TITLE:  The Genesis Project
AUTHOR:  aRcaDIaNFall$
FEEDBACK:  arcadianfalls@yahoo.com.au
RATING:  PG-13
SPOILERS:  Redux 2, The Unnatural, Arcadia, Emily, PMP, The End, 
Milagro, Tithonus, Duane Barry/etc.
Set probably after The Unnatural, but not post-episodic fic.
CLASSIFICATION: SRA
SUMMARY:  Mulder and Scully find themselves responsible for the safety
of three children after an investigation into the deaths of two
scientists working on a top-secret genetics experimental project. 
AUTHOR'S NOTE:  This fic changes perspectives with each chapter. All
sequels can be found on my site at:
--> http://www.geocities.com/arcadianfallls


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The Genesis Project
by aRcaDIaNFall$ 


- JACQUELINE POV -

I never believed in pixies or elves or fairies. Maybe I was just an
overly cynical child, but more likely it was my parents' influence.
They'd always been quick to dismiss any belief in mythical or imaginary
creatures. I think, though, that even if they hadn't told me, I still
would have known better than to believe what I read in books about
those diminutive creatures who would gather together in the garden in
the moonlight at midnight. I didn't believe it, but in many ways I
wanted to. I could understand what would drive people to believe in
these creatures; they wanted hope. They wanted an escape from the hard
reality of the world, an escape into a daydream world where they could
imagine themselves as something no longer ordinary or staid or mortal.
Sometimes I wanted that same thing. I wished that I could have that
innocence about the world back, that I could believe in a fantasy.
Sometimes I almost could, I could convince myself that despite all the
hard facts and logical arguments, such things might not be just a
figment of somebody's imagination. 
I liked to be alone at night in the dark house, awake while other
slept. I felt as though if I tried hard enough, I really could believe
that fairies sometimes danced along the marble countertop in the silver
moonlight, skimming gracefully across the row of saucepans, playing
hide and seek among the fronds of the indoor ferns. It was a frivolous
fantasy, but I would indulge myself in it. Even realists are allowed to
dream.

But tonight I didn't want to dream. I felt jumpy even though I walked
calmly. The white tiled kitchen floor gleamed in the moonlight,
impeccably clean as it always was, my bare feet leaving slight
footprints that quickly faded. I didn't like that. I hated how any
proof of my presence could fade so quickly. 

The room was bathed with a yellow light as I opened the refridgerator,
my eyes ranging over the contents. I reached in, selecting a small tub
of low-fat yoghurt, closing the fridge door quietly. I took a small
spoon from the cutlery drawer and peeled the lid off the yoghurt and
dug the spoon in. I made my way slowly into the lounge room, dropping
down on the white leather couch in a way I never could with Cate and
Roger around. 

I cleaned the tub out quickly and then sat, tapping the spoon on the
plastic rim of the tub as I thought. And thought, and thought, and
thought. At night is always the best time for me to think, when the
house is absolutely silent and there's no distractions. But I'd only
just started to grapple with my thoughts when a loud thumb above
snapped me back to reality. I stared up at the ceiling above me, my
ears pricked, my body tensed. I laid the empty tub of yoghurt down
carefully and stood. I went across the room and up the stairs, moving
with what they always call my 'catlike stealth'. There was utter
silence when I reached the top of the stairs and walked along the
hallway in silent trepidation, feeling in my bones that something had
happened, something had gone wrong..

I pushed open the door to Joshua's room, breathing a faint sigh of
relief when I saw his small form on the bed, his chest rising and
falling slightly with each breath. I quickly closed the door again, and
moved a few feet down the hallway to open another door, this one
Astrid's room. Once again, I was met with the quietly reassuring sound
of steady breathing and the sight of a small angelic face framed with
chestnut curls.

I quietly retreated, peeking in my own bedroom quickly just out of
paranoia, then knocking cautiously on my parents' door.

"Cate? Roger? Is everything okay?" My tone was quiet and emotionless,
the one I always adopted when talking to them, regardless of the
situation. The hairs along the back of my neck stood up and I glanced
behind me sharply, paranoid that somebody was in the house. 
Maybe I was just being paranoid, but I felt another presence. 

There was no answer, so I knocked again, then turned the knob gently
and eased the door open.

Then I caught my breath sharply.

The moonlight filtering through the window into this bedroom
illuminated no cherubby faces or white blankets or curly, unruly hair.
Only red. Blood red, the bodies beneath it barely recognisable. I'd
never seen something so terrible.

I took a step back, pulling the door shut and leaning against it,
fighting for breath. I stood perfectly still as my mind worked
furiously, then, my heart pounding wildly, I used my terrycloth robe to
wipe the doorhandle. Then, just as quietly, I entered my bedroom, and
locked the door.

There was silence in the house once more.


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- SCULLY POV -

I knew who it was before I opened the door, but that still didn't stop
me from groaning when I saw Mulder standing there, dressed in faded
jeans, grey t-shirt, and black leather jacket. His Rambo-gear. Great.

"I'm not going anywhere, Mulder. Not at this time of night," I mumbled
as I ushered him in, yawning as I shut the door behind him and locked
it.

He looked surprised, then grinned, that endearingly boyish, sheepish
grin. "Sorry to disappoint you, but I wasn't planning on dragging you
anywhere." He glanced over me, in pajamas and robe. "Sorry, I guess
it's a bit late... I didn't wake you, did I?"

I shook my head, arms crossed, bare toes wiggling. Clearing my throat
quietly, I asked, "What's up?"

He shrugged, offhanded. "I don't know... I couldn't sleep. Stuff."

I nodded slowly, sitting down on the couch and tucking my cold feet
under me. "Nightmare?" I asked. I made sure that my tone was light and
casual, but the look I shot him was shrewd, scrutinizing and
sympathetic. It wouldn't surprise anybody how often a man as haunted as
Mulder gets nightmares, but it might surprise a few people how often
the hard-headed Dr Dana Scully wakes up in a cold sweat. 
Mulder's usually pretty willing to talk about his nightmares, and I'm
willing to listen, sympathise with him if I can't bring myself to tell
him about my own. I don't need Mulder to know how some of the things we
encounter disturb me - I have a hard enough time dealing with it
myself, and I don't need Mulder concerned about me any more than he is.
So that's how it goes - he has a nightmare and rings me up to tell me
about it, or sometimes I find that he's let himself into my apartment
in the middle of the night and slept on my couch. That's happened
increasingly often in the last six months or so. Sometimes he wouldn't
want to talk about it, he'd just tell me that it was 'pretty bad' and
we'd leave it at that. I think maybe those ones are about me. 

Tonight he surprised me, though, by shaking his head, dropping down on
the couch beside me with a chuckle. 

"No, I was watching "When children attack" on the Fox Network. Do you
know how scary some brats can be?"

I rolled my eyes, not sure whether he was kidding or not. "No,
seriously, Mulder."

He grinned at me, but then his grin faded and he looked down. I could
tell that something serious was on his mind when he started to fidget. 
"You were right... it was a nightmare, you know."

I nodded slowly. "I thought so." And -? I added silently.

He sat with his head down for a little longer, frowning, before he
looked up at me again. "You don't want kids, do you, Scully?" he asked
abruptly.

I was surprised by the question - it definitely wasn't something I'd
been expecting. I'd braced myself for hearing about some Diana-related
nightmare, which had been the most common for the past couple of
months, but this stung in a completely different way. I felt engulfed
by a wave of unhappiness and resentment. His question sounded so
offhanded, arrogant despite the unhappy frown on his face. 
"I don't want to get into this, Mulder," I said tightly. I didn't want
to get started about what I was missing out on. I'm not too big on
self-pity.

He looked surprised by my reaction, then his face fell as though he'd
only just realised how insensitive the question was. 
"Sorry," he half-shrugged, looking guilty as hell. I felt as though I
should accept his apology and relieve him of his guilt, but I still
felt grim anger at the question, all the questions that had been
stirred up in my mind because of it. I didn't want those thoughts
awakened. 

"Sorry," he said again, softly. He reached to touch my shoulder. "I
didn't mean to hurt you."

"I know you didn't," I said softly. I reached up to clasp my hand over
his. I let go after a minute, letting my hand drop back down into my
lap. Mulder's hand remained for a few more seconds before he retracted
it.

"I'll let you get some sleep, okay?" He stood and made his way over to
the door. "'Night Scully."

I nodded mutely. 

Mulder stopped, sighing heavily, his hand resting on the doorknob. 
He turned back to face me, frowning. "Scully, listen," he began with
difficulty. "I know I can be a total asshole sometimes... I'm sorry
that I'm not..." he paused, searching for the right word, "nicer. More
supportive. You know..." He looked at me ardently, his expression
apologetic and entreating.

I nodded slowly. "You're perfect the way you are, Mulder," I answered
simply, venturing a small smile. That was true. He was flawed, but he
was perfect for me. Well, except for maybe the ditching thing.

He returned the smile, turning once again to leave. He opened the door,
then glanced back at me, and for some inexplicable reason, he brought
his fingers to his lips, then blew me a kiss with all the earnesty of a
teenager in love for the first time.

I stared at him, bewildered, but then I smiled. I gestured for him to
shoo, and he left the apartment, closing the door after himself.

      - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- MULDER POV - 

I'd been waiting for Scully since before seven that morning, sitting in
my chair, childishly swivelling around and around until I felt nauseous
and then going back the other way. I knew not to expect her until seven
at the earliest, maybe eight or nine even, depending on where she went
before she put in an appearance in my basement lair. Today she turned
up at exactly 8:15. I heard footsteps echoing in the corridor and I was
out there to greet her before she reached the office. Scully's
footsteps are as recognisable as everything else about her; her voice,
her lightly perfumed scent, her soft breathing as she sleeps. I think I
know her better than I know myself. In fact, I'm sure of it. She knows
it, but if I ever told it, she'd kick my butt.

I greeted her with the wide smile I reserve for the occasion of
beginning of a new case. She must have recognised it because she drew a
deep breath, her eyes travelling to the sheaf of papers in my hand, a
very thick case file that I'd been skimming through again as I waited
for her. She took it silently and started to thumb through it. Now that
she'd finally arrived my patience had given out and I grabbed her
shoulders gently, turning her around and steering her into the
elevator.

"The call came in this morning," I announced, jabbing a button. "I'd
specifically instructed that any cases involving employees of the
Macfarlane Corporation be presented to me immediately."

"What's so important about the Macfarlane Corporation?" Scully queried,
glancing up at me briefly before returning her gaze to the papers. "And
what's the Gen-"

"The Genesis Project is something the Macfarlane Corporation runs as a
sideline to their production of medicinal drugs and equipment. It's an
experiment that's been going for the past twenty years or so, exploring
genes, mapping genomes, gene therapy, that sort of thing," I explained
off-handedly, giving Scully a gentle push out of the elevator, her eyes
still glued to the pages of notes. "An experiment not mentioned, oddly
enough, in this." 
I handed her the glossy printed pamphlet. It was professionally slick,
showing a collage of photos of a large modern looking facility,
labratories, an OR filled with shiny metallic medical equipment and
several vials and testtubes. Scully raised an eyebrow as she studied
it.

"And we're rushing off to -"

"Mansfield, Wisconsin," I supplied.

"-in a great big hurry... *why*?"

I flipped over a few pages, revealing black and white crime scene
photos. "Both executed, gun shot wound in the middle of the forehead.
Lot of blood. Weapon was left at the crime scene, no fingerprints."

"They're husband and wife," Scully noted, scanning the written report.
"It's not a suicide pact?"

I shook my head. "Nope. The weapon was dropped at the foot of the bed,
and death was instantaneous. A silencer was used, too - which would
explain why nobody heard the shots."

Scully raised an eyebrow as she continued to scan through the report,
my hand on her elbow guiding her through the the rows of parked cars to
where mine sat. "Their deaths were reported by their daughter? And she
didn't hear or see anything?"

"Nada," I shrugged. "She says she couldn't sleep so she was downstairs
having a midnight snack. She heard a thump, went upstairs, and found
her parents bodies."

"Midnight snack?" Scully queried. She looked up at me, eyebrow raised.
"It says here that the crime wasn't reported until six fourteen a.m.
this morning."

I nodded. "That's what it says," I agreed.

"So she found the bodies... when exactly?" 

I couldn't blame her for looking so utterly disbelieving. I know she
finds it maddeningly frustrating when the facts won't line up. But,
unlike me, instead of bursting she just looks skeptical about it all,
frowns a bit, and refuses to give up until she sorts things out. I
admire her for that immensely. For me such frustration just makes me
want to kick the crap out of something.

"Just after midnight."

"'Just after midnight' is not six in the morning, Mulder. Has she given
anybody an explanation for why she waited til morning to report the
murders?"

"Well..." I drew the word out. She was gonna love this. "Apparently she
didn't want to wake her younger brother and sister."

"You're serious?" she demanded, staring at me. I could see clearly that
she was trying to figure this whole thing out, tussling with the sheer
lack of logic in Jacqueline Moss' behavior. I'd been doing the same
thing all morning. The psychologist in me was awakened. 

"You'll get the chance to ask her yourself. They've taken her into
custody on suspicion of the murder, which isn't surprising given how
suspicious - or stupid, if you prefer, though I've heard she's an
intelligent girl - she's been. They had to bring in her brother and
sister - she refused to let them go, and there was nobody they could be
left with. Social services should be arriving there soon."

"They think she did it?" I could detect the growing impatience in her
voice.

"She's the closest they can find to a suspect." I shrugged. "Parents
were pretty high-profile scientists, local PD want the killer caught.
According to Detective Gregson, who I spoke to, her 'suspicious
behavior' was enough to bring her in on." I couldn't help the cynicism
in my tone. 

Scully voiced my thoughts exactly when she demanded with sudden
vehemence, "A fifteen year old girl's parents have been murdered, and
they think she did it because she's acting strangely?!"

I wasn't quite sure why she got so emotional about it. There are some
cases that just seem to push Scully's sensitivity buttons and really
bother her, and it seemed that this was going to be one of them. I
guessed it'd be plain to me eventually, and I'd just have to wait til I
figured it out and then beat myself up over my idiocy.
I realised that she was staring at me, waiting for a response, and I
shrugged. "I didn't say I agreed with them, Scully." I studied her
curiously.

Scully expelled her breath slowly. "I can remember being fifteen,
Mulder. It's a difficult time. And that's when life's running smoothly.
You have a lot of problems relating to your parents -"

I cut her off. Time to play my final card. "But they weren't her real
parents. I looked up the Moss' medical files and records. Cate Moss
gave birth to a son eighteen years ago. Stillborn. No successful
pregnancies since."

"So the kids are adopted?" She considered it. "That might-"

I cut her off again, shaking my head emphatically. "Scully, there are
no records of these kids being born or adopted. No records of them
being immunised against anything, attending any type of school, having
a passport. According to the facts, these kids don't exist."

Scully stared hard at me. "But they do exist," she said
matter-of-factly. "And if there's no records on them..." she frowned
pensively. "Mulder, they have to belong to someone, have identities.
How do you know they're not just lying about who they are?"

"Why would they do that?"

She shrugged helplessly. "I don't know, Mulder. You tell me."

"Jacqueline claims that Roger and Cate Moss were her natural parents,"
I said slowly. "Why would she lie? Who's she protecting? Them?
Herself?" I shook my head. "I don't know," I admitted reluctantly, "But
I think we'll find out more when we interview her. She knows more than
she's letting on."

What I didn't admit to Scully was that I did too.

       - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 


- SCULLY POV -
 
Our first view of Jacqueline Moss was of a dark-haired girl sitting
with a sleepy little boy on her lap, her head bent beside his, holding
his fingers in hers, drawing on his palm gently. Sitting beside her was
a small girl, clutching a doll tightly in her arms. The young girl said
something, and Jacqueline turned her attention toward her, taking the
doll and kissing it's elbow before returning it to her little sister,
who accepted it with a smile, burrowing close against Jacqueline.

"She kissed it better," I murmured, staring through the observation
window, fascinated by the scene. "Does that look like a murderer to
you?"

Mulder shrugged. "Murderers come in all shapes and sizes, Scully. She
looks a lot more like the average murderer than some we've seen." He
raised an eyebrow.

I had to admit, he had a point. I half-shrugged, and as I returned my
gaze to the window, I met Jacqueline Moss's steady, angry gaze. I
jolted, feeling like a small electric shock had just run through me,
rubbing my forehead as the girl returned her gaze to her siblings.

"Did you see that, Mulder?" I whispered. I felt shaky and dazed and
fought for clearheadedness. "She looked right at me. Like she saw me."
I looked at him, wishing that he would say something reassuring. "How
did she know I was here?"

He touched my shoulder gently. "She's probably seen enough movies to
know it's not really a mirror, that's all."

I was unconvinced, frowning as I gazed through the window, trying to
decipher my confusion. "She looked angry, Mulder," I said finally,
still disconcerted. "Maybe they are right about her... or maybe she's
angry about something else."

"Something else?" Mulder asked sharply. "Like what?"

"I don't know," I said slowly, trying to shake off the odd feeling that
had taken hold over me. 

Mulder was silent for a moment, then touched my arm. "Come on, let's
talk to her."

I followed him into the room, walking steadily, calmly, but feeling
still shaken. The atmostphere of the room was rife with hostility and I
could tell Mulder felt it too by the way his posture stiffened.
Jacqueline pulled her brother and sister closer and eyed us
distrustfully as the female officer who had been sitting in the corner
rose and left the room.
"Who are you?" she demanded. She looked angry and sullen, but I could
tell that her hostility was masking fear. It was a good act, but not
good enough to fool me. Fear and I are well enough acquainted for me to
be able to see it in almost any form.

Mulder and I produced our badges. "Agents Mulder and Scully, FBI," I
said crisply, my eyes fixed on her face. I was very curious about her,
and I was determined to get an explanation for what was at present the
most confusing aspect of the case - her reason for waiting six hours to
call the police. I couldn't imagine that anybody would want to stay
virtually alone in the house with corpses.

Jacqueline glanced at the badges, then stared at us, her eyes watchful.
"Why are FBI involved?"

Mulder ignored the question. "Jacqueline, could you tell us what
happened last night?"

Anger sparked in her eyes. "I've already told three different people.
Ask them."

"We want to hear it from you," I said steadily.

Jacqueline transferred her gaze from Mulder to me. "What makes you
think that I know anything, anyway?"

Mulder heaved a heavy sigh. "Jacqueline, we can have your brother and
sister taken away, if you won't co-operate. You know they shouldn't be
here in the first place."

Her anger flared. "You can't do that. They don't have anyone else. They
need to stay here with me." She tightened her grip around them
protectively, and the two children looked up at Mulder and I wide-eyed,
but not frightened. The little girl, Astrid, ventured a small smile,
which I found myself wistfully returning. It was the first time I'd
seen them at close range, and I was surprised to see how small they
both were. The reports had said that Astrid was four and Joshua was
two, but they were both short and slight, and appeared a lot younger
than they were. They were cute kids, if not exactly adorable, with
matching mops of curly dark brown hair and huge eyes. They were both
fully dressed, and I wondered when Jacqueline had taken the time to
dress them. Before she called the police? After? I brought my gaze back
to her, tuning back into the conversation.

"Tell us what happened last night," Mulder was saying calmly.

Jacqueline glared at him, then said sullenly, "I couldn't sleep, so I
went downstairs and got myself something to eat. I heard a thump, I
went upstairs to check it out, and I found Cate and Roger dead. I
called the cops. End of story."

"You didn't call 911 until quarter past six this morning," I countered.
"Why was that?"

She rolled her eyes. "I didn't want to wake Astrid or Josh in the
middle of the night. I thought it might scare them to have police and
everyone arriving, so I decided to wait until morning to call." She
held my deliberately disbelieving stare defiantly.

"Jacqui..." Mulder began.

Jacqueline swung her gaze around to Mulder and glared at him. "My name
is Jacqueline."

Yowch. I thought I was the only one who could make him wince like that.
"Fine... Jacqueline, why do you call your parents by their first
names?"

"What else was I supposed to call them, 'Mom and Dad'?" She snorted.
"They didn't deserve to be called that."

"Why not?" I asked, frowning. I added tentatively, "Because you were
adopted? Because they're not your biological parents?"

Jacqueline thumped the table exasperatedly. "No! You don't understand.
We're who we are because of them. It's their fault that -" She cut off
suddenly, clamping her mouth shut with a fleeting look of dismay. She
quickly turned away, and murmured, "Hush," to Astrid, who was staring
at the ceiling, whispering something in a sing-song voice, too quiet
for me to catch.

Intrigued, I left my seat and kneeled down beside the little girl.
"What are you doing over here, sweetie?" I asked gently.

Astrid looked at me shyly. "Counting," she said, with surprisingly
clear pronunciation, pointing to the strip of small tiles along the
ridge where the wall met the ceiling.
	
"You were counting the tiles?" I asked, surprised.

Astrid nodded, clutching her rag doll closer.

"Astrid, why don't you take Jessi over to that corner to play?"
Jacqueline broke in suddenly, giving her a gentle push and glaring at
me.

The little girl stood obediently, but I caught her arm, glancing
sharply at Jacqueline and wondering whether there was more than just
dislike in her expression. The fear was still there, and not nearly as
well masked as before. She looked as though she were panicking. 

"Wait a sec, sweetie," I said softly. "You want to tell me how many
tiles you counted?" I chided myself for being so suspicious, for taking
a leap of such Mulder-proportions, but I couldn't shift my gut feeling
that this was significant.

Astrid glanced across nervously at her sister, and I asked again
quickly, "How many were there, Astrid?"

"Sixty four," she answered reluctantly.

"She doesn't know what she's talking about. It's just a random number
she's heard somewhere," Jacqueline protested. "Four year olds don't
know how to count. Not that high, anyway."

Mulder ran his eyes along the row of tiles, counting silently. He met
my questioning gaze, and said slowly, "One off. It's sixty five."

Jacqueline swore under her breath, and the toddler sleeping in her lap
woke. "Mommy?" he mumbled sleepily.

"Yeah, Mommy's here," Jacqueline soothed gently, her attention diverted
momentarily. 

I had to bite my lip to stop myself from reacting to that. I turned,
meeting Mulder's gaze, and nodded, understanding what I saw in them. We
had to push harder.
"Jacqueline, if you're not going to co-operate with us, we're going to
have to no choice but to hand these children over to social services
right now." I knew I had to be tough, or we weren't going to get
anywhere. "I know you don't want that to happen. Just tell us what we
need to know."

Jacqueline bit her lip angrily. "There's nothing more to tell."

Mulder leaned in closer to her. "Jacqueline, you're under suspicion for
the murder of your parents. Do you understand how serious this is?"

"I didn't do it, damnit!" She thumped the table angrily and the little
boy in her arms stirred again and whimpered. She shifted him on her lap
and he settled down again. I wished that I was the one holding the
sleeping little boy in my arms. I envied her even then, my maternal
side bitterly jealous. I had to pull my gaze away from her to Mulder,
who was tapping the table impatiently, frowning as he thought.

"Tell us about the Genesis Project," he said finally.

The Genesis Project. I should have known there was something more to
it. Jacqueline looked startled and Mulder leaned back, looking grimly
satisfied at her reaction. I shot him a questioning glance but he
ignored it.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Jacqueline muttered finally,
swallowing.

"Yes, you do," Mulder said, his voice quietly dangerous. "It's what
your parents were working on. The study of genetics. And the creation
of children using this knowledge."

That I hadn't guessed. I stared at him, my eyes growing wide. I felt a
dull anger at him for withholding the information from me and I stared
at him almost accusingly. 

Jacqueline dropped her gaze to her brother's dark curls, stroking his
forehead with shaking fingers. "They weren't really my parents," she
said finally, her voice cracking, her tone still sullen.

Mulder stared at her, waiting for her to continue, but she was silent.
I reached out and touched his arm gently, indicating that I needed to
talk to him in private. We left the room, retreating to the small
observation room.

I shot out my question the moment Mulder closed the door behind him.
"Why didn't you tell me about this?" 

"Scully..." he began.

I held up a hand to stop him, then crossed my arms defensively. "I
don't want to hear excuses, Mulder. Just tell me. Tell me about the
Genesis Project, and how you found out about it." I felt so suddenly
drained of energy, my voice was quiet and emotionless. I didn't want to
get angry at Mulder, there was no point. I just wanted him to tell me
the truth and then we could get on with things.

"Frohike told me. He and Langly and Byers had been receiving e-mails
and faxes from undisclosed locations, leaking information about the
project. Seems that somebody wanted people to know what was going on at
the McFarlane Corporation."

"And they told *Frohike*?" I shook my head. "And what was this
information they were leaking?"

Mulder grimaced. "You're not going to like it, Scully," he warned.

"Just tell me," I warned, rolling my eyes impatiently. 

"The Genesis Project's eventual aim was to create a human being -
incubator-gestated, genetically engineered. A series of scanned images
- CAT scans, blood tests, photos, doctorr progress reports... all
backing up the claim that this was happening."

"And you're saying that they did?" I stared up at him, not sure whether
or not I wanted to believe that what he was saying was true. I'd had a
hard time trying to maintain my skepticism in these things after what
had happened with Emily...

"According to Frohike's source, things were getting out of hand. What
had started out simply as an 'what if' suddenly became reality - a
possibility. The idea of genetically engineering a human, one immune to
all human diseases, perfect in every way - it was a dream, and when it
was achieved, imagine the power these scientists must have felt - like
gods."

"And you think that these three children - the Moss children - are
genetically engineered? Results of the Genesis Project?" I asked
quietly.

"We've seen this before, Scully," he reminded me quietly, "the
Litchfield Project. The Berkowitz case." He paused a moment before
adding, "Emily."

Yeah, Emily. Everything always came back to Emily. I hated that. I just
wanted to forget, because then it wouldn't hurt anymore. But there were
always cases, or even just people in the street who would remind me.

"But in those cases, surrogate mothers were used," I argued tiredly,
"and you're saying that these children weren't even born - they were
just... created. They ...*grew*."

Mulder nodded. "That's exactly what I'm saying."

I slowly digested the information. "And the Moss' were killed because
of this project." 

He nodded again. "Maybe someone found out that the information was
being leaked."
	
"You're saying that the parents were the leak? And were killed because
of this?" I asked slowly, considering the idea. Then I shook my head.
"No, Mulder. That doesn't make sense. According to your report, the
Moss' were heading the project. Surely they had enough power to stop
the experiments, if they wanted to."

Mulder played with his lower lip thoughtfully, then sighed, watching
through the observation window as Jacqueline paced around the small
room, her younger brother and sister now sitting together on the floor
colouring with lead pencils on a yellow legal pad someone had provided.

"This is ridiculous, Mulder," I said suddenly as I felt a pang of
concern for the welfare of the two small children. "They shouldn't be
in there. It must be terrifying for them." I turned away, and as I
reached for the door handle Mulder caught my arm.

"Wait, Scully." 

I turned to face him, surprised by his sudden urgency. "What?"

"Let them stay with her," he said gently. "They're happy. Let's go find
ourselves some coffee or something."

"Mulder, don't try and distract my attention," I said with a spark of
anger. I could see easily what he was trying to do and it frustrated
me. "Listen, I know what you're thinking, but I'm not getting
personally involved here, and I'm not going to."

That was a lie and I knew it, but I could handle it, I knew I could.
That was the most important thing. Becoming emotionally involved was
something impossible to do in so many cases, and I'd gotten used to
dealing with it the only ways possible.

"How can you be so certain?" Mulder asked gently. Pressing his hand
against my back he guided me to the door which let them out into a
hallway, closing the door behind them.

"Mulder," I protested. "I wasn't finished questioning her..."

He didn't answer, but instead said mildly, "Let's just find some
coffee. Maybe lunch."

"Mulder," I frowned at him. "You're acting like you're trying to
protect me from something... Either that or you're trying to hide what
you know." I crossed my arms and stared at him, feeling resentful that
he thought he had the right to -

"Lunch," Mulder repeated entreatingly. He looked at me pleadingly and I
nodded reluctantly. The two of us exited the building in silence.

       - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- MULDER POV -

I couldn't come right out and say what I wanted to say to her. I don't
even know if I knew exactly what I wanted to say. I just yearned so
desperately to protect her from herself, even though I knew how much
she hated it when I tried to shelter her. We kept off the topic as we
sat on the patio of a small cafe down the road, instead discussing the
other elements of the case - the more factual, unemotional issues. We
ended up in a debate over Jacqueline's excuse for waiting to call the
police, but I think it was only really half-hearted on both our sides.
Eventually we both leant back in the sun, Scully staring down into her
glass of iced water, watching the icecubes bob up and down, while I
stared at her. I've gotten in the habit of just watching Scully,
sometimes. She must notice, feel my eyes on her, but she never says
anything. Maybe she likes it, I don't know. If she told me to stop it I
would, willingly. I wouldn't do anything to hurt or upset her.
I could tell that she had something on her mind, that she was turning
it over, deliberating on whether or not she was willing to blurt it
out. When she finally did, it wasn't what I'd been expecting.

"Mulder, that question you asked me last night... Why did you ask it?"

I winced internally. It wasn't hard to see why she was thinking about
it again. I should have known better than to have taken this case. What
sort of fool was I? I should have realised that this would hit too
close to home for Scully. Too late now, though. I sighed heavily. 
"I'd just been... thinking about it," I said honestly. That was true,
I'd been thinking about Emily, wondering for the thousandth time
whether I should have given her the cure despite what Scully said. I
could have changed the course of the last two years dramatically...

"What was your nightmare about?" she prodded gently, staring up at me
with concerned eyes.

"Doesn't matter." I shook my head. I couldn't even remember it clearly,
just the sheer terror in Scully's voice. That I could remember as clear
as day. I choked down the urge to pull her close to me, to reassure
myself that she was alive and still with me. There had been many times
I'd had similar urges, and only a few when I'd allowed myself to give
in to them. Only a few when I'd known that Scully would allow me to
relish her in such a way. I didn't want to offend her in any way by
ignoring her wishes - I had too much respect for her, as I always had. 

She looked down again at the glass in her hands, frowning. "What about
you?" she asked, looking up again. Her eyes were strong, clear blue,
and I felt they were penetrating right through to my marrow.

I guess I already knew what she meant but I feigned ignorance anyway.
"What about me?" I asked casually. 

Her gaze didn't falter, though her frown deepened. "Do you ...want
kids?"

"I haven't thought about it," I said, just as casual, not missing a
beat.

"Yes, you have," she said with certainty. I should have known better
than to have thought I could have bluffed her. Not my Scully.

"Maybe some day," I admitted. Even though the defining events in my
childhood had been terrible, the first twelve years of my life hadn't
been bad at all. They'd been pretty normal, actually. Sam and I had
teased and tortured each other endlessly, just like siblings around the
world. We were normal, and that sort of normality was actually starting
to appeal to me more and more as I started to feel older, felt that my
life needed something more. I never gave Scully hints of any kind.
Actually, if anything, I think I gave her the opposite idea, that I
thought kids were about as unnecessary in life as that yapping dog she
had once. But truth be told, the idea of having kids of my own wasn't
out of the question. It just wasn't... in the question. Scully was the
only woman I'd ever want to be the mother of my children, there was no
doubt in my mind as to that.

But trust Scully to be direct. "When?"

I was silent. I could hardly tell her my thoughts on the matter. I gave
a helpless half-shrug, designed more to evade the question than to
actually answer it. She stared at me for several long, long seconds,
then dropped her gaze back down to the table.

"Mulder," she said quietly. "If your committment to me is stopping you
from finding somebody and starting a family..." She sounded calm as she
spoke, but she wouldn't meet my eyes.

"Scully! No!" I burst out, appalled by the thought. How could she
possibly question whether she the only one I'd ever want to spend my
life with? I didn't know how to express the absolute certainty I felt
that she and I belonged together, that I had no desire or need to look
at another woman while she was around. I couldn't express that. Instead
I just reached across the table to grab her hand, squeezing it. I think
maybe I squeezed a little too hard, because she winced. But I didn't
loosen my grip. 
"Scully, don't you even *think* that you're stopping me from living my
life, you hear me?" I was angry that she could question my utter
dedication to her like that, but my anger melted when I saw the
confusion and, I thought, relief, in her eyes as she sank down heavily
into her chair. I was about to loosen my grip on her when she clasped
her other hand over it tightly. She looked up at me slowly, a small
smile on her lips. There were tears in her eyes. 

"And Scully..." I added slowly, "If you feel that I'm the ball and
chain around your neck, preventing you from leading a normal life..." I
didn't know how she could not think that. I knew that her working with
me had put a stop to her career ambitions as well as personal ones. She
joined the FBI wanting to distinguish herself, I knew, and working with
me she was distinguishing herself only as a rulebreaker and
troublemaker, called to the AD's office more often for reprimand than
congratulations. I knew how difficult that had been for her to accept,
but the very fact that she did accept it, and almost always without
complaint, was such an unmerited blessing for me. The few times that
she did rebel, refusing to accept what she must have otherwise thought
the inevitable, it was always a shock to me, reminding me how grateful
I should be to have her as my partner.
She shook her head, and I knew I'd upset her, but I had to finish, even
as I felt her nails digging into my hand. "Just ask, Scully, and I'll
let you go." 

A single tear slipped down her cheek as she half-nodded, half-shook her
head. I withdrew my hands from hers to brush away the tiny droplet, but
the spell broke the instant I let her go. She pulled away a little,
whipping a tissue out of her pocket and drying her eyes in a
blink-and-you-miss-it movement. I wonder how many times I'd missed it
before.
She shook herself a little, self-conscious, and then pushed the chair
back away from the table to stand. "We should be getting back," she
said quietly. I nodded, standing slowly. 


Ten seconds later, we were back to our unenthusiastic debate about the
time discrepancy, as if our conversation had never happened. I was
helping Scully with her coat - not that she ever needed help, but it
always made me feel like she was mine - when she let out a small cry of
"Hey..."

She shrugged the coat on quickly and turned, staring down the road
after a silver sedan heading out of town. She glanced up at me sharply,
frowning. "I could have sworn I saw Jacqueline Moss in the passenger
seat."

"Did you see the other kids?" I asked quickly, frowning. I shoved a
hand in my pocket and digged for the car keys before remembering that
we'd walked. 

She frowned. "I... I don't know," she admitted. "I only got a
glimpse..." She shook her head. "Forget it, I'm sure it was just my
mind playing tricks on me."

I nodded slowly, my hand on her back as I gave her a gentle push along
the footpath. "We'll go check," I said quietly.


We reached the station and spent a few minutes searching for the
detective in charge of the case, eventually finding him cursing as he
fought with an old, ailing photocopier. "C'mon, damn thing," he
muttered, slamming the top down ferociously.

"Detective Gregson?" I approached him cautiously. The detective turned
around, looking sheepish. I couldn't blame him for the treatment of the
photocopier, I'd done far worse.

"Found me another suspect yet?" he asked dryly.

Scully glanced at me sharply, then looked at detective. "I'm sorry...?"

"Charges were dropped against the girl," the detective explained.
"Thought you knew. Carl was s'posed to let you know."

Scully and I exchanged quick glances, and I knew exactly what she was
thinking.

"You let the girl go?" I tried to sound as casual as I could about it.
The detective nodded.

"What about two younger children?" Scully asked sharply. "What happened
to them? Have Social Services been put in charge?"

The detective shook his head, moving past and leading us over to a
battered desk with a high pile of paperwork. I could relate to that,
too. "An uncle claimed guardianship," he announced, holding up a
document. "Took them not ten minutes ago."

"I'm assuming that you asked for some identification, proof that he was
who he said he was?" Scully asked, her voice hard.

"He showed us his driver's licence, knew the kids' names, parents'
names," the detective said defensively. "They knew him."

I nodded politely, then pulled Scully away. We had both realised the
real danger of the situation and picked up out pace as we exited the
building. We both went on full alert. I wouldn't call it panicking,
exactly, because we were both too grimly calm and professional about
it.


"So where's this guy going to be taking these kids, Mulder?"
Scully was wrestling with the maps I'd folded - well, kinda - and
shoved in the glovebox. 

"The MacFarlane Corporation had a ... some sort of facility just out of
town," I remembered, one hand on the wheel, the other roaming around
behind me as I sought my packet of sunflower seeds. I found it, pulling
out some seeds and offering Scully one, which she refused, before
tossing them in my mouth.

"Did we have an address?" Scully began to rifle through the case file.

"Uh... Felicity Road, I think it was," I said vaguely. I wasn't really
thinking about that. To be honest, my mind had wandered, despite our
urgency. The Moss' had no near relatives, which meant that the
so-called 'uncle' was a fraud. The kids had known him, though, so he
had to be somebody connected to the Genesis Project. Yeah, I should
have been thinking about all that, but my mind instead was turning over
my conversation with Scully from before. 

It had been one of those incredible, intimate moments between us, and
it strengthened my conviction that we should stop putting ourselves
through hell, give up all the pretence, and just admit to each other
how we really felt. It made me crave more intimacy between us, made me
wish even more fervently that I could wrap my arms around her and kiss
the back of her neck, evoke a little giggle from her. God, there was
nothing more amazing that her laugh. 
I had watched her sleeping many times, watched her wake a few. I
pictured her lying asleep, so beautifully peaceful, unmarred by the
evil in the world. I pictured myself beside her as she woke, imagined
the sleepy greeting smile on her lips, the tender touch of her
fingertips on my cheek. I wanted this amazing woman, I'd made no secret
of that. But maybe it was time to take the plunge.

"Hey, Earth to Mulder?" Scully snapped her fingers in front of my face.
"You just missed the turnoff."


         - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- JACQUELINE POV -

I wasn't going to be afraid, I didn't allow myself. Fear was too much
of a weakness. So instead I seethed. I glared at him, hating the calm,
impersonal expressionlessness of his face as he focused on the road.
Hating him because he stood for everything I hated, everything I'd
almost gotten us away from. Almost. It was so frustrating, so
sickeningly, depressingly frustrating to have gotten so close to
freedom, being treated for once not as a freak. 

So close, but not close enough. 

My anger faded into misery despite my best intentions and I sighed,
slumping down in my seat. What was the use in fighting it? I had no
chance.

"What's going to happen now without Cate and Roger?" I asked quietly.
"Who's running the show?"

It was the first time I'd spoken to him, but his reply was
characteristically unemotional. I might as well have been asking him
about the weather forecast. 
"That's none of your concern," he said calmly.

"Yeah, right," I muttered. I twisted in my seat and looked back at the
kids in the back seat. Astrid looked wistful, disappointed, cuddling up
against Josh. I glanced out the window and saw what she was watching -
two small girls, about her age, skipping down the street, holding their
mother's hand. My heart went out to her. My poor little darling. 

"Stop the car, Darin," I said suddenly. I'd never been more certain
about anything in my life. We were going to get out, and I didn't care
if I had to kill him to do that. "We're getting out."

I reached to open my door but all the doors were automatically locked.
I guess maybe I should have anticipated that. 

"You're above doing something so stupid," Darin said coldly. The
bastard.

Frustrated, I reached across, grabbing the wheel. The car spun wildly
and as Darin wrenched my hand away I was thrown back against the
window. I hit it with a loud smack, my head thumping against the glass.
My God, that hurt. My head swimming with the pain, I sucked in a deep
breath, waiting for it to pass. 

"Your parents wouldn't have been impressed with that behaviour," he
reminded me coldly. "Clearly you're having trouble controlling your
temper."

Head clearing, I was tempted to tell him where he could shove his
threats but I bit that back with difficulty, instead letting out a
heavy sigh and falling back in my seat in defeat, knowing what I had
just done. No doubt there would be a whole series of tests awaiting me
when we reached the compound, though who would now be running these
tests I wasn't sure. I felt a shiver run through me as I realised the
gaping hole my parents death had left, and the fact that someone,
someone with even less moral sense than Cate or Roger, would try to
fill this void. Oh God, what a mess. 

"Duckie..." I turned as I heard Joshua whimper my name. "Duckie, I
don't want to go home..."

I was about to respond, reach out to soothe him, when Darin grabbed my
arm, pulling me back into the seat. "From now on you'll be having no
contact with those children," he warned. "You've been given too free a
hand and things have not been going as successfully as we would have
liked. Understand?"

It took a moment to sink it, but once it did, I wanted to kill him. I
honestly did. My blood ran hot and I felt myself being swamped by a
rush of anger. Almost before I knew what I was doing I swung at him,
hitting him hard in the jaw. Pain shot through my wrist. He was thrown
backwards with the impact and I took the opportunity to grab the wheel,
swinging the car across to the side of the road, and stamping my foot
down over his on the brake. Still dazed from my attack, he tried to
grab my arms to restrain me, but I hit him again, even harder than
before, knocking him out cold. My anger dulled, the rush of adrenalin
passing and leaving me feeling weak and trembly as I stared at his
unconscious, bloody figure. 

I fumbled to open the car door and climbed out, falling to my hands and
knees on the ground in sheer horror at what I'd done, how easily I
could have killed him. I'd been warned of my own strength before, but
it wasn't something that I had, before now, really appreciated. 
And what did this mean to me, now? If they found out I'd done this,
they wouldn't trust me. They'd take the kids away. Oh God. I couldn't
think of anything worse. I couldn't lose them. They were all I had. 

"Duckie?" Astrid had climbed out of the car quietly and was standing,
staring at me. "What did you do to Darin?"

I pulled myself upright, struggling to calm myself and stop myself from
shaking. "I, uh... I had to put Darin to sleep for a while so that we
could get away," I said shakily, fighting for composure. I patted
Astrid gently on the back, my precious, innocent little girl. "You
don't want to go back home, do you?"

