TITLE: How Loved 
AUTHOR: aRcaDIaNFall$ 
FEEDBACK: arcadianfalls@yahoo.com.au 
RATING: PG 
SPOILERS: Existence 
CLASSIFICATION: MSR, babyfic 
SUMMARY: Sequel to 'Blessing'. Mulder returns, as promised. 
AUTHORS NOTE: Yep, more sap. Enjoy. :] 
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How Loved 
by aRcaDIaNFall$ 
  
  

It's silent. I kick back the covers, curiosity, maybe concern,
penetrating my sleepiness, and I move over to the crib, knowing even
before I get there that it's empty. Already I've become accustomed to
the steady breathing, the whimpers as my son sleeps. 
  

He's out there, by the window. The baby in his arms splutters a little
and his father soothes, rocking. He's showing him the constellations. 

I stand in the doorway, tugging my robe around me, watching. "Mulder?" 

He turns, smiling at me sheepishly. "Hey." 

"What are you doing here?" 

"I thought maybe you'd be up all night and wanting some company." 

I smile at his sweet earnesty. "Thanks." I take a few steps closer.
"Mulder -" 

He hushes me. "He's just nodding off." 

I nod, understanding, unable to help another smile. I still can't
believe this. What could I possibly have done to deserve this beauty? 
  

He gazes down at William's face, then glances up at me. "You were
really out. How much sleep have you gotten?" 

"Not much. An hour or so earlier, then a few stolen minutes here and
there. When did you get here?" 

"About an hour ago. He woke up just after I got here. When's he due for
a feed?" 

"Twenty minutes ago." Arms folded, I just gaze at Mulder, overwhelmed.
I would never have asked him to do this, to give up his own time and
energy. That he's not just willing but eager... I'm in disbelief. I
can't believe how lucky I am. "I don't know how to thank you, Mulder,"
I say quietly, wishing that there were words to describe how utterly
grateful I am, how loved I feel at his actions.  

He smiled. "Hey, it's part of my job, right?" 

I gaze at him, seeing in his eyes the hesitation, the apprehension.
Despite our resolution earlier in the day he's still going out on a
limb with that statement. 

"Yeah," I agree, still overwhelmed, so full of emotion, wanting to cry
out how much I love him, how exquisite his affection is, how ever since
he left all I can think about is his lips touching mine. 

William sneezes, then starts to cry. Mulder jiggles him, starting to
pace. "None of that... None of that... Attaboy..."  

He comes toward me, but doesn't offer me the baby. He seems to know
that this is okay, that he is allowed this time, too. Baby firmly in
one arm, he reaches out to nudge my pajama top with a smile. "You
missed a button." 

I glance down and smile sheepishly when I see that he's right, I've
missed the very top button, my pajama shirt hanging open at the neck.
But it's not a big deal. My breasts are hardly private territory any
more. Speaking of which... But no, the baby seems content. I can't bear
to take him from Mulder. When he gets hungry enough he'll make a fuss. 

I fix the button, watching father and son, knowing that even as tired
as I am I could still so easily watch for hours. Mulder is absorbed,
thrilled just to hold the baby, by every little expression, by his eyes
and his mouth and every little finger and toe. It's an achingly
beautiful sight.  

I want to kiss him again. I want to hold him close and let his lips
taste mine. I want to feel his warmth and mine, to know that in his
arms I can never come to harm. 

William starts to cry again. I hesitate. "I think he's hungry -" 

But Mulder, sniffing, shakes his head. "Stinky diaper." Again, the
shameless, sheepish grin. He looks as though he's about to pass me the
baby but I lock my fingers around his wrist and tug him over to the
change table.  

"This is part of your job, too." 

He chuckles, not so much amused as nervous at the prospect. But he's
willing to give it a go. 

"Put the blanket aside, and lay him down here, right in the middle.
Now, he's going to squirm but just hold him firmly..." 
I guide him through the process of wiping and powdering and
sticky-tabbing, laughing with him at his mistakes though I'm hardly a
professional myself.  
  

