TITLE: Constant
AUTHOR: aRcaDIaNFall$
FEEDBACK: arcadianfalls@yahoo.com.au
RATING: G
SPOILERS: nothing specific
CLASSIFICATION: MSR, maybe MSF
SUMMARY: A nighttime discussion.
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Constant
by aRcaDIaNFall$


The rain was a steady drumbeat, the windshield wipers squeaking in
time. I didn't remember having fallen asleep but I made no effort to
even open my eyes. The drive was smooth, the car warm as we travelled
through the darkness. I felt safe.

Cold fingers closing around my wrist, fingers searching. I opened my
eyes, sleepily lifting my head to look across at him. "What are you
doing?"

I sounded all sleepy. He smiled sheepishly, letting go of my wrist.
"Nothing."

"You were checking my pulse," I realised, looking at him with dawning
curiosity.

"You were so still. I was just checking..."

"Checking that I was still alive?"

He shrugged, uncomfortable. "Just checking."

I nodded, smiling a little at his awkwardness. "You do that often?"

He rubbed at his eye self-consciously, keeping watch of the road. "Only
sometimes... I panic, I guess."

"I'm not just going to die in my sleep, Mulder." My voice was gentler,
reassuring him.

He nodded quickly. "Sure. I know."

"Just checking," I mused, gazing at him as I echoed his earlier words,
curious. "Same reason why you call me in the middle of the night with
nothing to say, and why you're always keeping tabs on me during the
day. Are you that afraid I'm just going to up and go?"

He shrugged. "You never know."

"Yes, I do know," I said with certainty. 

He glanced across at me, confusion in his eyes.

"I wouldn't do that to you, Mulder," I answered steadily. "I wouldn't
ever walk away from you. Certainly not without saying goodbye."

"Who says you have a choice?"

I held his furrowed gaze levelly. "I'm not going anywhere."

Wry smile. "You're tempting fate in just saying that."

"Since when do you believe in fate?"

A nod of acknowledgement. A corner came up, giving him a few seconds
grace.

"I guess what it all comes down to," he said carefully, "is what you
said. I'm afraid you're just going to up and go. Whether it be that
you're taken from me again, or that you just choose a better life.
Either way, that you're gone, and I'm helpless to stop it."

"You think I want a different life?"

"Scully, nobody wants this life. Nobody wants to spend their days
working in a basement office chasing up the cases nobody else wants to
touch and never once getting a thanks or congratulations from the big
guys upstairs."

"You want that. You chose that."

"I know I did. But it was thrust upon you. You didn't have a choice
about joining the x-files."

"I could have left, dozens of times. I chose to stay."

Silence. I saw his jaw tense. All of a sudden he seemed intent on the
speedometer.

"Mulder?"

Another silence. Finally, he glanced up at me, an odd sort of intense
apprehension in his eyes.
"Why did you stay?"

"It's my basement, too," I answered, ducking my gaze as I added,
"You're my partner."

"Partners come and go."

"Not us."

"Why not us?"

"Because we fought hard to get where we are. You don't just walk away
from something like that. You can't."

"Can't?"

"Even if we did want, Mulder, do you think we could ever survive apart?
There's too much between us. We're too integrated into each other's
lives."

"You say that like it's a bad thing."

"Maybe it is."

"Do you really feel that?"

I smiled a little. "No. Our partnership means a lot to me." It means
everything to me.

"I mean a lot to you."

He was treading carefully, trying to get clear answers. That was
important. I smiled again. Though this was no great secret it was
hardly something we often spoke about.
"Yes, you do."

He nodded again, quickly, but he didn't say anything. Even something as
seemingly simple as this could send his mind flying along at a hundred
miles an hour.

I reached across to lightly touch his hand as it rested on the steering
wheel. He surprised me by taking my hand in his and bringing it to his
lips, kissing my knuckles gently. Eyes still on the road, he released
my hand and I retracted it. I realised I'd been holding my breath and
exhaled slowly, watching him, so curious, but soothed, relaxed in the
knowledge that what had been said had already been accepted. 

I brought my fingertips to my own lips, then reached across to lightly
touch his cheek, just holding them there for a few seconds, a promise
that my presence was more than just fleeting.

Again, I withdrew my hand. Settling back into my seat, I let out a
sigh, feeling the warm numbness of sleep encroaching. We still had at
least another hour of driving. Mulder had that under control.
I yawned quietly as I wriggled, trying to get comfortable. He glanced
across at me and smiled. "Sleepy again, huh?"

I returned the smile. "Yeah."

He nodded. "You get some shuteye. I'll wake you up when we reach home."

I yawned again, closing my eyes, listening to the rain and the wipers
squeaking. I smiled again. I'll be here, Mulder. Tonight and tomorrow
and forever. I'm not going anywhere. 

Eyes closed, already drifting off, I felt a gentle touch; his hand on
my knee, the thumb absently caressing. His eyes would still be on the
road, I knew, and I allowed myself a small smile, sliding my hand over
his, grasping it warmly. 

I wasn't going anywhere. Neither was he. Not tonight, tomorrow, or
ever. We were each others' constant. It didn't get much better than
that.

Smiling, I fell asleep.


fin.


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