Astrid shook her head and I nodded, helping Joshua out of the car.
"Well," I said, pushing myself hard to sound cheerful, "We're going to
have a little adventure."

Astrid's eyes lit up. "What sort of adventure? Can we go on a ship,
Duckie?"

I laughed weakly, feeling more confident. We were free, finally free.
No more hoping and dreading and hating, just freedom. There was a vast
world out there to explore. 
"Maybe we will," I agreed. Her enthusiasm was contagious. I just knew
that we had to get away from the car as soon as we could, as far as we
could. "We're going to have to walk for a little while first, though."

I went around to the other side of the car, opening the driver's side
door and checking Darin quickly before searching through his pockets,
producing a wallet. I pulled out a wad of notes with a vicious grin and
slammed the door shut again. Finally, I was in control. It was a
glorious feeling. 

"C'mon kids," I grinned. "It's adventure time." I had no real plans for
where we were going or how we were going to make it. They were petty
matters, definitely not the first thing on my mind. We were free, that
was what mattered for the time being. We were finally free.


          - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- SCULLY POV - 

We'd almost given up as being hopelessly lost when, refolding an
oversized roadmap, I saw a vaguely familiar sight further along the
road. As we drove closer I recognised three figures, Jacqueline in the
middle, holding hands with Joshua and Astrid as they roamed along the
side of the road.

"Mulder, right ahead," I said quietly.

"Yeah, I see them." He pulled over to the side of the road right in
front of them. Jacqueline stared at us, panicky, bringing her siblings
to a halt and gripping their hands even more tightly.

"Stay here," I told Mulder softly as I exited the car. I wanted to deal
with this on my own. 

"They let us go," Jacqueline said defensively. "They said I was
innocent and they let me go and you have no control over us any more."
She took a step away from me as I approached her.

"Listen, Jacqueline, we just want to make certain that you and your
brother and sister are safe," I assured her, taking another step
closer.

"Keep away from me. Just let us go, okay?!" Jacqueline picked up Joshua
and began to drag Astrid along with her around our car. But Astrid,
holding a small posy of bedraggled flowers, most of them weeds, refused
to budge.

"Hey, sweetie," I said gently, bending down. I knew Astrid was my best
chance. Jacqueline was too hostile, and Joshua too shy. "What happened
to your uncle?"

Astrid shook her head, tugging her hand from her sister's grip. 
"He wasn't our uncle," she said in a matter-of-fact tone.

"Astrid, we're going on an adventure, remember?" Jacqueline reminded
her pointedly, grabbing her sister's wrist.

"Was he a bad man?" I asked gently, ignoring Jacqueline's anger.

Astrid shrugged. "Just like all the others."

"Did you want to go with him, Astrid?" I prodded.

She shook her head. "But now Duckie says we're going on an adventure
and we get to be normal," she beamed happily.

I nodded understandingly. Jacqueline angrily shifted the weight of her
brother in her arms, giving her sister a final tug, pulling her against
her. "Astrid, we're going," she said finally, throwing me a threatening
look. "We appreciate your concern," she said icily, "but we're
perfectly fine."

"We know what you are." Mulder was standing beside the car, arms
crossed. "We just want to help you."

"We don't need help," Jacqueline retorted. "We'll be fine on our own."

"You can't claim custody of these children, Jacqueline. You're only a
child yourself." Mulder stared at her and she stared back at him
defiantly.

"I'm not a child." Her tone was contemptuous and unwavering.
Distracted, she released her grip on Astrid, and I took the opportunity
to pull the child toward me, swinging her up into my arms. I was
surprised by how light she was.

"Hey!" Jacqueline cried, infuriated. "You can't take her!"

"Legally, you're not responsible for these children," Mulder said
coolly. "Agent Scully and I are going to find out who is. Until then,
the three of you will remain in our custody."

Jacqueline tried to push past him to grab Astrid, but I shut her
securely in the back seat of our car. Jacqueline stared, agonised at
her captive sister. "You can't do this," she protested, teeth clenched.
I could see that she was near tears. "You can't. She's not safe." She
held Joshua tightly in her arms.

"Why isn't she safe?" I asked softly. "We can protect her. And you and
Joshua."

"You can't protect us from them," Jacqueline hissed, taking a step back
from me and glancing, tormented, across at Astrid, who was watching the
scene with her face pressed right against the window with innocent
interest.

"From who? Who aren't you safe from?" I prodded. Mulder and I had
already pieced together the facts, but I was curious for more details.

Jacqueline flicked her head to where Mulder still stood beside the car.
"Ask your partner. He knows. I don't know how he knows, he's not
supposed to, but he does. He'll tell you."

Clarity dawned on me and I asked quietly, "You're the one who leaked
the information, aren't you?"

Jacqueline didn't answer, and I pressed with more urgency, "They killed
your parents because they thought they were leaking the information.
They don't want this to get out, do they?"

"They don't want *me* to get out," Jacqueline muttered. She let Joshua
slide to the ground, where he clung to her leg. She let out a small,
tired, defeated sob. "Please, just let us go."

"We can't," I said slowly. I was filled with empathy for her. "And we
won't. We just want to help you, Jacqueline. Why won't you let us?"

Jacqueline looked at me distrustfully, glancing back over at Astrid and
then back again. "I don't trust you," she admitted.

"You don't have anyone else to trust," I reminded her. My eyes moved
past Jacqueline to a white car in the distance. Jacqueline turned
sharply, following my gaze. Then she let out a small half-strangled
groan.

"That's them," she whispered.

I stared for a moment before turning, grabbing Joshua from Jacqueline's
arms. He was even lighter than his sister.

"Get in the car," I urged Jacqueline. "Quickly."

Jacqueline stumbled toward the car, unable to tear her gaze from the
rapidly approaching car. I thrust the little boy back into his sister's
arms as Mulder turned the keys in the ignition, climbing into my seat
and slamming the door as the car roared to life. 
Jacqueline twisted in the back seat, trying to get a good look at the
approaching car before Mulder hit the gas. Then she let out a sigh of
relief. "It's not them," she said slowly. 

"Are you sure?" Mulder demanded, tapping nervously on the steering
wheel.

Jacqueline nodded, frowning. "Yeah, that wasn't them. But they're
coming. I can feel it." She shivered as she looked out through the back
windscreen again.

Mulder craned his neck around to look out through the back windscreen.
"I can't see anyone coming," he said finally. "I think you're sa-"

"Duck," I interrupted sharply. Jacqueline, turning back around in the
seat, saw what I had seen, another car heading toward us. She slipped
down in the seat, pulling her siblings down with her. Mulder, about to
turn off the ignition, instead pulled away from the curb hastily,
creating a cloud of dust as he did a U-turn, heading back in the
direction we'd just come, the tires squealing as we sped past the
approaching car, almost clipping the side.

I glanced back, watching as the other car came to a skidding halt which
sent it careering off the road. "Faster," I murmured to Mulder, trying
to remain calm. I continued to watch the scene through the back
windscreen as the stationary car receded into the distance, two men
appearing from within and gesturing frantically. 

"It's safe now," I said quietly. I glanced ahead of us quickly as the
kids climbed back onto the seat hesitantly. Jacqueline was sitting in
the middle, Astrid and Joshua sitting on either side of them, both
clinging tightly to her, terrified. Jacqueline herself looked grim,
scared but trying to hide it.

"You okay back there?" I asked, tryiing to keep my tone gentle. I
didn't want to deal with two kids scared of me.

"We're fine," Jacqueline answered shortly. "What are you going to do
with us?"

"We want to help you, Jacqueline, you know that," I answered slowly,
turning to look at the road ahead before glancing back at the trio in
the back seat again. "But we're going to need your co-operation."

"Listen, I didn't ask for this to happen," Jacqueline retorted angrily,
obviously still shaken. "None of this is my fault."

"None of what?" Mulder asked in mock ignorance, glancing back.

Jacqueline rolled her eyes. "Forget it," she muttered under her breath.
She turned her gaze to Astrid, who was wriggling uncomfortably, and
strapped her seatbelt on, ignoring Mulder. She then turned to Joshua,
pulling him closer to her. "Josh needs a kiddieseat," she announced
pointedly to us. "It's dangerous for him to be in a car without one."

Mulder and I glanced at each other and sighed heavily. Mulder made a
snap decision, swerving right suddenly and doing a U-turn.

"We're stopping by your house," he told Jacqueline. "Give me
directions."

"What, are you kidding?" Jacqueline went pale. "They'll find us there!
No, you can't!"

"Mulder's right," I objected. "They won't expect us to go back there -
we're heading in the opposite direction. We can grab whatever stuff you
guys need for the next day or so. Babyseats, clothes, whatever."

"Kiddieseat, not babyseat," Jacqueline corrected, still looking scared.
"Josh isn't a baby."

"Kiddieseat," I agreed. "Do you know how we could get into the house?"

Jacqueline searched her pockets, then growled frustratedly. "They took
all my stuff at the cop station - my set of keys. I didn't get them
back off Darin."

"No spare key?" Mulder asked hopefully.

"Cate always said it was an invitation to thieves," Jacqueline said
grimly. "Cate didn't exactly have an optimistic view of the world."

Mulder and I were both quiet, hoping that she would go on, but she went
silent. I watched in the rear-vision mirror as Astrid plucked at her
sister's sleeve, and Jacqueline bent her head down beside her sister's
to hear, grimacing when she heard what her sister had to say. I focused
on the road ahead, feeling guilty about eavesdropping on them. But no
sooner had I done that than Jacqueline spoke. 
"Okay, okay... Uh, Agent Scully?" she asked uncomfortably.

I turned in my seat. "Yeah?"

"Astrid has to go to the bathroom. I think she's kinda desperate."

I groaned silently. "How much further to your house?" I asked, mentally
calculating how long we'd be able to take.

"About seven or eight minutes, I think," Jacqueline said reluctantly.
"You turn left up here, on Holloway Drive..."

"Can you hold it til then, sweetie?" I asked the teary-eyed four year
old, who nodded slightly.

Mulder uncrossed his fingers and let out a sigh of relief.
"We don't want to spend more than five minutes in the house," he
murmured to me. "We just grab anything the kids need, then we all pile
back in the car and hit the gas." He stopped, glancing behind. "Are
they following us?"

"I don't think so. Do you think they recognised us?" I asked uneasily.

"They could have gotten our plates," Mulder admitted. "And if they
did..."

"Don't say it, Mulder," I murmured. I looked across at him, troubled. I
sighed. "What about these kids, Mulder?" I lowered my voice so
Jacqueline couldn't hear. "What's going to happen to them, Mulder? Even
if we can hide them now, somehow, protect them... We can't hide them
away forever, and this project - the MacFarlane Corporation seem to be
almost above the law.  And the moment we hand these kids over to social
services or whoever, they'll... they'll..." I stopped, not knowing
exactly what would happen.

"They'll take us back to the labs and they'll do more tests and more
experiments," Jacqueline piped up, leaning forward toward Mulder and I
in the front of the car. "And life will return to normal for us."

"Unless they find out that you were the leak," I pointed out. "What
would happen if they knew that?"

"They'd probably cut off all communication I have with the world,"
Jacqueline said thoughtfully. "At the moment I get a lot of free time
online. That would definitely go. And, if that failed, they might kill
me." She shivered as she said the last two words. "Not a pretty
thought."

"What sort of tests?" I ventured cautiously.
	
Jacqueline shrugged. "Just tests." She peered out the window. "We're a
few streets away from our house," she warned.

I'd been hoping that she'd elaborate, but clearly she wasn't going to
co-operate. I was curious about her, fascinated about the lives they'd
led, already appalled at the inhumanity of the project. Astrid's
optimistic words echoed in my head: 'We get to be normal...'

Mulder slowed the car, stopping parallel to the curb, but not killing
the engine. "How are we doing this?" he asked me quietly.

"You and Jacqueline go inside with Astrid. I'll stay out here with
Joshua," I said quickly. I glanced back to the back seat. "That okay
with you?"

She shuddered, but nodded stiffly. "Fine."

I could see how scared she was and I wasn't too keen to put her under
this pressure, but we didn't have many alternatives. Besides, I doubted
that she would admit a weakness.

"We can go through my bedroom window," she said reluctantly. "The
lock's broken so we can get in from outside."

"What side of the house is your bedroom in?" I asked, trying to
visualise the house from fragmented crime scene photos.

"Round the other side," Jacqueline said shortly. "It's okay, I'll climb
up and let them through the back door." She flicked her head in
Mulder's direction.

He nodded, pulling out from the curb. We pulled up outside the house
and I recognised from photos Mulder had shown me, although with the
yellow police tape it was obvious enough that it was the house we
wanted. I glanced back to the back seat, curious to see Jacqueline's
reaction to being home, but she showed no sign of emotion. She seemed
pretty good at holding things in.

"Let's get this over with," she said quickly, undoing both her own and
Astrid's seatbelts and reaching to open the door. 

Mulder opened his door as the sisters tumbled out of the car, and then
leaned back over to whisper to me, "We'll be back in five. Keep the
engine running, okay? If anyone comes, go."

"I'm not going to leave you here, Mulder," I objected immediately. No
way was I going to ditch Mulder, on his orders or not. "Just get in and
get out, okay?"

Mulder nodded, climbing out of the car quickly, and I called past him,
"Jacqueline?"

"Yeah?" She turned, firmly clasping her sister's hand, and I could see
the apprehension in her eyes.

"Careful climbing, okay?" I tried to sound encouraging, but couldn't
keep the concern from my  voice.

Jacqueline frowned. "I'm fine," she said shortly. She turned and
followed Mulder toward the house, and I leant back in her seat, tired.
I'd offered friendship and understanding, it was up to her to take up
on it or not. 

"Duckie..." I heard a whimpered word from the back seat and turned to
look at the small dark-haired boy sitting there. His eyes were wide
with terror, and I realised that for the first time he was left alone
with a stranger. And God knows, I could remember how terrifying that
was to me when I was a little kid.

"Hi, Joshua." I smiled at him gently. "My name's Dana. My par- friend
Fox and I are going to help you and your sisters. We're going to make
sure you're safe, okay?" My words didn't seem to soothe him - if
anything, he seemed more anxious and scared now that I was paying
attention to him, squirming in the seat and trying to wiggle out of the
seatbelt.

"I want Duckie," he whimpered, lower lip trembling. He brought his hand
to his mouth and started to chew his thumb, his wide eyes on me. I
found myself amazed by the intensity of those deep grey-green pools. It
was incredible.

"Duckie?" I asked. I didn't understand. Then when I saw him trying to
wiggle across to touch the window, whimpering again, I understood.
"It's okay, sweetie, Jacqui's going to be back here real soon."

His face creased up and he sniffed, a tear trickling down his cheek.
"Duckie," he whimpered again.

I felt more maternal than I ever had then, even more than I had with
Emily. I wanted to pull this little boy into my lap, wrap my arms
around his little skinny body and hug him so, so tightly, a promise
that I'd keep him safe, protect him with my life. 
I glanced across at the house, calculating the risk and deciding I had
to take it, opening my car door and climbing out, sliding into the back
seat beside Joshua, popping his seatbelt and pulling him half onto my
lap. But he protested, struggling to get out of my grip. I felt so hurt
by that, releasing him and letting him climb across to the window,
kneeling on the seat as he stared out. More than anything I wanted to
hold a little child in my arms, to feel the warmth of their little
body... 
Physical contact was something I rarely had any more, and it was
frightening how badly I missed hugs and even just the smallest of
kisses. Even Queequeg curling up asleep on the couch beside me as I
watched TV was better than cold loneliness. I craved touch, anything,
anything that would make me feel wanted or loved. Mulder's intimate,
tender touches, a warm hug from my mom, the weight of my little nieces
or nephews asleep in my arms or the tug at my clothing or the tight
squeeze around the waist. These moments, though only brief, were enough
to quench my loneliness, rehumanise me, reassure me that maybe I wasn't
as isolated from the rest of the world as so often I thought I was.
But being pushed away only made these gulfs seem wider, more
impenetrable. I felt so utterly, utterly hopeless, so lonely and
unwanted, as I slid back into my seat. 

The front door suddenly swung open and Mulder, Jacqueline and Astrid
came piling out, each loaded up with tote bags and grocery bags full of
food. I shook myself, trying to stir some energy within me as I climbed
out of the car, opening the trunk and shoving to the side our Mulder's
and my luggage, making room, and helping to pack the bags as Mulder and
Jacqueline handed them to her.

"You didn't get the kiddieseat," I noted once we were again heading
into town. I glanced back, noting with resigned jealousy that Joshua
was now in Jacqueline's arms, and seemed to be falling asleep
peacefully as he sucked on a cookie. Did Jacqueline know how lucky she
was, I wondered?

"It was in the car, we couldn't get it. But we got food and clothing."
He shrugged.

I nodded slowly. I knew I should focus on the case but I felt such
aching emptiness inside, so miserably tired and unwanted, that I didn't
want to. Nevertheless, I pushed myself. "Where are we going now?"

"Car rental, then motel," Mulder answered briefly. He was frowning, and
I could almost hear his brain ticking madly as he thought. 

I nodded slowly to myself as I worked through the logic of it. 
"And then what?" I asked quietly. I sighed unhappily. There was no
up-side to any of this. "Mulder, we're in one hell of a mess. You do
realise that, don't you?"

"I know," Mulder admitted softly. "We'll talk about it later, okay?
We've just got to get somewhere safe first." He reached down from the
steering wheel to give my hand a reassuring squeeze, and it was a
gesture I found intensely comforting. My only regret was that he let
go. I could have done with a lot more reassurance.

We reached the airport car rental only a few minutes later, parking
across the street. "I'll be back as soon as I can," Mulder promised us
as he left. It was only once his figure had disappeared into the
building that I found the energy - or courage, I'm not quite sure - to
turn around and face the kids. Astrid and Joshua were asleep, which
surprised me a lot. Jacqueline was still very much wide awake, but my
awkward attempt to strike up conversation with her failed dismally.

I was immeasureably relieved when Mulder appeared, swinging a keyring
between his fingers triumphantly. He broke into a jog as he ran across
to the parking lot, finding the car and parking neatly behind ours.

"I got some cash, as well," he announced as he opened my door. "The ATM
was there and I thought what the hell... If they know, then they'll
know we came here anyway, so I thought it was worth the risk."

"How much did you get?" I asked nervously. I didn't like his tone. It
was deceptively light and casual. 

"Enough," Mulder answered quickly after hesitating for a moment.

I caught his arm as he turned. "Mulder, how much?" I repeated, forcing
the words.

"The maximum daily withdrawl amount," he said wryly.

I sighed heavily, feeling my insides sinking. "You're not feeling too
confident about this, are you?"

       - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- MULDER POV -

I could't lie to her. All I could promise was, "We'll get through this,
Scully." 
I knew it wasn't the most reassuring thing to say, but it seemed to
cheer Scully up, if even only a little. She'd had that distanced look
in her eyes since we'd left the Moss' place and I couldn't quite figure
out why. I guessed that maybe Jacqueline's sullenness had finally
gotten to her, though that didn't seem too likely. It seemed a lot
deeper than that.

The kids were asleep in the car and Jacqueline woke them to move them
into the new car, along with all the luggage we'd picked up at their
place. Scully returned the car we'd hired on arrival in town, and soon
we were heading west, Scully driving, heading toward the motel I'd
picked out. The kids fell asleep again almost immediately and Scully
was silent, staring ahead, so I didn't push her to talk. We must have
driven along silently for almost half an hour before the still silence
was broken.

"I'm getting hungry," Jacqueline informed us, sounding fed up and bored
now that her siblings were asleep. I'd always gotten like that on a car
trip, started bugging Mom and Dad once Sam fell asleep and left me with
nobody to tease and torture. It wasn't until I'd been able to drive
that I'd really been able to tolerate long stretches along empty
highways. And since Scully had been in the car beside me, I'd even
started to enjoy them. Sometimes we talked, sometimes I drove her mad
with my selection of cassette tapes or choice of radio station,
sometimes we just drove along, comfortable, alone in our own thoughts. 

This situation, though, was an entirely new experience. Something told
me that I wasn't going to have much opportunity to relish the quiet.

I glanced back at Jacqueline. "We can't stop yet, it's not safe. Can't
you reach any food?"

Jacqueline shook her head dismissively, falling back into the seat with
a sigh. "Doesn't matter. I'll have something later."

"How much food did you pick up?" Scully murmured to me. I guess she was
trying to calculate how much food we'd need to feed the five of us for
a few days.

I shrugged. "I don't know exactly. There was some bread, some crackers,
cookies, tins, some vegetables..."

"Vegetables?" Scully's eyebrows rose. "I'm guessing that you're not the
one responsible for putting them in there?"

"I put them in," Jacqueline answered sullenly from the back seat.
"Astrid and Josh and I are used to healthy food."

I watched as Scully squirmed uncomfortably, focusing back on the road
ahead. Her grip on the steering wheel tightened and relaxed
continuously and I couldn't remember the last time I'd see her looking
so uptight. I didn't like it at all. 
After about an hour, she slowed to a halt, rubbing her eyes. "Mulder,
can you drive for a while?" she asked tiredly. "The sun is killing my
eyes..."

I nodded, and as we both exited the car to swap sides, Scully caught my
arm, looking at me with clearly worried eyes. "Mulder, what the hell
are we going to do?" she asked. "If they know who we are..."

I met her gaze evenly. The same thoughts had been weighing me down. "We
just have to hope that they don't," I assured her, without much
conviction.

"I guess," she answered doubtfully, heaving a sigh. "Things are going
to be really difficult."

I touched her shoulder briefly. "We'll talk more later, okay?"

"How can you be so confident about this, Mulder?" she wondered
unhappily. "I just think about these kids and..."

"Maybe you think too much about these kids," I answered quietly, my
gaze meeting hers. Outwardly, I was calm and quiet, but inwardly I was
wincing and holding my breath that she wouldn't hate me for saying
that. 

She licked her lips, then turned away, moving past me toward the other
side of the car. She'd taken it the wrong way.

"Wait, Scully.." I grabbed her arm urgently. "That's not a bad thing,
okay?"

She nodded slowly, then turned and climbed into the car. Moments later
we were driving again.


We arrived at the motel late afternoon, tired, eyes aching, Astrid and
Joshua grumpy after the drive. I could kinda understand why my parents
had always snapped at us when we finally reached that holiday
destination, why my dad had sworn at us when we whined and fought - but
I wouldn't go there, I vowed. I wouldn't.

We sat outside in the motel parking lot for several long moments in
silence, staring at each other. "So," Scully said finally. "What's our
story?"

To be honest, I hadn't really thought of that. I guess it might have
been a bit suspicious to turn up with three kids, proclaiming ourselves
as FBI agents and billing the government. Yeah, that would definitely
stick out. We had to keep a low profile, something ordinary... 

I grinned suddenly, knowing that my prayers had finally been answered.
For what seemed forever I'd been hoping we'd get another undercover
case, another opportunity for me to paw Scully at every opportunity,
for us to 'play house'. This was like a godsend. I grinned broadly at
Scully and nodded my head slowly as she raised an eyebrow
incredulously.  
"Mulder, no," she protested. "There has to be another option..."

"If you wanna keep these kids safe, Scully, we're going to have to take
precautions, that's all. Lie low. And the most obvious solution to our
situation is that you -" I smiled at her wickedly, not feeling remotely
guilty about pushing this onto her "-and I coming back for another try
at a game of Happy Families."

I beamed at her. She sighed heavily. "Something's telling me I'm going
to regret going along with this..."

       - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 


- SCULLY POV - 

The motel clerk materialised half a second after I'd rung the buzzer,
like some over-zealous Jack-In-The-Box. The kids were huddled in the
corner, Joshua in Jacqueline's arms, his head nodding sleepily. Astrid,
though clinging to Jacqueline tightly with one hand, was exploring the
various brochures and posters pinned on the walls.

I summoned up my brightest, perkiest smile - a huge effort in the state
I was in - and requested accomodation for five people for "a few days".

Mulder draped his arm around my shoulders comfortably, pulling me close
against him. "If you have some sort of family suite, that would be
greatly appreciated," he added. I almost applauded the act - he seemed
amazingly genuine. I was also getting the feeling that he was enjoying
it.

The clerk opened a heavy book and skimmed his finger down the page.
"All we've got available's a room with a double bed and two singles,"
he informed us, looking at us expectantly. "Otherwise you can get two
rooms with connecting doors -"

"Uh, no," I interrupted briskly. "We'd prefer just one room." The
statement needed some explanation, I realised, and I added, "The
younger children suffer from separation anxiety. We prefer to keep them
close to us so that they can feel more secure." I almost applauded
myself for coming up with that excuse.

The clerk shook his head. "Well, folks, then all I can offer you is the
one room with the double and the two singles..." he shrugged
apologetically. "You could maybe push the singles together to make jest
the one big-"

"That'll be fine, thank you," I cut him off, still smiling
mechanically. My facial muscles were literally starting to ache with
the effort. I felt exhausted. 

The clerk turned the book toward us, handing them a pen. "Jest fill
this out and we'll have you all set," he announced, smiling. "Now,
what's your form of payment?"

"We'll pay cash," I said immediately. I met the his surprised
expression and shrugged. "It's, uh... more convenient. We travel a
lot." As Mulder was poised to write I slapped his hand, taking the pen
from him and shooting him a pointed glare. "No way," I mouthed.

I began to fill out the book, entering our names as Rob and Laura,
hesitating for a fraction of a second before finishing with 'Delaney',
my mother's maiden name.

"So, where d'you folks hail from?" the clerk asked brightly.

I kept my head down, letting Mulder answer that one. I was too tired of
thinking. "Actually, we're from... uh, California." I glanced up at him
and shot him a pointed glare. Typical Mulder. If he was going to start
pawing me like he did at the Falls at Arcadia... No way, Mulder. Nope.

"Well, ain't that jest the funniest thing?" the clerk said agreeably,
"my sister Dolares lives on the Californ'yun coast! Say, wherebouts do
y'all live in Californ'ya?"

I glanced up and saw that Mulder's smile was somewhat sly. "We move
around a lot," he said easily. "The last place we lived was called The
Falls at Arcadia... Wonderful place. Very strong neighbourly spirit."
I heard a small gasp from him as my elbow connected solidly with his
ribs. Sorry, Mulder, but you deserved that. 

"Say, your missus don't look too much like she's spent too much time in
the sun," clerk observed. I glanced up, about to sign my false name,
and shot him a look which I don't think he caught. I guess he was
lucky. I pride myself on having a nasty deathstare.

Mulder smiled jocularly. "She's not much of an outdoors girl, are you
-" he glanced down at the book and contiinued on smoothly, "Laura,
honey?" He smiled up at the clerk. "Has to protect her fair skin, of
course."

The clerk nodded knowledgeably. "My sister Dolares, she's got real fair
skin, she has. And all her little kiddies all got fair skin too. Real
hassles, it is." He ran his eyes over Jacqueline, Astrid and Joshua.
"Still, don't look like your lot inherited like Dolares'..."

Mulder nodded in agreement, smiling. I'd finished filling out our
details and caught the clerk's attention, fairly desperate to distract
him from the conversation. Irritated at Mulder's dominance over the
situation, I shrugged his arm off my shoulders. 
"Uh, Rob, why don't you take the kids and start unpacking when I get
everything sorted out?" I suggested, throwing him a look which
threatened harm if he didn't listen. I held out the key which the clerk
had laid down on the counter.

"Sure, sweetheart," Mulder smirked. He bent down, laying a quick kiss
on my cheek, right on the corner of my mouth, then pulled away. "I'll
see you in a few minutes," he whispered, his tone dripping affection.

Apprehension and intense, possessive affection surged up at that simple
contact. I bit my lip hard, pushing the feelings back down, drawing a
deep, controlled breath to still the sudden turmoil. Why was the man
playing with me like this? He knew how I felt. This wasn't the time to
toy with our relationship. 

"Okay, kids," Mulder announced cheerfully, "let's go start unpack while
Mom finishes organising everything."

He glanced back at me, grinning wickedly as he ushered the trio out
through the door. I just watched him, uncertain. It wasn't the time to
push our relationship further, but when would it be? That tiny, teasing
kiss had reawakened the feelings I usually managed to kept dormant, and
was threatening to override my rational reasoning. There was no place
for libidinous thoughts in our work. And, I thought regretfully, that
was all the more, now. We had the welfare of these kids to worry about.
For their sakes, Mulder and I couldn't afford to focus on ourselves and
our relationship. It was totally unprofessional and it was dangerous.

I realised the clerk was talking to me and I looked up, smiling
politely at him even as I had no idea what he was saying. I tuned in
just in time to hear "- real fine fam'ly there."

I paid for two nights in cash, then escaped. Entering the motel room, I
threw off my coat with a tired, frustrated sigh, my eyes ranging around
the room, uninterested. 
There was a large double bed and two single beds side by side, a small
table with three chairs in one side of the room, a TV, closet, two sets
of drawers... the usual sort of motel room, the same atmosphere, but
not the usual situation. 
Mulder and Astrid came through the door, lugging an armful of bags
each. I grabbed the bags from Mulder's arms, dropping them down to the
ground and pulling him away from Astrid a few feet. 
"Mulder, we need to have a talk," I said firmly. I felt empowered at
that moment, and certain beyond all doubt that I had to set him
straight about the teasing. It was unprofessional, to say the least.

"Uh, Scully..." Mulder indicated Astrid. I glanced across and saw that
she was staring at us with a puzzled frown. Jacqueline and Josh entered
the room, Jacqueline with a large bag of food and Joshua trailing
behind her.

"How long are we going to be here for?" Jacqueline demanded, dropping
down the bags and looking at us expectantly.

I drew a deep breath, wanting to show some control in the situation,
even though I felt I had none. "Hopefully just a couple of days. We
don't know for certain. Just until we can be sure they're not following
us."

"And then?" Jacqueline demanded. "What happens when we do leave here?"

"We don't know that either, yet," Mulder admitted.

"Great," Jacqueline muttered. Joshua tugged at her jeans and she bent
down. "What is it, Joshie?"

"Hungry," he said, pronouncing the word carefully but petulantly. I
couldn't remember how old he was. I was sure Mulder had said two, but
he looked younger, he was so slightly built. Jacqueline lifted him up
into her arms, talking to him softly and evoking a shy smile from him
before turning to face us. 
"Can we unpack some of this stuff?" She indicated the bags piled along
the wall. "I packed a bag full of Josh's toys."

Mulder nodded, moving to switch the TV on and flipping channels until
he found cartoons. "This'll keep the kids occupied while we sort
through the bags," he explained.

"We don't watch Television," Jacqueline said coldly. "We weren't
allowed. We didn't even own one."

Mulder wasn't fazed. "You've got one now." He swept Astrid up and sat
her down on the bed in front of the TV, patting her on the head. She
stared curiously at the TV for a moment, then glanced up at Mulder,
frowning, then returned her gaze to the screen, her face scrunched up
in fascinated concentration as she watched.
I watched the scene between Mulder and the child with the same amount
of fascination and curiosity, glancing surreptitiously at Mulder and
secretly cherishing the grin on his face as he watched Jacqueline
grudgingly settle down with Joshua beside Astrid. Maybe there was hope,
after all. 

Mulder and I began to sort through the bags, putting them into some
sort of order, and unpacking the bag which held a selection of
educational children's toys. Joshua and Astrid, quickly tired of the
TV, grabbed the toys greedily and sat down on the floor to play with
them. Jacqueline sat with them, talking to Joshua as he made a tower of
blocks, and Astrid as she put together a complicated wooden puzzle.

I watched them, fascinated. "Mulder, these kids' abilities are far
beyond their years. I've never seen a two year old so capable with his
hands before."

"They're not normal kids, Scully," Mulder reminded me.

Yeah, right. I'd almost forgotten that. They'd both been acting so
right for their ages, sleepy and grumpy, that it had been hard to
comprehend that they were different. Special.

There was a happy shout from Astrid and she jumped up, clapping for
herself. "Finished!" she cried happily. She turned to Mulder and I,
beaming. "Look, I did it!!"

Jacqueline tried to quieten her sister, but I returned the smile.
"That's wonderful, Astrid," I said encouraging, unable to keep the
happiness from my voice. Astrid's cheerfulness was contagious, making
me feel better about our situation, lifting my spirits. I wouldn't give
up on this case, on these kids, I vowed.

I glanced across at Mulder, and could see that he was grinning. 
"What now, G-man?" I asked with a raised eyebrow.

Mulder grinned, producing an opened paper bag of cookies and offering
to me. I took one and bit into it hesitantly, grimacing slightly at the
lack of sugar I usually associated with cookies but downing the rest of
it nonetheless. Mulder grabbed a handful for himself, then put the bag
down on the floor in the middle of the mess of puzzle pieces and
blocks. Both Astrid and Joshua immediately looked to Jacqueline, who
allowed, "Two each."

I felt again the stab of jealousy as I watched Jacqueline mothering the
two children, the ease with which she talked to them, helped them, and
the affection with which the children responded. I wandered around the
motel room aimlessly, my eyes always returning to the trio sitting on
the floor. I switched off the TV, then sat down on the edge of one of
the beds, staring at a painting on the wall unseeingly, letting myself
relax for a few moments, zone out.

"Dana!!" I was jerked back to reality by Astrid's persistant tugging on
my sleeve, and a picture was then pushed into my face. "I drew you a
picture, Dana!" she announced proudly.

I blinked in surprise, taking the offered picture and looking at it, my
surprised growing.

"It's you and Mr Fox," Astrid said happily. "I drew you together, but
it's for you."

"Thank you, Astrid." I was genuinely delighted, amused by the name, 'Mr
Fox'. "It's a wonderful drawing."

The drawing itself wasn't exactly a da Vinci - Astrid's mental ability
might be far beyond her age, but her artistic abilities were spot on
for a preschooler. But I didn't care. I was delighted by Astrid's show
of affection for someone she barely knew. She was a far more
affectionate child than I had ever been. 

Astrid returned to her drawing on the floor, but I continued to look at
it, smiling to myself. Childlike as the figures were, they still,
somehow, bore an uncanny resemblance to Mulder and myself, standing
closely together, my hand in his. Except, unlike too many days, we were
both smiling.

Mulder appeared beside me and I flushed slightly as he took the picture
from my fingers, inspecting it. "Not bad," he said, returning the
picture. I glanced up at him apprehensively, but he was smiling. I
wondered what he thought of the fact that we were holding hands, a
gesture which, in our relationship, was rare and intimate. 
Intimate... I loved that word. I loved what it stood for in our
relationship. Everything from gentle touches to whispered
conversations. 
My heart started to beat a little faster. It was a good thing we
weren't alone, I thought. If we were I wasn't so sure I'd be able to
keep my hands off him. I'd felt possessive of Mulder in the past,
protective of him, felt that wonderful trust, the affection that ran so
deep. And yes, to be honest, I'd felt lust before. I'd laid in bed some
nights, unable to sleep because of that deep, burning desire for him.
Come daylight, and I saw sense. Never once had I succumbed to the urge
to go for it, consequences be damned. But right there, in that motel
room, I felt closer than I ever had before.

"Hey, Laaaaaura..." I realised I'd zoned out again when Mulder's
devilish tone snapped me back to reality. He'd thrown himself down on
the bed beside me, letting out a small, comfortable moan.

I drew a breath and set my expression before turning to face him. I
knew I had to be stern, for our professional relationship as well as
our personal one, which kept inching forward when I wasn't looking.
"Mulder..."

Mulder held up a finger. "Nuh uh uh!" he reminded me, "it's Rob. And
we're married, remember?" He looked gleeful that I almost felt guilty
about ruining his fun. 

"Inside this motel room, we're Mulder and Scully, you get that?" I held
his gaze firmly, quenching that small voice inside that cried out in
protest. "We're Mulder and Scully and we are *partners*."

He looked down at the bedcovers for a moment, then looked up again,
pouting. "That means no cuddling?"

"No cuddling," I said resolutely, though even as I said it I knew with
all my heart that I was lying. "And stop doing that - that *thing* with
your arm around me. You've got more arms than an octopus, Mulder!" 

"Hey, I was just getting into character," he protested. 

"Mulder, we've been married for fifteen years!" I reminded him
pointedly. "We're not honeymooners anymore, okay? We've been married
for fifteen years and we're sick to death of each other!" I sighed,
sick of the joking around, just wanting to be taken seriously. "Just
snap out of it Mulder, okay?" 

Mulder mock-sighed, pulling himself upright. "So, oh wife of mine, what
are we going to do about the sleeping arrangements? We have three beds,
five people and no couch." He raised an eyebrow suggestively.

I exhaled slowly, again trying to tamp down the feelings stirring in
me. Oh God, how would I survive this? "We're sharing," I answered
shortly. 

"But Scully, I seem to recall you just saying -"

I'd been expecting that exact obnoxious response. "Quit it, Mulder!" I
warned. "You're too tall to fit one of those single beds there. We'll
push the two single beds together the three kids can squash, and then
you and I-"

"Share the bed!" Mulder finished. He placed a hand on my shoulders.
"Honey, we're married - we have three kids," he said in a mockingly
reassuring tone. "There's nothing wrong with us- Hey!"


       - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- MULDER POV -

I guess Scully must have had a lot of opportunities to perfect her arm
twist growing up, cos it sure was mean. No wonder her brother is so
bitter about life. Times like this reminded me how strong she is,
despite her size. Her grip on my wrist was like iron.

"Mulder, I'm not your honey. Can I make that *any* clearer?" she asked,
her eyes dancing with a flicker of what I almost thought was amusement,
though I didn't dare act on it. "And secondly, we are *not* going to be
sleeping together, as we will be taking turns to keep watch all hours
of the day!"

She loosened her grip a little and I pulled away, rubbing my sore arm.
"Okay, I hear you, I hear you," I muttered, wincing.

Scully stared at me for a moment, then nodded, satisfied.
"Good. And I'm not your mother, either, so you're going to clean up any
mess that you make." She didn't wait for an answer, but left the bed,
moving over to the bags and starting to sort through for something.

I chuckled. I was going to annoy the hell out of Scully and enjoy doing
it.


       - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- SCULLY POV -

I didn't know what Mulder was up to, but it was a difficult afternoon. 
Jacqueline was with the kids, and fiercely possessive of them. She was
constantly with them, amusing and entertaining them, helping them with
puzzles, talking to them, admiring their pictures. That pretty much
left Mulder and I to sit and watch, which we did. And wait. Though
through my years with Mulder I've had more than enough practice in
patience, I felt as though I was getting to the end of my tether.
Mulder was being more obnoxious that he'd even been, in my
recollection, and it was suffocating. He was like a bored little boy
acting out for attention. I scolded him endlessly, prising his hands
off me, pushing him away. It wasn't that I minded his touch, but not
when it meant nothing more than to annoy. That didn't give me chills
the way the slightest touch sometimes could. 
Eventually Jacqueline seemed to thaw a little and sat down with a book
of her own, even though she kept glancing anxiously across at the kids
and then scowling across at Mulder and I. By the time Astrid and Joshua
were chasing each other around the motel room and squealing and
shrieking though, she was completely engrossed in her book, and didn't
look up once. 
I know this because I was watching her. It was fascinating to watch,
the way her eyes darted back and forth. It seemed she turned a page
every twenty seconds or so. It was incredible. It was only when Astrid
and Joshua collapsed exhausted on the bed, panting loudly and giggling,
that she looked up at them, and smiled. I was stunned to see that
smile. It was a bittersweet smile, wistfully joyous. 

Our dinner of pizza was a new experience to all three of them - "Cate
always said it was too unhealthy" - and by the time the meal, eaten out
of the box, sitting on the carpeted floor, was finished, Astrid and
Joshua were already looking and sounding sleepy.

"I threw their pajamas in somewhere," Jacqueline muttered as she rifled
through the various bags. Finally, she pulled out two small pairs of
plain children's pajamas, one blue and one red.

Mulder and I were settled against the foot of the bed. I'd finally
given up on pushing Mulder away and he now had his left arm draped
around my shoulders. His touch was gentler now. I didn't feel so
pressured or bullied by him, as I had earlier in the day with his
agressive obnoxious teasing. There was something about it that lulled
me out of my protests. Ethically, we were over the line, I knew, but
something about Mulder's touch was so intensely reassuring. It was both
everything and nothing at once, excruciatingly beautiful and
unremarkable, and I wasn't afraid of the intimacy because it was
Mulder, and I trusted that he wouldn't hurt me, and I knew he would
only go so far. That Jacqueline or the kids seemed to accept it all
without question only added to that surreal comfortability. 

"Do you want some help dressing them?" I asked tentatively. Reluctant
as I was to leave his touch, I had to redirect my thoughts or I'd be up
all night thinking about him, I knew. 

"I'm fine," Jacqueline answered shortly, pulling Joshua toward her and
starting to undress him, her fingers quick and deft, as though having
performed the exact same task hundreds of times. Within minutes, her
younger brother was in his pajamas and tucked into one of the double
beds. Soon Astrid was snuggled in beside her brother, yawning, and
Jacqueline was sitting beside the bed, talking to them softly as they
drifted off to sleep. She was so - oh, almost infuriatingly maternal. I
envied her more and more as I watched her with them. At times I felt
that I could survive, that I could deal with the knowledge of the
inevitable. But to have to watch this was painful, so painful.

Mulder stood and tugged me to my feet, and I settled down across on the
other bed as he tidied up the dinner mess. I sat with my knees up to my
chest, hugging them tightly. Right then, if Mulder had pulled me into
his arms I could have let him, gladly. The more I saw Jacqueline with
the kids the more and more miserable I felt, the lonelier. I wondered
if Mulder felt the same way, or whether he just wasn't bothered by
these things. From our conversation in the cafe, I thought maybe there
was a lot more to read into in his attitude than I'd assumed. 