"Not such a bad job for a beginner, huh?" Mulder grins, gathering the
baby up again, this time sans blanket. William's socked feet dangle
over Mulder's arm and I want nothing more than to embrace them both.
But I just hang back, smiling, knowing that there's no rush.  

Mulder glances up at me, as if suddenly realising that I might want a
turn. "You wanna hold him?" 

I shake my head. No rush. I want to soak up every second of this
miracle. "You're doing fine." 

He grinned, looking back down at William. "That better now, huh? All
cleaned up? You doin' good? Have a look around. Yeah. This is the
living room... that there's a TV... And there's Mommy. Isn't she
beautiful, huh? You've got such a great Mommy, you know that? She's all
smart and beautiful and she don't take crap from nobody, but that
doesn't matter cos you're not going to cause her any trouble, are you?
Nah..." 

I smiled, shyly accepting the compliments. I don't know how long it's
been since I've experienced such pure happiness, joy unclouded by grief
or doubt. It makes me ache, long for this in my life not just today but
tomorrow and the day after that. 

"I love you, Mulder." 

He glances at me, sobering a little. He knows what a big step saying
that has been for me. With a calmer smile, he nods. "I know." 

He's only a foot away from me and as he takes another step closer we're
standing like we were before; he and I, and our son between. I smile,
knowing what is coming, my heart pounding with anticipation. This kiss
I instigate, reaching on toes to first simply press my lips against
his, catching his lower lip between mine, resting a hand against his
chest for balance. He's quick to respond, deepening the kiss. Again,
we're restricted by our situation, and again, interrupted too soon.
This time it's William, starting to cry.  

"I think this time he might be hungry," Mulder murmurs. 

"I guess that's still my job, huh?" I take the baby from him, and grab
the blanket from the change table. 

Lowering us down on the couch, I smile up at Mulder. We'll have to try
that some time without a baby in the middle. Maybe once we get him to
sleep... 
  

He's whimpering. Not a surprise; it's more than half an hour late for
his feed. I unbutton my shirt and he latches on quickly, eager. There's
something irresistible about him - I can't tear my gaze away. Little
wrinkled face, tiny fingers, so expressive already. His socked feet
kick against me, so tiny but so strong. He fits so snugly in my arms.
I'm reminded yet again why it's always so hard to let him go. 

Mulder's still standing, watching from a few feet away. He's uncertain,
but it's plain enough that he doesn't want to leave. He still wants
more time. "Are you going or staying?" I ask him. 

He looks almost caught, wary as he answers. "Staying... If I'm
allowed." 

I nod, patting the couch next to me. This is an intimate action between
mother and child but I want him to share in the joy of it. "Then sit
down." 

The couch sags as he sits beside me. We're shoulder to shoulder. He
smells of aftershave and baby talc. A new Mulder fragrance.  
He's stroking William's forehead with his fingertips, and the back of
his hand brushes my breast every once in a while. I don't know if it's
intentional or not... I don't think it is, though he can't not realise
he's doing it. I don't really mind either way. His touch thrills me,
warms me from my toes to my fingertips. 

He draws his hand away, shifting beside me, and I feel his breath on my
neck, his lips trailing along my bare shoulder. I can't help myself. I
laugh, feeling like I'm bubbling over with joy. 

I turn my head to face him. He looks a little hurt, puzzled, amused.
"What's so funny?" he whispers. 

I smile. "I'm just amazed at how good you make me feel."  

He grins, hand on my cheek, and again he brings his lips to mine. This
is just a gentle kiss like earlier. I know he wants more - so do I. But
there's no hurry. 

He drops his hand, sliding it around to grip my thigh. Before I can
wonder, he pulls me - us - onto his lap, putting his strong arms around
us both. He rests his chin on my bare shoulder, gazing down as his son
feeds. 

I sigh, feeling so safe, so comfortable, so absolutely delighted. I
don't know if I've ever been so blissfully content. 

"Thank you, Mulder," I whisper.  

I glance up at him and he pulls back a little so that I can see his
face. He's smiling, too. "No problem. It's my job." 
  

fin.