He threw himself on the bed beside me, and we made some vague attempts
to discuss our next move before trailing off and watching the kids
curiously. 

"She's like a mother to them," I sighed softly. I made no attempt to
hide any emotion in my voice. I was tired, felt depleted of energy.
This had been an exhausting day, and not just physically. 

"I think she probably was. She gave them the love and attention that
their adopted parents never did," Mulder said slowly.

"Poor kids," I whispered.

Mulder looked up at me, his eyes dark, gaze steady. "Scully, however
you feel about these kids, you can't lose focus," he reminded me
gently. Any remaining traces of annoying mock-affection had vanished
and his empathy was completely genuine, I knew with all my heart.

"I know that," I nodded regretfully. "I know." I sank back against him,
too tired and emotionally low to keep up the facade of pushing him
away, instead admitting silently my need for comfort and strength.

Mulder's thumb was gently grazing the back of my hand, playing with
each individual finger, as we sat together in still silence. There was
no need to talk. It was only when Jacqueline rose from her sleeping
siblings' bedside and approached us cautiously that I roused myself,
stretching and pulling slightly out of Mulder's grip.

"Have you decided anything more yet?" Jacqueline asked shortly. Her
arms were crossed and she wiggled her toes impatiently.

I shook my head. "We've been thinking," I answered quietly.

"You know, you could help us out if you could give us some more
information about the project - names of people involved, anything else
you know," Mulder said pointedly.

"I didn't know their names," Jacqueline admitted. She dropped down on
the edge of the bed hesitantly and studied her fingernails for a
moment. "They were all just doctors and scientists. Dr H, that sorta
stuff. Nobody was called by their real, full name. I guess it was a
security measure, or something."

"How did you access the files you leaked?" My mind was starting to warm
up again, revived by Mulder's touch, the promise of a fascinating
revelation from Jacqueline. I tried to inconspicuously draw a notepad
and pen toward me to take notes of anything she said, but then suddenly
changed my mind, realising that in our position it would be dangerous
to keep hard copies of anything. We were hunted, and I felt it, the
pressure of it, in the back of my mind. That was what I had to focus
on, I told myself. Not the gentle touch of Mulder's rough, worn hands.

"They all trusted me there, really. I don't know why. Maybe they didn't
know how much I hated them all. But they were always sending me on
errands, photocopying files, sending faxes to outside the compound."
She paused a moment, adding musingly, "I never really thought they'd
think it was Cate and Roger. I mean, that doesn't make any sense. But I
knew they wouldn't suspect me - I was their prize guinea-pig." She
rolled her eyes. "With my IQ I could supposedly take over Cate and
Roger's job one day. If things went according to plan, anyway."

"The compound?" I queried.

"The McFarlane Corporation has a large compound just out of town. It
was built about twenty years ago, expensively designed. That's where
most of the workers on the project spend their time as well as all the
above-board work they did. We were taken in a couple of days a week for
tests, tutorials, that sorta stuff."

"What sort of stuff?" Mulder pressed, glancing at me, his eyes shining,
excited.

Jacqueline sighed tiredly. "They were testing us on everything - mainly
mental stuff, psychological and educational, but some physical things
as well. It was about comparing us to..." she trailed off, shrugging.
"We both had tutors - Astrid and I - and they taught us some things."

"Such as?"

Jacqueline shrugged. "The usual. Physics, chemistry, biology -
genetics, of course, a lot of math. That's the earlier stuff I learnt.
Lately they were teaching me specifically about DNA and how to alter
cells and genes. Kinda interesting," she conceded, "but it was tedious,
constantly having to memorise things."

"What about Astrid? What were they teaching her?" I asked, glancing
across at the small, sleeping child.

"She was really only just starting - the basics of genetics, plus some
math, algebra and stuff."

"They were teaching a four year old algebra?" I asked incredulously. 

"What about Joshua?" Mulder asked slowly.

"He spent a lot of time with the child psychologist," Jacqueline
answered offhandedly.

"Why did he need a psychologist?" I frowned, glancing across at him.

Jacqueline shrugged. "He didn't. None of us really did. It was just
another way of monitoring our progress - monitoring us. Some of the
earlier results had been ... unstable. That was always one of the
biggest difficulties. Besides, his psychologist doubled as a teacher -
he was learning numbers, the alphabet, fluent speaking, correct
enunciation... the usual kid stuff."

"Yeah, the usual kid stuff," I echoed under my breath. This was
unbelievable. "But he didn't seem particularly fluent before," I
argued. I admit it, I just didn't want to believe her. It was too
impossible. Despite Emily and the Berkowitz case and whatever others
we'd seen...It was just too huge to process, too unexplained, too
illogical.

Jacqueline shook her head dismissively. "He's just shy around
strangers. He's..." she smiled, "he's got a nickname for me, -"

"Duckie," I remembered. I half-smiled. 

"Yeah," Jacqueline nodded her head. "He can say Jacqueline easily, but
he prefers Duckie..." She paused for a moment before adding, more to
herself than to us, "So do I." 

She was silent for a moment, then shook herself. "I'm tired. Is it okay
if I get some sleep?"

I nodded absently, my mind going over the incredible facts we had just
learnt. Not just the fact that a seemingly normal four year old was
doing algebra, but the fact that these children had been used as human
lab rats. I felt dull anger at the fact that these scientists had taken
away the freedom of these children - and the childhood of Jacqueline.
Nobody had the right to do that, to play God.

Jacqueline grabbed a tote bag from the floor and disappeared into the
bathroom, latching the door behind her. Mulder and I met each other's
gazes.

I sighed, very, very heavily. "So, what do you think?"

Mulder shook his head slowly. "It's incredible, isn't it, Scully?"

"It's so cruel," I answered, shivering. "They made these children, and
then they didn't allow them to be children. They made them to be lab
rats." My anger was rising. "They're children, Mulder, and look at the
life they've been living." 
Four year olds should be playing with dolls or having teaparties or
dressing pet cats in doll clothes and pushing them around in a baby
carriage, not spending all day learning things I hadn't learnt until
high school. It was unjust. With knowledge came a lot of
responsibility, an awareness of the world. Ignorance is bliss, they
say, and it's true for kids, I know it is. They should enjoy their
childhood, enjoy their innocence and blind faith in the world. 
"It's cruel," I repeated, the anger fading into tiredness.

Mulder bit his lip, reaching out to put his hand on my shoulder,
rubbing gently, bending his head close to mine. "I know it's unfair,
Scully," he agreed. "But if we get too attached to these kids, we're
going to become too emotionally involved. We have to remember that it's
not our job to be parents, it's our job to keep these kids safe and
catch whoever is responsible for their parents' death. And for the way
these children have been treated. It's not our job to... to care about
them."

"Caring about others isn't part of the job, Mulder, it's part of being
a human being," I said softly.

Mulder nodded in silent agreement, his hand still massaging my shoulder
through my clothing. "I know, Scully," he said finally. 

There was a squeak as the bathroom door opened and Jacqueline appeared,
wearing checked blue and green pajamas.
Mulder and I pulled apart immediately, feeling uncomfortable under her
piercing, disconcerting gaze. Moments like that between us were so, so
private to both of us.

"You get some sleep, Scully," Mulder said softly. "I'll keep first
watch."

I nodded, climbing down off the bed and grabbing my overnight bag from
the floor, moving toward the small bathroom.
"Goodnight, Jacqueline," I said, almost shyly, as I passed her, smiling
encouraging and hoping desperately that she wouldn't knock back my
attempt at friendship again.
	
Jacqueline gave me the ghost of a smile as she climbed into the bed
beside her brother and sister. "Goodnight."
She switched off the lamp beside the bed, so that half the room was now
swamped in darkness, and settled down with a sigh.


       - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- MULDER POV - 
		
I dropped down into the armchair which stood by the door, a position
where I could keep an eye on the two curtained windows and the door. I
heard the creak when Scully emerged from the bathroom, and dropped my
gaze to the weapon I cradled in my lap, not daring to look up at her.

"You okay, Mulder?" She sounded mildly concerned.

I glanced up at her, startled to see her standing there, clad in black
silk pajamas. More black. Did she realise, I wondered, how badly I
wanted her? I half-shrugged, gaze still on her. "Yeah." I paused,
wanting to say something more, but what could I say? I wanted to hold
her as I had earlier, to tell her how amazing she was. I wanted us both
to just let go.

"'Night, Scully."

She gave me a small smile, a little uncertain but pleased, almost shy.
"Goodnight, Mulder."

I watched, smiling as she yawned again and then meandered off toward
the bed, climbing under the covers and switching off the light. In the
moonlight I could see the silk of her pajamas, and I smiled as I
contemplated her. She was tough as nails, not afraid of getting her
hands dirty. So uncompromising, fiercely determined, not taking any
crap. And, at the same time, so compassionate, so tender, so small and
vulnerable in my arms, so trusting. She was doctor and FBI agent but
she was a woman, too, and watching her now it was more obvious than
ever. Slim and agile, smelling of soap after her quick shower, so
indeniably sexy in the silk pajamas. My mind started to wander on it's
own initiative and I shook myself. I sighed, rubbing my face. Don't go
there, Mulder.

Scully stirred in the bed, sitting upright sleepily. "Mulder, is that
you?" she murmured, blinking as she tried to focus in the dark.

I swallowed, realising I must have uttered my last thought aloud.
"Yeah, I was just muttering to myself. Sorry." 

"S'okay," Scully answered drowsily, snuggling back into the pillows.
She was soon fast asleep, and I sat, leaning back in the chair,
watching her as she slept, the moonlight illuminating half her face,
the rest hidden in shadows in a way I found intriguing. The experience
itself, of watching her sleep, was something I always found so
extraordinarily soothing and reassuring, keeping me grounded, reminding
me that we were only human, despite how we escaped death enough to
appear immortal.


      - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- SCULLY POV - 

I returned to sluggish consciousness slowly, aware of lean, strong
fingers stroking my cheeks gently. "Scully," he whispered.

"Already?" I murmured, still heavy with sleep. I wished I could have
frozen that moment in time, stretched it out, lay there for hours and
hours with Mulder touching me so gently like that.

"You can have a little longer, if you want. I don't mind," he said
softly, smiling as I fought to keep my eyes open.

It took all of my self-control to protest and struggle upright, rubbing
my eyes.
"No," I muttered, "it's okay."

I kicked back the covers, switching on the bedside light as I climbed
off the bed and went in search of my robe, pulling it around me
tightly, and placing my weapon on the arm of the armchair Mulder had
just vacated, sitting down heavily in the huge chair.

"I only need a few hours," Mulder said helpfully as he climbed into the
bed and switched off the light. "Only a few hours, and then you wake
me, okay?"

"Just get to sleep, Mulder," I said tiredly, smothering a yawn. I heard
him murmur an answer, the sheets rustling as he made himself more
comfortable, and after a few minutes he was asleep, his breathing
falling into a steady and regular pattern. I stood and began to pace
around the room, feeling as if I would fall asleep if I sat still for
too long. I was used to all-night stakeouts, but this had been such a
long, emotional day that I was exhausted. Nonetheless, I was on watch
and I couldn't let my guard down.

I stood by the window, peeking out through the curtains at the dimly
lit parking lot, and it was reassuring to see our rental car sitting
there, only a few feet away. Without it, I would have felt trapped,
without escape. The car at least offered a way of escape, a way to
freedom from pursuit. I was glad. I hated feeling trapped.

I shook my head, turning slowly and resting her back against the wall
as I took in the darkened room, the two double beds with only a few
feet between them, Mulder's lanky form in one, the three children in
the other. I sighed, moving closer to the second bed. Jacqueline was in
the middle, lying on her back, spreadeagled. Her left arm extended out,
her hand resting on Joshua's curly head as he lay asleep, balled up
with thumb in mouth. Astrid was on the other side, nestled against
Jacqueline. They looked so young, so innocent, that I was beginning to
wonder whether I'd just dreamt all we had discovered in the evening. I
sighed again and turned away, my fingers tightening around my weapon as
I returned to the window again, dropping down on a hard chair beside
it, so that I could watch both the room and the parking lot. My mind
drifted to Mulder - as it inevitably does - as I sat there in silence
and I contemplated our relationship. It was a question I could never
answer. Trying to analyse my feelings for him, his feelings for me,
what I wanted out of our relationship, what he wanted... it was a
challenge, a puzzle, and the more I thought about it, the less sense it
seemed to make. In many ways it was laughably simple - I loved him, and
he loved me. It was a relationship more powerful than I'd ever had, and
more certain. But it was complicated, soon as you dug deeper. There had
been so much pain and guilt and loss in our years together, so much
that kept us together. It was a relationship I would never be able to
escape, if I tried. We had become one. Breaking away from Mulder would
be an amputation, losing part of myself. That complicated things.
Working together, not wanting to lose the work partnership and the
x-files, that complicated things too. Nothing was worth sacrificing the
relationship we had now.

For almost an hour I sat, lost in thought, and then a sudden movement
startled me, bringing me back to reality with a jolt. Jacqueline was
sitting bolt upright in bed, gasping and choking.

I was at her side in a second, flicking on the light. My eyes ranged
over her quickly, my mind jumping rapidly from one possibility to
another. Poison? Allergic reaction? To what? "Jacqueline? What's
wrong?" 

Jacqueline pulled herself out of the bed, moving past her brother
awkwardly, and stood, swaying slightly, looking green. "I..." she
began, before she suddenly clamped her mouth shut.

I caught her arm and dragged her into the tiny motel bathroom,
switching on the light, just in time for her to vomit violently into
the toilet bowl. I wet a facewasher, handing it to her when she finally
stopped retching and slumped down on the bathroom tiles, shivering.

"You okay?" I asked softly.

Jacqueline closed her eyes tiredly, wincing, I guessed, at the terrible
taste in her mouth. "What happened to me?" she croaked.

"You threw up," I bit my lip. "Do you know why?"

Jacqueline shook her head. "I've never done that before." She paused
for a moment before adding, "I've never gotten sick before."

"Ever?" I felt my eyes widen.

"We don't get sick," Jacqueline said slowly. 

"Until now..." I frowned. "What's different now?"

Jacqueline snorted. "What's different now? Everything's different now.
Nothing's the same."

"I meant, what has changed that would affect you like this?" I
corrected patiently. I really wanted an answer. "Is there anything
specific about your change of environment... different food, maybe?"

Jacqueline stared at me. "I guess it must have been the pizza," she
said, unable to keep the interest from her voice. "But that doesn't
make sense. None of the ingredients have been known to cause problems
before..."

I frowned as I remembered something. "All the food which you brought
from your house were low in fat and sugar. Could that have something to
do with it?"

Jacqueline shrugged, brow furrowed in concentration. "Maybe."

"But, why aren't Joshua and Astrid reacting in the same way?" I
queried. "If they have the same intolerance you do to these things -"

Jacqueline cut me off, rubbing her arms through the flannel pajamas,
trying to stop herself shivering. "You don't understand. Josh and
Astrid and I are the same, but we're different - from different
batches, so to speak." She met my confused glance and gestured
impatiently. "Biologically, we're siblings, made from sperm and ova
donated by the same two people. But apart from that, we're completely
different. Every new batch was a 'new and improved' version of the
last. But there were always so many things that could go wrong...
things that 
did go wrong. We're the only successes out of dozens of attempts - with
sound bodies and minds." She spoke quickly, words almost tripping over
each other. She sounded impatient, tiredly frustrated, only slowing at
the end when she spoke the last four words. Sound bodies and minds. I
didn't like the sound of that at all.

"How could that be?" I asked, intrigued. "What made you three successes
when the others were failures?"

Once again, Jacqueline frowned in thought. "One time, when they were
drawing blood from me, they told me that my DNA was near-perfect. And
that they needed it to create other children to be like me."
She shook herself, pulling herself up off the floor. "I'm cold," she
muttered. She wandered back into the motel room, over to the window
where I'd been sitting, picking up my weapon, which I had forgotten in
my hurry, and swung it idly between her fingers. "You shouldn't leave
this out with the kids around," she murmured.

I joined her at the window, touching her arm hesitatingly.
"You were the only successful result at first?" I asked softly.

Jacqueline shook her head. "No, there were three of us at first, David,
Susan and I. But Susie died of heart failure when she was three, and
when he was four, David ... David went out of control. He ended up
killing himself by throwing himself against a wall again and again and
again... in front of me." She paused reflectively, then sighed. "They
tried again only a few months after David died, creating six children,
but none of them survived more than a few months. Experiments continued
that way for years - when one attempt failed, they would make a few
adjustments and then try again. But it seemed that with every new
batch, they were getting more and more off-target. Many of the foetuses
had birth defects, many died within hours of first breathing air. Some
of them were deformed..."

I was unable to help the shudder that ran through me, followed by a
familiar wave of dull grief at the thought of tiny babies brought into
the world as only a science experiment, dying. It seemed so unfair that
these people created children in the dozens - and if one child failed,
they just created another. Chance upon chance they had. And I had none,
no chance of ever having a child of my own. It was just so unfair, so
terribly unfair... 
I shook myself, pulling my robe closer around me, and gestured for
Jacqueline to continue.

"When I was nine, they decided that they needed to return to where
they'd begun - I was their first, and, at this time, only success. They
said I was just a fluke, but the fact remained that I was alive and
mentally stable, while all others had perished. They drew blood from
me, using the genetic coding to create two new children - twin boys,
Jack and Andrew. And, at first, they seemed to work out okay. But
somehow, their genes were unstable - maybe it was something that had
been altered in an attempt to eradicate my flaws - and they died when
they were only six months old. Astrid was next - there were six in her
batch, each of which had genetic code similar to my own, but altered
slightly to  produce, hopefully, a superior product. Three of the
children in this batch died near the end of the gestation period, a
fourth died soon after birth from untreatable anaemia. Only Astrid and
Laura remained, but they'd already detected flaws in Laura - mental
instability and deafness, among other things, and so they focused on
Astrid, which was fortunate, because Laura died six months later."

"She was the second success," I said slowly. I felt such jarring
emotions, fascination by the science of the project, repulsed by the
lack of humanity, callous disregard of human life.

Jacqueline nodded. "I was eleven at the time, but when she was only a
few days old, they put her in my care. I was taught how to feed her,
bathe her, change her... until she was of an age where she could begin
to learn, she was of little use to them." She sank down on the floor,
whispering, "She was so tiny. And she knew me - she'd look up at me and
she'd recognise me... she trusted me. And I love her as much as any
mother loves her child, and that's why I can't let you take her away.
Or my Joshua." Her tone became desperate and pleading and I felt such
terrible empathy for her. I didn't know what our chances were of
keeping these kids safe. We'd try, I knew we would, but we didn't
always win, even when we did push ourselves past the limits.
We'd lost Gibson, I kept reminding myself of that. And as determined as
I was that we would be careful, so deathly careful, about the safety of
these kids, I couldn't promise anything, even to myself.

I held her gaze for a moment. "Jacqueline, we don't want to split you
up. We're going to do everything in our power to ensure that you stay
with them, and that you're all safe."

"Everything in your power isn't enough," Jacqueline whispered,
resigned. "They're going to find us, sooner or later. We can't hide
forever."

I was silent for a moment as I bent down, patting Jacqueline's shoulder
reassuringly. She was right. We couldn't hide forever, waiting,
waiting, waiting to either be found or just wait forever. "We'll do
what we can," I whispered. That I could promise. I stood again. "You
should really try to get back to sleep," I suggested softly.

Jacqueline nodded, hesitatingly accepting my hand up. "Thanks, Dana,"
she said awkwardly.

I smiled in response, leaning back against the wall as Jacqueline made
her way back to the bed and wiggled in between her siblings. I went
over all Jacqueline had just told me in my mind, the complexity of what
Mulder and I had gotten themselves involved with growing. The Moss
children weren't just results of the experiment - Jacqueline was the
key to it. Without her, they didn't have the right DNA map.

I walked quietly across the room, finding my overnight bag in the semi
darkness and digging through it, trying to find my notebook. Instead,
my search turned up my diary, a small spiral-bound book. I flipped
through it, through pages and pages of the same neat writing - writing
which in no way reflected the turmoil within me while making the
entries. I returned to the window, making myself as comfortable as I
could be on the hard chair, my diary resting against my knees as I
began to write. Some times my words flowed smoothly, but today they
came with difficulty, jerkily, as I tried to express my feelings about
the case and our current situation, hiding like mice in a hole, not
knowing whether or not the cat lurked outside. 
Eventually, I closed the diary, hugging it tightly as I stared out the
window unhappily.

"Scully?"

I jumped as I felt his hand on my shoulder. "Mulder! You startled me."
I exhaled heavily in relief.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," he said softly, his hand moving to
caress my hair lightly. His attitude and actions were confusing me, to
say the least, and I was so very nearly asleep that I didn't know what
to make of it. "I woke up, so I thought I'd relieve you."

I uncurled myself, pulling myself to my feet and looked up at him
sleepily, clutching my diary. "Yeah, thanks," I murmured, glancing at
my watch. Mulder had gotten just over three and a half hours sleep.
That wasn't enough for anybody, really... but if he was volunteering...

"You get a few hours, okay?" Mulder smiled.

I nodded, returning my diary to my overnight bag before crawling into
the bed. "I had a talk with Jacqueline," I murmured, relishing the soft
warmth of the bed and the way the sheets smelt pleasantly like Mulder.
It reminded me of those rare occasions when he'd held me, and I'd been
comforted by his strong, protective arms around me, the shared warmth.
What was stopping me? I wondered sleepily. Why was I denying myself
that? 

"We'll talk about it tomorrow," was Mulder's answer, and I nodded
sleepily, already half asleep. Tomorrow. I'll do something about that,
tomorrow.


It was just past seven a.m. when I woke up, finding light pouring
through the window. Pulling myself upright and blinking a little, I
stared across the room at where the three kids were sitting, all fully
dressed and wide awake on the floor in a circle, playing Memory with
dozens of cards.
I slid out from between the covers, picking up my robe from where I'd
dropped it on the floor beside the bed, and pulling it on tightly as I
moved across to crouch down beside them on the floor, running my hands
over my hair to smooth it down a little.

"Morning," I said softly, watching as Joshua found three pairs of cards
consecutively.

To my shock, Astrid flung her arms around my neck, making me lose my
balance and almost fall sideways. "Dana!!" She was full of energy and
affection. It was amazing.

I felt a grin spreading across my face as I pulled Astrid into a brief
hug before releasing her. How wonderful it felt to receive such a show
of affection. "How long have you lot been awake?"

"Since six," Jacqueline said briefly, but I could have sworn that her
answer was not as sullen and short like the day before, slightly more
friendly and open, more trusting. Friendship? "We always get up early."

I nodded, licking my lips and glancing around. "Where'd Mulder go?"

"Mulder?" Jacqueline queried, a faint mischievous smile lighting up her
expression. "I think you mean Fox."

I stared at her, confused by the game Jacqueline seemed to be playing
with me. I drew a deep breath, then conceded, "Uh, yeah... Fox." The
word sounded strange coming from me and I smiled hesitantly at
Jacqueline.

She nodded, smiling. "He just drove down the road to the gas station to
fill up the tank - just in case. He should be back soon."

I nodded. "I'd better wait until he gets back to have a shower," I
murmured, more to myself than the others, adding more audibly, "We
shouldn't leave you three alone. It's too risky."

"Actually..." Jacqueline shrugged apologetically. "Fox gave me your
weapon before he left... I know how to use firearms, and he thought it
would be okay, instead of waking you up."

My eyebrows rose. "Really?"

"One of the guys at the compound used to teach me how to shoot..." was
Jacqueline's half-attentive answer as she packed away the Memory cards
with the help of Astrid and Joshua.

"Sounds like you were taught a lot," I said dryly. I wasn't very happy
about that, I don't think. Maybe I felt jealous because Mulder had
trusted our safety to Jacqueline, I don't know. I pulled myself upright
as he came through the door, grinning cheerfully.

"Morning Scully," he said lightly, flashing me a smile. I wondered why
he was so exuberant, but didn't question him on it.

"You're looking good for someone who got about three hours of sleep," I
remarked, feeling so energetic. His exuberance, like Astrid's
cheerfulness, was infectious. I smiled at him playfully.

"Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful," Mulder retorted teasingly.

"I wouldn't hate you if you were," I smiled. Although I tried hard not
to show it, I loved it when we played our little games like this. 

"Sorry to interrupt the flirting," Jacqueline remarked dryly, "but
would we be able to get some breakfast?"

I glanced sharply at Mulder. He was grinning sheepishly, and gave me a
quick, 'what do you know?' shrug before answering Jacqueline. "Yeah,
soon."

She laughed, but didn't repond, instead producing a hardcover story
book, Enid Blyton's 'The Faraway Tree'. Her siblings wiggled up on
either side of her as she opened the book and began to read to them in
a quiet, clear voice.

"Well..." I began, bringing my gaze back to Mulder and licking my lips
nervously, aware that Mulder's gaze on me was ...strange, to say the
least. I have to admit, his teasing had been more heavyhanded than
usual. His innuendos had never been so blunt before. I wondered if he
was trying to tell me something and I was just afraid to listen to him
long enough to find out what. But why was I so afraid? Why was taking
another step so difficult when there was no doubt we both wanted it?

Mulder raised his eyebrows in response, rocking back and forth on his
heels. "You know, married couples can still flirt with each other..."
he hazarded finally, hesitatingly offering a grin. I'd read somewhere
that this sort of flirting was sometimes an attempt to gauge a woman's
feelings... something men were usually too scared to just ask...

"We're not married, Mulder," came my automatic response. I realised too
late the opportunity that reply opened up for him.

"So you're not denying the flirting?" Mulder grinned, narrowing his
eyes slyly.

"I'm not going to even dignify that with a response," I said coolly,
crossing my arms defiantly, trying to hide the fact that my heart was
beating wildly. Mulder and I had never flirted - yes, I had to face it
- as openly as this before and it was diisconcerting. Disconcerting, but
pleasant.

"You're flirting with me right now," Mulder grinned.

"I am not!" I protested indignantly, knowing I was grinning just as
widely. I couldn't help it. 

"Face it, Scully," Mulder's voice dropped to a low, seductive tone and
he caught me around the waist, pulling me close against him. "You want
me."

"In your dreams," I retorted coolly as I pulled away from him, unable
to stop the small smile creeping into my eyes. This was outrageous, but
I hadn't felt so alive for quite a while. What was it about the
situation that was giving Mulder such confidence?

I guess maybe Mulder noticed the lively spark in my eyes, because he
drew me close against him again, this time more slowly and gently, his
eyes locked with my own, a curious smile on his lips.

I cleared my throat uncomfortably, aware of his sudden change of
attitude and feeling a little freaked out by it. He'd been teasing me
so heavyhandedly, and now he was so serious... "What?" I whispered.

Mulder shook his head slowly, reaching to brush away some something
from my left eye. "You had a little..." he motioned, slowly releasing
me from his grasp. I nodded, taking a step back, my skin tingling
oddly.

"I guess I'll have a shower now. You want to organize some breakfast?"
I smiled at him uncertainly, and Mulder nodded quickly, flashing me a
brief smile. We held each other's gazes for a moment, both nodding,
then I moved off, gathering my things before disappearing into the
bathroom. What *had* he gauged of my feelings?


       - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- JACQUELINE POV -

Sitting on the floor, with my back against the foot of the bed, I
smiled at what I overheard of the conversation. Real people had always
fascinated me, because I rarely met them. I had certainly known enough
doctors and scientists and psychologists in my life, but they weren't
what I classified as 'real' people - they were dry and emotionless,
their relationships with each other purely professional. Even Roger and
Cate had had an emotionless, affectionless relationship - but these two
agents, in comparison, had a relationship which was a feast of
emotions. It was incredible to see the way they both showed their
feelings so openly, so honestly - and yet, denied to each other what
was so obvious to me.
I passed the book to Astrid and wiggled out from between them. "It's
your turn to read, Astrid. I'm just going to have a talk with Fox,
okay?"

Astrid nodded, pulling the heavy book into her lap and pulling Joshua
closer to her, then continuing to read rapidly, with clear
pronounciation.

I approached Fox, who was sorting through the grocery bag I'd thrown
some cereal boxes and plastic breakfast bowls and cutlery into.
"They like the Wheat Rings best," I commented helpfully. "But I don't
know if they'd eat them without milk."

Fox looked up. "I guess I could run down to the store and get some," he
said vaguely, his mind clearly elsewhere. I knew where, too. You didn't
have to be a genius to figure that one out.

I shook my head dismissively. "They'll cope." I paused a moment before
adding casually, "You and Dana really love each other, huh?"

Fox looked at me and blinked. "What?" he managed to asked after a
moment, feigning ignorance.

I smiled to myself, pleased with the result of my little experiment.
"Thought so."

Fox looked at me with a puzzled frown. "Did she tell you that?"

"She didn't have to," I answered ambiguously. I smiled at him, my
eyebrows raised explicitly, then grabbed the breakfast things, taking
them over to the small table in the corner of the room.


       - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- SCULLY POV - 

I'd considered dressing casual, but then decided against it. If we were
found, chased or caught, I at least wanted to look and feel
authoritative. It would also hopefully remind Mulder that we were on
the job, that any unprofessional behaviour on our behalfs would be...
unprofessional. I didn't think I'd have much chance, though, given that
this morning he'd been dressed in jeans and a v-neck sweater. 
Maybe that was the reason I'd let myself flirt with him this morning.
There was something about Mulder in casual clothes that really
attracted me, a comfortableness. This Mulder belonged at my kitchen
table on a Saturday morning, barefoot and relaxed, reading the paper. 
I exited the bathroom, dressed in my black pantsuit with a small blue
t-shirt and towelling my hair dry, to find Mulder standing by the
window, drumming his fingers impatiently, and the three kids sitting at
the table, Joshua and Astrid talking animatedly as they ate their dry
cereal, Jacqueline watching them indulgently, her own already finished.

"Everything okay?" I asked as I approached Mulder, noting his pensive
expression.

He jumped. "Uh... yeah, fine," he said vaguely. "The kids are having
breakfast."

"Yeah, I noticed," I remarked with an ironic smile. "What about you?
Are you having anything to eat?"

"Mmh? Oh, I don't have breakfast." Once more he was vague, and I was
becoming more and more curious, if not concerned.

"Are you all right, Mulder?" I queried.

Mulder turned to look at me. "Yeah, I'm fine," he said dismissively.

I frowned, disbelievingly, and leant against the wall, running the wet
towel through my fingers. "Mulder..." I hesitated. "What are our
...longer term plans?"

Mulder was silent for a moment, chewing his lower lip thoughtfully.
"We've got to try and find protection for these kids, find who's
responsible for the murders."

I sighed, my gaze dropping to the floor, brow furrowed. When I looked
up again, my eyes were troubled. "Mulder, how can we ensure the kids'
safety? The people looking for them - and us - aren't going to give up
quickly. They need at least one of these kids to continue the
experiments, and -"

"Offer them a deal," Jacqueline interrupted.

Mulder and I glanced sharply across at her, surprised, believing we'd
been talking too quietly for her to hear. "A trade," Jacqueline
continued, her tone still strong and determined, though her face was
white. "I'll go back to them, if they'll let Astrid and Joshua stay
free."

Astrid was quicker than Mulder or I to respond and jumped out of her
chair, throwing herself against her sister and hugging her tightly. 
"No, Duckie!" she cried fiercely. "No! No! No!" 
Joshua, only beginning to understand the implications, began to cry.

I went forward, picking up the toddler and hugging him close to me as
he cried, his face buried against my shoulder, his sobs muffled. He was
too distraught to be wary of me any longer and I revelled in it. 
Mulder stood still, his eyes locked with Jacqueline's, hers determined
but quavering. 

"Jacqueline," he said finally, softly, "You don't have to do that."

"I have to," Jacqueline said resignedly, deaf to Astrid's pleadings.
"If you put us in protective custody or under the witness protection
program or whatever... they'll find us. They will. This is the only way
that we - that they can be safe."

I rocked back on forth on my heels to soothe Joshua, stroking his curly
head tenderly. I caught Jacqueline's gaze half-guiltily but held it for
a moment, shaking my head slowly, biting my lip.
"Jacqueline, there is another way," I said quietly, "There has to be.
We can't just give up."

"We can't just wait around either!" Jacqueline protested, anguished. "I
won't just wait around to be caught."

Mulder and I exchanged a long glance, and I lowered Joshua slowly to
the ground, finding a clean tissue I'd tucked in my pocket only two
minutes ago and wiping his runny nose. Joshua was silent, looking at me
with large, solemn eyes, shining with an intelligence that seemed alien
in a two-year-old face.
"Don't let my Duckie go away," he whispered pleadingly to me.

I forced a smile, his desperate unhappiness hurting me. "Sweetie, we're
going to do everything that we can to make sure you and Astrid and
Jacqueline get to stay together, okay?" 
My tone seemed reassuring enough for Joshua, who nodded.

Jacqueline, meanwhile, had managed to prise Astrid away, brushing her
hair away from her face briskly. "You go and play with Josh and Dana,
okay Astrid?" she instructed, her voice faltering slightly.

One hand resting on Joshua's head, I held out the other to Astrid,
smiling sadly when she flew at me, wrapping her arms around my waist
and hugging her tightly.
"Hey, hey, I need to breathe, you know," I scolded playfully, my
spirits lifting as I touseled Astrid's hair. Joshua made a dash for the
small toy pile and Astrid, after giving me one last quick squeeze,
bounded after him. 
I glanced back a moment at Mulder and Jacqueline - he was now sitting
opposite her at the table, and the expression he wore was one I
recognised painfully - the same expression he'd worn when I'd been sick
and told him to pin Ostlehoff's murder on me, to save him from
prosecution. It was the look that said 'I can't do that. I won't do
that.' It was a heartbreaking look. My spirits sank again.

I sighed heavily and turned away quickly, joining Astrid and Joshua on
the floor where they were piecing together a 3-dimensional wooden
puzzle quickly and assuredly.
"That looks like a hard puzzle," I commented with another false, bright
smile as I dropped down on the floor, tucking my feet under me.

Joshua shook his head, not even looking up. "It's easy."

"Yeah, Josh can do it all by himself," Astrid added, grinning up at me
and wiggling closer to me so that she was half sitting on my lap.

"Oh, I see," I nodded, reaching down to brush Astrid's curls with my
hand. "Can I help?"

Astrid nodded eagerly and I smiled. I turned to Joshua, asking
hesitantly, "Can I help, Joshua?"

Joshua looked up with a frown, glancing across at Astrid uncertainly
before nodding. I smiled reassuringly at him, then turned toward the
puzzle and began to help fit the pieces together, straining to listen
to Mulder and Jacqueline's conversation as I worked. There wasn't,
however, much to listen to - Jacqueline seemed set on the idea of
giving herself up to ensure her sibling's freedom, and nothing Mulder
said seemed to sway her. I realised with a shock that she was sounding
a lot like me, and I felt almost jealous of her because of that,
because Mulder was looking at her with such compassion and tenderness.
He usually reserved that only for me..

A series of sharp, shrill beeps shattered the cloud of thought I'd
drifted off to and I recognised it immediately. A cel phone. Mine.
The room fell silent, Astrid and Josha freezing and staring up at me,
wide-eyed.
"It's mine," I said unsteadily, shifting Astrid off my lap, pulling
myself upright and digging my shrilly ringing cellular out of my coat
pocket.
"Do I answer it?" I held it up, biting my lip as I looked across at
Mulder. "They might be able to trace the call."

Mulder licked his lips thoughtfully, tapping his fingers on the
tabletop. "Answer it," he said finally, nodding.

I answered the call, clearing my throat and saying nervously, "Scully."

Four pairs of eyes were fastened on me, watching as me listened, and
letting out one big sigh of relief when my expression relaxed and I
said shakily, "Oh... hi Mom."

Astrid and Joshua turned back to their puzzle and Mulder and Jacqueline
sunk back in their seats in relief as I went out through the door and
paced the strip of grass beside the parking lot, answering my mom's
questions and trying to hide my agitation. I finally hung up and
returned to the motel room, closing the door and leaning against it,
eyes closed, trying to shrug off the feeling of guilt. I hated lying to
Mom.

"What ...?" Mulder prompted anxiously.

I laughed shakily. "Just Mom being her usual self," I reported. 

Mulder nodded. "She didn't ask where you were?"

"I told her I was on a case." I smiled grimly. "And that I didn't know
when I'd be getting back home."

Mulder grimaced sympathetically. "Hopefully sooner than later," he said
quietly. 

I nodded in response, holding Mulder's gaze unhappily for a moment
before returning to where Joshua and Astrid sat on the floor, dropping
dejectedly down with them and giving another false, cheerful smile.


       - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- MULDER POV - 

The day began to drag on. Astrid and Joshua started to become bored,
having played with all their toys and done all their puzzles.
Jacqueline tried to keep them occupied, but after a while even she
herself gave up and sat down with a book on advanced genetics. Scully
and I toyed with theories, planned, paced around the room impatiently,
beginning to feel more and more caged in. As the day finally drew to a
close, I jumped up and announced to my frustrated partner and the
listless kids, "Let's go find ourselves some dinner." 
I was dying to get outside, stretch my legs, breathe in fresh air.

Ten minutes later and all rugged up, the five of us were outside in the
brisk wind, walking down the road to the diner I'd noticed earlier.
The freedom gave Astrid and Joshua renewed energy and they danced
around Jacqueline as she walked beside Scully and I as we still tossed
around ideas.

The diner was small and somewhat old-fashioned, but the coffee, as I
discovered as I sat squeezed into the booth next to Scully, the three
kids opposite, was strong and rich. Scully clearly thought the same - I
watched her as she sipped it slowly, letting out a small sigh of
pleasure as it warmed her up. Sipping my own, twisted slightly in the
booth to watch her, I smiled. From across the table, Jacqueline,
fussing over Joshua to watch he didn't spill his orange juice, watched
us out of the corner of her eye. Scully didn't notice, but I did. But I
didn't really mind. The way Jacqueline was grinning to herself, I'm
guessing she thought we were pretty damn cute.

After the main meal the five of us sat eating a large plateful of
fries. Joshua and Astrid were playing some sort of baby game with
Jacqueline, getting her to feed the fries into their open mouths.
Scully and I watched the game with indulgent smiles, and as we rose to
leave, I picked the last fry and held it in front of Scully's mouth,
offering. I couldn't resist. Scully laughed, shook her head in protest,
but then relented, letting me feed it to her, my fingertips brushing
her lips. I smiled, wrapping my arm around her waist playfully.  
"See, wasn't that bad," I teased.

Scully pressed her lips against my ear. "Mulder, we're in public," she
warned.

I cupped her cheek and pulled her to face me, pressing my forehead
against hers. "Scully, we're married," I reminded her in a whisper,
smiling, for a moment almost allowing myself to pretend this was real.
I leaned to give her a light kiss on the lips, all in the spirit of the
moment, of course, but Scully pulled away and my lips ended up on her
cheek. Maybe that was better, anyway. Play it safe... But, damnit, I
didn't want to.

Scully looked at me sharply, reaching to prise my arm off her waist,
but I caught her hand and brought it to my lips, smiling slyly.
"Laura, honey..." I murmured, bowing my head and looking up at her with
a slight pout.	

She smiled brightly, her expression was very easy to read. "Rob,
darling... no." 

"Hey, c'mon..." I wheedled, ignoring the protest. 

"Mulder..."

"Little kiss."

She shrugged, frustrated. "Fine." She grabbed the back of my neck,
tugging my face to hers, and kissed me. Stunning me with the action,
she'd pulled away before I could even process it, and I saw uncertainty
on her face. Only a quick peck, but still the first real contact of
that sort. Had that been a mistake? We both wanted to move ahead but
our efforts were fumbling. We simply didn't know how. This relationship
didn't adhere to the usual rules. 

"Scully..."

She smiled tightly. "Forget it."

I nodded, drawing a breath. A payphone over against the wall caught my
eye and I gesture to it. "I'm going to check in with the gunmen, while
we're here."

She nodded, obviously relieved by the distraction. "We'll wait."


       - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- SCULLY POV -

I was fully aware of Jacqueline's curious glances as we waited near the
door, but I ignored them, just as I ignored the embarrassment of the
scene in the diner. I'd almost kissed him properly, but panic had cut
in and I'd chickened out.
I drew a deep breath, not really believing what had just happened. I
felt like I was only holding myself back by a thread and I chided
myself for letting myself get so overrun by my emotions. We were being
so unbelieveably unprofessional, so unethical. We weren't two horny
teenagers on a date, we were responsible adults, and we were on the
job. Why after all these years was it suddenly so difficult to keep
myself under control?

I jumped when I felt a hand on my shoulder, and turned to face Mulder,
drawing a deep breath. "Well?"

Mulder raised his eyebrows enigmatically. He glanced around, then
pushed me forward gently. "Let's walk and talk." 

We all quickly pulled on our coats, then Mulder pushed the door open
and we all stepped out into the cold wind. 

"Up, Duckie!" Joshua cried immediately, tugging at Jacqueline's sleeve.
She bent down and he clambered up onto her back, his arms gripping
around her neck tightly as she stood again, seemingly unaffected by the
weight of the toddler.

Astrid frowned when she saw the special treatment her brother was
recieving and followed his example, tugging at her sister's sleeve and
demanding to be picked up. "I can't, Astrid," was Jacqueline's gentle
response, "I can only give one of you a piggyback ride at a time."

Astrid's frown deepened. "But you always used to give me piggybacks,
Duckie!" she pointed out. "'Sides, Josh can walk by himself!"

"So can you," Jacqueline pointed out with a barely restrained smile.
Mulder and I continued to trudge along the streetlight-lit footpath
with bemused smiles as Astrid danced around Jacqueline, alternatively
cajoling and pouting.

"I think there's only one solution to this problem," Mulder announced,
the first he'd spoken since we'd left the diner. He caught Astrid by
the arm as she skipped past him and lifted her high off the ground,
holding her under her arms like a squiming baby. "You want a piggyback
ride?" he inquired innocently.

Astrid nodded, lips set determinedly, and Mulder let her down to the
ground, crouching down so that she could climb up his back and sit on
his shoulders, her hands gripping around his forehead tightly. Mulder
mock-groaned as he stood up again, gripping the child's jeans-clad legs
tightly. "I said back, not neck," he scolded.

"I'm taller than you, Fox!" Astrid shrieked. "I'm the tallest person in
the whole wide world!"

"You hold on tight up there, 'kay?" he called upwards. He was answered
with a giggle. After another minute's wait as Joshua climbed up to
Jacqueline's shoulders, grabbing large clumps of her hair and using
them as reigns, they picked up their pace again, Astrid and Joshua
squealing at each other over our heads.

"Kids," Mulder said in mock-disgust, even as he grinned. 

I felt myself shaking with silent laughter. "Mulder, this is an x-file
in itself," I said wryly. I rolled my eyes and bit down more laughter.
"Is this the sort of parent you'd be?"

"What's wrong with being this sort of parent?" Mulder challenged,
stopping to turn around in a few quick circles, making Astrid shriek
happily, as though to prove his point.

I smiled, opening my mouth to retort, but instead closing it and
staring at him. He was right. What was wrong with it? "There's nothing
wrong with it," I said, shaking my head slowly, amazed by the
realisation. I could hear the wonder in my own voice as I added softly,
"It's perfect." It was more than perfect, it was beautiful. I wanted
this. I wanted it so badly.

We both slowed to a stop, evoking cries of protest from Astrid, which
neither of us more than barely registered. "Really?" Mulder asked
quietly. He was staring at me intently.

I drew a deep breath, nodding. "Yeah," I admitted. I licked my lips,
unable to draw my fascinated gaze from Mulder's face. This was
incredible. How come I'd never seen Mulder as a father before? Even
with Emily, although I'd contemplated the thought, I'd never really
pictured it. He was great with kids. How come I hadn't seen that
before?It was -

"Come on, lovebirds," Jacqueline called impatiently, hiding a smile.

Mulder and I broke the gaze and stared at Jacqueline. Were we really
that obvious, or could she just see these things..?
Astrid, not as intrigued by the situation as her sister was, pulled
Mulder's hair. "Go horsie," she demanded.

It wasn't until they reached the motel room door that I realised, "You
didn't tell me what the gunmen said."

Mulder unlocked the door and pushed it open, then took a step back when
he realised he couldn't fit through the door. "Time to get down," he
announced to Astrid, bending down so she could slide off. Once her feet
were on the ground, she flung her arms around Mulder's neck and gave
him an affectionate thank you kiss on the nose before running inside
after Jacqueline and Joshua. I watched the whole scene with a
bittersweet, reflective smile, leaning against the bricked outside wall
of the motel. I wondered what Mulder was thinking. Was he as unhappy
that he was missing out on fatherhood as I was sometimes that I was
missing out on motherhood? From the expression on his face I was really
starting to think I'd underestimated him.

"Quite a night," he commented, pulling the door closed to quieten the
playful shrieks from within and leaning against it.

I nodded slowly. "Yeah. Everything's different when you have kids." I
smiled, then felt flustered. "I didn't mean... you know, I just meant
being with kids... being responsible for them."

Mulder smiled. "Yeah. It changes everything."

We both nodded, thoughtful, then I frowned. "Mulder... everything?"
I didn't want everything to change. There were some things I couldn't
bear changed or lost.

Mulder bit his lip, looking down at the ground pensively. "Maybe... not
everything," he conceded. He looked up, reaching up to stroke my cheek
briefly, his mouth working as if he wanted to say something. But he
pulled away, reaching to open the door and step inside the motel room
without even looking back.

I leaned back against the brick for a moment with my eyes closed,
exhaling loudly, feeling so terribly disappointed, then I pulled myself
upright again, following him into the room and pulling the door shut
after myself automatically. 
"Mulder, you still haven't -"

"-Told you what Frohike told me," Mulder interrupted, his back to me as
he fiddled with the TV. "Yeah, I know. " I could see him draw a deep
breath before he turned to face me. "They're covering it up, Scully."

"Who are?" I took a step closer to him out of habit but then stopped
myself from taking another, somehow afraid that he would take a step
back. I hoped desperately I hadn't scared him off with that kiss in the
diner earlier. Wait, no, I won't call it a kiss, because it wasn't
really. And I don't even know why I did it, even now. Something just
came over me, something that gave me enough courage to do that. I just
prayed desperately that it wasn't something I was going to regret.

"Everyone," Mulder said dismissively. "There is no longer any record of
this crime being committed - or of the Genesis Project and employees.
Frohike contacted the MacFarlane Corporation and they denied the
existence of anything called the Genesis Project, as well as employing
Cate and Roger Moss. All the paperwork on the case has disappeared -
the case has been taken out of the hands of the local PD and the story
is apparently that the Moss' were diplomats and the enquiry into their
deaths would be handled by a higher authority."

Diplomats? Yeah, right. I crossed my arms. "So they're just... burying
it." I was silent for a moment, contemplating. "Where does that leave
us?"

Mulder shook his head slowly. "I don't think the game is over yet,
Scully. I think they've gotten the formal investigation dropped so that
they can go about their merry business with us and the kids without the
cops getting in the way."

I licked my lips again. They were dry and salty from the fries earlier.

"So our worst case scenario is that they catch us... and then what?
They kill the kids? That's not hard, we know they have no moral
dilemmas when it comes to that. These kids don't exist according to
state records. The only people who know about them are the people
working on the Genesis Project and... us." I shivered despite myself
and continued with more anger, "And hell, they might as well just kill
us off too, maybe make it look like an accident or an alien abduction
or something. I doubt anybody would be particularly shocked if we never
came back from a case. Nobody cares about our work anyway." I threw my
hands up in despair then shook myself, turning away. "I'm going to call
it a night, Mulder. You're on first watch." 

I felt tired, just rotten and tired and angry, and I wanted nothing
more than to curl up under the covers and hide from the world. But
Mulder reached out to catch my shoulder and I stopped still. He swung
me around slowly to face him, putting his other hand on my shoulder so
that he was holding me firmly in front of him. I swallowed, then closed
my eyes with a tired sigh. "I'm sorry, Mulder, that was unfair."

"Don't stress out on me, okay Scully?" Mulder asked earnestly, his
thumbs rubbing gently against my shoulders. "I need you to keep me
sane, just like always."

I opened my eyes and lifted my head slowly to look at him, nodding and
biting my lip. I turned away without a word, slipping out of his grip
and moving toward the bathroom, past Jacqueline, who had been dressing
the two children in their pajamas and, I think, secretly watching us.


       - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- MULDER POV - 

Joshua and Astrid bounded around the room as they waited for the
bathroom to be free, playing some game which seemed to me, as I half
watched, to have something to do with dogs. I shook my head, returning
my attention to the TV, flicking channels until I found a news program.
It seemed strange to recognise programs while virtually everything
around me was unfamiliar. It was as though Scully and I had found
ourselves in a different world - the world of parenthood, I reflected
wryly. 
I smiled when I thought about how alive I'd felt tonight, and was still
grinning when I looked up to find Scully standing in front of me,
blocking the TV. 

"You gonna watch that all night?" she shot out the question, and I was
surprised. I should have realised the directness of it was out of
tiredness more than anything else. She looked pretty exhausted. I guess
that being caged in all day like we had been was a strain on her
nerves. It was a bit of a strain on mine.

"No, sorry. I'll turn it off if you want to get some sleep." I
half-stood as I rambled out my apology, but Scully just shook her head,
pushing me back down on the edge of the bed. "S'okay, just don't turn
it up too loud."

My gaze followed her as she crossed behind me and pulled back the
covers of the bed, undoing the tie of her robe and dropping it to the
ground. My eyes ranged over her silk clad body appreciatively, and it
wasn't until I reached her face that I realised that she was staring at
me. Oops.
"What?" she frowned.

I let a small smile creep across my face. "Everything's fine, Scully.
You get some sleep, I'll make sure the kids are quiet."

She nodded, yawning as she reached to turn off the bedside lamp,
leaving our half of the room in darkness and the other half in
yellowish light.

I wiggled closer off the edge of the bed as I realised how
disconcertingly close Scully's form was in the bed to me as I sat on
the edge of the end. "Um, Scully, do you want me to move the TV so I'm
not sitting on the bed? It's just... you know, if it's in your way..."

"Forget it, Mulder, it's fine," came the muffled, sleepy response. "I
sleep curled up most of the time anyway."

"Yeah, I've noticed that," I observed, grinning, wondering if she'd
kick me for it.

Scully pulled herself upright enough to look at me, puzzled but
challengingly. "You make a habit of watching me sleep, do you?" she
asked with a raised eyebrow.

I shrugged, feeling almost shy, and was about to mutter a response when
a form came flying out from the bathroom and landing on the bed.
Scully groaned, burrowing under the covers. "It's my bedtime, and it's
your bedtime too, Astrid," she muttered. "We can play some games
tomorrow, 'k?"

I grabbed the four year old and tickled her. "Come on, little miss,
Dana's trying to sleep." It was funny - that nickname just came out.
That was what my dad used to call Sam.
I pulled Astrid off the bed and half onto my lap, where she at least
wouldn't disturb Scully.

"I don't want to sleep, Fox," Astrid informed me, slipping out of my
grip and giving my hair a small tug before dashing off again.

"What are you kids, hyperactive or something?" I asked incredulously as
I watched the two of them racing around the room, doing somersaults on
the empty bed, but lucky - for them - avoiding Scully's. I wished that
we had a bigger motel room - somewhere with more room for them to run
around than a small, cramped space which was surely not designed to fit
five people, two of which were acting haywire tonight... 
Astrid ran past me, Joshua on her heels, and with a sudden sense of
their recklessness, I grabbed Joshua by the collar of his pajama shirt,
bringing him to a halt.  But Joshua had just grabbed on to his sister,
and his sudden, jerking stop sent her flying forward and hitting a
small reading lamp which sat unused in the corner of the room, its
powercord wound around it's base. 


       - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- SCULLY POV -

The sound of glass shattering jerked me back from the verge of sleep.
I sat up, startled. Astrid was lying in a pile of broken glass and
twisted metal, staring at Jacqueline, who came running from the
bathroom, with dazed eyes, drawing a choked, wheezing breath. I fumbled
to switch on the bedside light, at the same time scrambling to get out
of bed. I was tangled in the sheets and I almost tumbled out, somehow
managing to right myself. I reached Astrid at the same time as
Jacqueline, and bent down to examine her. 
She was lying still, whimpering softly, still looking at us with those
dazed eyes, that look of pain and fear and confusion I'd seen too many
times in the eyes of injured children.
"Astrid, Astrid," I called urgently, "Can you hear me? It's Dana."

Her lower lip trembled and her eyes seemed to focus a little. Then she
began to cry, not screaming in pain like I'd seen little kids with bad
injuries do in the past, but just cry, like somebody had taken her
favorite teddy bear away or she'd grazed her knee.
Jacqueline reached out, trying to pull Astrid up into her lap, but I
put a hand on her arm to stop her. "No, you can't move her in case she
has internal injuries. She hit the wall hard."

"She'll be fine," Jacqueline said, calmly if not even exasperatedly,
still trying to pull her still-crying sister toward her.

"We need to call 911," I argued, pulling as much debris as I could out
of the way and checking for any broken limbs, expecting at any time to
hear a wail of pain and getting none.

"You don't understand," Jacqueline said with growing frustration. She
pushed Joshua away from behind her, then continued, "She'll be fine.
She just needs to sit upright and calm down."

"She may have internal injuries!" I half-shouted. This was so damn
frustrating. I felt Astrid's pulse then turned. "Mulder, damnit, call
911."

Mulder pulled out his cel phone, then hesitated. "Scully, we can't take
her to a hospital. It's not secure enough. They draw blood tests and
we've got no hope of staying hidden."

I half rose, staring at him, feeling utter despair. "Then Mulder, what
can we do?"

"We can start by getting all these shards of glass out, that's what,"
Jacqueline interrupted. I turned back to find Astrid standing upright,
her back to Jacqueline as she tried to pull out all the tiny shards of
glass which had embedded themselves in Astrid's pajamas and through to
the skin. 

I stared in amazement for a moment, biting down another protest, and
watched as Jacqueline brushed small pieces of glass from her sister's
hair, and then a larger piece from the side of her neck, where it had
left a small trail of blood. Then I jumped when I saw the wound close
up, leaving only the already drying blood.

"Oh my God," I murmured disbelievingly. I turned to Mulder, who was
watching with shining eyes. "Mulder, did you see that?" I whispered,
awed. I shook my head as I returned my gaze to Astrid, whose sniffles
had stopped and animation was returning. She was jumping about
impatiently as Jacqueline eased off the now torn and stained pajama
top, exposing Astrid's back with a collection of already healing cuts,
only a few small droplets of shed blood. 

"This is unbelieveable," I murmured, shaking my head. "It's... it's
scientifically impossible." I turned to Jacqueline. "I thought that -"
I just shook my head, pulling myself to my feet and turning to Mulder,
who had Joshua clinging to his leg. 

"Joshua, I think it's time you get into bed, young man," I told him,
needing to do something. I prised him off Mulder's leg and picked him
up, balancing him on my hip as I automatically went into Aunty-Dana
mode.

"Astrid's going to be okay?" he whimpered, looking up at me
imploringly.

"Yeah, she's going to be fine," I assured him with a smile, adding
"You're a tough bunch, you are."

"We're the tough trio," he assured me solemnly as I dropped him down
onto the bed and pulled back the covers for him. He wiggled in and
looked at me warily. "Is Duckie going to come say goodnight?"

I nodded slowly, flashing him the reassuring smile once more.
"Yes, sweetie, Duckie's going to say goodnight in a little while. She's
just got to get Astrid a bit cleaned up first, okay?"

Joshua nodded, pulling the covers right up around his neck and closing
his eyes. I watched him for a moment before retreating, feeling there
was still some barrier of distrust and wariness the small boy had put
up. Astrid was an openly affectionate child, and Jacqueline, yesterday
so sullen, angry and scared, had been so different today, more
accepting and friendly, for reasons I couldn't see or understand. 
But Joshua was still a mystery to me, the little boy with the short
curly brown hair and enormous grey-green eyes which seemed wise beyond
his years.

I returned to my bed, sitting cross legged-bedside Mulder. We were both
silent for a few moments as we watched Jacqueline pulling a fleecy
sweater down over Astrid's now healed torso and then brush her sister's
hair gently, despite Astrid's squirms and obvious dislike at the task. 
"That's so incredible," I murmured. "Mulder, the speed with which..." I
broken off, shaking my head in disbelief. 

"It is pretty incredible," Mulder agreed softly, reaching out to finger
the silk of my pajamas absently. I noticed the gesture curiously, but
said nothing. I was in no great hurry to point it out to him if he
didn't realise what he was doing. And if he did realise what he was
doing... well, did I really want him to stop? I didn't know. 
We watched again as Jacqueline tucked Astrid into bed, breaking the
silence only when she approached us hesitantly.

I licked my lips. "How -" I stopped, shaking my head. "How could that
have happened?"

Jacqueline let out a deep breath. "They altered some of the cells that
control skin and flesh cell behavior - speeding up the healing process
from days or weeks or even months to -"

"To seconds," I finished, shaking my head in disbelief. It still
sounded impossible, completely impossible...

Jacqueline nodded. "Both Astrid and Joshua are like that."

"Not you?" Mulder queried.

She shook her head. "No, with me they didn't tamper with everything as
much. Their main objective was to simply to construct a human being out
of genetic materials using totally artificial methods. The
experimentation for a superior human being only began later." She
flashed us a brief smile. "I'm going to bed now, if that's okay."

I nodded, frowning as I contemplated something. As she started to move
away I said softly, "Jacqueline?"

"Yeah?" The girl turned slowly and looked at me attentively.

I bit my lip. "I'm sorry I yelled at you earlier. I should have
listened to you and I didn't. It was a mistake."

Jacqueline nodded slowly, smiling again before turning away and
climbing into the bed beside her siblings, switching off the lamp.	

Mulder nudged me gently. "You get some sleep, Scully. I'll wake you in
a few hours."

"You sure you don't want to get some sleep first?" I hesitated,
noticing the slouching of his posture and the dark shadows under his
eyes.

Mulder shook his head. "I don't think I could sleep anyway, not after
what we've seen tonight."

"Yeah," I agreed, feeling suddenly awkward, for some reason I couldn't
place. "Goodnight, Mulder."
I laid my hand on his shoulder for just a moment before turning and
crawling to the head of the bed and slipping underneath the blankets. 

I forced all thoughts of the evening's strange incidents from my mind,
letting my body and mind relax and become heavy with sleep. The last
thing I saw before I nodded off to sleep was Mulder's face turned
toward me, his eyes resting on me, a small contented smile on his lips.

       - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- MULDER POV -

I watched her for a few moments longer, and when I was satisfied that
she was asleep I wriggled further back on the bed, closer to her, and
stretched across the bed on my side so I could watch the TV more
comfortably. The volume down so low I could barely hear it - in any
case, I much preferred to just hear Scully's regular breathing. I
flipped through the channels, finally settling on a late night talk
show. As the show came to an end I heard Scully stirring in the bed,
giving a small disturbed whimper. I muted the TV, wondering whether the
slight increase in sound coming from the TV had somehow reached her
ears. I slipped off the edge of the bed and crept up alongside it,
reaching out to brush her sweat-matted hair from her forehead, my
fingers seeking hers and gently intertwining them. Scully let out an
indistinguishable murmur, her head tossing on the pillow. I'd seen her
having a nightmare once or twice before but this still shocked me,
scared me. She'd comforted me so many times during my nightmares, but
there was no way I could parallel her tenderness and strength. She
rolled onto her other side, curling up in a ball, forcing me to
relinquish the contact. I sighed as I withdrew my fingers, leaning back
on my heels for a moment, thoughtful.
The right thing to do now would be to let Scully sleep in peace, move
around the room a little to keep myself awake. But I didn't want to do
what was most politically or professionally correct. Scully was
suffering, and I hated that. And if I could do something about that, I
would. So I sat down on the bed, so close to her that her back was
pressed against my thigh, and rested my hand on her arm. Scully stirred
again at the contact, her hand covering mine and a smile spreading
across her face. She opened her mouth and murmured something happily,
over and over. It took me a few moments to realise what she was saying;
 "Emily..." 
But her happiness seemed shortlived and she began to once again toss
and turn, letting out small sobs and murmuring softly. Unable to just
sit and watch her suffer any longer, I shook her gently. Her sobs
became soft crying as she came slowly back to consciousness, confused,
shaking her head unhappily.

"Hey, s'okay partner," I whispered reassuringly, stroking her cheek
tenderly. I don't know if my touch soothed her at all, but it made me
feel a lot more confident. "You just had a bad dream, that's all."

Scully, still crying silently, struggled to sit up. "I'm... I'm .." was
as far as she could get in attempting to put up those damn protective
walls. She shook her head and clung to me, pressing her face against my
chest as she murmured, "It was a bad dream... Emily was there, but I...
I couldn't see her face. I didn't recognise her..."

"Scully, this case, these kids... Maybe you should step away," I 
whispered, wrapping my arms protectively around her and rocking
soothingly. Her pain was hurting me badly, but at the same time I also
felt a little joy, exhilaration at holding her in my arms like this.

Scully shook her head confusedly. "No, Mulder, that's not it, it's
not... It's..."

"Emily." I stated. I'd thought that was all over... but I guess it
never would be. We hadn't talked very much about that whole incident,
but it had forever changed our relationship.

"She was such a little girl," she murmured resignedly, still burrowed
against me. "But she was unprotected... vulnerable. And weak... She
wasn't like these kids. She needed me..."

"These kids need you too, Scully," I whispered, bending down and
pressing a gentle kiss on her forehead, nuzzling against her cheek. 
Scully let out a small murmur of appreciation, grateful for the
comfort. "You try and get back to sleep, Scully," I whispered, my thumb
grazing across her collarbone soothingly. Anything I could do, I would
do. I loved her for her weaknesses as much as I loved her for her
strengths.

She shook her head. "No, I don't want to get back to sleep. I'll keep
watch now."

I sighed. I didn't want to let her go. I wanted her to fall asleep in
my arms, so I could watch her and listen to her breathe and feel her
warm body in my arms, for her to be mine so completely and utterly.
"You sure? You only got an hour."

Scully nodded with certainty. "I've... I've got some things to think
over."

I nodded slowly, drawing away from her. As she drew out of my embrace
she quickly wiped the tears from both her eyes, drawing a shaky breath.

I leaned back as she crawled out from beneath the covers, fishing up
her robe and tying it around her slowly and halfheartedly, her head
bowed. I silently slipped into the bed, burying my face in the pillow
for a moment, inhaling Scully's scent, unable to stop myself from
grinning. I felt so gloriously in love with this woman...
Then Scully turned and stared at me, frowning in confusion at my
expression. She shook her head and dropped down on the very end of the
bed tiredly, shoulders sagging in what seemed to be defeat, head bowed
again. I stretched my long frame out in the bed, my toes nudging her
through the blankets.
"Scully?" I ventured, concerned. I didn't want to see my Scully giving
up.

She sighed heavily, still gazing ahead into the distance. "I did
everything that I could," she began, slowly, shaking her head. I could
hear the tears in her voice as she continued, "But it wasn't enough. I
couldn't save her. And I can't forgive myself for that." Her tone went
up a note and her voice began to break.

I reached out to her, but she shook her head, pulling away and moving
to the window, wiping her tears away again in that quick movement, then
pressing her forehead against the glass, staring out at the dark
parking lot. I sank back against the headrest, staring up. 
"Scully," I began hesitantly, addressing the ceiling, "I know that...
that you don't usually like to talk about these things, but I just want
you to know that if you ever want to talk about Emily - or anything -
I'm here, you know?" It was only at the end of the speech that I found
the courage to look earnestly across at her, her back still turned. 

She was silent, but her shoulders were shaking. I saw in the reflection
in the window pane as she closed her eyes briefly, nodding. She opened
her eyes and turned to face me, still nodding, the tears which had
welled in her eyes now trickling down her cheeks. I wiggled over in the
bed, patting the space beside me, and Scully slowly but readily climbed
up next to me, allowing me to awkwardly place my arm around her and
draw her closer against me. That she was inviting my affection and
comfort like this exhilarated me. I felt as though I'd finally broken
down that barrier, that she no longer felt that she had to hide her
emotions from me.
After a long silence Scully whispered, "I thought it was over with... I
thought that I had accepted what had happened; my loss. But it still
hurts, Mulder... She's still gone." She closed her eyes again, resting
her cheek against my shoulder, her head fitting into the crook of my
neck perfectly. We fitted. I loved it.

I began to stroke her hair gently. "But she's not gone, Scully - she'll
never go, not so long as you remember her."

She let out another shaky sigh, opening her eyes tiredly. "It just
seems that we're always losing, Mulder. We're always losing and we
never ever win."

"We won't let them win this time, Scully," I promised. "This time we're
going to win. We're going to save these kids no matter what."

"Don't make promises you can't keep," she said in a resigned, low tone.
"I made a promise to myself and... I couldn't keep it. You don't want
to suffer through a broken promise like that."

I nodded slowly, gently brushing her eyelids closed.
"I understand," I whispered as she settled back into my arms with a
small sigh. I felt so blessed. "You get to sleep, Scully. I'll keep the
nightmares away."

"Wake me up," she murmured drowsily. I began to stroke her hair again,
smiling as I saw her face relax as she finally fell asleep. I bent my
head over hers, resting my cheek on her mussed hair, inhaling the scent
with a smile, my eyes closed. Maybe if I hadn't been so completely rapt
in Scully I would have noticed Jacqueline's bright eyes on us from
across the room. But, right then, I didn't have the time for anything
more than just the two of us.
"My brave little Scully," I murmured, smiling widely. I yawned, and
although I could feel myself falling asleep, I was too comfortable to
move and wake myself up, instead drifing off to sleep with my face
buried in her hair.

        - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- SCULLY POV -

I was jolted awake by a loud bang. My head collided with Mulder's chin
as I tried to sit up, scrambling out of his arms. I couldn't even
remember how we'd gotten in such a compromising position. 
"What was that?" I whispered tensely. On occasions like this I could
wake up fully alert. I fumbled for my bedroom on the bedside table.
Mulder had found his and was reaching to switch on the bedside lamp
when a voice stopped us.

"Relax, guys, it was only a car backfiring." 

Switching the light on, Mulder and I both looked at Jacqueline, who was
sitting cross-legged on the covers between her still-sleeping siblings,
the gun I'd been searching for cradled in her lap. She smiled at us, a
curious, almost unreadable expression, and said with an apologetic
shrug, "I hope you don't mind me borrowing your weapon again, Dana, but
I thought I'd be better off armed."

I didn't know if I minded or not. I didn't like that she'd taken it
without asking, but it was a relief that at least one of us was keeping
watch. I exhaled heavily. "You should have woken one of us up,
Jacqueline," I murmured, holding out my hand to reclaim my weapon. Out
of habit I checked the clip and safety before putting it down on the
table beside me.

"Trust me, Dana." Jacqueline gave me an expectant look. "Astrid and
Josh and I have to trust you and Fox. Why can't you guys pay us the
same respect?"

"But you're -" I began to object, then clamped my mouth shut quickly.
She had a point. "Sorry, Jacqueline. We're just not used to trusting
anyone... except each other." I'd never said that aloud before and I
realised how terrible it sounded, how paranoid we were. It was
something I didn't like to deal with.

"I know," Jacqueline answered quietly, her attitude softening. She
smiled gently at me and then Mulder. 

I frowned, rubbing the back of her head, still painful from where I'd
connected with Mulder's chin. "Mulder, why don't you go back to bed?
You too, Jacqueline. I'll keep watch for a while," I announced with a
yawn, giving Mulder a gentle shove backwards.

"You're half asleep, Dana," Jacqueline pointed out skeptically. "You
get back to sleep, and Fox too. I can keep watch, honestly."

I grimaced indecisively, glancing at Mulder and then at her. 
"Jacqueline," I said heavily, "it's not that I don't trust you, but -"

"You'd feel more secure if you were on watch, I know, I know,"
Jacqueline finished with a shrug. "It's okay, Dana, I'm not taking it
personally."

I nodded, grateful for the understanding. "Thanks, Jacqui." I called
her that deliberately, wondering what her reaction would be. But she
only smiled, a smile that showed clearly that she saw through me.
"You're welcome."

I felt victorious. I'd known that Jacqueline couldn't possibly have
been as cold and unemotional as she'd made herself out to be - I knew
enough about hiding behind masks to know what she was doing. Now there
seemed to be a hesitant friendship forming between us, and I welcomed
it. It had been a long time since I'd had the opportunity to talk to
anybody other than Mulder or my mom or my counsellor, to talk to
somebody and get all giggly and girly and somehow manage to release
some of the emotions I'd kept bottled up for so long.

I shook myself, drawing a deep breath. "Back to bed," I said,
half-heartedly commanding. 

Jacqueline shook her head. "Nah, I can't sleep." She went over to the
window, parting the curtains and peering out between them.

I watched her for a moment, then turned to Mulder, who had climbed back
into the bed, but was now watching me patiently.

"What?" I asked tiredly.

Mulder pouted, patting the empty space in the bed. "Come to bed,
Scully."

I didn't smile as I sat down on the edge of the bed. "Mulder, we
shouldn't have... you know."

"What?" Mulder looked genuinely puzzled, his arm lazily reaching out
and tracing circles around the tattoo on my lower back, revealed by my
dishevelled pajama shirt. I shivered at his touch, pulling away a
little, refusing to let myself get sucked in.

"Mulder, I..." My voice caught and I swallowed, cursing myself. This
had to be said, I knew. I'd always vowed that any relationship between
myself and my partner would never affect my work and I had to stick to
that. What use were promises to myself if I wasn't going to keep them?
I felt as though I were letting my emotions run too loose and I sucked
in a deep breath, setting my lips. "Mulder, I appreciate your
willingness to comfort me..." My voice was hard. I was getting angry,
at myself for doing this, not him, but it came out at him anyway. "But
we could have put all of our lives at risk, Mulder. We're getting
sloppy, and it's dangerous. What if that hadn't just been a car
backfiring?" I stared hard at him and he didn't respond, other than
finding my hands and weaving my fingers through his own. I pulled away
from his touch. Don't distract me, Mulder. Don't be nice to me right
now. Don't comfort me. "Mulder, somebody could have crept in here while
we slept and shot us all. We know that somebody's after us. To let our
guard down while we're in such a perilious situation is just stupid!" 

"Jacqueline was awake." He sounded hurt by my unjust anger but I was
frustrated beyond sympathy. I was hurting, too.

"And that was lucky for us!" I retorted.

In a sudden movement that surprised me, Mulder flung the covers back
and leaned closer to me, hissing in my ear, conscious of the fact that
we weren't alone in the room. I had been too angry to care about that.
"And what would you have had me done, Scully? Let you cry all by
yourself?! I can't do that! I can't watch you suffer like that."

"Then don't watch!" I hissed angrily, hurt even more by his sudden
answer. "Mulder, I cry by myself all the time. This is no different to
any other of those times!"
Oh *God*.
I stopped and swallowed, realising that I'd said too much. I drew away
from him, my chin held high defiantly, daring him to question me on the
thoughtless, stupid statement. I hate losing control, because it's
always too easy for the truth to be blurted out after I've been holding
it in so flimsily.

Mulder licked his lips, nodding slowly. Tentatively he reached out to
touch my arm. "You don't have to be brave all the time, Scully."

I pulled away from him. "Yes, I do," I whispered. I switched off the
bedside light and stood. "Goodnight Mulder."


        - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- JACQUELINE POV - 

Fox didn't reply, but just watched her unhappily as she pulled on her
robe and fumbled with the lock on the door, finally getting it and
disappearing outside. The door closed after with her with a quiet
'click' and he let out a heavy breath, pulling himself upright and
rubbing his eyes tiredly. I wondered if he was even aware that I was
still in the room, still standing by the window. Astrid and Josh had
slept through the whole argument - they're both pretty solid sleepers -
but I'd heard the whole thing, and spent the whole time wishing myself
anywhere else. I hated intruding on their privacy. Their fight had
looked painful enough without the added humiliation of having a
spectator. And yet, as much as I'd hated having to just stand there and
listen to them, it had been fascinating. I wanted to get involved just
as desperately as I'd wanted to run away. They were so miserable and it
seemed so completely unjust.

"Don't let her cry by herself, Fox," I whispered softly, loud enough
for him to just catch it. He stared at me, his eyes dark and angry.

"I don't have much choice, do I?"

"She's just scared," I said. I felt strangely confident. I could see
her fear, his fear, the strong conflicting emotions they were both
struggling to hide. I didn't know how either of them could be missing
it. It was as clear as day. I continued, gentle, not wanting to provoke
him further. "She's scared to let you into her heart because it makes
her feel vulnerable. But she cares about you, Fox, and she -"

"What the hell would you know?" He interrupted me angrily. "You don't
know anything about her, or me."

"I know a little," I persisted. "I know enough to know when two people
are in denial about their feelings."

"You don't know," Mulder said darkly. "You don't know how much I care
about her, how much I -"
I laughed then. I didn't mean to. It was just so ridiculous, the things
that these two people were convincing themselves into believing.

"Fox, I've seen how you look at her! I know how you feel! It's written
all over you! Dana just doesn't see it because she's scared to look!"

"We don't have that sort of relationship," Fox argued flatly. "We
haven't and we won't."

Same old argument. He was refusing to see my point. It was infuriating.

I rolled my eyes. "You tell yourself that and you can almost believe
it. Wake up, Fox." I shook my head, then turned, leaving the room and
joining Dana on the steps outside, standing beside her. "Dana?"

She brushed at her eyes in such a quick, discreet movement that anyone
with lesser eyesight would have missed it. She cleared her throat
quietly, and I could tell that she was trying to find her composure.
"Yeah?" Her voice was quiet and shaky.

"Is it okay if I sit out here with you for a while?"

Dana swallowed again, closing her eyes briefly. "Sure."

I dropped down beside her on the steps in silence, picking a leaf off
the shrub beside me and beginning to shred it absently between my
fingers as I tried to think of something to say. I couldn't think of
anything that would voice the sympathy I had for her after what she'd
just been through with Fox. I could see that their fight, so full of
raw emotion, had shaken her badly.

We'd only been sitting in silence for a minute or so before Dana burst,
as though unable to stand it anymore. "I don't normally fall apart like
this, you know," she said abruptly. "I can usually handle things just
fine."

"It must be difficult being so close to him - physically, I mean, all
the time," I offered. The tension I had witnessed had been incredible.

Dana nodded emphatically. "I need..." She let out a heavy sigh. "I need
time to myself, away from him. I need time to think. And I haven't..."

"You haven't had much of that these past two days," I supplied
knowingly. I really meant it when I added "I'm sorry that we're causing
such a hassle."

Dana shook her head. "You're not causing a hassle... Mulder and I have
just found ourselves in a slightly unfamiliar situation... we're having
some difficulties dealing with it, that's all. It's new territory."

"Relationships have to evolve," I pointed out. "You can't stay the same
forever." I wondered what Dana and Fox had been like a year ago, two
years ago, five years ago. I wondered how long they'd been working
together. They seemed to know each other intimately, as though they'd
been together forever, but the evolution of their relationship seemed
like another step in a journey that had been started not too long ago.

Dana frowned. "Jacqueline, what you said earlier... about pretending
being dangerous...?"

I ducked my head in embarrassment. My words were already coming back to
haunt me. I shouldn't have said those things, I knew. I'd just thought
... I'd thought that I was helping. Sometimes I can be so stupid...
"Listen, I'm sorry, I know I probably shouldn't have said anything, but
I thought that you two should really be aware of it, you know?" I
winced, knowing I'd just let myself in for some more blunt honesty.

"Of what?" Dana asked softly.

"Of why you keep pushing him away when you're pretending to be married.
Putting it bluntly, Dana, you're lousy at being his wife." Seeing her
open mouth I continued quickly, "I think it's just because you're aware
that the emotions you're having to display are false and you're just
not comfortable with it. I've seen you two when you're not
pretending... when you don't push him away." 

"He, uh..." Dana cleared her throat and chuckled softly. "He seems to
be going out of his way to be affectionate... overdoing it. Last time
he wasn't this ...obnoxious."

"Last time?" I queried, eyebrow raised. The plot thickens...

"A while... almost a year ago, we went undercover as a married couple,"
she recounted with a faint smile. "We had a lot of hassles living
together..."

"But you enjoyed it anyway?" I suggested with an ironic smile. I'd seen
how the pair of them acted, how much more alive she'd been since I
first saw her at the interview room at the local PD. I'd seen how Fox
liked to systematically drive her crazy with teasing and innuendos. I'd
seen how much she loved it, even though she hid it carefully.

Dana shook her head slowly. "Yeah, I did." She chuckled to herself. "I
must be going mad." 

I half-smiled. Thinking back, I asked hesitatingly, "Why did you kiss
Fox in the diner?"

Dana stared straight ahead thoughtfully. "I wanted power over the
situation. I wanted to take away Mulder's complacency, I guess. I
wanted-"

"You wanted to kiss him?" I asked slowly. I watched her carefully as I
waited for a response.

She shook her head firmly. "No, no, that's not it. It was just...
pretend." She let out a small, wistful half-sigh.

"You and Fox... you love each other so much... but you just won't admit
it," I said slowly. "And when you're pretending to be married, your
real emotions are there, and they're getting in the way... that's why
you're having difficulty coping. Why Fox is treating it as a game."

"I'm not having difficulty coping," Dana protested, shaking her head.
Then she sighed, relenting. "Maybe I am." She shook her head again.
"How can you know so much about life? You're fifteen... but you..." she
trailed off. 

I half-smiled, staring down at my bare toes reflectively. "I studied
some psychology textbooks, learned to analyse people. But it was hard,
because the people around me were always so scientific and detached,
emotionless... But you and Fox," I shook my head, at a loss for words.
"You two are just so intense. It's just so fascinating to watch." I met
Dana's wide-eyed gaze.

"Jacqueline, Mulder and I..." Dana shook her head as she searched for
words. "I can't describe it. Sometimes when we're alone together, it
feels like we're the only people in the world. I know it sounds crazy,
but-" she broke off, cupping her chin in her hands and staring
pensively ahead.

"He calls you his 'brave little Scully', did you know that?" I asked
softly. The utter sweetness of that was overwhelming. For a man who
seemed so hardened by life, cynical about everything, he was
surprisingly earnest and adorably sweet and tender in the way he
treated Dana when he knew she wasn't looking or listening. And
sometimes, when she was. 

Dana looked up at me in surprise. "He what?"

I smiled. "He was holding you in his arms, and you fell asleep, and he
was running his fingers through your hair... and he called you his
brave little Scully."

Dana stared at me for a moment as if she was trying to deny the
emotions the news stirred within her. "Jacqueline, Mulder and I -" she
began again. I don't think she even knew where she was going with it
because she just gaped at me, amazed.

I pressed on. "He looked so happy, just holding you. He was watching
you sleep and he was grinning like it was the best thing he'd ever seen
in his life."

"Mulder doesn't know how to be happy," Dana sighed quietly. There was
real conviction in her voice.

"He was happy then," I said simply.

Dana stared at me searchingly for a long moment, then shook her head. 
"You'll get cold out here in just those pajamas," she said, turning her
head away.

"I don't get cold," I answered dismissively. I bit my lip hesitantly
before asking, "Dana, who's Emily?"

Dana stiffened beside me, setting her jaw. "Emily was my daughter," she
answered shortly. "Jacqueline, please, I don't want to talk about it."
Her voice cracked at the end of the sentence and she looked at me
pleadingly, new tears in her eyes, before turning away abruptly.

"Sorry," I said quickly, feeling guilty. Guilty, but intrigued. What
had happened to Emily? She was Dana's daughter? I'd caught the use of
the word 'was'. Had Emily died? Was that why Dana didn't want to talk
about her?

"What were, uh," Dana wore an expression of pained concentration, as
though she was desperately trying to take her mind off something. "What
were your parents like, Jacqui?"

"Cate and Rodger?" The sudden change of topic surprised me and I took a
few minutes to think. "I guess..." I said finally. "I never really got
to know what they were like... even at home, we hardly ever saw them.
They weren't interested in being our parents. We weren't children, just
guinea-pigs." I sighed. "They were always unemotional around us... it
was almost like they were wardens in a prison or something. They'd
organise our lives, control us... but they never showed any affection.
And yet," I paused thoughtfully, "I think that they were capable of
emotion. I think they just taught themselves not to care when it came
to us, to regard our existence as a necessity. But when it came to
their work... they were passionate. Like you a-" I stopped myself
swiftly, afraid that Dana would react.

"Like me and Mulder?" she asked with a sardonic smile. 

I nodded. "Something like that, yeah." I paused, giving Dana the
opportunity to continue. 

"I love my job," she admitted, picking at a loose thread on her robe.
"Most people can't understand why, when it's so dangerous and when ...
when things happen."

"Things?" I queried. I tried not to sound too interested but I was
dying to know. I wanted to know everything about Dana and Fox, wanted
to know why they were both so unhappy, what had driven them so close
together and forged the closest relationship I had ever seen.

She paused, not able to answer. Finally she spoke. "Let's just say that
I've defied death more times than I could have ever thought possible."

"All because of your work?" I asked quietly, fascinated and appalled
simultaneously. Maybe that was why she and Fox were so tough, so
hardened. They'd looked into death's foul face and lived to tell the
tale. It was incredible. 

Dana nodded, then shrugged ruefully. "And yet, I still love what I do. 
My life's greatest irony." Her face fell and she sighed heavily,
wringing her hands. "But our luck has to run out eventually."
She sat in morose silence for half a minute before suddenly standing,
brushing herself off. "Let's get back inside," she said briskly. The
conversation was closed.

I accepted her hand up, asking hesitantly, "Dana?"

She paused, hand on the doorknob. "Yeah?"

"You know that he loves you, don't you?" I asked earnestly. She had to
know. She must. She couldn't be so blind not to.

        - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- SCULLY POV -

I smiled at the earnesty in her tone and nodded, remembering Mulder's
tender show of affection when I'd been in the hospital almost dead from
cancer. After my father had died, Melissa, after Phillip Padget and
Donnie Pfaster.. There had been so many - too many - times when I'd
lacked strength and had needed to lean on Mulder, and he'd always been
there with open arms, ready and willing to comfort me, make me feel so
intensely loved.
"Yeah, I know that," I said softly. I paused briefly, before I pushed
open the door and gestured for Jacqueline to enter, but she shook her
head. 

"I want to stay out here just a little longer, if that's okay."

I nodded, aware that she was deliberately giving Mulder and I an
opportunity to be alone. "Just be careful, 'kay?" After receiving a
reassuring nod I turned and entered the darkened room, letting my eyes
adjust to the darkness before closing the door after myself. 

I made my way over to the bed I could see Mulder's long form stretched
out, curious as to whether or not he was asleep. I discovered the
answer when he reached out to catch my arm, his bright eyes staring up
at me piercingly.

"Scully..."

My heart skipped a beat and I scolded herself for it, saying brusquely,
"Yeah?" I had to snap out of whatever I was in. Mulder and I had to
stop being so emotionally sensitive and tensely-strung. It was
exhaustingly stressful and it was compromising our professionalism. 

"H- H-" Whatever he was going to say, he lacked the courage to say it.
"...What's the time?" 

I reached down and picked up the watch he had discarded to the bedside
table. "It's just past one a.m., Mulder. Did you get any sleep?"

Mulder shook his head, pulling me down onto the bed beside him. "I've
been thinking about ... what you said earlier."

I sank down into the mattress, feeling my body tense. "And?" 

"And I've decided that no matter how many times you tell me that you're
fine and that you don't need me, I'll still be there to support you." 
His tone had a definite ironic inflection and I could have kissed him
for his stubborn loyalty, loyalty I didn't deserve. Instead, I nodded
slowly, reaching down and taking his hand, squeezing it. 

"Thank you, Mulder," I whispered. I gave his hand another quick squeeze
before releasing it and lacing my fingers through his hair
affectionately. "You need to get some sleep."

"So do you," he reminded me.

I shook my head. "I'll be fine for a little longer. You get at least a
few hours. I can catch up on some sleep in the morning."

"We can't go on like this, you know," Mulder murmured sleepily, closing
his eyes. He looked just like an oversized child and I resisted the
urge to cover him in kisses, patting him on the arm quickly and then
standing. "Yeah, I know. Tomorrow, Mulder, we'll discuss that
tomorrow," I promised gently.

He murmured something, trailing off into silence. I moved to the
window, peeking out through the curtain to check that Jacqueline was
still there. Only by craning my neck could I see her, sitting on the
steps, staring ahead of her with a smile on her lips. As though she
could sense my eyes on her, she looked up sharply, meeting my gaze.
Unlike the first time in the interview room, however, her gaze was not
hateful or sullen, but instead friendly, accepting. She smiled and I
returned the smile before drawing away from the window, fiddling with
the channel and volume of the TV before dropping down onto the very end
of Mulder's bed to watch, careful not to sit on his toes.

The door opened only a few seconds later and Jacqueline entered,
yawning. I watched her as she closed and locked the door after herself
and headed toward the bed, pausing for a moment and throwing me a brief
smile in the dark. "'Night, Dana."

"Goodnight, Jacqui," I smiled at her, glad that we'd made friends. It
hadn't been easy, but I think she'd been just as desperate for a friend
as I had been. I couldn't imagine that she'd had that many friends in
the project.

After a few moments I refocused my attention on the TV, watching an old
episode of 'The Invaders' with an ironic smile. It was succeeded by a
documentary on the life of ants, something boring enough in itself to
almost lull me to sleep. I stood and shook myself awake, stretching my
tired muscles, and searched around the room until I found the textbook
on advanced genetics which Jacqueline had been studying earlier in the
day. I switched on the bathroom light and settled down just outside the
door so that I had enough light to read, but not enough to wake any of
the others up. 
It felt strange to have constantly take other people into consideration
in this way - I was used to having my apartment to herself, and, when
on cases, a motel room to myself. I wasn't sure whether I perferred
this companionship or not. Certainly, I wasn't getting lonely, with
Mulder overdoses of affection and Astrid's cheerful chatter and
Jacqueline's curiousity. Still, it was stifling, a lot more tiring than
what I was used to. My mom always used to say that being a parent is
the only full-time job there is, and I was starting to really
understand what she meant. There was rarely a moment's silence with
these kids around. And, as wonderful as it was, I missed the solitude
I'd grown so used to, the solitude I'd always craved as a child.

My intention had only been to keep myself awake for another hour or
two, but I felt myself becoming fascinated by what I was reading,
though I didn't completely understand everything. I made mental notes
of the things I needed to ask Jacqueline about, which felt strange. The
idea that a fifteen year old knew more than I did now, at age
thirty-five with a medical degree, was disconcerting. But, in reality,
Jacqueline's mentality was far beyond that of a teenager. She was fully
mature, fully adult, and, in some ways, she seemed wiser than me. But
what, then, did that mean about Astrid and Joshua? Joshua was so quiet
and shy that I couldn't quite figure him out, but Astrid had the
expressive cheerfulness and innocence of a four year old, despite her
intelligence. I wondered how long she could retain that innocence for,
with her keen grasp of the world and her skills. How long before she
became as disillusioned about the world as Mulder and Jacqueline and I?

As the sun began to rise and the room was filled with an early morning
light, I shifted to the arm chair, curling up in it comfortably as I
continued to read, completely drawn into the book. I jumped when Mulder
appeared beside me, seemingly out of nowhere, his hand closing over my
arm in greeting. The book fell from my lap and I slipped down out of
the chair, fumbling to pick it up and the several slips of paper which
had been marking pages. 

Mulder had dropped down to help me and we both looked up, and suddenly
our noses were almost touching. I pulled away a little, leaning back on
my haunches and trying to control my breathing, combat my sudden
lightheadedness. Mulder touched my cheek gently, reassuringly and I
smiled nervously at him, seeing with utter clarity what was going to
happen. We were like actors in a scene, and this was take two, our
second attempt to get something done right. I reached up to caress his
cheek, not breaking the eye contact. My stomach was churning with
anticipation. Every muscle in my body felt tensed and alive. My heart
pumped wildly. He leaned closer to me and I let my eyes close. I could
just feel his lips brushing mine, the warmth of his breath on my face,
when there was a loud thump and then the warmth was gone, he'd pulled
away. 

I blinked, pulling away and stumbling back, falling backwards over my
heels and crawling up into the stuffed armchair, a sudden numbness
spreading over me. Mulder had already turned away, and I glanced across
in the direction of the distracting noise. Jacqueline was replacing the
heavy old-fashioned telephone from the bedside table, her fist clenched
angrily as she muttered something to herself. She looked up and
shrugged at me, mouthing what I could only assume was the word 'sorry'.
I just shook my head dazedly, watching as Mulder shut himself in the
bathroom with an armful of clothes. His gaze met mine for only a
second, but it was so intensely unhappy and disappointed that I pulled
away. I was feeling unhappy enough for myself without needing to know
his misery as well. 

We'd both been so certain, I knew, but, as willing as we'd both been,
we wouldn't talk about it. We didn't talk about these things, and that
was the most frustrating thing. If we could just address the issue,
laugh at our bad luck, then maybe we'd stop dancing around it, stop
wondering about whether we really meant it or what we really wanted. I
hated it when we didn't have proven facts to deal with, and here there
were just too many things that I felt sure were true but couldn't be
utterly certain of unless Mulder confessed them. We both wanted the
kiss, I knew. I'd known that for a long time. I'm not sure when I'd
first realised that I loved him, or when I first realised that he loved
me, or even that he was in love with me. It was something I knew I
struggled with. Our friendship was so deep, so intense, that the
attraction seemed almost irrelevant... And the lust... I still didn't
know how to fit that piece into the puzzle. All I knew was that as much
as I loved Mulder, I needed to feel desired as well.

I sat huddled in the chair, staring blankly at the bathroom door,
fighting the irrational urge to cry as I heard the shower start up.

Out of the corner of my eye I could see Jacqueline's eyes on me and I
sighed heavily. This was all too much to deal with, but I had to try
and deal with it, somehow. I closed my eyes and spoke quietly. "Don't
blame yourself, Jacqui... it shouldn't have happened. You were right,
all this pretending has just..." I shook my head.

"Listen, Dana, I swear... I didn't want either of you to get hurt,"
Jacqueline began guiltily, chewing on her nails. "It wasn't supposed to
happen like this..."

I opened my eyes and looked at her tiredly. "What do you mean, it
wasn't supposed to happen like this? How is this your fault?"

Jacqueline winced. "I've just been ... experimenting, you know. With
you two."

I frowned. "What do you mean, experimenting?" I asked tiredly. I didn't
even know if I cared for an answer. 

Jacqueline sighed unhappily. "I've just ... I've watched you too
together, seen how you feel about each other... and I've just...
interfered a bit. Talked to you about him... talked to him about you...
Just suggesting things, you know... working on the subconscious, that
sorta stuff." She bit her lip and looked at me guiltily, pleading.
"Please don't hate me, Dana, I just wanted you guys to be happy. I know
I shouldn't have interfered but it was just too tempting."

I shook my head slowly, so tired and exhausted. "God, you're just a
little matchmaker, you know that?" I muttered. I paused for a moment
before looking up again. "Jacqueline, I know that you did what you did
only because you believed it was right and that we would benefit from
it, but this is too complex for you to understand. Mulder and I have a
relationship that even the two of us are too scared to meddle with, and
for someone like you to meddle with it... it's just not safe. There's
no way we can benefit from that."

Jacqueline nodded understandingly, her face downcast. "I just think
it's such a pity, that's all," she murmured with a shrug before turning
away.

"Wait, Jacqueline..." I called her back desperately. "Don't take it
personally, okay? But Mulder and I can't afford to risk our
relationship in any way, I'm sure you can appreciate that. We need to
be able to work together in harmony... your life depends on it."
   	
Jacqueline nodded again, turning away, and I sighed, sinking back into
the armchair with my feet tucked under me, closing my eyes and letting
exhaustion catch up on me. 


        - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- MULDER POV - 

She was sound asleep when I stepped out of the bathroom, towelling my
wet hair dry. I stopped for a moment to watch her, leaning against the
wall with a heavy sigh. She was so utterly, utterly beautiful when she
slept, her little fists curled up as if she were protecting herself. I
could have watched her for hours like that.
I sensed eyes on me and I turned to look at Jacqueline. "What?" I
frowned. For once, I was willing to lay the blame on somebody other
than myself.

"She was disappointed about before, you know," Jacqueline said
ominously.

"I heard what you told her," I said brusquely. The walls were thin and
I'd been desperate to hear what Scully had to say about our second
near-kiss. "About the fact that you'd been experimenting with us..."
I think I could have wrung her neck right about then. She'd hurt
Scully, and that was something I had trouble forgiving people for. Not
that she was entirely to blame. After all, I'd been putting some
pressure on Scully to move our relationship forward. Still...

She dropped her head, embarrassed. "You heard that?"

"Just keep out of our business, okay?" I demanded roughly. "Neither of
us appreciate it."

"Listen, Fox," Jacqueline said guiltily, "I thought that it was obvious
that you two loved each other... I thought that all you needed was a
little push in the right direction to do something about it."

"Well, you were wrong, weren't you?" I retorted angrily, even though I
could almost see her reasoning. But she didn't understand. "If Scully
and I do choose to make changes in our relationship, it'll be a mutual
decision by the both of us, nothing that concerns you."

"Keep your voice down, you'll wake Dana," Jacqueline muttered. She
turned away, gathering up a clean set of clothes and disappearing into
the bathroom without another word.

I stood in silent rage, infuriated by her arrogance, her assumption
that she could interfere. There had been too many people in the past
who had tried to mess with our relationship, and it was something I
guarded with intense caution. And jealousy. I hated Jacqueline's
influence over Scully - and even over myself. Maybe I was pushing
Scully a little too far, but Jacqueline was confusing us both, making
us question what we thought was immutable, and our relationship was
being put at risk. 

I shifted my focus to Scully, still asleep in the armchair. She'd
stirred and wrapped her arms around her tightly, her little fists still
clenched. Looking at her I didn't see the woman who'd worn black almost
every day for the past year, who wore five-inch heels so I didn't tower
over her quite so much, who'd stood up to superiors defiantly,
demanding justice. I saw a woman who had been hurt, a woman who was
just as confused as I was about our relationship, who'd suffered
unimaginable pain. I loved her more than I'd ever loved anyone before,
more than I'd known was humanly possible. We'd forged a closeness that
was the only reason I had to get up every morning. I had to remember
that, and some times when we fought and got angry I forgot it, and I
hurt her. I hated myself when I hurt her.
My anger melted away as I watched her breathing. It was almost
hypnotising. In, out, in, out, in, out.. I took a few steps toward her
and reached out to touch her cheek. She jolted awake immediately, her
eyes startled, panicky for a second before recognition set in. She let
her eyes close again and with a half-sigh she sank down into the chair.
"Mulder..." she murmured. She rubbed at her eyes and opened them again,
looking at me blearily.

I chose for once not to make a smart crack. "You'd be more comfortable
in the bed." I spoke quietly, gently, offering her a hand up, which she
refused, shaking her head.

"I'm fine here, Mulder. I only need a little sleep, really..." She
yawned. It was obvious that she was struggling to keep her eyes open.

I watched for a a moment longer as she closed her eyes and settled back
into the chair. Then I slipped an arm under her and scooped her up into
my arms. She had only been dozing and her eyelids fluttered open again.
"Mulder, this isn't necessary," she murmured sleepily in protest.

I smiled. Oh, yes it is, Scully, my precious, yes it is. I lowered her
down on the bed, being so incredibly careful, helping her as she
struggled to pull off her robe and slip under the covers.
I smiled again, trying not to show my nervousness at what I was going
to say. Well, maybe not nervousness. Maybe apprehension, fear of her
reaction, fear that she might just laugh at me.
"I just wanted to show you how much I love you."


        - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 


- SCULLY POV - 

I was dumbfounded. I just stared at him for about ten seconds, too
shocked at the statement to protest as he tucked the comforter up
around me and brushed the hair from my face. I'd always thought that
the most frustrating thing about our relationship was that we could
never be honest with each other when it came to these things. I always
wished it wasn't so hard to simply say to him 'I love you', but it was.
For me, anyway. Mulder didn't seem to have that problem anymore.

He smiled at me, as though amused by my reaction. I guess I must have
looked funny, eyes wide and mouth gaping, but I was completely taken
aback by Mulder's casual, yet crucial, explanation. We'd never openly
professed any affection to each other. It had always been done with
looks, touches, shows of loyalty. This was new territory, a real sign
that we were willing to let our shields down a little and test a few
boundaries. It was the most exciting and terrifying step we'd taken so
far. 

"It's not the first time I've told you, Scully... you needn't look so
surprised." He was teasing me, I knew, but the affection was there too.

I half-smiled. "Mulder, you were drugged... very heavily drugged. I
didn't think..." I trailed off sheepishly, still amazed.

"That I knew what I was saying?" Mulder grinned. "You'd be surprised,
Scully." He reached down and cupped my cheek, his thumb stroking
gently. "You get some sleep, okay? You hardly got any last night, and
if we're going to cope with the kids we need as much energy as we can."

I nodded a little nod, letting my eyelids close obediently. I didn't
really believe that I could get to sleep after Mulder's revelation, but
soon enough I felt my tiredness returning. I wasn't exhausted - I know
what it's like to be utterly exhausted, and I wasn't that bad. But I 
was tired, and Mulder's touch was so gentle as he continued to caress
my cheek. It was a pleasant sleepiness, promising warmth and
contentment. The last of the tension left my body as numbness spread
through my veins. The last thing I could remember before I drifted off
was Mulder's lips on mine in a gentle kiss, and his voice whispering to
me. "Sweet dreams, Scully, my Scully." 

I murmured something, my mouth curving up into a dreamy smile. And I
slept.


        - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- MULDER POV - 

I could have watched her sleep all day. I probably would have, if the
muffled voices of the kids hadn't caught my attention. I discovered the
pair of them chasing each other around under the covers of their bed,
and pulled back the covers with a flourish. "Morning!" I announced.

Astrid immediately lunged at me with a delighted squeal.
"Fox!!" she shrieked.

I caught her awkwardly. "Whoa! Watch out!" I lowered her to the ground
and she curiously approached Scully's bedside.

"Fox, why does Dana always sleep in the mornings?" she asked curiously,
staring at Scully's beautiful sleeping form.

I tugged at Astrid's arm, pulling her away from the bed. "Dana stayed
up for most of last night so she's tired, that's all," I explained
easily. "So we've got to be quiet so she can get some sleep, 'k?"

Astrid looked puzzled. "How come Dana had to stay up last night? Did
she have a nightmare?"

I stared at her for a moment, surprised at how perceptive she was, and
deliberated for a moment on what to tell Astrid. Before I could decide
on a response she prodded, "What was her nightmare about?" She added
solemnly, "I had a nightmare once when I was little."

The earnest solemnity in her tone was sad. A four year old shouldn't
look back on their childhood as if it were already over. Not a four
year old. I shook my head slowly. "She, uh... Why don't you and Joshua
play some more games, Astrid?"
I didn't know if I could handle any more of the truth at the moment.
What I wanted right then was to just lie down beside Scully on the bed
and slide my arms around her, cover her with gentle kisses, tell her
over and over how much I loved her. But I knew I couldn't do that.
There was only so much change we could handle in our relationship at
one time. We had to take small steps, be sure of everything.

I'd almost forgotten about Astrid, who had been staring at me, her eyes
appraising. "Okay," she agreed at last. "If that's what you want."

She gave me a quick hug and then skipped across to join her brother
where he was concentrating intently on a book, whispering the words to
himself as he read slowly and painfully. I knew that Scully lapped up
Astrid's easy shows of affection, but it was something I was having a
little trouble dealing with. I wanted to stay objective on this case,
because I knew that losing objectivity could only result in
unhappiness, and I didn't want that. But it was hard to remain
objective when Scully seemed to have thrown herself whole-heartedly
into getting as emotionally attached to these kids as she could.

Okay, so maybe I was being unfair. These kids were three little Orphan
Annies. Could I really blame Scully for letting her maternal side show?
And who am I kidding? I love when Scully gets maternal. Well, with me,
anyway. There's nothing I love more than to nuzzle against her and pout
and let her take care of me. It's not something I do often, my pride
usually holds me back. But the fact remained that I saw Scully getting
all maternal over these kids, lapping up the affection, getting all
concerned and anxious over their wellbeing, even becoming friends with
Jacqueline. I saw all this, and I didn't see myself in the picture. So
I put myself in the picture, because I didn't want Scully to draw away
from me because of the kids. And that wasn't making it easy to be
objective. Neither was the fact that I was loving our little
make-believe world, loving playing happy families.

I watched Astrid and Joshua half-attentively, my eyes regularly
straying across to where Scully slept solidly. When Jacqueline emerged
from the bathroom I could see hostility and distrust in her eyes. I
wondered what emotions she was covering? Hurt? Humiliation? I had no
sympathy. She had had no right to meddle in Scully's and my
relationship. 
Jacqueline didn't talk to me, but instead crouched down beside her
siblings, talking to them quietly. They stood, sidling past me with
strange expressions and sat down obediently at the small table. I
should have felt anger but instead I felt a sort disappointment. As
much as I hated to admit it, I was starting to get attached to the kids
as well. Astrid was like a breath of fresh air, so incessantly
cheerful, optimistic about everything. I'd been charmed by her just
like Scully had been, and I hadn't even realised it. 

I watched as Jacqueline organized their breakfast. Astrid stared at me
unhappily over the top of her breakfast bowl and I winced and turned
away. I knew I'd overreacted in blaming Jacqueline, but I guess that
maybe I just didn't want to accept the idea. Not enough to warrant
making an apology, anyway.

The kids finished breakfast and ran to their toys on the floor as
Jacqueline washed up the dishes in the bathroom sink. When she was
finished she joined them on the floor, talking to them quietly and
encouragingly. The wary looks she kept throwing me weren't lost on me,
and I felt conspiciously unwanted and out of place. After two hours of
sitting around, my nervous were frayed to breaking point. I jumped up. 
"I'm going for a drive," I announced curtly. "I'll be back in about an
hour."

Jacqueline nodded, not even looking up at me, and I left, driving more
recklessly than normal, trying to ease my frustration.

I returned just under an hour later with a white paper bag in my hand
and an envelope in my pocket. I'd had a lot of time to think and some
things were clearer in my mind. Not everything, but it was a start.

"Everything fine here?" I asked shortly, noting that the kids were now
dressed, though Astrid's hair was a tangled mess.

Astrid looked up and gave me a grin, but Jacqueline quickly nudged her.

"Everything's fine," she said. Her tone was as short as mine had been.

I nodded, glancing at my watch and then across at my still sleeping
partner. Dumping the bag of bagels on the bedside table, I sat down
beside her on the bed, patting her gently through the covers to wake
her. She stirred, letting out a small, grumpy murmur.

"Hey, wake up, sleepyhead!" I teased gently.

"Get your hand off my butt," came her muttered response. Her eyes were
shut tightly, but I could have sworn a smile was dancing along her
lips.

"Sorry," I said sheepishly, sliding my hand along the covers and
resting my hand on her hip, rubbing gently. "Better?"

She let out an indistinguishable murmur, then slowly pulled herself
upright, her eyes fluttering open, a groan escaping her lips as she
reached up to rub her neck. "What's the time?" she mumbled, looking at
me through still half-closed lids.

"It's just past nine," I answered promptly. "If we're leaving today, we
have to be out by ten."

She groaned again, reaching up with both hands to massage her neck. It
was sore from craning to read, I guessed. I'd been watching her for
quite a while earlier before I let her know that I was there.
"*Are* we leaving today?" She looked up at me expectantly, still bleary
eyed.

I nodded firmly. "Definitely. I got us coach tickets outta here. We
leave late this afternoon."

"You don't sound like you're having the time of your life, Mulder,"
Scully muttered dryly, rolling her neck and grimacing. "What's
happened?"

"Nothing's happened," I assured her quickly. I reached out, placing my
hand atop hers. "Here, let me do that."

"Mulder, no... that's really not necessary," Scully protested as I
prised her hands away and started to gently rub her shoulders, my
thumbs pressing firmly against her soft skin. I'd gone out with a
masseuse once and learned a trick or two. "Mulder, really..." she
insisted. But her protests were weak, only put up for appearances.
We'd never gotten so relaxed together before that we'd gotten to
massages, and I wondered why not. Maybe because touches between us had
always necessarily been important, so potent. A touch between us had
never just been a touch, it had always meant something. More intimate
than a kiss.
But we were ready, and we both knew it.

She made one last, half-hearted attempt to pull away, but I reached out
and put my hand on her shoulder firmly to stop her. "Please, Scully."
Please just give us a chance. 

She half-turned, looking up at me. Then she nodded, biting her lip.
"Just this once," she said softly. She let me draw her closer to me,
and my hands slid back in place, kneading the pale flesh. A small moan
of pleasure escaped her lips as my thumbs found a sensitive spot just
below her shoulder blades, and I smiled. I leaned forward and whispered
enticingly into her ear, "There's some fresh hot bagels in the bag
right there, if you're hungry."


        - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- SCULLY POV -

It was bliss.
I was hesitant to pull out of Mulder's grip even for long enough to
grab a bagel from the bag on the bedside table, but it was worth it. It
could have been just me, but I don't think I'd ever tasted anything
more delicious. That and the feel of Mulder's deft fingers, I was in
heaven. It was twice as exquisite as sinking down into a hot
bubblebath, which had, up til now, been my favorite pasttime. I'd never
known that Mulder had this secret gift, and I couldn't believe that I'd
let him hide it from me for so long. All the tension was seeping out of
me and the world began to blur. I tore off another bit of bagel and ate
it slowly, savoring the simple taste. 
"These are so good," I murmured. I  leaned back even more into his
grip, feeling so light, so uninhibited. I broke off some more bagel and
held it over my shoulder to Mulder, who accepted it with his mouth, his
lips brushing my fingers. I smiled, trying to ignore the ripple of
excitement that ran through me.

I blinked as Jacqueline appeared in front of me. "Uh, Dana?"

I blinked again, trying to wake myself up a little. "Yuhuh?"

She seemed to very deliberately and awkwardly ignore Mulder's gaze as
she asked "Are we leaving here today?"

I nodded, licking the crumbs from my lips. "Yeah, we are." 

"So... where are we going next?"

It took me a few seconds to register that Mulder had stopped and pulled
away a little. Surprised, and a little disappointed, I twisted around
to glance at him. His face was set grimly, like he was sitting in front
of Assistant Director Kersch. Yech.

"So, where *are* we going?" I asked him slowly, frowning as he quickly
tried to conceal his expression with a tight, false smile.

"Back to DC," was his brief response. "We'll check in with the gunmen
and then camp out at your place."

"How can we know that my place is safe?" I asked doubtfully. I didn't
look up at him as I spoke, I looked down at my hands instead. Something
was going on. The animosity between Mulder and Jacqueline was evident, 
but I couldn't see why. It was disturbing. The last thing we needed was
squabbles between the three of us. I shook myself a little, my head
still down as I continued. "We still don't know for certain that they
haven't figured out who we are. And shouldn't we stick around here a
while longer to investigate the case we were sent out here for? We
still haven't found who shot the parents..." I trailed off when I saw
Jacqueline shifting uncomfortably beside me. Any mention of her parents
seemed to set her on edge, and I guess I couldn't really blame her.
Yet, I'd expected some form of grief, even with what I'd heard of their
upbringing, and she'd shown none. Neither had Astrid and Joshua. They
seemed totally unaffected by it. 

"We don't need to find out," Jacqueline said quickly. "It doesn't
matter."

"People were murdered. Even if you didn't like them, they were still
human beings," Mulder said harshly. Jacqueline met his gaze sullenly
for a moment before looking away. I watched, my anxious curiosity
growing. I'd seen that impatient, angry look before, even experienced
the wrath of the anger firsthand on a few terrible occasions. It was a
look that always made me feel heavy with guilt.

"We'll... we'll figure it out, 'kay?" I reassured Jacqueline quickly.
It was obvious that while she was here I wasn't going to get anything
out of Mulder, and I did really want to find out what was going on.
"You could help us by starting to pack up all the stuff - put all the
dirty laundry in one bag. Try to minimise our luggage, okay?"

Jacqueline licked her lips, glancing uncomfortably at Mulder, then
nodded. "Yeah. Thanks, Dana."

I waited until she was out of hearing range and then turned again to
face Mulder, whispering, "Something's happened between you two, hasn't
it?" I knew I said it like an accusation and it was. I didn't want
anybody to screw anything up.

"It was nothing, really," Mulder tried to reassure me. He began to
massage my shoulders again, but I caught his hands and pushed him away,
frustrated, turning fully so that I could face him. 

"Mulder, don't lie to me," I warned. I was getting angry at him. "If we
can't trust each other, it makes everything infinitely harder." 

Mulder set his lips grimly. "I just let her know how we felt about her
deliberately messing with out relationship."

My heart sank. That's my Mulder, ultra-possessive and protective, more
teritorial than a bulldog. I sighed, rubbing my eyes. "How did you know
that?"

"I listened to your conversation," he admitted. "I don't trust her
influence over you."

"Mulder, she doesn't have any influence over me," I protested, annoyed
that he'd been eavesdropping. I drew a deep breath, forcing myself to
calm down, stop being so defensive. Mulder was only doing it because he
cared. "Besides," I added tentatively, "She could only work on emotions
that already existed. Maybe we're just as much to blame as she is."

Mulder bit his lip, staring at me, his fingers absently tapping on his
leg. "Maybe you're right," he admitted, letting out a heavy sigh. He
reached out hesitantly to touch my shoulder again but I pushed him
away. 

"No, Mulder," I said softly, shaking my head. My stomach was churning.
"We shouldn't."

Mulder nodded slowly, retracting his hand. "You're right, we
shouldn't," he agreed softly, reluctantly.

I slipped off the bed, touching him lightly on the head. "I'll have a
quick shower. You help the kids pack."

Mulder nodded, and as he was about to turn away I added, "And Mulder?
Don't be too harsh on Jacqueline. She just wanted us to be happy. It's
not a crime."

I held his gaze for a few seconds before he nodded. I gave him an
encouraging half-smile before slipping into the bathroom.


           - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- MULDER POV -

It was Scully's idea to come to this park, to give us a chance to be
outdoors for a while before the coach trip back to DC. I'd been against
the idea, not really in the mood for happy fun and games. My mind was
still in turmoil from my conversations with Scully before, though I
know that it didn't show. I'd always been good at keeping calm on the
surface, not letting anybody see how dangerously tumultuous things were
on the inside. I felt so confused now, and I hated being confused. I
felt guilty about my reaction to Jacqueline, but I still couldn't
forgive what she'd done. I wondered if I'd done the wrong thing before,
pushing us into new territory. Maybe I shouldn't have touched her, even
as innocently as a shoulder massage. But no, that wasn't innocent,
nothing between us was ever innocent. It was beautiful and exciting and
scary, too, because after we'd taken a step we couldn't go back. But it
had been so wonderful, and I knew I wasn't the only one who'd thought
that. But I felt guilty about what we'd done, what I'd done, because I
didn't deserve it. I didn't deserve to wash the floors Scully walked
on. 
I knew she wasn't perfect, of course. She's a human being and all human
beings are flawed. But she was so courageous, so caring, so selfless,
so beautiful that to me she was perfect, and always had been. And as
much as I didn't think I deserved her, I still wanted to be with her,
needed to, because she was the center of my universe.
I was being too harsh on myself, I knew, but I still couldn't accept
that I could in any way match up to her. I could only try.

I looked up and found Scully smiling at me, gesturing for me to join
her at the swingset, where she was pushing Astrid. "You wanna push her
for a bit?" she offered.

I felt a moment's hesitation. I would have done anything Scully asked,
but to be honest, I was scared. It had been too long since I'd pushed a
child on a swing, and one of the last times I could remember was when
I'd been showing off and pushed Sam too hard. She'd broken her
collarbone. All fears have to be conquered some time, I told myself asI
stepped closer and grabbed the reigns of the swing, pulling it back a
little and then letting go to get the swinging restarted. My heart was
beating madly as I swung her again and again, but I kept that look of
nonchalance on my face and kept going. I rediscovered the rhythm easily
enough, and these swings were in better shape than the one Dad had tied
up in the back yard for Sam and I. 
I got a little braver, pushing her harder so Astrid flew high,
giggling. That made me grin. I glanced across at Scully, who was
leaning casually back against one of the support poles, and she smiled
at me.

"You're a pro at this, Mulder," she teased.

I was feeling a lot more confident now, and threw her one of my famous
grins. "I have many skills," I said smoothly. "You've just never
noticed before."

Scully let out a small chuckle, shaking her head. "Sorry, your ego must
have been in the way."

That made me laugh, and it felt good. It had been a long time since I'd
really laughed.  
"Had enough yet, kiddo?" I asked Astrid, grabbing the plastic-coated
chains and gradually pulling her to a stop.

"Don't stop Fox!" Astrid begged. "Keep pushing! I don't want to stop!!"
I still couldn't get over how I was letting the kids call me Fox. I
winced every time my own mother called me that.

Scully chuckled, pulling Astrid from the swing and tickling her. 
"How about we see what Jacqui and Josh are up to, huh?" she suggested. 

I think she noticed the quick look that I gave her, and ignored it
deliberately. She watched as Astrid flew off across the astroturf to
the sandbox where the other two were. She was smiling that fond,
wistful smile that I'd seen a lot on her lately, and I still didn't
know whether I liked that smile or not. We slowly made our way across,
watching as Astrid greeting her siblings with a hug. I slipped my arm
around her shoulders as casually as I could, gently kneading her
shoulder muscles as a matter of fact. 
"Good?" I murmured, bending my head close to hers as we walked.

Scully nodded, letting out a comfortable sigh. "Very," she admitted.

We were only a few feet away from the sandbox when Scully changed her
mind. "Let's sit down somewhere," she said softly, "Let Jacqueline have
some time alone with the kids."

I nodded and guided us to the closest park bench, a sunny spot in front
of a row of rosebushes.
"They smell beautiful," Scully murmured as we sat down, breathing in
deeply.

I leaned closer to her and sniffed her neck, not wanting to miss the
opportunity. "You smell beautiful," I said playfully.

"Quit it, Mulder," she scolded, half-heartedly swatting at me. But she
was smiling, amused by my idealistic antics.

I chuckled, leaning back on the bench, my hands tracing lazy circles on
her back. I knew I was being possessive of her but the situation seemed
so blissfully surreal that I didn't care. "It's nice here in the sun,"
I murmured, yawning. 

Scully let out a small murmur of contented agreement. Her left hand
resting lightly on my knee, rubbing gently. The action was so natural
and responsive that I don't think she even realised she was doing it
until I placed my hand on top of hers, my thumb grazing the back of her
hand. She stared up at me, her eyes wide, a faint smile on her lips. 

I chuckled softly. She was flushing slightly, smiling that little
embarrassed smile, ducking her head. Boldened by her childish shyness,
I burrowed against her, kissing her neck three times before pulling
away. I held my breath, apprehensive of how she would react despite the
way she'd taken everything else. Her smile grew, still so beautifully
demure, bashful. We were like shy, nervous teenagers on a first date.
It strange to be rediscovering the innocent pleasures of dating. I
could barely remember how sweetly satisfying this sort of thing had
been past all the hot and heavy relationships and one night stands I'd
experienced. I was glad that Scully and I weren't rushing into things.
We weren't suffocating each other, diving in to something headfirst.
We'd spent a long time learning about each other, learning what makes
us tick, cultivating the most important relationship I'd ever had. And
now we were being just as cautious about this, tiptoeing gingerly. It
was awkward, especially because we never tackled these emotional issues
straight out. I don't think either of us really liked that idea. I
wondered how she would react if I kissed her right now -- But the
moment
had passed.

She'd turned her gaze back to the kids, who were now playing on the
climbing equipment, Jacqueline holding their hands for balance as they
walked along the beams. Astrid saw us and grinned at us both, waving
with her free hand. "Look at me!" she shouted happily.

Scully laughed, retracting her hand from beneath mine to clap. I missed
the warmth, the connection immediately.
"Wonderful, Astrid," she praised, smiling. She glanced up at me. "Are
you glad we came now?" she asked, eyes dancing happily.

I couldn't kiss her now, not when there was the chance that it would
drive the happiness out of her eyes. Instead I just smiled, a little
sheepishly. "Yeah."
I noticed that Scully's hand had returned to my knee and I drew her
closer against me, drawing a deep breath. "You know, I think I could
get used to this." I hadn't been sure of it until I spoke it, but there
was definite relief when I spoke the words. I knew Scully's longing for
a more ordinary life and I'd finally admitted - to both myself and her
- that I shared that longing. It was useeless pretending any longer that
I was content in my dark isolated world.

Scully twisted her head to look up at me curiously. "Really?"

I rubbed her arm, staring across at the playground thoughtfully.
"Yeah." Yeah, I'd much rather be here in the sun with my arm around
Scully than sitting alone at home, or alone in my dark office, or at
her hospital bedside after yet another case had threatened her life.

Scully relaxed against me again. "As strange as it sounds... I think I
could too," she admitted, smiling reflectively. "It's just... safe.
It's easier to focus in rather than out, on yourself and your little
world instead of the fate of the world and whether or not we're all
going to be brought down by a bunch of little grey extraterrestrials."

I smiled. If Scully's learnt anything from me, it's the color of EBEs.
"It's like being a kid again, huh?"

"Like being part of a family, again," Scully murmured. I think it took
her a few seconds before she realised the significance of what she'd
said and she ducked her head, embarrassed.

"Family's important to you, huh?" I asked gently after a moment's
silence.

She nodded. "Yeah. It is."

I nodded slowly, then reluctantly retracted my arm, standing. "How
about we get something to eat while we're stopped?" I suggested,
offering her a hand up, which she accepted.

"Picnic lunch?" Her eyes lit up. I could imagine that she was
remembering big Scully family picnic lunches as a kid. Her family
seemed like the sort that would do that, have happy family outings.
"Sounds good."

I grinned, patting her on the back. "You go watch the kids. I'll go dig
out whatever food we've got left in the car."


        - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- SCULLY POV -

Mulder's suggestion took my completely by surprise. Sure, I guess the
idea of a picnic lunch at the park was logical; we were already there,
the kids were having fun, there was still a fair bit of food left in
the car and we had to have lunch some time. But Mulder and picnic
lunches have just never gone together in my mind. 
I watched his retreating figure for a few long seconds, studying the
way he walked. The way Mulder walks is always such a clue to his mood,
one of the very few small signs that show what his face doesn't. He's
always so fascinating to watch. Now he was practically skipping along.

I turned and started to move closer to the play equipment. Joshua was
at the top of the slide, hesitating about coming down. Jacqueline was
standing near the top end of the slide talking pacifyingly to Astrid,
who was waiting impatiently behind her brother. 

I moved to the bottom of the slide and started cajoling. "Come on,
Josh! You're a big brave boy, aren't you?"

Joshua still looked scared and indecisive, and Astrid, becoming bored
waiting for her go, pulled him out of the way and slid down herself,
shrieking in delight. When I caught her at the bottom she was grinning
happily. "Did you see me, Dana? Did you see me?"

"Yeah, I saw you," I assured her cheerfully. I'd never seen a kid so
happy about going down a slide. "Was it fun?"

Astrid nodded enthusiastically, jumping up and down on the spot. "Can I
go again? Please?"

I laughed. "Sure." I gave her a gentle shove and she ran around,
climbing up the steps and crawling through the plastic tunnel to get to
the top, where Joshua was near tears, so scared to go on the slide
despite just having seen Astrid's enjoyment. Jacqueline was trying to
reassure him, cajoling him, but he kept shaking his head. She pulled
him out of the way for a small red-headed boy to go down, producing a
tissue and wiping away his tears.

"Hey, look, Astrid's about to go down again," she said persuasively. I
moved beside her, watching her intently. The pair of them watched as
Astrid slid down again enthusiastically but Joshua still shook his
head, scared.

I gave her a nudge. "Go down with him."

Jacqueline's eyebrows rose. "Me?" she looked surprised, as though the
idea was foreign to her.

I nodded. The feeling that I was more knowledgeable in this small thing
made me feel a lot more confident around her. I could remember when I'd
gone along with Missy once on one of her babysitting jobs and I'd been
so scared that she'd laugh because I didn't know how to change a
diaper. That feeling of inadequacy was something I'd hated, even though
Missy had had some sympathy for me and shown me how to do it step by
step without any sarcastic comments. I'd still been envious of the ease
with which she handled the baby. I felt that same jealousy now, afraid
that some simple occasion would arise and I wouldn't know how to deal
with it and Jacqueline would. My newfound confidence dispelled a little
of the feeling that I was being supervised by Jacqueline whenever I
interacted with her siblings.
"Show him that it's not scary," I explained reassuringly.

Jacqueline nodded, jumping up the small set of stairs and squeezing
through the tunnel, avoiding the dozen other small children running
around, and reaching the top of the short slide. She pulled Joshua into
her lap as she sat down, her arms around him protectively. 
"Let's go, Joshie," she announced as she pushed off, not giving him a
chance to wriggle out of her arms. She out a shout of exhilaration as
they slid down. Joshua looked a little dazed when they reached the
ground and his lower lip trembled for a second as if he were going to
cry. But then his mouth curved up into a crooked smile and he let out a
shaky giggle, and three seconds later he was tugging Jacqueline up the
steps again for another try.

Astrid dragged me over to the other end of the huge climbing structure,
telling me sternly to catch her at the bottom and then dashing off,
climbing up the netted rope latter, through a small tunnel and running
across a short bridge to reach the top of the slide. The second slide
was a longer closed in pipe one which made several turns before it
reached the base. I could remember how much I used to love those and
how as kids Charlie and I had always loved climbing up them. 

"Catch me at the bottom, Dana!" Astrid called, waving from the top of
the slide before dropping down and giving herself an almighty push. I
grinned as I heard the muffled squeals of delight through the plastic
pipe slide, catching Astrid as she came to a stop at the bottom. She
threw her arms around my waist happily and I laughed. "Fun?" I grinned.

"Lots and lots and lots and lots of fun!" Astrid enthused.

I smiled, patting her on the head. Yeah, that pretty much described the
my morning so far. Well, throw a surreal in there, too.
I stifled a yawn and glanced around to check on Jacqueline and Joshua,
wondering if Joshua was sick of the slide yet. Then a cold chill ran
over me. I couldn't see them anywhere. 

"Astrid, where's Jacqui and Josh?" I asked. My tone was sharp.

I reached down to grab Astrid's hand tightly, my eyes travelling around
frantically. Children were swarming everywhere but I couldn't see -

I jumped, catching my breath suddenly as I felt a hand on my shoulder,
my hand fumbling for my weapon, hidden under my brown suede jacket, as
I spun around. We're caught, we're caught, we're caught... The words
ran though my mind rapidly, endlessly. Then I let out a sigh of relief.
"Mulder! You scared me!"

"Hey, it's -" he started cheerfully, but I interrupted.

"Mulder, I've lost Jacqueline and Joshua," I said desperately. I knew I
was panicking but everything had just been going fine and now they were
gone and it was my fault because I should have been watching them
closer instead of standing aroung thinking warm 'n fuzzy thoughts.
"They were just right here and-" I picked up Astrid, balancing her on
my hip and holding her tightly, my eyes continuing to frantically scan
the playground.

Mulder chuckled, resting his hands reassuringly on my shoulders. "It's
okay, Scully, they're over there." He manoeuvred me around gently,
pointing to a small set of picnic tables where several families were
gathered, and I could see Jacqueline digging through a large grocery
bag Mulder had thrown all the food into and Joshua sitting on the
wooden table, chewing on a carrot. 
I let out a heavy sigh, lowering Astrid to the ground, weak with
relief. I half fell against Mulder, trying to catch my breath and slow
my heartrate. 
"I got scared," I muttered. I think maybe that was one of the first
times I'd ever admitted something like that to Mulder without being
bullied into a confession. "I thought they'd been caught."

Mulder rubbed my back reassuringly, pulling me into a half-hug. "It's
okay, we're all safe."

I nodded, pulling out of his arms. I couldn't let myself get all weak
and needy. Even if it did feel wonderful to have Mulder's arms around
me, so protective. "Let's get some lunch, huh?" I said shakily.

He nodded, and I let him slip his arm around my waist as we slowly
walked over to the picnic tables. Astrid ran ahead of us, as energetic
as ever. Mulder's touch was as calming as ever and by the time we
reached the kids I was feeling relaxed again, though mentally kicking
myself for both panicking so much and for not paying enough attention
to all of the kids in the first place. 

I drew a deep breath. "So, what's for lunch?"

Jacqueline looked up. "Bagels from this morning, some apples, some
cheese crackers, and mineral water," she announced. "Plus there's a few
hazelnut cookies left from yesterday."

We settled down at the table, Mulder and I on one side, Joshua and
Jacqueline on the other, and Astrid skipping around from one side to
the other, babbling cheerfully about the castle she and Joshua had
built in the sandbox and the other numerous achievements of the
morning.
I must admit that I wasn't really paying that much attention to her.
Mulder and I were sitting closely together - and I mean *really* close
together. We sat in comfortable silence as we ate, occasionally
offering each other a bite of something. I let myself enjoy the thrill
that ran through me when Mulder's lips brushed my fingers. There was
something about the danger of it, of crossing that line we'd danced
along for so long, that made me feel alive.
Joshua and Astrid ran off as soon as they'd eaten enough, racing over
to the play equipment, playing some sort of make-believe game in a
small, toadstool-shaped house. As I watched them, it occurred to me for
the first time that they seemed almost oblivious to the other children.
I watched curiously for a moment, then asked Jacqueline, "Did Joshua
and Astrid ever associate with other children their own age?"

Jacqueline shook her head. "Not really. When Astrid was two there were
a couple of children - the sons of one of the researchers - who were
brought in as playmates, to see how well she reacted in a social
situation. But she'd just become so used to having people around her
all the time observing but not interacting that she'd ignore them,
becoming oblivious. Especially when it came to these other children -
she didn't know how to communicate with them because she was so
mentally advanced, so after a few attempts, she gave up trying. It's
only because she's known Joshua since he was a baby that she accepts
him, just like she accepts me."

I nodded slowly, returning my gaze to the playground. "It's a pity," I
murmured. "They should have friends their own ages."

"That's the problem with having such advanced intelligence levels,"
Jacqueline said quietly. "You're not entirely a kid but nobody accepts
you as an adult either."

"Sounds like you're speaking from the heart," Mulder observed quietly.
I was thankful that he wasn't being sarcastic. 

Jacqueline chuckled self-consciously, standing and brushing some crumbs
from her jacket. "I'm going to go -" She indicated the play area and I
nodded.

"You forgiven her yet?" I asked softly when we were alone.

Mulder shrugged. "Yeah, I guess." He cleared his throat. "Actually," he
said hesitantly, "I've been thinking about what you said - about her
only being able to work on emotions that already exist."

I swallowed, suddenly uncomfortable. More than anything else I didn't
want us to get into an argument, and I had a feeling that this
conversation would definitely cause tension. I hated tension. And,
frankly, I wasn't in the mood for any more deep and meaningful
conversations at the moment. We were enjoying ourselves. Why did he
have to dredge this up? 
"And?" I asked reluctantly.

He met my gaze, so intense, so sobered. "We need to decide."

For a second I couldn't find my voice, my throat had gone dry. "Decide
what?"

"What we are. Where our relationship is going... how far. Whether we're
staying just partners, just friends... and it's a great friendship,
Scully. It's amazing. I know neither of us wants to lose it. But I know
that ...I want more."

I nodded, but still had trouble finding the words. "Me too," I said
finally, simply. 

He nodded. "So we'll work from there."

I drew a deep breath, both relieved and terrified by the commitment.
"Yeah."


        - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- SCULLY POV - 

The bus depot was down the street near the airport and car rental
agency, a twenty minute drive away. We arrived there only ten minutes
before our coach was scheduled to leave, Mulder returning the car while
Jacqueline and I organised our luggage, throwing out most of the
remaining food, packing some small snacks into one of the remaining
carry bags. The rest of our bags were stowed away in storage, and it
was only then that I discovered that Mulder had only booked four seats.

"I thought it would be better," he explained. "We don't want to be too
spread out. This way you and Jacqueline can take turns with Joshua on
your lap... Just pretend he's under two, k?"

"Liar, liar," I murmured, rolling my eyes. "Yeah, I think I can handle
that."

We were called to board and I motioned for the kids to come closer to
me, bending down to talk to them. "Okay, now, we're catching this bus
to where Fox and I live, but we're going to pretend that we're a
family, okay? So you call me Mommy, and you call Fox Daddy. Is that all
right?" 

I held my breath, wondering if it was such a wise idea. It was the
safest way, the least conspicuous, or so I kept telling myself. I had
plenty of logical reasons why we were doing it. But I think deep down
we all knew that the real reason was that I just wanted to pretend to
myself that these kids really were mine. I wanted to play families,
just like we'd played as kids. But playing for real, this time.

But Joshua shook his head unhappily. "No," he whispered.

Jacqueline pulled him close to her, ruffling his hair. "Hey, you're my
brave little Josh, aren't you?" she asked encouragingly. "This is a
game of make believe. We have to pretend for a little bit so the bad
men don't find us."

Yeah, that's it. Just so that the bad men don't find us. It meant
nothing more than that.
Joshua nodded reluctantly. Astrid was more enthusiastic. "Can I call
you Mommy all the time, Dana?" she asked happily, eyes shining. What a
precious, amazing child. 

I was touched. I smiled at her, resisting the urge to pull her against
me and smother her in a big maternal hug. I was about to respond when
Mulder gently nudged me. I looked up and saw him shaking his head
slowly and I sighed. He was right, I knew it, but I hated having to
accept it, hated having to hurt this little girl.

"I don't think that would be such a good idea, Astrid," I said finally,
shaking my head. "Just when we're pretending."

Astrid looked downcast and I unhappily reached out to tousle her hair.
"I'm sorry, sweetie." And I really was. Sorry for me but sorry more for
her. I'd seen the way her eyes had lit up when I'd suggested the idea,
I'd seen the wistful way she'd been looking at other kids with their
parents in the park. 

We were the last to board the relatively empty coach, finding two sets
of seats near the back, one in front of the other. 

"Mommy, how long til we get there?" Astrid asked when the engine
started and the bus sprung to life with a cough, turning around in her
seat and kneeling so she could see us over the headrest. The title sent
shivers down my spine and for a second I almost panicked, overwhelmed
by the sudden surge of emotions. Emily, my infertility, even memories
of my childhood, my own mother, all combined packed a powerful punch.

"A few hours," I said reassuringly, my arms tightening around Joshua
who sat squirming in her lap. As long as he kept his mouth shut, it was
easy to pretend he was under two. He and Astrid were both tiny for
their ages, short and skinny little kids. Jacqueline, who was taller
than me, towered over them. "Why don't you try to get some sleep?" I
suggested to Astrid.

I smiled as Jacqueline pulled her sister back down into the seat
properly. "Behave, missy," she warned affectionately. "Don't draw
attention to yourself."

I could hear their exchange through the seat and smiled as I listened,
leaning back in my own seat.
"I'm a grown up," Astrid informed her sister as she settled back into
her seat. "Joshua's still a kid cos he has to sit on Da- Mommy's lap,
but I get a seat all to myself."

"Yeah, you're all grown up, aren't you?" Jacqueline spoke indulgently,
like she were talking to any normal four year old.

"You're my favourite sister, Duckie." She giggled happily.

Jacqueline laughed. "You're my favourite sister too, Astrid."

I stopped straining to listen and focused on Joshua, who was still
struggling to climb out of my lap. I let him go, and he climbed across
to Mulder's lap and settled down with his face pressed against the
window, watching the world go by.
I chuckled as I saw Mulder uncomfortably shift under him, hesitatingly
patting Joshua's head. He threw me an imploring glance, one that
clearly said he didn't know how to deal with the situation, and I
smiled to myself. 

"You're the one who took the windowseat," I reminded him. 

"Swap?" Mulder offered, eyes brightening. He was half-kidding, I knew.
He was good with kids.

I laughed anyway. "Come on, Rob, honey, he *is* your son," I
emphasized. "Talk to him."

Mulder grinned sheepishly. "Yes ma'am," he said briskly. "Joshua?" he
patted him on the shoulder to get his attention. Joshua looked up
warily, silently. Mulder glanced across at me again, helplessly. I
half-smiled, leaning across to whisper in his ear. Mulder's face lit
up. "Hey, Joshua, what can you see outside the window?" he asked
cheerfully.

Leaning back into my seat, I watched as Joshua looked out the window,
then back at Mulder insecurely.

"I can see lots of houses and trees," Mulder said cheerfully. "And
there's some people out there too. What else?"

Joshua glanced out again. "Clouds," he said reluctantly. I grinned to
myself, happy that my plan had worked, and relieved for Mulder's sake.

Mulder grinned. "You like to look at the clouds, do you?" He looked
across at me, beaming like a kid, and I returned the smile. "Can you
ever see animals in the clouds, maybe?" he continued.

Joshua chewed on his lip, pointing out through the tinted window.
"There's a tiger," he pointed slowly, still reluctant.

"A tiger? Wow." Mulder sounded impressed. I bit back a laugh. He was so
wonderfully earnest. "What else?" He listened patiently to Joshua's
answers, which became increasingly confident and eager, though still
relatively short. I watched with a warm smile, reaching out to clasp
Mulder's right hand, holding it affectionately. I needed that touch
between us. And more than that, I wanted it.

Daylight began to fade outside, a brilliant sunset appearing, the sky
streaked orange to pink, trees and landforms black against it.

"That's incredible," I marvelled. It had been a long time since I'd
seen the sun set. Usually all I got was a glimpse of a pink streaked
sky out of my living room window. I lifted the armrest out of the way
so I could lean against Mulder to get a better view out.

Mulder nodded agreement, slipping his right arm around me and pulling
me close. I loved how he did that these days so matter of factly. Just
like he'd always had his hand at the small of my back or brushed the
hair out of my eyes for me, it was a simple, casual touch, a touch that
conveyed affection. We were getting more and more like that with every
day that passed. I didn't let myself wonder, right then, if we'd be
able to stop it when we got back home.

We sat that way for a while, Joshua falling asleep against Mulder, his
thumb in his mouth. Astrid kept kneeling in her seat to talk over the
top to us, beginning almost every sentence with "Mommy" or "Daddy", as
though trying to get as much mileage out of them while she could. It
brought tears to my eyes when she called Mulder "Daddy" and he smiled
up at her indulgently, talking to her teasingly like my dad always used
to do with me. I remembered what I'd told Mulder only a day or two ago,
that he'd make a great father. I'd meant it then and I felt even more
strongly about it now. Seeing him with Josh asleep on his lap as he
talked to Astrid, I wished fervently that he would some day experience
real fatherhood. I could see him crooning a baby to sleep, changing a
diaper, giving a bottle, and I sighed wistfully. I knew that he would
never have that, not as long as he and I were partners. And he and I
would be partners forever, regardless of what our work dictated. We
were like two objects that had been fused together, irrevocably
combined, and I knew then that we couldn't survive apart in this world.
Not when we knew what was out there. 

As I sat watching Mulder with Joshua, Jacqueline sat reading a Stephen
King Mulder had brought along for his own reading on the case, and
dealing with Astrid's constant interruptions and cheerful chatting with
a patient, amused smile. 
Eventually Astrid tired herself out and fell asleep, snoring quietly.
Jacqueline had put her book down, finished, and was staring out the
window pensively. Mulder, also worn out by the days events, was resting
his head against the window, his eyes closed, one arm slipped under
Joshua to stop him from sliding off. I smiled at the sight, knowing
that I simply would not have believed such a thing was possible a week
ago. I'd always had some inherent belief that Mulder disliked children.
Certainly, he never directly came into contact with them - not like me,
with my nieces and nephews and godchildren. It was natural that he was
uncomfortable around them, and the knowledge that he had overcome that
uneasiness made it even more endearing.
I leaned against him, pressing my face against the folds of his thick
knitted sweater and inhaling his scent deeply. It was a smell I knew
intimately, one which always filled me with such affection for him and
confidence. Mulder slipped his arm behind my back, rubbing my side in
small, circular motions. 

I let out a small murmur. "I thought you were asleep."

"Just resting my eyes," Mulder whispered.

"You should get some sleep," I murmured, lowering my voice. "We're all
safe here."

"Yeah, I know," Mulder answered, his fingers stopping their caressing
and resting gently on my stomach. Moments later, the two of us were
asleep. 

        - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- JACQUELINE POV - 

I pulled myself upright in my seat to glance over, smiling when I saw
all three of them asleep. Dana and Fox were so utterly adorable
together like that, and I hoped they both slept the rest of the way.
They both looked exhausted, which didn't surprise me, not after they'd
both been up for most of the night and had about three intense
arguments. The amount of emotion I'd witnessed between the pair of them
was incredible, exhausting just to watch. 
I smiled, settling back down in my own seat, careful not to wake
Astrid. Not that I should have really worried; both Astrid and Joshie
sleep like the dead. 
I glanced around the coach one last time before I settled down to go to
sleep, and I found that the woman sitting across the aisle was smiling
at me. 

"Looks like they've had a long day," she remarked kindly. "Very
well-suited couple."

I smiled. "Yeah, they are."

"They're your parents, are they, dearie?" the woman asked, her tone
friendly and grandmotherly.

That was when my defenses suddenly went up, when I realised that I was
speaking to somebody who could be working for the compound. I knew I
wasn't being overly paranoid. I knew what they were like, and I knew
that this wasn't beyond them. Trust no one, I reminded myself. Ensuring
that my voice was perfectly calm and uninflected, I answered, "Yeah,
they are."

"My daughter-in-law is a redhead too," the woman said amiably. "All her
children took after her, God bless them." She smiled. "You all take
after your father, I see."

I nodded, feeling a momentary stab of depression. I wished that Dana
and Fox were my parents more than anything else in the world, but I
knew I had to be realistic. As attached Dana was getting to the kids -
and even Fox, to some extent - I knew that they were too busy punishing
themselves and trying to save the world to let themselves be happy. It
wasn't a nice thought, it was brutal. But it was how I honestly saw
them.

I'd been wishing uneasily for a distraction and I got one. Astrid
shifted sleepily beside me. "Duckie, how long til we get there?" 

I glanced at my watch. "Only another half hour or so," I assured her.
"You go back to sleep."

Astrid shook herself, sleepily climbing onto my lap. "I don't want to
go back to sleep. Can you read me a story, Duckie?"

I glanced up at the woman across the aisle, but she'd turned her
attention back to a magazine. "Yeah, I'll read you a story," I agreed.
I dug around in the bag at my feet and finally pulled out 'Anne of
Green Gables', opening it and beginning to read aloud to Astrid.

I'd just finished the first chapter when Astrid pulled the book from my
hands. "My turn to read," she announced. She always got bored of just
listening.

"No, Astrid, just let me read..." I protested, trying to take the book
back. Letting a four year old who looked like a three year old read a
book with small print aloud wasn't the best thing if we wanted to stay
low profile, which we did. But Astrid insisted, finding the page we had
finished at and beginning to read. She was only a few sentences into it
when I noticed the woman across the aisle staring at Astrid. I nudged
Astrid, reaching to take the book from her, but once again she pulled
it out of my reach. 

"You're a wonderful reader," the woman said kindly. "How old are you?"

"She's five," I answered quickly.

"Really? Five?" The woman beamed at Astrid. I nudged Astrid and she
nodded, beaming back. 

"Do you go to elementary school, dearie?" 

I felt my nerves starting to fray. This was the first time we'd come
into contact with strangers, and I didn't know if Astrid had enough
sense to play along. Before she could answer, I explained, "She goes
next year. Our mother has been teaching her to read." That sounded
believable enough, I thought, relieved. 

"Oh, I see. That's very nice," the woman smiled.

I smiled back at her tightly, then, finally prising the book from
Astrid's grip, settled back and began reading again.

The rest of the trip was uninterrupted, the woman from across the aisle
smiling as the five of us stood and left the coach. Fox was holding a
still sleeping Josh in his arms and Dana scooped up the once again
sleepy Astrid. Collecting our luggage, they hailed a taxi and we all
piled in, Fox sitting in the front beside the driver and the rest of us
squeezed in the back. We stopped in a dark alley under a flickering
streetlight. I only hoped this wasn't where we were going to stay...


        - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- SCULLY POV - 

Frohike opened the door, jaw dropping. "Jeez, Mulder, you could have
told us you were bringing the family," he muttered. Mulder and I had
turned up at his door with a variety of surprises in the past, but I
guess that this one took the cake.

I pushed past him, supporting Astrid with one arm, holding two bags
with the other. I dropped the bags down along one wall and then gently
lowered Astrid down onto the couch. "We might be a while here," I said
with a sigh. "You try and get back to sleep."

Astrid pulled herself upright, pouting. "Mommy, I'm hungry."

My heart sank. I hated what I had to do. "It's Dana now, remember?" I
reminded her. I silently cursed myself, wishing I hadn't suggested it
in the first place, that we hadn't given this child something only to
take it away. It was unfair, it was so unfair.

Astrid nodded in unwilling agreement and I patted her on the head.
"I'll see if I can get you and Josh something to eat, okay?"

Astrid gave her brother a hug in greeting as he was dropped down on the
couch beside her, rubbing his eyes sleepily.

"You kids don't touch anything, hear me?" Mulder warned. I couldn't
blame him for his stern tone. We were both fully aware of all the many
not-so-childsafe objects left laying around the room.

He turned, his hand resting on my back as we returned to Jacqueline,
who was standing awkwardly just inside the door, stared at by Frohike,
Byers and Langly.

"Guys, remember that info you were sent about the Genesis Project?
Well, meet your source," Mulder announced, indicating Jacqueline.

She stared at the three men. They stared back.
"*You're* the ones I was contacting?" Jacqueline asked in disbelief.

"But you're only a kid," Byers said, surprised.

"I'm almost sixteen," Jacqueline retorted indignantly.

"Wait a second..." Frohike stared at her, then at her siblings, slowly
realising. "You mean that *you're* the kids who were..." He shook his
head. "Incredible."

"How did you find out how to contact us?" Langly asked eagerly, pulling
out a small tape recorder. Mulder reached out to push it down. 

"No," he warned. "You're putting yourselves at risk."

Frohike whistled. "This is big, huh?"

Jacqueline ignored Frohike. "Somebody brought a copy of your newsletter
into the compound - just one of the researchers. I think he said that
his brother was subscribed... They thought it was amusing." She
shrugged apologetically as the gunmen looked indignant. "Anyway, for
the first time I realised I had someone I could contact about what was
going on - someone interested in the truth."

The gunmen all shrugged modestly.
"This *is* big," Frohike muttered.

Langly and Byers agreed, and soon the three of them had launched into
an indepth conversation, Mulder listening intently and adding the
occasional comment. I just stood there the whole time, feeling
completely worn out, far too tired to follow their rapid conversation.

"Uh, I hate to interrupt, but is there any chance you guys have any
food? The kids are kinda hungry," I interrupted finally.

"Fridge is over there," Frohike gestured. "Help yourself."

I approached it warily, fully expecting it to be like Mulder's fridge,
or worse, if such a thing were possible. I was pleasantly surprised to
find it not only well supplied, but neatly arranged, leftovers in
marked plastic containers. I felt instinctively that it must be Byers'
work - neither Frohike or Langly were neat or patient enough to have
done the task. I sorted through, finding a loaf of bread and some cream
cheese. Jacqueline joined me as she started to make the sandwiches,
pulling out another butter knife and cutting the sandwiches into small
triangles. 

"They're talking about Rodger and Cate," she said finally. "Fox wants
to find their murderer."

"You don't sound too happy about that," I noted, glancing up at her.

Jacqueline bit her lip. "I'm not," she admitted. "I just want to forget
about them."

"Do you think you even could?" I asked gently. I felt sure she
couldn't. Didn't she want justice for what had happened?

"I want to," Jacqueline answered simply. "I want to just start
everything fresh." She dropped the sandwiches on plastic plates and
carried them across to her siblings, talking quietly as they sat
obediently on the couch. I followed her over, kneeling beside the
couch.

"Dana, when are we going to your home?" Astrid asked hopefully between
bites.

"As soon as Fox and I have finished talking to our friends," I assured
her, summoning up a tired smile.

"What are your friends names?" Astrid asked curiously. "They're funny
looking."

I bit back a laugh. That was a bit of an understatement. "Well, the
tall one's name is... Byers. The one with the long blond hair is
Langly, and the shorter one is Frohike."

Astrid giggled. "They've got funny sounding names too!"

I couldn't disagree with that one either, but I shushed her anyway,
smiling. "That's not a very nice thing to say, is it, sweetie?"

Astrid looked puzzled. "But it's true," she insisted. "Are they their
last names or first names? Cos my last name's kinda funny - Moss. It's
a type of plant."

"You're a very clever little girl, Astrid," I said softly, reaching out
to pat her on the head.

"So are they their first names or last names?" Astrid repeated
curiosly.

"Last names," I answered quickly. I smiled at her again, then stood,
murmuring, "You stay here and keep an eye on them," as I passed
Jacqueline. Not that she wouldn't, I suppose. 
I joined Mulder, Langly, Byers and Frohike where they stood, staring
down at where they'd spread out all the data Jacqueline had sent
through to them. Out of habit, Mulder slipped his arm around my waist.
It took me a few seconds to notice the action - it was now so natural
and comfortable that I didn't feel it was anything out of the ordinary,
but once I did notice it I felt it was both dangerous and conspicious.
I pried his hand off my waist and moved apart from him, throwing him a
warning glance. We'd gotten into dangerous habits and now we were back
on home turf we just had to be very, very careful. 

"What's the situation on my apartment?" I asked abruptly. The three men
looked up at me.

"It's all clear, at least as far as we can see. I'd say it's safe,"
Frohike reported.

"Yeah, we swept for bugs this morning," Langly added. "Found none."

"So we're safe to stay there?" I asked hopefully, tired. I didn't want
anything more than to just go home and crash in bed. The idea of
spending the night here or at Mulder's place... I shuddered
involuntarily, pressing my lips closer together. Some days I could
handle the idea of that a lot better than others. 

"As far as we can tell," Byers shrugged. "We can't be certain, of
course."

"Yeah, of course," I muttered, unsettled. I turned to Mulder. "Are we
ready to go home?" I asked impatiently.

Mulder laid his hand on my shoulder. I didn't shrug it off. "Soon," he
said comfortingly.

Langly went over to the black and white monitor that featured
surveillance of the street outside. "You guys didn't drive here?"

"Took a cab," I said absently, my eyes ranging over the printed data.
It felt like forever since we'd first seen it. I shook myself. "Can I
use your phone to call for another?"

"Hey, it's okay, Scully... we'll give you guys a lift home," Byers
assured me quickly, glancing across at his two collegues before
returning his earnest gaze to me.

"You sure?" I asked doubtfully. "It's just as easy for us to get a
cab..."

"We'll do another sweep for bugs," Frohike explained. He swept up the
pages of data and slipped them back into a locked box, which he in turn
put in a small safe. Talk about paranoia. "We're all set to go," he
announced.

        - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- SCULLY POV - 

The ride to my apartment was short. Jacqueline and I were settled in
the back seat of the van, each with a sleeping child on our laps.

"I could really get used to this," I admitted softly, stroking Astrid's
hair. What I really wanted to say was simply, 'I want this in my life',
but I didn't dare. I couldn't voice it aloud because then I'd no longer
be able to deny it in my own mind.

"I thought you..." Jacqueline bit her lip uncomfortably before forging
ahead, "You said that you had a daughter, Emily..."

I stared out the window at the passing city. "Yeah, I did," I admitted.
Maybe by then I'd run out of emotions, because my voice was
surprisingly quiet and calm, resigned. "She died only a few days after
I first met her..."

"But how could -" Jacqueline broke off, frowning. After a moment she
asked softly, "Was she... like us?"

I nodded slowly. "Kinda. She was an experiment, like you. But she was
brought up in a real family... her adopted parents loved her." I paused
before adding softly, "I loved her."

"How did she die?" Jacqueline asked gently.

I chewed on my lip, letting my eyes flood with tears, smiling
unhappily. "She had a disease... she wasn't as perfect as you three
are. She had ...flaws. And I can't help but think that maybe if I
hadn't intervened, her father wouldn't have died... and she wouldn't
have died." That was the first time I'd ever voiced that guilt, and
after turning it over in my mind night after night as I tried to sleep,
it was almost a relief. I sighed softly as I realised that we'd arrived
at my place.

As we all climbed out of the van, I felt that soothing rush of
familiarity, the comfort of knowing that, finally, I was home. It
reminded me of so many moments when I'd returned home after a hard
case, after a long hospital stay, or after spending hours at Mulder's
bedside, leaving only when assured of his survival.

Mulder entered my apartment first, weapon drawn, cautiously switching
on the lights. He was followed by the lone gunmen, arms full of
equipment and luggage, and finally Jacqueline and I with the kids. As
the guys went around the apartment, running metal-sensing wands over
everything, I pulled out all my spare blankets and pillows and started
making up beds. 

"You've got a nice apartment," Jacqueline said softly as she and I
dressed a sleepy Astrid and Joshua in their pajamas in my bedroom.
"It's ...homey."

"It's my home," I said simply. There had been times in the past whenI'd
virtually lived at Mulder's place and felt more at home there. I'd even
crashed in his bed a few times after a late night reviewing a case. But
that had all changed after that case with the writer. I'd barely been
there at all since then.

There was a knock at the door and it was opened a crack. "Hey, Scully,
can we sweep in here now?" Langly called.

I stood, picking up Astrid, and opened the door, letting the four men
stream in. Out in my living room, Jacqueline and I tucked the kids into
the makeshift beds on the floor. The kids deserved a decent bed, but
that was the best I could offer. I consoled myself with the fact that
it was like a mini sleepover as I switched off the room light and
turned on the lamp beside the couch, providing a soft yellow glow.
As Jacqueline bent down beside her siblings to say goodnight, I heard a
small beeping sound from my bedroom. I hastily whispered a goodnight
and entered my bedroom, pausing just inside the doorway and watching
the scene curiously. Frohike and Mulder were arguing about something,
and Mulder was looking increasingly angry.

"You keep your hands out of there," he was warning Frohike.

"Mulder, somebody's gotta check it," Frohike retorted.

"Then I will," Mulder said exasperatedly. 

Frohike chuckled. "Yeah, you would."

I frowned. It looked like this was going to end up as an all out brawl
and I had no desire for that, particularly not at this time of night.
Besides, I was curious to find out what Mulder was getting so angry
for. I cleared my throat. "Uh, guys?"
Frohike and Mulder turned to look at me with sheepish smiles. 
"What's going on in here?"

"We think there's a bug in your..." Frohike coughed apologetically,
"lingerie drawer."

I curbed a smile. "I'll take care of it," I said dismissively. I pulled
the drawer open and was about to start sifting through it when I
realised that Mulder was still standing behind me, watching me. Giving
him my most pointed look, he jolted, muttering a quick apology and
quickly exited the room behind the gunmen. I rolled my eyes with a
faint smile and began sifting through the drawer, emerging from my
bedroom a few minutes later holding a small pendant.

"I've been wondering where I lost this," I observed.

Mulder, Langly, Frohike and Byers looked up from positioning movement
sensors on either side of her front door. "No bug?" Frohike asked,
sounding almost disappointed. 

I shook my head. "No bug. Are you guys almost finished up? It's late
and I want to get some sleep before work tomorrow."

"Almost done," Byers assured me.

"Just gotta do your windows," Langly added.

I sighed, dropping down into one of my kitchen chairs as the men
disappeared again into my bedroom. Jacqueline, who had been hovering
around watching them, came and sat down opposite me, yawning. "These
guys are real techs, huh?" she asked curiously. "Where'd they get all
the equipment from?"

I shrugged. "I wouldn't want to know."

"Are we going to be safe here, Dana?" she asked me, quieter.

"I hope so," I sighed, feeling my stomach writhing. "I can't guarantee
anything."

We both jumped as we heard a loud wailing alarm from the next room. It
stopped after a few seconds.

"What was that?" Jacqueline asked, hesitantly uncovering her ears.

"Dana?" A small voice came from the huddle of blankets on the living
room floor.

"Just testing," Langly called from the bedroom.

"That's what's going to wake us up in the middle of the night," I
grimaced. "It'd wake the dead. My neighbors are going to kill me." I
moved across to where Astrid and Joshua were now wide awake, clinging
to each other. I was pleasantly surprised that Astrid had called for me
rather than Jacqueline. 
"It's okay," I reassured them. "It was just Langly being silly."

Astrid clambered into my lap, hugging me tightly. "They woke me up,"
she said, pouting. "And Josh too."

"Yeah, I know they did. They'll be going back to their own home soon,
though, and we'll all be able to get some uninterrupted sleep," I
reassured. I slid Astrid off my lap, tucking her back under the
blankets, and then turned to Joshua, who was sitting with his knees
drawn up to his chest, lower lip trembling.
"Hey, there's nothing to be scared of," I said gently. "Fox and I are
going to make sure you're safe."

"I don't like the alarm," Joshua whispered. 

"I don't like it either," I agreed with a slight smile. Was that the
first time I'd gotten a full sentence from him? I patted him on the
back encouragingly. "You get back to sleep now, okay?"

Joshua nodded, wiggling back under the blanket, hugging the cushion
tightly.

"Everything's set!" Frohike announced. Langly and Byers appeared beside
him. The three of them were beaming proudly. 

I stood, glancing across at Jacqueline, who'd been watching me from the
kitchen table. I straightened up a little self-consciously, and
Jacqueline went and knelt beside her brother, talking softly to him. 
I turned to Langly. "How do they work?"

Mulder appeared from my bedroom with an armful of tools. "We just flick
a switch at the back," he explained. "When they register movement the
alarm goes off."

"Loudly," I observed dryly. I tend to get a little sarcastic and tense
when I'm tired.

Mulder grinned, shrugging. "We'll hear it, right?"

I sighed tiredly, pulling back and watching as Langly, Frohike and
Byers left. Mulder closed the door after them, pulling it closed and
locking it as a matter of fact. Turning to face me, he smiled brightly.
"Dinner time?"

I yawned again, glancing at my kitchen clock. "Mulder, it's past two
a.m.," I said disbelievingly. I narrowed my eyes at him. 

Mulder pulled a face. "No wonder I'm so hungry." He strode across to
where my fridge sat in the corner of the kitchen, yanking it open and
considering the contents.

"Mulder, you're letting all the cool air out," I scolded tiredly.
Sleep. Bed. Mmmmmm...

Mulder shrugged apologetically, reaching in and pulling out a paper
package. He held it up, questioning.

"It's ham," I answered with a sigh. Mulder sniffed it hesitantly and I
let out an indignant yelp. "Mulder, I don't have six months old food in
my refridgerator!" I said, offended. I added pointedly, "Unlike some
people."

Mulder, knowing that any protest he made would be a lie, merely
shrugged. "Suit yourself," he muttered. He searched through the fridge
and freezer, pulling out assorted articles, and then settled himself at
my kitchen table. 

I rolled my eyes, watching him as he layed out several slices of bread
and smeared them generously with butter before turning away. "I'm
getting ready for bed."

When I reappeared about five minutes later, dressed in my pajamas and
robe, he was adding the final touches to two sandwiches with the lot. I
paused to to say goodnight to Jacqueline who had settled down with a
blanket on my couch before taking a seat at the kitchen table, opposite
Mulder. "I'm guessing that you're going to clean up this mess?" I 
demanded warningly.

Mulder shrugged, pressing his palm down on the two sandwiches to
compact them. "Eventually."

I shook her head. "Mulder, not eventually. Not when the sprouts begin
to sprout. Tonight."

"You're such a neat freak," Mulder sighed plaintively. 

I stared at him uncompromisingly. "It's *my* apartment, Mulder.
Tonight," I said firmly. I yawned and stood. "I'm going to bed."

"Wait, Scully..." Mulder held up the plate holding the two sandwiches.
He shrugged apologetically. "I made one of them for you."

"For me?" I wasn't sure that I was hearing right. I stared at him as if
he'd just grown another head. "You made one of them for me?"

He nodded, shrugging again. "We didn't get any dinner and so I
thought..." he broke off as I dropped down opposite him again, and he
pushed the plate toward me, taking half a sandwich. "Eat up, Scully,
you're far too thin," he encouraged, smiling.

I rolled my eyes at the comment as I picked up half a sandwich, opening
it up and rifling through the contents suspiciously. I caught Mulder's
gaze and smiled sheepishly. "Sorry."

Mulder chuckled. "You just don't trust a man's cooking, do you?"

"You call this cooking?" I raised an eyebrow playfully. I bit into the
sandwich and tomato juice spilled down my chin. I was about to wipe it
away with the back of my hand when Mulder produced a paper napkin he'd
grabbed from the kitchen counter, wiping away the juice with a strange
smile. I smiled at him self-consciously. "Thanks," I whispered, ducking
my head as I felt myself colouring. He makes me do that a lot these
days, I thought.

He grinned at me. "Just for you, partner."

I smiled again, rolling my eyes at my own reaction, and continuing to
eat. 

"So, what's our story to Skinner?" I asked between bites. "We're going
to have to file a report tomorrow... we're also going to have to
explain our expenses for the last few days, particularly the coach back
to DC..."

Mulder shrugged. "Haven't figured that one out yet," he admitted. "We
could always tell him the truth, of course."

"Do you think we can trust him with the truth?" I asked seriously.

Mulder was about to answer, then bit his lip hesitantly. "I can't
honestly be sure," he admitted. "I thought we knew him and could trust
him, and that we was our ally... but lately I'm not so sure."

"Someone's got a gun to his head," I murmured contemplatingly. I took
another bite and chewed slowly. "You can just tell. He wants to help
us, but he can't." I shook myself, taking one last bite out of the
second half of my sandwich before putting it down. "Sorry, Mulder, but
I'm well and truly full," I announced regretfully.

"You didn't like it?" Mulder looked genuinely crestfallen and I stood
at his side, ruffling his hair affectionately. 

"It was delicious, Mulder," I assured him, feeling like a mother
praising a five year old.

Mulder grinned slyly. "Kiss the cook?" he asked, eyebrows raised.

I rolled my eyes. "I'm not even going to dignify that with a response,
Mulder," I warned. I half-smiled as I reached the door. "Besides, I
thought we'd already discussed this. Making a sandwich does not
classify as cooking."

As I finished getting ready for bed I heard him pottering around out in
the kitchen. Sliding into my bed and finally letting myself relax, I
closed my eyes and listened as Mulder prepared for bed. They were very
pleasant, homey sounds, and I smiled sleepily to myself. I was starting
to drift off when I heard a gentle knock on my door. Half asleep, I
lifted my head and looked up at him through half-closed lids.
He'd changed into the baggy checkered pants I'd seen him wearing as
pajamas before, and he'd left on the grey t-shirt he'd worn during the
day. His chin was dark with stubble and his eyes were blinking
sleepily.
The thought "God, he's sexy" flew through my mind, and I woke up a
little, surprised that I'd even thought such a thing. I shook my head
and let myself fall back into the mattress. Sleep. Must sleep.

"Hey, Scully?" I let one eye open lazily and I looked at him. He was
still standing in my doorway, looking at me. I closed my eye again,
pulling my covers over my head.

"What is it?" I mumbled. 

"Where am I going to sleep?"

Oh. I hadn't thought of that. I pulled the covers off from over my head
slowly and looked at him sleepily. "Uhhhh..." I began uncertainly. 
I honest to God just hadn't thought of that. I guess subconsciously I'd
just assumed that we'd share the bed, just like we had been the last
few nights. I'd never admit that I'd assumed that, of course. Well, not
that it wasn't obvious now.

I shrugged, dropping down under the covers again and reaching out an
arm to pat the bed beside me. "Just so long as we don't have to spoon
up and sleep like little baby cats," I mumbled. I would *not* turn this
into anything dramatic. We'd slept close together on past occasions,
and despite the recent changes in our relationship, we would be able to
handle this just fine.

"Would I be that obnoxious?" I could hear the grin in his voice.

"Stop grinning and get into bed before I change my mind and make you
sleep on the floor without any pillow or blanket," I threatened
sleepily, my eyes still closed.

I heard Mulder quietly setting the sensor alarm for my bedroom window.
"Would we be mentioning this in our report to Skinner?" he asked
innocently.

"Mulder, quit being so obnoxious and -" I yawned, "just get into bed.
We had to share my bed in Kansas, remember?" It wasn't like he could
forget something like that, could he?

"We're not in Kansas anymore," Mulder whispered, dropping down onto the
bed and kneeling beside me, his mouth near my ear. 

I stifled a small, tired chuckle. "Yes we are, Mulder."

He still resisted. "If you're out of blankets I could drive to my place
and get some and then come back here and -"

I pushed the covers off, sitting up and glaring at him.
"Mulder, stop stalling," I said crossly. "I'm calling bluff to all your
little jokes, your innuendos, you get it? So get into bed. I want to
get at least *some* sleep tonight." 
I guess maybe I should have seen what he was doing. All his little
jokes should have set off some warning in my brain. Mulder was nervous.

He peeled back the covers and slid in, hesitatingly reaching across
under the covers to touch my arm. Too sleepy to want to deal with it, I
pushed him away. "Keep to your own side or you'll be sleeping on the
floor, no blankets or not," I muttered. "Understood?"
It wasn't that I didn't want to go to sleep in Mulder's arms. That
wasn't it at all. The fact was that I did want to get some sleep, and I
knew that if I could feel Mulder's hands on me, it would make sleep a
lot less possible. That, and I was far too tired to deal with whatever
emotions his touch would evoke. 

He shrugged, stretching out his long frame, his fingers interlaced and
resting on top of his head. "Understood," he agreed. "Goodnight,
Scully."

I was surprised that he gave in so easily, but I let out a satisfied
murmur nonetheless, burrowing down further into the covers. I allowed
myself a small smile as one of Mulder's arms stretched to rest gently
on my head. "'Night, Mulder," I whispered.

        - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- MULDER POV -

I wasn't going to argue with her. Actually, after all the drama of the
past few days, it was nice to just lie there, close to her. But I
hadn't anticipated the effect that such an idea would have on my
nerves. 
I'm not generally a nervous sort of guy, I want to set that straight
right now. But the truth was that I was scared shitless about sharing
the bed with her. Her bed. I think that was the biggest problem for me.
Sure, I'd slept in her bed once or twice, drugged, delirious, hungover,
whatever. But to sleep in *her* bed while she slept beside me... I
didn't trust myself not to take advantage of the situation. I hated
myself for all the thoughts that flowed into my mind as I lay there,
hated it because Scully was so innocent as she lay asleep, because I
wasn't like that. But there was something about her, that as she lay
asleep, forehead uncreased, lips slightly open, that calmed my fears of
unworthiness, reassured me. I was flooded with such immense gratitude
as I lay watching her sleep. That Scully, my Scully, was alive today
was a miracle, and I was overwhelmingly grateful for it. 
She fell asleep only a few minutes after I slipped in beside her and I
watched her as she slept. How long, I don't know. I can sit there for
hours, watching as she twitches a little in her sleep, listening to her
breathe. God knows I've done that, sneaking into her hospital room
after visiting hours, staying over at her place while she recuperated
from her latest physical trauma and ending up falling asleep kneeling
beside her bed. I loved to be there while she slept just as much as I
loved to be there during the day, listening to her stubborn arguments,
watching as her eyebrow rose higher and higher, silently celebrating
when a comment I made got a smile out of her.

I slid a little closer to her in the bed, kissing my fingertips lightly
and then brushing them across her cheek. 
We slept side by side.

        - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- SCULLY POV - 

An alarm woke us, jolted us awake with loud, high-pitched beeps that
seemed to shoot through my body. I began to panic, and was half out of
bed before the truth of the situation sank in and I fell back, heaving
a sigh of relief. It was my alarm clock, not one of the motion sensors.
Thank God, thank God, thank God. 
I groaned, pulling myself back under the covers next to Mulder and
stretching an arm out to find the snooze button. Mission accomplished,
I closed my eyes, letting sleep wash over me again, numbing my mind and
my body.

It was a lot brighter outside when I woke again. The sun was streaming
through my window, hitting me in the face and almost blinding me. I
pulled myself upright and checked my alarm clock - 9:21. We'd both
slept through the second wake-up call. I half-tumbled off the bed and
ran into the bathroom, starting the shower. My brain was still numb
with sleep and it took me a while to actually remember Mulder, still
asleep in my bed. I ran back to my room and found him spread out under
the covers, that goofy, sleepy smile on his face. I didn't know what to
make of that so I just ignored it, and started shaking him awake.

"Mulder, wake up!" It took a few minutes of persistent shaking for the
normally alert and responsive Mulder to wake up.

"Hey, Scully," he murmured sleepily. He gave me a goofy, mischievious
grin. "Was it as good for you as it was for me?"

I rolled my eyes. Typical smart-assed Mulder comment. "We overslept,
Mulder. We're late for work."

Mulder looked lazily across at the alarm clock then groaned, drawing
himself upright. "Damn..." he mumbled.

"You wake the kids up. I'll be in the shower," I said quickly as I dug
out some underwear. I pushed past him, grabbing my robe up off the
floor, feeling that my life had lost all order and control.


        - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- MULDER POV - 

I found Jacqueline and her siblings sitting quietly watching TV in the
living room.
"Not so bad, huh?"

"We're watching a documentary on earthquakes," Astrid informed me
cheerfully. 

I nodded, wondering vaguely what they all thought of me. I opened the
fridge and pulled out a carton of orange juice and was about to drink
from the carton when I caught Jacqueline's disapproving gaze. I 
shrugged. Fine. Scully would disapprove too, and I didn't want to get
on Scully's bad side. I pulled a glass from one of the kitchen
cupboards and poured right to the rim... and over. Damn. As I grabbed a
handful of paper napkins to wipe up the mess I felt somebody tugging at
the leg of my pajama pants. It was Joshua.
"What?" I asked irritably.

Joshua shrank back and I cursed myself. Great going, Mulder. Kids are
really gonna respond when you snap at them. Setting down the glass of
juice, I lifted the kid up and sat him on the small section of kitchen
counter beside the sink. "Sorry, ...sport." I added the nickname
hesitantly; it reminded me of all dad's apologies after he'd missed yet
another one of my baseball games. Sorry, sport, but work called. Money
doesn't grow on trees, you know. 
I shook the thought away, knowing how useless anger and resentment was
now, and tried to smile supportively. 
"What's up?"

"May I please have some orange juice, Fox?" Joshua asked shyly. He
looked almost... scared of me. What am I, some sort of monster? I
didn't think I was that bad. 

I picked up the glass I'd poured for myself, deliberated for a moment,
then tipped a portion of it down the sink before passing it to Joshua
with a smile as reassuring and gentle as I could get it. I heard the
shower stop and patted the kid on the head as he held the glass with
two hands, sipping cautiously. "Catch you later."

I went into Scully's bedroom to find the clothes I'd folded lazily last
night, colliding with Scully in the doorway as I exited.
"Be careful, Mulder," she said shortly, pulling her robe closer around
her. She pulled open the closet door and began to search through all
the hanging clothes, muttering as she did so.

I wondered what I'd done to get such a snippy tone. Maybe she was just
in a hurry, impatient to get to work. 
I think it took her a few moments to realise that I was still standing
there, watching her. She turned. "What?" she snapped. "Mulder, we're
late, hurry up!"

"I need to stop by my apartment and get myself a clean suit," I said,
half-shrugging apologetically. "You drop me off and I'll drive my own
car to work - less suspicious."

I watched as Scully fished a cream-coloured suit out of the closet. She
held it up against her in the mirror, then shrugged. I could tell she
was wondering if it still fitted, and I was kinda curious about that
too. I hadn't seen her wearing that for a year, maybe longer. Lately
she'd been into darker colors, more strict and uncompromising. Black,
black and black. Not that she didn't look gorgeous in black - no less
than she did in any other colour, except maybe red. I've always had a
thing for Scully in red... 

I didn't realise that I was still staring at her, but she did. She
turned and stared at me. "Mulder, get in the shower, now!"

And with that, she pushed me out of the room.

        - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- SCULLY POV -

I rolled my eyes at my disheveled reflection in the mirror. Normally my
physical appearance could pass muster even after the most sleepless of
nights, but after last night, and the nights before of short sleep
shifts, I looked terrible. I looked terrible and I felt pretty terrible
too. My sleep-in this morning hadn't made me feel any less tired. I
felt sluggish and unfit. What I would have done to be able to go for a
long run, wake myself up and get some fresh air. 
I sighed. That wasn't an option, so I had to fall back on makeup. 

I pounded on the bathroom door. "Mulder, are you done in there yet?" I
demanded. The shower had stopped a few minutes ago and I knew that
Mulder was a pretty quick dresser. He opened the door, moving aside to
let me slide past. 

"All yours," he announced. 

I was grateful for his quick response, but I growled when I saw the
mess he'd left the bathroom in. "Mulder, housekeeping's not going to
turn up and clean up after you," I warned him, picking up his discarded
t-shirt and throwing it at him. "And neither am I."

Mulder looked indignant. "Hey, I'm not the one leaving my underwear
lying around!" he retorted. He dangled a white bra and I recognised it
as the one I'd worn yesterday.

I tried to snatch it from his hands but he pulled it away teasingly. 
"Mulder, give it up, it's not your size," I said dryly, holding out a
hand for it. No way was I going to rise to the bait.

"Not until you apologise for being slovenly," Mulder said decisively,
giving me a teasing smile.

"Mulder, it's my apartment!" I protested, indignant even though I knew
he was just teasing. "It was almost three a.m. and I was tired and -
it's *my* apartment."

"Not until you apologise for being slovenly," Mulder repeated,
grinning.

I rolled my eyes, giving him an unwavering smile. "I'm not going to
apologise, Mulder." He could keep it for all I cared. I shook my head,
then pushed past him, searching for my concealer among my neat
arrangements of bottles and tubes sitting beside the basin. He
continued to watch me challengingly as I began to apply my makeup and I
finally turned to face him, hands on my hips. "Mulder, have you told
the kids what's happening yet?"

Mulder shook his head reluctantly. I gave him a shove. "Go tell them.
We're leaving in two minutes."

"I'm not ready to go yet," Mulder protested.

I rolled my eyes exasperatedly. "Just go *somewhere*, Mulder!"

"There's no magic left in this relationship," Mulder announced
melodramatically as he finally left me in peace.


        - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- JACQUELINE POV - 

I watched Dana and Fox as they rushed around the apartment, collecting
together case files and getting ready to leave. Dana ran through all
her instructions to me, to keep all the sensors active all day, that
her spare weapon was hidden in the bottom drawer of the bureau near the
door, there were spare towels in the linen closet if we wanted a bath
or shower, that the dirty clothes went in the hamper beside the toilet,
there was food in the fridge when they got hungry, the emergency
numbers were beside the phone, Fox's cel phone number was on the
speed-dial...

"We'll be fine, Dana, honestly," I reassured her with an ironic smile.
"I've been looking after these kids since I was eleven, remember?"

Dana smiled apologetically as she stopped at the front door. "Have fun,
and don't -"

"Forget to turn the sensor back on, I know, I know," I grinned. "Stop
fussing, Dana."

"I just want you to be safe, that's all," she gave me a small,
apologetic shrug, then smiled. "See you tonight."

I grinned as Dana finally shut the door after herself. I turned to
Astrid and Josh, smiling brightly. "I think it's bath time!" I
announced. It had been a couple of days since they'd had a proper wash.

Astrid clapped happily. "Bubbles too?" she asked hopefully, hugging
around my neck.

"If Dana's got some," I agreed. "I'm sure she wouldn't mind if we
borrowed a little bit of bubble bath."

"She'll have some," Josh said quietly. He looked up with a shy smile
and I ruffled his hair.

"Let's go check," I said agreeably, smiling. "You haven't been wrong
yet."


The three of us were settled on the couch reading Anne of Green Gables
when Dana and Fox returned that night, laden with takeout. They seemed
a lot less stressed than they had in the morning, especially Dana, who
I assured quickly that our day had passed smoothly, and then scolded
for breaking a lunch date with her mother.

"Oh God, I forgot," Dana realised. "That was supposed to be this
morning." Then she looked at me sharply. "How did you know about that?
You didn't answer any phone calls -"

Paranoid, paranoid, paranoid. "Relax, Dana," I laughed. "She just
called and left a message on your machine. She wants you to ring her
when you can..."

Dana nodded. "Yeah, I know the drill..." She smiled sheepishly. "I've
missed a lot of lunch dates with my Mom in the past, it's nothing new."

I raised an eyebrow, nodding. That was hardly surprising. From what I'd
gleaned from the two of them about their commitment to their work, and
what I'd seen of their social lives, or lack thereof, I'd kinda
gathered that they had a habit of putting their work top priority. I
felt kinda sorry for Dana's mom, though. She'd sounded nice.
Disappointed, but nice.

I watched as Astrid and Josh tried to help Mulder unpack the takeout.
They were smelling and touching and tasting everything they could get
their hands on, and Fox eventually shooed them away. I watched him move
around Dana's kitchen, pulling plates from cupboards and cutlery from
drawers. He knew where everything was and moved around as though he was
at home. I wondered how much time he spent over here. How many nights
had they shared dinner at this table, just the two of them?

Dinner was... fun, strangely enough. Maybe because it was Friday night
and we were settled safely in Dana's apartment, but we all seemed so
much more relaxed. Dana and Fox were settled at opposite ends of the
table, which I thought was unusual after all the meals they'd spent
lately sitting closely side by side. Maybe they just wanted some space
to themselves. They seemed happy enough as they related some of their
more amusing cases, and I couldn't tell whether they were exaggerating
or not. I have a feeling they weren't. I told them about the practical
joker who had reigned at the compound for almost a year before finally
being sent away on the explanation that all employees of the Genesis
Project must be dedicated to and serious about their work. I ommitted
mention of the fact that that particular employee had died in a car
accident two days after being dismissed. That sort of abrupt, blunt
violence didn't exactly fit into the light-hearted conversation.


        - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- SCULLY POV - 

After dinner Mulder took the car and drove to his apartment to pack
more clothing for himself for the next two days. We hadn't yet
discussed our plans for the future, but I could see he was determined
not to let me take the load all by myself. I could see, and I was
grateful, not only because he was sticking by me in this, but because
he did it without me even needing to ask him. When he returned, the
four of us were settled down on the couch, Joshua sitting on
Jacqueline's lap on one side of me, and Astrid craning to see on the
other as I flipped through my photo album.
"See, this one here is me when I was about Joshua's age," I said
softly. I flipped a few pages. "And I was about four in this shot...
that's my sister Melissa beside me."

"What are you doing in this picture, Dana?" Astrid asked impatiently,
pointing to a photo of a very young me holding a small yellow chick
carefully in my hands, beaming up at the camera.

I smiled to myself. "We were at a petting zoo. I can remember that
Missy kept complaining about the smell... but I didn't care about the
smell, I loved the animals."

"What's a petting zoo?" Joshua asked, puzzled.

I sighed, reaching out to ruffle his hair. "You've never been to a zoo,
Josh?"

Joshua shook his head, his expression lost, as though he was aware he
was missing out on something but unsure on whether or not he should be
unhappy about it.

"I know what a zoo is," Astrid announced, tugging at my sleeve. "It's
where they keep lots of animals so they don't just run around all the
place."

I smiled sadly. I pitied these kids as much as I admired them. They'd
been deprived of a real childhood and I hated the people who had done
that to them. "Yeah, that's kinda what a zoo is."

"But a lot of the animals in the zoos wouldn't be running all around
the place in the city anyway," Astrid went on informatively, "because
some of them are almost extinct and so there aren't many left and
that's why they're in zoos, so that they don't become extinct."

"Astrid," I asked suddenly. "What's twelve times eight?"

Astrid yawned. "It's ninety-six," she said, clearly impatient with the
sudden change of subject. "Dana, did you have fun when you went to the
zoo?"

"Yeah, I did," I said softly. I let the photo album slide completely
onto Jacqueline's lap, where she and Joshua continued to study it.
"Astrid," I said earnestly, "Do you understand that you're special?"

"I'm special coz now that Duckie and Josh and I get to live with you,
right, Dana?" Astrid beamed at me.

I shook my head slightly, refusing to deal with the emotions that
statement evoked there and then. "No, sweetie, I mean... do you realise
that you're a better thinker than other children your age?"

Astrid shrugged. "Other kids my age are dumb," she said offhandedly.

I sighed. "Astrid, those other kids aren't dumb, they're just different
to you. You're special because people made you to be extra smart. You
understand what I'm saying, don't you?"

Astrid shrugged again. "I've got a really high IQ, even higher than
Duckie's." She grinned proudly.

"Higher than Jacqui's?" I was surprised by that. Astrid, apart from
occasional bouts of shrewd judgement and abilities beyond her age,
hadn't really appeared to have that same maturity as Jacqueline.
Jacqueline acted twice her age. Astrid acted as the four year old she
was.

Astrid nodded. "Yu-huh. Cept she knows more coz she's older than me."

"Yeah, she is," I agreed softly with a wistful smile. I glanced across
at Mulder as he stood against the wall, arms crossed, and found that he
was watching me. Murmuring an excuse, I pulled myself up off the couch
and joined him. "Hey," I said softly in greeting.

Mulder smiled at me. "Hey," he responded, reaching down to take my
hand. "You looked like you were enjoying yourself there," he observed.

I nodded slowly. "Yeah, I was," I admitted. I didn't want to retract my
hand but I did. "What are we going to do now?"

Mulder shrugged slowly, watching the kids. "I honestly don't know," he
admitted sombrely. He stifled a yawn and I looked at him, a little
amused.

"Bedtime already, Mulder?" I teased gently.

Mulder shrugged, yawning again. "All that paper-pushing has me
exhausted," he said dryly.

"Cheer up, the worst is yet to come," I smiled at him, patting him on
the arm affectionately. 

He chuckled quietly. "I'm getting an early night, 'kay?"

I was surprised, but I nodded. "Sure. I'll come to bed in a while." 
I almost shivered as I realised how naturally the words had slid off my
tongue. Was it wrong for us to be living like this?

If Mulder found my choice of words notable he didn't comment. As he
trudged off into my bedroom I returned to the couch where the kids were
still going through my photo album. I dropped down next to Jacqueline
again, pulling Astrid into my lap. She wrapped her arms around me
affectionately.
"Dana, how come there's no pictures of you and Fox in there?" she asked
curiously.

I smiled slightly. "I've only known Fox for a few years, Astrid. The
photo album was all filled up before I met him."

"Do you have any photos of you and Fox anywhere?" Astrid prodded.

I was a little puzzled. "Why do you want to know, Astrid?"

She shrugged. "Dunno, just wanted to." She shrugged again. "Dana, what
did you and Fox do today?"

"We went to work," I said, my tone as cheerful as I could make it. "We
had to write reports about what we'd been doing all week."

"Did you tell them about us, Dana?" Astrid asked curiously. "Coz Jacqui
said that you weren't gonna tell them about us. She said that you -"

Jacqueline interrupted her sister. "Dana didn't tell them anything
about us, did you Dana?" The look she shot me was scared.

I shook my head quickly, reassuring her. "No, I didn't. Mu- Fox and I
just wrote that after investigating several leads we came to a dead end
and decided that the case could be just as easily handled from here."

"So what now?" Jacqueline asked tightly.

"We'll be doing some digging," I admitted slowly, not sure why I was so
reluctant. "Finding out who knew that the information was leaked, who
had motive and opportunity to kill your parents." 

"Can't you just forget about it?" Jacqueline asked unhappily, a catch
in her voice. She looked at me pleadingly. "It doesn't matter any more,
Dana. Really, it doesn't."

"But it matters to somebody," I argued softly. "And if we can't find
out who killed your parents and catch the people after you, you'll
never be safe."

"And you're saying that if we do catch -" she stopped, drawing a shaky,
nervous breath, "if we do catch them, that we will be safe?" She shook
her head slowly. "Dana, to expose the project, you'll expose us. Do you
know what that'll mean?"

"It won't have to come to that," I objected. I glanced down at Astrid,
who was staring up at me wide-eyed, and shifted her off my lap,
standing. "It's time to start getting ready for bed," I said briskly. 

"Has Fox gone to bed already?" Astrid asked innocently.

I gave her a gentle shove toward the bathroom. "Yes, sweetie, Fox was
tired so he went to bed early."

"Is Fox sleeping in your bed, Dana?" Astrid looked curious.

"Yes, he is," I said softly. I gave Astrid a small shove toward the
bathroom. "Hurry up, kiddo," I scolded half-heartedly. I turned and
entered my bedroom, finding Mulder sprawled out on the bed on his back,
fast asleep. I knelt down beside the bed, stroking his temple gently
with the backs of my fingers. He stirred under my touch, letting out a
small, contented murmur, his eyelids fluttering as he returned to
consciousness. 

He gave me a small smile. "Hey again," he whispered.

"You really are tired, aren't you?" I asked, smiling gently.

"Exhausted," Mulder murmured, his eyes drifting closed again. I
remembered how litle sleep he'd gotten over the past few days. It
seemed as though all the lost hours had finally caught up on him.

I placed my hand on his forehead, checking his temperature, and
frowned. "You're hot, Mulder," I said, concerned.

He let out a weak chuckle. "I knew you'd see it eventually," he
muttered dryly. Typical.

I frowned at him, examining his neck. "Your glands are slightly
swollen," I reported. "What else is there?"

He pushed me away half-heartedly. "I'll be fine, Scully."

I looked at him skeptically. "Mulder, I've got enough to do without
having to doctor you all weekend -"

"Exactly," he murmured, closing his eyes again. "So just let me get
some sleep and I'll be fine."

"You didn't let me finish," I said, trying to speak patiently. "I was
about to say that if you don't start looking after yourself more often
- like now, for example - I'm going to eend up spending more time
looking after you than I am Josh and Astrid."

"I need it more than they do," Mulder pouted slyly.

I chuckled. "You need discipline more than they do, I'll admit," I
teased, running my fingers tenderly through his hair. I love mothering
him. Normally I can restrain myself but just then I couldn't help it.

Mulder lifted his heavy eyelids to look up at me. "You're pretty when
you smile," he murmured sleepily, reaching up to drowsily stroke my
cheek. I clasped my hand over his for a moment before pulling away. I
knew I was smiling broadly at the sleepy remark, but it was
heartwarming. A compliment like that from Mulder meant a lot.

"You sleep tight, Mulder," I whispered, smiling affectionately at him.
"I'll see you in the morning."

Mulder caught my wrist as I moved away. "You're not coming to bed?" he
sounded sleepy but disappointed.

I shook my head slowly. "You might be contagious, Mulder. I'm not
risking it." I gave him a small, reassuring smile. "Sorry partner."
I was disappointed myself, too. I wouldn't admit it but I'd spent all
day craving the feel of his arms around me. I felt now that we belonged
together like that and I missed him when he wasn't so close to me.

Mulder's eyes began drifting closed again. "'Kay," he murmured. His
grip on my wrist remained firm and I hid a smile, sitting down beside
him on the bed and stroking his hair again. 

"You're such a baby, Mulder," I teased. I was loving it. More than
anything else I would have loved to have crawled into bed beside him,
slipping my arms around him, burrowing in against him, sharing his body
heat.

He murmured a response, shifting closer to me. I sighed when I felt his
grip on my wrist slacken as he fell asleep. I retracted my hand as
gently as I could and reached out to brush the hair away from his
forehead. 
I checked that the kids were in bed and said goodnight, then prepared
for bed myself. I stood, surveying the empty shelves in my linen closet
where my spare blankets and pillows were kept, then, back in my
bedroom, stared longingly at the empty side of the bed. 
With a sigh, I moved closer, grabbing a pillow. I threw it down at the
end of the bed, untucked the sheets at that end, and slid in, turning
my face away from Mulder's large, bare feet. It felt strange to be
sleeping the wrong way in my own bed - it had been years since, as a
child, I'd been convinced that it was easier to get to sleep when lying
with feet where the pillow should be, and I felt very disoriented. I
shook myself, closing my eyes, and concentrating on listening to
Mulder's rhythmic breathing, my own picking up the same rhythm as I
began to fall asleep.


        - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- SCULLY POV - 

Grey consciousness returned to me slowly, feeling slowly restored to my
limbs. I became aware that my toes were cold. Then I shrieked as I felt
someone very deliberately tickle them, my eyes snapping open and foot
quickly drawn back, close to my body. 

I glared at Mulder. He was sitting cross legged on the pillows, a huge
grin plastered across his face. On his left side sat Astrid, beaming at
me.

"Mulder!" I gasped threateningly. "Don't do that!"

Mulder grinned at me devilishly. "I think you're ticklish, Scully."

Astrid giggled. "You're ticklish," she echoed.

I shook my head. "No way," I said firmly. I began to turn away from him
to climb off the bed but then I felt a hand fasten around my ankle, and
then Mulder yanked me closer to him so that I was almost in his lap. I
shrieked then, I have to admit it. Not a terrified shriek, just the
sort of surprised, half-howling protest that I haven't given very many
times since I was a kid. Then he began to tickle me. I guess I'm
strange, because I love being tickled. Not that I would, under any
circumstances, admit that to Mulder. So as he tickled me mercilessly I
tried in vain to wriggle out of his grip. It was an impossible task; I
was laughing too hard. All I could do was try to push him away from me.
But as I tried to push him away he grabbed my arm and somehow we both
tumbled to the floor, entangled. I moved quickly to press my arm
against his throat.

"You move, and you're a dead man," I warned. I was trying to sound
serious and calm, but I couldn't stop a small giggle.

Mulder grinned up at me and I experienced only a brief second of
victory before suddenly I felt myself land flat on my back, Mulder bent
over me. I gasped as I felt the shock of the impact ricochet through my
body. "Oww, Mulder..." I groaned. "That hur-" I broke off, swallowing,
when I realised how close Mulder's face was to my own. 

His mischievious, victorious grin softened as we stared at each other.
We were both breathing hard. I swallowed, then shook my head slightly,
pushing him away. We couldn't do such stupid things. Now wasn't the
time to lose control and wrestle like kids. Besides, Astrid was still
sitting on the bed, watching us. "Off me," I muttered.

"Sorry," he said quietly as he stood, pulling me upright.

I just shook my head, turning away. Forget it, Dana. Lock it away in
the little box in the back of your mind and don't think about it any
more. 

He caught my arm. "Scully..."

I turned back, breathing deeply and clearing my throat before
answering, "Yeah?"

He stared at me for a long time, his mouth working as if he was trying
to say something. Then he shook his head, releasing my arm. "Forget
it."

I nodded, giving him a tight smile. I pulled on my robe, standing still
for a moment, my eyes on his face, my arms crossed protectively as I
considered something. Then I took a few steps forward, placing my hand
on his forehead. "You're feeling better?" I asked, trying to snap into
doctor mode, to forget the tension between us and treat him
objectively.
Well, not objectively, exactly. Just... as Mulder.

He shrugged. "I guess a good night's sleep was all I needed."

"Good," I said, maybe a little brusquely. I retracted my hand and
turned. "I'll see what I've got for breakfast." 


"Dana, was Fox feeling sick?" Astrid asked curiously as she skipped out
of the room behind me. 

"A little," I answered quietly as I searched through my cupboards, most
of which were growing increasingly bare. I produced an unopened packet
of cornflakes and some long-life powdered milk - I'd thrown out or used
up most of my perishables before leaving for the case, learning from
experience that I wouldn't necessarily be back home within the few days
I planned.

"Is he okay now?" Astrid sounded concerned. "Cos it's not good when
people are sick. It makes them unhappy."

"Does it?" I asked, only half paying attention as I quickly and
methodically made a mental list of what I needed to buy when I next
went grocery shopping. 

"Cate used to get sick sometimes," Astrid rattled on. "And she and
Rodger were always unhappy when she got sick, and they used to get mad
at us a lot."

"Uh huh..." I murmured. I wasn't exactly ignoring her, I was just
focusing on the mundane issue of my groceries, and focusing hard so
that my mind wouldn't wander.

"Duckie said Cate got sick cos she wanted to have a baby, but she
couldn't," Astrid continued. "I didn't really know why Cate wanted a
baby anyway, cos she had us, 'cept she didn't like us... Dana, why
didn't Cate like us?"

I realised then that I'd missed something vital and cursed myself for
it. Yet again, I wasn't concentrating on the case and I should have
been. I turned slowly to face Astrid. "I don't know why she didn't,
sweetie," I said gently. I frowned as I tried to remember Astrid's
words. "Cate wanted a baby of her own, did she?"

Astid nodded. "Duckie said that a long time ago Cate had a baby who
died." She shrugged. "Duckie knew more about Rodca than I did, cos
she's older than me." 

I nodded understandingly, not that I did understand. I pulled out a
chair at the kitchen table for Astrid, then looked across to where
Jacqueline was dressing Joshua in front of the TV, his eyes glued to
the screen. "Jacqueline, breakfast," I called.

Mulder appeared as the kids settled down at the table, Jacqueline
assisting them in pouring milk over their cereal. Mulder stood in the
doorway for a few moments, arms crossed. I could feel him watching me
and I turned and stared at him, frowning awkwardly. I felt irrationally
frustrated at him, frustrated because he was messing with my emotions
and I was letting him, and because it was interfering with us doing our
job.

"Fox, sit here!" Astrid called, patting the empty seat beside her,
clearly oblivious to the tension between the two of us. The naivete of
kids is something I've always found refreshing. Sometimes I wished I
could be a kid again, trusting and naive and innocent. 

Mulder smiled at Astrid. "In a minute," he promised. He brushed past me
as he moved toward the toaster, adjusting the setting and dropping two
slices of bread in. He and I almost collided and I growled at him. "Be
careful, Mulder," I said curtly. I was going to push away all warm,
fuzzy thoughts of gentle touches and hugs and his arms around me as we
slept, and I was going to focus on the kids and doing the job. That was
how I was going to get through this episode of my life.

Mulder was silent as he drew away from me. I watched guiltily as he sat
down beside Astrid and listened to her cheerful chatting and discussion
with Jacqueline. He was quiet, and I was torn between my resolution and
the overwhelming desire to draw him into a great big hug and apologise
my heart out. I transferred my gaze to Joshua who, as quiet as ever,
was concentrating intently as he spooned the soggy cornflakes into his
mouth, seemingly unaware of everything else. Feeling agitated, I flew
around the kitchen, avoiding Mulder's gaze, feeling desperately unhappy
and frustrated about the tension between us. Finally, I snapped. 
"Mulder, can I talk to you for a moment?" I asked. My stomach was
churning madly.

He looked surprised, nodding slowly and standing. "Sure," he agreed.

I nodded quickly and lead the way into my bedroom, where I began to
pace. Mulder followed me in, and I heard the quiet 'click' as he closed
the door.

"Listen, Mulder," I began, not meeting his gaze but my eyes instead on
the floor as I tried to think straight. It was hard. "I don't think
this is going to work out - you and I sharing a bed and everything...
it's just not right. Not the ...the feelings we have for each other so
much as the fact that we're working partners and this is going to
seriously hinder our ability to function together when it comes to
work." I gripped the edges of bureau as I continued, just as rapidly,
not wanting to slow down or be calm because I just *couldn't*. "I don't
want you to think that this has anything to do with our personal
relationship, or the changes that have taken place during the past few
days, it's simply a case of us being unable to function together
because we're both under stress and uncomfortable with each other
and... You haven't done anything wrong or anything, I just thought I
should let you know that I don't intend to act on any feelings I have
and while they might affect our work I believe that-"

Mulder cut me off. "Scully, if you feel that we're seriously
compromising our partnership than I'm willing -"

He didn't get the chance to finish the sentence. I turned suddenly,
with such absolute certainty of what I was about to do, and I kissed
him. I'd never kissed anybody like that before, not with such
unrestrained desire. I'd never realised that such kisses even existed
outside tacky b-grade romance novels. After several long, utterly
mindblowing seconds, I pulled away, releasing him from my numb grip and
staring at him. I felt dazed by what I'd just done. Mulder looked just
as stunned.

"Mulder, I..." I stopped and cleared my throat, embarrassed, feeling
lightheaded. "I just ... I didn't mean to do that." I pushed past him,
opening the bedroom door. "I'll be in the shower," I said shortly,
leaning against the wall for balance.


I stood under the hot shower, water cascading down my body, my wet hair
hanging limply down over my closed eyes. I was remembering another hot
shower, when Mulder and I had stood only feet apart, both stark naked,
separated by a single, shoulder-high wall. I was remembering the way
Mulder had looked at me, the way I'd stood firm under his gaze while my
stomach had churned madly and I'd wondered what he was thinking.
I shook myself, shut off the water and stood, dripping, for a few
moments before finding my towel and drying myself off. I pulled my robe
on and stood in front of the mirror, wiping away the fog from the steam
and staring at my reflection. It was me, just like always. It seemed so
hard to comprehend that I could look exactly the same as I always did
after I'd just done such a heavy thing. I'd managed to hold off for six
long years before I'd cracked. I should have looked different, but I
didn't.
There was a knock at the door and I turned, bending down to pick up
discarded, dirty clothes and throwing them in the hamper. "What?" I
called uneasily. I didn't know if I wanted to see Mulder yet. I was
still trying to figure out how I felt about what I'd done.


"Scully, I really need to pee," Mulder called through the door. 

I rolled my eyes with a faint smile, returning to the mirror. "It's not
locked."

The door opened hesitantly and Mulder entered. I smiled briefly at him
before turning to leave, but as I brushed past him he caught my
shoulders, pulling me close to him and kissing me on the forehead, his
long fingers brushing droplets of water from my neck.

I caught his hand, gripping it tightly, and looked up at him intently
for a moment. There was no doubt in my mind - I loved us together. I
loved us being gentle and kind to each other, loving each other in an
otherwise heartless world, loved the intense passion that could flare
up given the opportunity. Whether I did the right thing or the wrong
thing by kissing him, I wasn't sure. But, in many ways, I was glad I'd
done it. 
"I'm going to talk to Jacqueline," I said quietly. Then I  turned and
left.


        - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

I dressed slowly in the privacy of my bedroom, tidying up Mulder's
clothes which were scattered over the floor, making the bed, the whole
time my mind working furiously, recollection of that insane, irrational
kiss haunting me, making my whole body tremble with excitement and
dread.

"Hey, Dana?" Jacqueline knocked on the door, opening it a crack.

I took a deep breath before opening the door completely. "Yeah?" 
I mustered up a bright smile somehow. 

"Did you want me to wash up after breakfast...?" she queried. "Cos
we're all finished, unless you and Fox want some..." She shrugged
apologetically as she added, "His toast is stone cold."

I wonder if she'd heard any of before. She must have gathered that
something was going on... Then again, Mulder and I had been acting so
irrationally the whole time that maybe it wasn't so obvious. I didn't
know. I rubbed my forehead as I tried to focus on the issue at hand.
"Uh, actually... I was hoping I could talk to you."

She stiffened. "About what?" she asked uneasily.

"Your parents," I admitted. I was curious as to what her reaction would
be. "I was talking to Astrid before... she told me some things about
your mo- about Cate."

"I see," Jacqueline said guardedly, crossing her arms. I knew what that
gesture was, I did it all the time myself. 

"Could we...?" I indicated the kitchen through the open door and
Jacqueline nodded. Silently, we went out, sitting down at opposite
sides of the kitchen table. I glanced across at where Joshua and Astrid
were watching The Learning Channel and smiled to myself before turning
back to Jacqueline. 

"What exactly did she tell you about Cate?" Jacqueline asked slowly.

"She told me that Cate had been sick because she wanted a baby. And
that once she had had a baby... a baby who had died. She said that you
told her all this."

"Yeah, I guess I did," Jacqueline admitted, drumming her nails
nervously on the tabletop.

I looked at her expectantly. "...And?"

Jacqueline stared across at her siblings, rocking back and forth on her
chair unconsciously. "Cate ... she wanted kids of her own," she
admitted at last.

"And she had one, who died," I prodded, frowning unhappily. I
remembered what Mulder had read to me from the Moss' medical reports. A
stillborn son eighteen years ago.

"Yeah," Jacqueline acknowledged. "She had some problem during labor and
the baby died... there was some damage done to her uterus and
afterwards she couldn't carry a baby past the first trimester... she
had four miscarriages in two years. Ever since then she's been... I
mean, she'd been suffering from bouts of depression."

I drew a deep breath, feeling slightly sick. As a doctor, I could
handle this sort of talk. But as somebody who knew that they could
never have kids of their own, it was tough. "The baby who died, and the
miscarriages... they were before you were born. How did you know about
them?"

Jacqueline looked down at the tabletop. "I used to snoop," she
admitted. "I found a photo taken years ago of Cate in a maternity
dress... that was enough to catch my interest. I found her personel
file in the records room at the compound and looked it up. I... I found
her diary once. It was in a locked box in the closet in their bedroom.
I knew I shouldn't have but I read it anyway." She let out a shaky,
unhappy sigh. "She was so heartbroken after her baby was stillborn...
She was desperate for kids."

"Was that why she wanted to run the Genesis Project?" I asked gently.
"Because she couldn't have a child herself?" I was feeling a lot more
sympathetic to Cate Moss now. She was no longer the wicked, heartless
scientist took away from kids their childhood. She was a woman who
wanted children desperately enough to do something as incredible as
this. But, yet, that didn't fit with everything else... 

Jacqueline shook her head slowly, brushing away an errant tear. "I
don't know," she admitted. "It seems like that... but we were never
really her children. She couldn't relate to us - wouldn't let herself.
We were a job, a responsibility, a nuisance... never children who could
be loved."

"What changed her?"

"I don't know." Jacqueline shrugged, shaking her head. "I just don't
know. Maybe she saw so many failures with their experiments that it
hardened her, made her stop feeling. She -" She stopped suddenly,
staring ahead into the distance. "I remember, once, when I was very,
very little... I was sitting in her lap and we were on a rocking chair,
and as we rocked back and forth she was singing softly to me..."

My eyes were burning with tears and I blinked them back. I wondered if
anybody knew how desperately I wanted to hold a baby in my arms in a
rocking chair, a baby smelling of baby powder and baby shampoo, rocking
back and forth, singing softly to them... Not a niece or a nephew, but
a baby of my very own. And the knowledge that I couldn't hurt me more
than I could express to anybody. Yes, I could understand what had
driven Cate Moss to do this.

"You've looked after Astrid and Joshua all their lives," I said slowly.
"Was she the one who looked after you?"

Jacqueline frowned as she tried to remember. "We used to live all
together, David and Susie and Cate and Roger and I. Someone used to
play games with us. We'd play hide and seek and she'd always pretend
she couldn't find us. And we'd all sing songs to learn numbers and
letters and... she was always smiling when we played together." She
looked up at me in amazement. 

"It was Cate?"

Jacqueline nodded as she explored long-lost memories. "She always used
to be happy. And she and Roger were so affectionate to each other...
every night when they came home from working at the compound the nanny
would tell us and we'd run toward them on our little legs and hug
them." Her face contorted with emotion, she looked as if she was on the
verge of tears. "We were happy... a happy family. It sounds so cliche,
but there's no other way to describe it..."

"Then Susie died," I said quietly. I sighed, resigned. That was what
had happened. That was when things started to fall apart.

Jacqueline drew a deep breath and I could see that she was fighting for
detatchment. "Yeah. She got sick and when she died Cate was hit hard.
She would spend hours just by herself, or holding one of us on her lap
in the rocking chair, in absolute silence... That was terrible, so, so
terrible..." A tear trickled down her cheek and she brushed it away
with a self-deprecating chuckle. "I'm sorry, Dana," she whispered
shakily. "I didn't remember any of this stuff and it's..." 
She shook her head and buried it in her hands as she broke down and
began to sob with genuine grief and regret.

All I could do was to touch her shoulder sympathetically. "You don't
have to go on, if you don't want," I said gently. "I know it can hurt
to remember sometimes..." Yeah, I knew that. I knew what it was like to
remember things in nightmares and wake up crying, to close my eyes and
be attacked by all the evil I'd ever dealt with. Remembering meant
Donnie Pfaster, Duane Barry, Phillip Padgett...

Jacqueline bit her lip to stop the sobs, swallowing before continuing,
"When David killed himself I didn't see Cate for almost a month. She
stopped putting me to bed everynight, never played games with me any
more, or taught me anything... I was dragged along to the compound
almost every day by my nanny for psychological evaluations and physical
checkups. Everyone started treating me so differently..." She frowned
as she continued speculatively, "It must have been so hard for Cate,
losing two of her children... she did love us. Maybe she pulled away
from me in case she lost me too." She clamped her hand over her mouth,
letting out a choked sob. "Oh my God..." she whispered. She looked up
at me with wide eyes, distraught. "Oh my God," she repeated. "I... I...
Oh God..." She let out more loud, choked sobs, and Astrid and Joshua
both turned to stare at her.

"I know it hurts," I whispered compassionately. Pain. Why was their
always so much pain in my world? "I know how much it hurts."

"She was just so unhappy," Jacqueline whispered, a hitch in her voice.
"And the whole time I hated her and Roger so much because they didn't
care and now I know that once, they did care, and they cared so much...
now I know but now they're dead and it's my fault..."

"It's not your fault," I protested. "You were only trying to save your
brother and sister from unhappiness. There was no way you could have
known that by leaking the information you'd cause your parents
deaths..."

Jacqueline drew a deep, shaky breath. "But it is my fault, Dana," she
whispered. "Because I did it."

I shook my head, confused, not wanting to take the statement at face
value. "Did what, Jacqui?" I felt a growing sense of dread, a gnawing
in my stomach.

"I killed them," Jacqueline whispered. She let her head sink down into
her hands and the wracking sobs started again. 

I pulled away from her slightly as the information sunk in. I couldn't
help it. "Jacqueline..." I began, very quiet, very controlled.

"I had to." She looked up at me again, pleading, tearful. "I wanted
Astrid and Josh to grow up as normal kids... I wanted them to be happy.
I wanted to be happy. But -" her composure cracked and she swallowed,
"I shouldn't have done it. I know I shouldn't have. They were just as
unhappy as we were, and if I'd just..." She shook her head. "I should
have done something. Something not as stupid as just shooting them in
the head..." she shuddered.

I bit my lip and sighed heavily. "Where did you get the weapon from?"

Jacqueline drew another shaky breath. "I... I found it in Roger's
bottom drawer one day when I was... you know, snooping. I don't know
why he had it, but it was kept loaded... it was just so easy, you
know." She chuckled unhappily. "I didn't even really plan how I was
going to do it ... I took the gun one day when they were out at work,
and hid it in my bedroom. Then that night, when they'd gone to bed..."
She shook her head slowly as she remembered. "I was so calm about the
whole thing. My mind was made up that it was the last option... I
didn't think about them as people. They were targets, it was an
obstacle I had to conquer, an aim I had to achieve... I went into their
bedroom and they were asleep  ... their alarm clock clicked to 11:58,
and I just thought to myself that I had to kill them before tomorrow
came and I lost my nerve. And I pressed the gun against Rodger's head
and..." her voice faltered and she trailed off. She inhaled shakily. "I
dropped the gun at the foot of the bed and as I was closing the bedroom
door after myself I saw the clock clicked to 12:00..." She smiled
without humour. "And then... God, I was just so calm. I went downstairs
and I just sat on the bottom step for ages, thinking about what we
would do... I was so stupid. I should have realised that they would
have thought it was me... We should have run right then. But I just
thought that with Cate and Roger dead we'd be free... that was all I
could think."

I licked my dry lips. "What happened then?" I asked quietly.

Jacqueline was silent for a moment before answering, and when she did,
she seemed incredulous of her own actions. "I went into the kitchen and
went over to the fridge... I was hungry, so I found myself a yoghurt
and then I went into the lounge room to eat it... I was sitting
there... contemplating... and I heard a bump upstairs," she whispered,
her fists clenching unconsciously. "And I got so scared - I thought
that if they found out that I'd killed Cate and Roger, they'd think I'd
lost it... they'd take me away from Astrid and Josh and it'd be worse
than ever."

"Who's 'they', Jacqui?" I prompted gently.

"The doctors... the researchers... everyone." She grimaced. "I went
upstairs just to check... to see if anyone was there... I pretended
that I didn't know that Cate and Roger were dead, just in case somebody
was there, and then when I opened their bedroom door... all I could see
was blood." She let out a small whimper, holding up her hands as though
they were stained with blood, showing her crime. "There was just so
much blood..."

"Out, damned spot!" I murmured under my breath. I shook my head in
disbelief. "Why did you call the police if you were guilty?"

Jacqueline shrugged. "I just got scared. I spent all the rest of the
night in my bedroom, thinking about it... I thought that if I called
the police I could somehow get some of the doctors and scientists at
the compound blamed for it, and then the three of us would maybe get a
foster family or... something. I didn't think that the police would
think I'd done it..." She shrugged again. "I just wanted Astrid and
Joshua to grow up happy and normal, that's all." She drew a deep breath
and looked up at me. "What happens now?"

I shook my head slowly. "I have absolutely no idea," I admitted. "It's
just so... so..." I shook my head, unable to find the words.

Jacqueline was silent and I patted her gently on the back before
standing and going into my bedroom, finding Mulder sitting on my bed,
reading through the case notes.
"Jacqueline shot her parents," I said quietly as I dropped down beside
him on the bed. Normally I liked to gloat if I knew something he
didn't, tease him a little with the scrap of information. But not now.

Mulder glanced up at me sharply, eyes widening. "What?"

I nodded, sighing heavily. "Exactly." I explained what Jacqueline had
related to me and Mulder grimaced.

"This makes things tough," he agreed.

I glanced down at the case folder in his hands, the photo of Cate Moss
catching my eye. I pulled it closer to me, studying the portrait
intently for a moment. "Mulder..." I said slowly. "Look at the
resemblance here." I passed the folder back to him and he studied the
photo for a moment.

"Jacqueline's the image of her mother," he said slowly. "How come we
didn't see that before?"

I shrugged. "We didn't look closely at the photo before. Or at Jacqui."

"So what does it mean, then?" Mulder asked, his eyes meeting mine.

I frowned, biting my lip grimly. We'd been hoaxed. "It means that
somebody's lying."
I stood, striding out into the living room and holding the case folder
open in front of Jacqueline. She drew back away from the photo,
surprised.

"What?" She glanced up at me and winced. I must have looked pretty
furious. 

"You're not telling us the whole truth, Jacqueline," I said coldly.

She looked alarmed, suddenly distrustful. "About what?"

"About your resemblance to your 'adopted' mother."

Jacqueline shugged uneasily. She looked frightened by my sudden change
of manner. "Of course I look like her. Why wouldn't I?"

I was confused but I didn't show it. "What do you mean?" I asked
sternly.

"Well, she and Roger provided the genetic material..." Jacqueline
trailed off. Her face cleared as though she only just realised what I'd
been thinking and she heaved a relieved sigh. "I thought you two
knew..."

I leaned back, slowing my breathing, chiding myself for overreacting.
"So Cate and Roger Moss were your biological parents, after all."

Jacqueline nodded slowly. 

I felt a hand on my back, rubbing gently. "Jacqueline, is there
anything else that you're not telling us? Anything at all?" Mulder
asked quietly. I guess he'd been watching the scene from the doorway.

Jacqueline bit her lip, staring down at the table for a few moments,
frowning as she concentrated. She lifted her head again. "I don't think
so," she said honestly. "I just kinda assumed that you knew about Cate
and Roger being the donors and everything..."

"We don't know everything," I said dryly. "Far from it."

"I swear, Dana, I'm not trying to hide anything from you... not
anymore," she said earnestly. She frowned, dropping her gaze again.
"What's going to happen to me?" she asked uncomfortably. "About
shooting them, I mean..." her voice trembled and she rubbed her arms as
though cold.

Mulder and I exchanged heavy glances. 

"We don't know," Mulder admitted finally. "We're going to have to
seriously think about it..."

"I guess you don't trust me any more, huh?" Jacqui said resignedly. "I
wouldn't, if I were you. Teenagers who shoot their parents..." She
shook her head. "You should probably hand me in, shouldn't you? I mean,
 otherwise you could be charged with housing a felon..." She smiled
wryly.

"We're not turning you in, Jacqui," I said, quietly but firmly. "And
I'm not kicking you out either, if that's what you're worried about."

"The biggest issue in this case is not your parents murder; it's the
illegal, unethical experiments which have been silently taking place
for the last twenty years," Mulder added. 

Jacqueline rose. "I'll let you guys think about it for a while," she
said quietly, then she slipped across the room, joining her siblings in
front of the TV.

Conscious of Jacqueline's sensitive hearing, I gave Mulder a nudge to
indicate that I wanted to talk in my bedroom. Mulder stood by the
window as I shut the door carefully after myself, crossing my arms.
"Well?"

Mulder turned to face me, his lips pressed tightly together. "We can't
let them know that she's the killer, Scully. We can't admit it."

I stared at him, licking my lips. She sighed. "Mulder, need I remind
you that it's against the law to harbor a known felon...?"

Mulder's eyes widened in surprise. "Scully, you told her that we
wouldn't turn her in..."

I sighed again, nodding slowly. "Yeah, I know. And I'm not going to. I
just..." I trailed off, rolling my eyes.

"You like to go by the book," Mulder finished softly.

I nodded, chuckling self-contemptuously. "Stupid, I know. I might as
well have just thrown the book away the day I met you."

"If you had, we might not be standing here, alive, right now," Mulder
reminded me gently.

I nodded slowly. "Yeah, I guess." I shook myself. "So, how do we expose
the Genesis Project? How do we make them accountable for what they've
done to these kids?"

"How do we catch them before they catch us," Mulder mused.

I frowned. "Mulder," she said slowly, "Do you think they know where we
are?"

Mulder shrugged, peeking out through the curtains. "I don't know," he
admitted. "We haven't seen or heard anything so far... But we don't
know for certain that they're not watching us."

I repressed a shudder. "I don't like that," I muttered. I began to pace
the room. "If they know where they are, they know who we are... and
vice versa." I chewed on my lower lip. "But if they don't know who we
are... or where we are... then they can't find us, can they?"

"I've thought about it," he said slowly. "If they got our plate number,
then they could trace us back to the rental agency... which would give
them my name. They could then trace me to the bureau and then to you...
and to here."

"They didn't have long enough to get our plates, though," I disagreed,
more to convince myself than that I actually believed that. "And
besides, if they had, wouldn't they have already traced us to here?"

"Maybe they have," Mulder said quietly.

I looked up at him, startled. I hadn't thought about that. "But ..."

Mulder shrugged. "Just a thought." He paused for a moment before adding
deliberately, "We don't know for certain that they haven't."

I shook my head slowly. "I don't think they know we're here," I said
resolutely. "There's no sense in that. If they knew we were here, they
would have done something... we were out all day yesterday. They would
have seen us leave... could have broken into my apartment and abducted
the kids and we wouldn't have known anything until we got home in the
evening."

"So you think they're not going to catch us?" Mulder queried.

I winced. Time for the logical arguments... "I don't know. I think it 
would be foolish to assume that we're safe just because they haven't
caught us already."

"What if they haven't caught us in a week, or a month, or a year?"
Mulder pressed. "We can't go on like this forever, you know. It's not
practical. And it's not right... for the kids, or for us."

I nodded reluctantly. "I know, Mulder." I looked around unhappily,
feeling trapped. I wanted to go on like this forever. I really did.
"Can't we just get through this weekend, please? On Monday, we'll do
some investigating ... just let us have this weekend." I looked at him
pleadingly.

Mulder held my gaze steadily. "Scully..." There was a distinct warning
in his tone and I couldn't blame him for it. He was afraid that I was
getting too emotionally involved. I already was, I knew that. I knew
that I was getting too sentimental and emotional and that I was
becoming more and more vulnerable, but I couldn't help it. I couldn't
let these kids continue to be deprived of love. And selfishly, I wanted
to be loved in return. 

"Mulder, please," I repeated, pleading. "Just this weekend... and if we
haven't been caught by the end of it and we think we're safe... We'll
tell Skinner about the kids, organize some sort of protective custody
while we dig deeper into the Project..." 

        - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- MULDER POV - 

I didn't want to say yes. I knew that letting Scully have two more days
with the kids would only lead to further bonding, and that would only
make it harder to say goodbye. I knew that. But I also knew that she
wanted this time with the kids desperately, and I knew how happy they
made her. What right did I have to deny her happiness? 

I nodded slowly. "Fine," I agreed finally. I moved closer to her,
touching her shoulder gently. "I just don't want you to get hurt," I
said gently. "And if you get too emotionally involved..."

"I'm fine," she assured me quickly. She gave me a brief, reassuring
smile before turning away and moving toward the door. She paused at the
door, her hand on the knob. "We're almost out of food. I'm going to see
if Jacqueline will come grocery shopping with me. You're all right to
look after Astrid and Josh?"

I nodded and followed her out into the living room, watching as she
talked quietly with Jacqueline for a few moments and the pair of them
pulled on shoes and grabbed jackets.
"We'll be back in an hour or so." Scully smiled encouragingly at me.
"Have fun, and don't burn the building down."

"Yes ma'am." I mock-saluted her, grinning when I saw Scully hide a
small smile before she closed the door after herself.

Astrid flew toward me, flinging her arms around me. "Hey, Fox?"

"Yeah?" I prised her off me and looked down at her. Why did I tell
Scully that I could handle this. Was I crazy? I had absolutely no
experience in looking after kids. Scully, I felt, would find something
that was both educational and fun. I, however, felt completely
inadequate as a babysitter. I knew this experience was going to be a
disaster.

"Fox, is it almost lunch time?" Astrid asked hopefully, taking my hands
and swinging them from side to side.

I glanced down at my watch. "I don't know, it's only twenty to eleven."
I frowned as I tried to think. I knew Scully and I usually ate a late
lunch, one-thirty or two or sometimes even three o'clock. Did that
therefore make about midday the right time for lunch? "What time do you
usually have lunch?"

"About now," Astrid offered hopefully. 

I looked at her with mock-suspicion, almost completely certain that it
was too early. "How about we see if Scully has any snacks we can have,
huh?" I suggested.

Astrid looked at me, hands on hips. "Fox, why do you call her Scully
all the time?" She looked disapproving, pouting. "I bet she'd like you
more if you called her Dana."

"What makes you think she doesn't like me lots now?" I demanded,
adopting her childish tone and vocabulary.

"She does," Astrid shrugged. "She'd just like you more, that's all."

I nodded slowly, humouring her. I wasn't too keen on having a four year
old analyse my relationship with Scully. I moved into the living room,
where Joshua was coloring with some Derwents Scully had dug up.
Grabbing the remote, I flipped through the channels until I found one
playing a basketball game. I settled back on the couch comfortably and
was beginning to think that maybe I could get some peace and quiet
after all, when Astrid jumped up on the couch beside me, climbing onto
my lap and putting her arms around my neck affectionately.

"Fox?" she asked, chewing her lower lip thoughtfully.

I gave up trying to see the TV around her head and instead tried to be
attentive. "Yes, Astrid?"

"Dana likes us, right?" Astrid asked uncertainly.

I was surprised by the question. "Sure she does."

"And you like us, right?" 

I nodded. "Sure."

Astrid wiggled around on my lap, clearly indecisive about something.
Finally, she admitted, "Cos Duckie... she said that we're not going to
stay with you and Dana."

"She did?" I was surprised. I guess I shouldn't have been, I just
hadn't really expected that Jacqueline would tell the kids these
things. I definitely hadn't expected that Astrid would think so hard
about them.

She nodded. "She says cos you and Dana are friends and stuff but you
don't want to be our parents."

"She said that?" 'Friends and stuff'? 

Astrid nodded again, then frowned. "Fox, why don't you and Dana want to
be our parents? We'd be good, I promise." She looked at me
entreatingly.

I laughed at the absurdity of the statement. "Listen, kiddo..." I began
awkwardly. "Scully and I are ...friends. Nothing more. We work
together." I shrugged apologetically.

"So?" Astrid demanded.

I shook my head hopelessly. "Astrid, we'll find you three a real family
of your own, once we know that you'll be safe from the, uh... bad men
chasing you."

Astrid pouted. "I like it here."

I let out a small chuckle. "Me too," I admitted. 

"So we can stay?" Her face lit up.

I didn't have the heart to give her a straight out 'no', and said
instead, "Dana will have to think about that, okay?" I shrugged
apologetically again, knowing what I'd just gotten Scully into. "Just
don't get your hopes up, kiddo," I added quickly.

Astrid chewed on her lower lip thoughtfully for a moment, then sighed.
She slid off my lap onto the ground. Possessed by some inner force, the
child within me, perhaps, I jumped up, caught her, and began to tickle
her. She giggled and gave an earpiercing shriek as she ran away from
me, hiding behind Joshua. I lunged to catch the two of them but with a
squeal they ran, me emitting a wolf-like howl as I chased after them,
evoking delighted giggles from Astrid. 
This chasing game continued for almost twenty minutes, all around
Scully's apartment, creating havoc. It was only when a photoframe was
knocked from Scully's bureau, the glass shattering, that we finally
slowed to a halt. 

"Uh-oh," Joshua whispered. He reached down to touch the photo but I
quickly pulled him away.

"Whoa... broken glass," I warned. I winced as I picked up the broken
pieces of glass and replaced the rest of the photo frame back on the
bureau, the photo within it fortunately untouched. It was one of the
few photographs Scully had displayed in her house - generally, she 
wasn't one who lived in the past. It was of herself as a young girl,
taken with her father, in full navy uniform, clearly about to depart.
Although beaming for the camera, a wistfulness was visible in her eyes,
the knowledge that her daddy was leaving her yet again, and wouldn't
return for what always seemed an eternity. I'd found Scully once, in a
rare vulnerable moment, sitting, holding the photoframe. Her eyes had
been dry of tears, her voice calm as she'd told me that she had relived
the emotions of that day too many times for her to recall, putting on a
brave face while feeling as though she were losing everything near and
dear to her. That was one of the few times she'd ever opened up to me
like that and I treated the memory preciously. 

I felt a tugging on my sleeve and I sighed heavily as I came back to
earth. "Fox, what's wrong?" Astrid asked, staring up at me curiously.

I shook myself, standing, conscious of the glass shards in my hands.
"Nothing's wrong," I said quietly. I dropped the broken glass into the
waste paper basket, brushing my hands on my jeans. "C'mon, let's see
what's on TV."

Astrid followed me out of the bedroom and into the living room, Joshua
trailing behind her. "Fox, can we play a game?" she asked hopefully.

I shrugged. "What sort of game?"

She thought for a moment, then let out an excited squeal, jumping up
and down. "Ooh, Fox, can we play fireman? Pretty pretty please?"

"Fireman?" I hazarded. I didn't like the sound of that. "How do we do
that?"

Astrid grinned. "Well, we have to get some pillows..." she began.

It turned out that the game of fireman was actually remarkably similar
to the game of catch and tickle - except in this case, instead of
tickling, you had a pillow fight. Astrid and Joshua shrieked wildly as
they pelted me with the pillows, chasing me, jumping on and over
furniture, knocking things over and generally going wild and getting
out of control. I heard someone turn keys in the lock and I turned
mid-swipe. A small feather floated down, landing on my nose, and I
grimaced as I brushed it away, moving toward the door. It opened before
I reached it and Scully stood there with her arms full of grocery bags,
staring. Jacqueline stood beside her, hiding a smile.

I gulped, turning to survey the apartment, realising for the first time
what a disaster it was. Astrid and Joshua were wrestling on the floor,
their two pillows discarded carelessly on the ground, feathers escaping
from a split seam in the side of one of them. Clothes and blankets were
strewn about everywhere on the floor, Joshua's toys spreading into the
kitchen.

Scully stepped through the door, carefully stepping over a toy car and
several other objects before reaching the kitchen table, where she
dropped down the grocery bags. Then she turned to face me expectantly,
arms crossed, a faint smile flitting across her lips. "Well?"

I winced, trying to beat the pillow back to its original state. I knew
that smile, and I knew I was in trouble.
"We... we were playing a game..." I shrugged apologetically. "I didn't
know we were going to mess up your apartment so much... sorry..?"

        - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- SCULLY POV -

I looked at him long and hard, studying his touseled hair, disheveled
clothes, the grin which still remained in his eyes. My gaze moved past
him as I heard a small giggle and saw Joshua grinning mischieviously,
hiding next to Astrid behind the coffee table, his eyes fixed on me,
his expression guilty but not scared.

I shook my head slowly, unable to stop my smile. "It's okay," I 
admitted. I chuckled. "You're cleaning it up, though."

Mulder smiled back at me, looking incredibly relieved, following me as
I went into my room, pulling off my shoes and dropping them to the
floor, smiling as I surveyed the rumpled bedcovers before throwing my
jacket down on top.

"Listen, Scully..." Mulder hesitatingly began. I felt myself stiffen
when I heard his voice, and I unwillingly turned toward him, my eyes on
the floor. He continued, "Before, you told me that you had feelings for
me... feelings which you didn't intend to act on." He paused for a
fraction of a second before adding, "Then you kissed me." He arched an
eyebrow at me. "Am I missing something here?"

I steered myself to meet his gaze. "Focus on the case, Mulder," I said
brusquely, lowering my eyes again and moving toward the door. But
Mulder barred my way, grasping my upper arms firmly.

"Scully..." 

No, dammit, Mulder! I felt furious for him pushing the issue. I'd had
some time to think about it and now I was more certain than ever that
we couldn't afford to alter our relationship at the moment. We had
enough to deal with without it, enough emotions to fill a barn. 

"It was a mistake, okay?" I scowled, pushing him away from me. "You'd
better start cleaning up out there."

        - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- MULDER POV - 

Only a dozen words were exchanged between us the remainder of the
afternoon, sharp, tense communication. Scully moved around the
apartment in a constant flurry of activity, cleaning up the mess,
keeping Astrid and Joshua amused with different activities, talking to
Jacqueline who seemed a lot quieter since her confession this morning.
I couldn't help but admire Scully's strength in keeping the facade up -
if it hadn't been for her very obvious ignoral of me, I would have said
that she was perfectly comfortable and happy in her situation. When it
came to me, however, she was short and snippy with answers and
instructions. 
Eventually, I gave up attempting to talk to her, instead dropping down
on the couch and flipping the TV to a sport channel, only
half-attentive, my mind still puzzling over her behaviour. She'd been
happy til I'd mentioned her kissing me. Clearly she didn't like being
reminded of her actions. She was ashamed of what she had done, hated
herself for it, and was angry at me because I was someone she could
blame. I could understand that. She needed time to cool off. I accepted
that.

After almost five hours of accepting it, I snapped. We were being so
damn ridiculous. She brushed past me with a dustpan and broom to sweep
up glitter Astrid had just knocked onto the floor and I caught her arm.
"Mulder, let go of me," she threatened, trying to shake me off.

"You're pissed off with me, aren't you?" I released her and crossed my
arms, waiting for her answer.

Scully drew a deep breath, standing straighter. "No, I'm not," she said
coldly.

"Scully, don't deny it..." I said tiredly. I was sick of this. Why
couldn't we just be honest with each other. Why did we have to put up
all the sanctimonious crap?

Scully pushed me angrily in the chest. "Dammit, Mulder, I'm not angry
at you," she muttered. She turned away, lowering her voice. "I'm angry
at myself."

I took a step back and watched her as she bent down, working furiously
to brush the glitter from the carpet. Finished, she stood again,
passing by me again without comment. I deliberated for a moment before
following her into the bathroom, where she was scrubbing hard at her
fingers, trying to remove all the small specks of gluey-glitter which
were stuck to her skin. I closed the door quietly behind me and Scully,
sensing my presence, turned. She sighed. 
"Mulder... enough is enough, okay?" She turned back to the basin,
hunching over it, staring as a thin, steady stream of water slipped
down the drain. She looked as tired as I felt, weary of constantly
battling emotions. Nothing was simple for us. Every move we made we had
to weigh up the consequences, wonder if we were doing what was right
for us and our jobs and the fate of the world. It was tiring.

I swallowed and licked my lips. "It's just past six," I said awkwardly.
"Jacqueline's wondering about dinner." That was a fib, but I wanted to
start out on safe territory.

She drew a deep breath but didn't lift her head. "I'll be out in a few
minutes," she said curtly. "Jacqueline and I borrowed some videos for
the kids. You can go put one on for them."

I nodded, paused deliberatingly for a moment. "Scully," I said
tentatively, "Why are you avoiding me?"

She looked up to meet my eyes in the mirror before quickly dropping her
gaze again, bending down to get a drink from the tap. "I'm not," she
said finally, her voice muffled.

I hesitatingly reached out to lay a hand on her shoulder. "Scully, you
can't even look me in the eye," I said gently.

She closed her eyes as I pulled her to face me. "Mulder, please just
let me go," she whispered, her hands on my chest to keep the distance
between us.

"Scully, don't push me away," I whispered softly. I reached out to
hesitantly cup her cheek. I was treading on eggshells, but we had to
have this conversation. We couldn't leave everything unsaid. "You know
it'll kill me."

She shook her head numbly, still trying to push me away, on the verge
of tears.
"Hey, you're trembling," I whispered, taking her arms. I pulled her
into a hug, relishing the fact that we still fitted together so
perfectly when I held her. "Scully," I murmured, "I don't want you to
feel scared... or uncomfortable... I don't want to lose what we have,
Scully. Without you to make me whole, I'd fall apart. You know that.
You know me. I don't want to hurt you... and I don't want to get hurt."
I paused for a moment, stroking her hair. "What are you so afraid of,
Scully? Why won't you let me love you?" I don't think I've ever been so
open, so honest to anybody before. But we needed to do that. We needed
to be honest with each other and ourselves because we were hurting each
other too much by not being honest.

She swallowed tears. "I... I just don't want to lose you, Mulder," she
whispered. "I know how it feels when I've lost you forever and I don't
ever want to feel that way again."

I rubbed her back gently. "Scully..." I whispered. I bent my head down
over hers, lifting her chin to kiss her cheek. Her eyes closed briefly
as she accepted the kiss, and she let my cheek rest against hers for a
few moments. Finally, she pulled away.

"Let's go see about dinner, huh?" she asked quietly.

I brushed away a tear that had slipped down her cheek, wanting to treat
my beautiful Scully so tenderly and lovingly forever. "Marry me," I
whispered impulsively.

She stared at me for a long moment before chuckling softly to herself,
rolling her eyes. She patted me on the arm with a smile and then turned
away from me, leaving the bathroom.

I don't think she realised that I'd never been more serious in my life.

      - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- MULDER POV - 

I think the fact that I could cook surprised Scully. Well, maybe 'cook'
is too strong a word, but I think she'd expected the spaghetti to end
up either half-cooked or one big dry clump in the bottom of a saucepan,
and that we'd all end up eating the pasta sauce on toast. And even to a
bachelor like me, that's an insult. 
There was a rediscovered ease between us in the kitchen as we prepared
dinner together. It seemed that no matter what we were working on,
Scully and I always managed to work in sync, getting things done
efficiently. I chopped the vegetables haphazardly, my eyes on Scully as
she followed a recipe for some bacon and mushroom sauce that she told
me her grandmother had given her. Scully and Jacqueline had hired some
movies for the kids and Jacqueline, Astrid and Joshua were all squeezed
together on the couch, watching. I'd been watching Jacqueline earlier,
and it had been surprising to see the fascination on her face as she
explored a previously unexplored part of childhood. 
I was tossing all the chopped tomato, lettuce, carrot and cucumber into
a salad bowl and about to mix when a familiar song floated toward us.
I'd seen this movie twice before, which is something I'd never admit to
Scully. Diana had gotten stuck babysitting her twin five year old
nieces for the day. We'd only been working together then... well,
pretty much only working together, and she'd begged me to come over.
Her brother's wife had packed a whole pile of videos but Sleeping
Beauty had been the only one that the twins had wanted to watch, over
and over and over... 
I shook all thoughts of Diana from my mind, telling myself to focus on
Scully. I couldn't let Diana haunt me like this. I'd managed to forget
about her up until she returned, and I refused to think about her now. 
I  knew that Scully hated Diana, plain and simple. She'd made little
attempt to hide her jealousy and at the time it had angered me. Now I
was kicking myself for being such a fool about it, for not being able
to see what was so obvious, the reasons behind Scully's jealousy, her
territorialism. And I loved her for it, now. 
Her back was to me as she stood at the stove, stirring the bubbling
sauce. An idea was forming in my mind as I listened to the song playing
on the TV, and I knew that if I was daring enough to act on it, I had
to as soon as possible. Remembering what had happened in the nightclub
in Indiana, I decided it was worth the risk.

I moved behind her, snaking my arms around her to drop the wooden spoon
from her hand into the pot and pull her away from the stove and into my
arms. She let out a surprised giggle as I pressed my hand on her back
and took her hand with my free one, and we began to sway to the music.
The grin on her face was priceless.

I grinned at her, leaning closer.
"I kissed you once."

Scully raised an eyebrow, smiling at me. "Really? When?"

I grinned. She thought I was kidding, I knew, but it didn't matter.
"Once upon a dream..."

We began to waltz around her kitchen - well, we pretended. We both
grinned as the words from the TV floated across to us: "I know you, I
walzted with you once upon a dream..."

I raised my eyebrows at her and she laughed. Spurred on by that amazing
smile, I started to spin us around, faster and faster. "Mulder, stop
it," she protested, laughing. But I knew she didn't really want to
stop. Her eyes were telling me to keep going, to never stop.

We'd attracted the attention of the three kids, who had all twisted
around on the couch and were peering over the top to see, grinning.
Astrid clapped happily, laughing.

I continued to spin her around. Her protests grew weaker and weaker
until she was just giggling, grinning broadly, until the song ended,
and we slowly came to a stop. Scully let out a breathless giggle,
grinning up at me. I smiled down at her, reaching with one hand to cup
her cheek, stroking gently. I could feel her shivering slightly and
leant down, pressing my forehead against hers, my free hand finding her
fingers and playing with them gently.
"Nervous?" I whispered.

Scully drew a deep breath. She knew what was coming next. We both did,
and I think it came as a relief to both of us. We'd waited long enough.
"A little," she admitted, smiling shyly. 

I smiled back at her. "Me too," I whispered.

Scully let out a small, nervous giggle. "Can you hear my heart
pounding?" she whispered.

I chuckled softly, taking her hand and pressing it against my chest.
"Can you feel mine?" I murmured. We were completely absorbed in the
moment, unaware of our audience. 

"We're finally here, huh?" She smiled as she stroked the back of my
neck. "Took us long enough."

"Yeah," I agreed. I leant in, brushing my lips across her forehead.

"Are you teasing me, Mulder?" She smiled at me.

"Just keeping you in suspense," I murmured, grinning.  

She smiled. "Six years is enough suspense for me, Mulder." Her smile
faded and she whispered hesitantly, "We're doing this for the right
reasons, aren't we, Mulder?"

"All the right reasons," I assured her. And I honestly felt that. We
loved each other beyond all else. This made sense, and we both deserved
it.

Time stood still as we drew closer to each other, excruciatingly
slowly. Our lips met briefly, then again, more certainly, deeper. It
wasn't as passionate as a certain kiss I remembered, but I knew that
would come. We were still testing the waters, tenderly hesitant. We
finally pulled apart and my heart stopped for a second. What had she
thought? She'd ducked her head, and her hair hid her face. But then she
looked up at me, and she was smiling.

"Mission accomplished," she murmured.

I chuckled. "Took us long enough, didn't it?"

Scully shook her head gently. "Doesn't matter." She smiled up at me,
reaching out to caress my cheek lightly. "I think dinner's burning,"
she murmured with a giggle. She smiled at me again before turning back
to the stove. 
I felt eyes on me and turned to see Jacqueline, Astrid and Joshua
grinning at me over the top of the couch. Astrid giggled.

I smiled sheepishly, turning away again and standing next to Scully at
the stove, dipping a finger in the sauce and tasting it. "Not too bad,"
I murmured, bending my head close to hers. "The kids were watching us,"
I whispered softly, hiding a smile.

Scully looked up at me, an eyebrow raised, a faint smile dancing along
her lips. "Tell me I'm beautiful, Mulder," she murmured teasingly.
There was a newfound confidence in her, and I felt it too.

"I don't need to," I smiled. "Every look I've thrown your way in the
past six years has been telling you that." I brushed her hair from her
forehead, my touch light and tender. I felt so wonderfully certain
about us. 

We sat close together, side by side, during the meal, my left arm
lazily draped around her shoulders as we ate, my thumb absently
caressing her collarbone just underneath the edge of her shirt. Scully
was relaxed under my touch, leaning back in her seat, laughing softly
at Astrid's antics. I loved seeing her so relaxed, so assured, so
willing to accept my affection. 

We couldn't go back after this. I wouldn't let this go.


      - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- SCULLY POV -

After dinner we all settled in front of the TV, watching the remainder
of Sleeping Beauty. Mulder and I sat on either side of the couch, my
socked feet resting in Mulder's lap as he massaged them. I was reaping
the benefits already, I thought with a smile. This was what we'd both
wanted for so long. Why had it seemed so hard to attain?

Jacqueline was curled up in the armchair with Joshua on her lap, and
Astrid was fluttering around the room, dancing around energetically,
alternately cheering for the characters and hiding behind the couch in
fearful moments. She had boundless energy, as always.
The movie finally ended, Mulder and I finding ourselves slightly closer
together than we had been when we'd first sat down, not that that was
necessarily a bad thing. Mulder's arms were fully encircling me, my
head nestled just under his chin, my hand resting on his knee, rubbing
gently. Although wary of pushing the boundaries of our altered
relationship, we were both hesitatingly eager about exploring newfound
possibilities. We'd both wanted this so badly, for so long. 

"Dana? Fox? Can we watch another one now, pretty pretty please?" Astrid
begged, bouncing up and down.

I peeled back Mulder's sleeve to look at his watch. "It's almost
eight..." I glanced across at where Joshua was falling asleep in his
sister's arms. "I think it's about bedtime."

"Already?" Astrid pouted. "No fair, Dana."

I relucantly pulled out of Mulder's grip and stood, flexing my muscles.
"Yes, fair."

"Don't we get dessert, Dana? Please?" Astrid looked up at me hopefully.

"Yeah, Dana, some dessert, please?" Mulder mimicked playfully.

I rolled my eyes, swatting at him affectionately. I went over to the
fridge, opening the freezer door and staring long and hard at my supply
of Double Choc with Hazelnut icecream. Then I sighed, pulling out the
tub and closing the freezer door. I could always buy myself more.

"There's five of us, baby," Mulder whispered teasingly in my ear as I
began to scoop out icecream into three dishes.

I ignored him. I had a plan, and I wasn't going to spill it yet. I
called the kids to the table and watched as they began to eat the
icecream. Mulder was standing beside me and nudged me, pouting
pitifully. "Don't I get some?"

I grinned at him, raising my eyebrows enigmatically, and moved into my
living room with the almost empty tub in my hands. I dropped down
comfortably on the couch, digging out a spoonful of icecream and eating
it slowly, savouring it. Mulder had followed me in and was standing
watching me, pouting.

"Scully, you're not being very nice to me," he said petulantly.

That made me laugh. I licked the spoon slowly, teasing him, before
digging in again. I held the spoonful contemplatingly in front of me,
then looked up at Mulder with a cocked eyebrow. Then, smiling, I
offered it to him. His pout vanished as he eagerly took the offered
treat, grinning as he licked his lips clean. He dropped down on the
couch beside me, cuddling up against me, resting his chin on my
shoulder. 
"Much better," he murmured approvingly, his breath tickling my ear.

Our little game continued for the next few minutes, until the tub was
empty. "Was that some sort of bizarre mating ritual, Scully?" Mulder
murmured teasingly. He was really acting like a cat now, burrowing
against me, pressing his face against mine. It felt wonderful. After
such limited physical contact for so long, this was liberating. 

I chuckled, lacing my fingers through his hair. "Yeah, Mulder, it was,"
I answered with a smile. I stood up, giving him a hand up, and we
returned to the kitchen where the kids had finished dessert. 

Astrid grinned up at me. "That was yummy, Dana." She giggled.

I smiled warmly. "I thought you'd like it." I watched as Jacqueline
collected the three dishes and spoons, placing them neatly in the sink.
"And now, it really is time to get ready for bed." I patted Astrid on
the head, then gave her a gentle shove. "Off you go."

"But Duckie said that Josh and I could have a bath tonight. Can we
Dana, pretty please?" Astrid beamed at me. I couldn't help grinning at
how eager she was about everything. That sort of optimistic outlook on
life was incredibly refreshing.

I glanced across at Jacqueline to check and she shrugged. "Fox and I'll
wash up. You can give the kids their bath." She smiled at me. 

I saw straight through her little ploy but didn't care. She was giving
me some time with Astrid and Josh, playing a role I desperately yearned
to play. I wasn't going to protest. 
I kneeled beside the tub as they splashed around, shamelessly joined in
their bubble fight, and then rubbed them dry with my oversized fluffy
blue bath towels, dressing them in their pajamas. They brushed their
teeth and I managed to drag a comb through Astrid's wet hair. I was
still grinning when we finally emerged from the bathroom. My hair was
damp from bubbles and splashes and it was going frizzy, and my feet
were bare and cold, the socks I'd been wearing soaked from the overflow
of bath water.

Jacqueline smiled at me briefly before moving past me into the bathroom
to take a shower before bed. Mulder grinned at me, moving closer and
touseling my hair. I closed my eyes as his fingers massaged my scalp.
He was taking every opportunity he could get to touch me, to soothe me,
to reaffirm the promise made in the earlier kiss. It was if he was
ensuring we couldn't go back. I didn't mind - I had no intentions in
slipping back again.

"Dana, will you read me a bedtime story?" I opened my eyes and Astrid
smiled up at me hopefully, still full of energy, jumping up and down.

I smiled affectionately, reluctantly pulling away from Mulder. "Sure,
sweetie." I would have liked to have held onto him for a little while
longer, but we'd have some time together later, after the kids had gone
to sleep.

Astrid clapped happily before dashing off, diving into the little
blanket and pillow huddle which had become her bed. I imagined her for
a moment in a real bed, with pretty pink covers and covered with teddy
bears and dolls, and smiled wistfully. I turned my attention to Joshua,
watching as he carefully slid into his bed, concentrating hard as he
pulled the blanket up to his neck, wiggling around to get comfortable.
The grinning, giggling little boy who had fleetingly appeared during
the evening had gone, and he was once again quiet and sombre.

"Hey, Josh," I called gently. "Do you want to read a bedtime story with
us?" 

He stared at me for a long moment, biting his lower lip uncertainly,
before he nodded. I sat beside Astrid and patted the carpet beside me.
Joshua sat beside me silently, glancing up at me shyly before wiggling
closer just an inch. I hid my exhilaration at his movement and smiled
gently down at him. Astrid produced a paperback book and I smiled
ironically when I saw what it was. Roald Dahl's Matilda, a book I'd
read many times during my own childhood. I began to read quietly.

      - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- MULDER POV -

I don't think Scully noticed when I dropped down in the armchair across
the room, listening to her steady, expressive reading with a smile.
She didn't look up and meet my gaze until she'd been reading for about
a quarter of an hour. Joshua had fallen asleep against her and Astrid
was nodding off. I watched Scully as she smiled down at them, marking
the place in the book and returning it to the pile of books and toys
Jacqueline had hastily assembled what seemed like years ago. She gently
slid out from between the kids, picking up Joshua. He didn't stir as
she tucked him in his own bed. She hesitated for a moment before
bending down to place a goodnight kiss on his sleep-flushed forehead,
then returned to tuck Astrid in. I watched how Scully sat patiently
beside the drowsy little girl, listening patiently to her as she
murmured between yawns. Finally, Astrid's eyes closed, and Scully gazed
at her for a few moments before bending down to kiss her goodnight,
tucking her blankets around her tightly for her before standing. Then
she looked up at me, forehead creased as though puzzled, wondering. She
stepped toward me, sighing tiredly as she reached down to clasp my
hand. 

I brought my hand to her face, catching a stray tendril of hair and
tucking it gently behind her ear. My hand remained on her cheek,
stroking the soft skin, and we both smiled, shy but content. 

The bathroom door opened and Jacqueline strode into the living room,
towelling her hair dry, stopping short when she noticed us, but not
before we saw her. 
I pulled Scully closer against me, kissing her forehead, letting my
lips linger there for an eternal second before releasing her. I took a
step back. My hand was still in hers and Scully released it with a
sigh. I flashed a sheepish smile at her before I turned away.

      - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- SCULLY POV -

"Dana?" Jacqueline asked softly.

I'd been watching Mulder as he moved away and slowly transferred my
gaze, feeling as though my powers of concentration weren't at their
strongest at that particular time. "Yeah?"

"Are you happy?" She frowned as she asked the question, as though it 
were something which had been troubling her.

I stared at her, digesting the question for a few seconds. "Yes," I
said finally. And I was certain. I was happy.

Jacqueline nodded slowly, then half turned away, starting to make up
her bed on the couch.
"I'm sorry I meddled before, Dana..." Her voice was quieter than
before, hesitant. "But I could see, you know... I knew."

"Knew what?" I queried, staring at her with intrigue.

There was a long pause before she answered. "I just knew." She still
had her back to me and she settled down on the couch. "Goodnight,
Dana."

I stared at her for another moment before nodding. "Goodnight, Jacqui."
Giving her a brief smile, I left the living room, switching off the
light on the way out.

I entered my bedroom and for the first time I thought about how we were
going to deal with sleeping in the same bed now that we'd acknowledged
the sexual attraction. Mulder was sprawled out on my bed and grinned at
me as I passed him to get my pajamas. It was hard to tell whether it
was just an affectionate, teasing grin, or what. I was scared of what
Mulder was expecting of me tonight. I took longer in the bathroom than
usual, stalling from going to bed, and my mind kept manufacturing
nagging thoughts, some of them appealing, some making me uncomfortable.
It wasn't that I wasn't attracted to the idea of making love with
Mulder, but I had no desire to rush things. 

I re-entered my bedroom and ignored him as he patted the bed beside
him, instead moving over to the window, staring out through the
curtains. My heart was beating wildly and I wondered whether I appeared
calm on the surface or not. 

"Scully, honey..." There was a pout in his voice, and as I glanced
across at him I felt a rush of affection for him. Although his gesture
was bold and almost mocking, his eyes were darkly serious, his smile
affectionate but shy. 

I moved over to the bed, sitting down on the edge, letting him take my
fingers and lace them through his own. He tugged me closer to him.
"Can we snuggle?" He put on a baby voice, but I could see through it
that he was nervous. The thought surprised me, but it was also
reassuring. We both wanted to tread carefully. 

I brought his hand to my lips, kissing his fingers lightly. "Sure, we
can." I smiled. I released his hand so I could slip my robe off, and I
slid into the bed beside him, letting him pull me into his arms. The
warmth and strength of his embrace was wonderful.

I had just started to nod off when Mulder kissed my neck. "Scully," he
murmured, "do you remember what Phillip Padgett told us?"

That hit the panic button inside me. I felt the tension that had been
slowly seeping from my body return in a sudden sweep and Mulder seemed
to sense it, rubbing his chin along my shoulder. 
"Yeah," I whispered. The room had gone so terribly, terribly silent.

There was another long silence before Mulder asked quietly, "Was he
telling the truth?"

I sighed heavily, rolling out of his arms onto my side so that I could
face him. This was something that needed to be done face to face. I
swallowed several times before I could speak. "You know me, Mulder."

His eyes were darkly intense. "I see." He sighed, his fingers reaching
up to trace my lips. "And we just keep on working, don't we Scully?" he
murmured, shaking his head. 

It took me a few seconds to realise what he was saying. "Yeah, Mulder,"
I agreed heavily. "We just keep on working."

We held each other's serious gazes for a long time before Mulder
smiled. "All work and no play makes Fox a dull boy, you know," he
murmured wryly. 

I smiled. "Fox could never be a dull boy." I propped myself up on one
elbow, studying him. "We don't ever really talk, do we, Mulder?"

"No, we don't." He paused. "Do you wish we did?"

I nodded. 

"Do you want to talk now?" He looked concerned, studying me curiously
as if assessing what I might be worried about.

"Nothing deep and meaningful," I assured him, reaching out to rub his
bare arm. The covers had fallen down a little and it was covered in
goosebumps. "Just... stuff. The sort of stuff you'd tell a girl on a
first date, or something."

He grinned. "Is this our first date, Scully?"

I smiled. "I think second would be more appropriate. But hopefully this
one won't go for the six years that the first one did."

Mulder laughed softly. "That was the best first date I've ever had."

        - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- MULDER POV -

We talked for hours. If the last six years had been the best first date
I'd ever been on, this would have to be the best second date. 

It was almost two am when Scully fell asleep in my arms, now greatly
knowledgeable about the great baseball and basketball stars of the
century. I don't think either of us had really believed that we were
capable of having lighthearted, humorous conversations these days -
ones which didn't take place in an autopsy bay, anyway - and it had
been wonderful to just talk on and on for hours. We'd giggled about how
I'd taught her how to play baseball, challenged each other to a
one-on-one basketball game. I'd told her about college games and she'd
told me about the ballgames she'd played growing up with her brothers.
It was so wonderfully relaxed between the pair of us. I kissed her ear
and she chuckled, snuggling against me. It was so incredibly
comfortable, gentle, affectionate and loving, and I loved every minute
of it.
I watched her breathing as she lay asleep, her head resting on my
chest, my fingers running through her hair. Her pajama shirt was
twisted, revealing scarred flesh from the gunshot wound. I ran my
fingers over the scar with a frown, knowing that she had one on her
back as well, a smaller one from the exit wound. I'd seen both sets of
stitches when she'd been in the hospital - she'd demanded to see them,
and I'd brought her mirrors, against her nurse's advice. She'd paled
when she'd pulled away the bandages to reveal the puckered sutured
skin, but not as much as I had. There had always been some irrational
hope in the back of my mind that the scars would somehow miraculously
disappear. My beautiful Scully shouldn't be scarred like that.

She stirred at my touch, slowly opening her eyes. Her hand slid over
mine and she let out a small groan when she realised what I was
thinking.

"If they hadn't separated us, Scully..." I muttered, dredging up my
feelings of guilt. "If they hadn't sent you off with Ritter..." I shook
my head. "I should have been there."

"Mulder, you ... it's not your fault," she whispered. "You have nothing
to regret. You did all that you could." A faint, wistful smile formed
on her lips. "When I woke up in the hospital and saw you there, right
next to me... You made me feel so safe, Mulder."

I smiled, touched by her confession. "For better or for worse, Scully."
I really meant that. We'd always been like that, sticking together,
helping each other when we needed somebody to lean on. 

She chuckled softly, shifting a little and letting her eyes close.
"Exactly..." she murmured. She let out a small, comfortable sigh.
"Goodnight, Mulder."

"Sleep tight, Scully," I answered quietly. I drew a deep breath and let
my own eyes drift shut.

         - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- SCULLY POV -

It was still dark when I woke again. I smiled contently as I shifted a
little in Mulder's warm, firm embrace. My radio clock read 4:16 and I
wondered what had woken me. It was rarely that I woke up so soon after
getting to sleep. I could hear a few scattered sounds of traffic in the
distance, and that heightened the sense of snugness that I had. I felt
so safe, so calm as I lay there, perfectly still, reviewing my altered
relationship with Mulder. I felt so confident about it, certain that we
could get through anything that life threw at us. No more rifts, I
promised myself. They were unbearable.

My years as a med student and Mulder's partner had shaped my sleeping
habits, and my mind had a habit of becoming increasingly active if I
woke in the middle of the night, making me unable to get back to sleep.
My heart seemed to beat with anticipation of our future together. I
felt more certain about it than ever, and it was exciting, liberating. 
I rolled onto my side, bringing my hand to Mulder's face, cupping his
cheek and stroking the stubble affectionately. Mulder murmured and
stirred, his eyes fluttering open lazily and meeting mine in greeting.

No words passed between us - we needed none as he placed his hand over
mind, his other hand snaking underneath me to brush the back of my
neck. I shivered with delight at his touch, smiling shyly, my thumb
reaching up to gently graze his lower lip. He prised my hand away
gently, kissing my fingertips, and shifted closer to me, our foreheads
almost pressed together. Our eyes met and we both smiled. I tilted my
face toward Mulder as he leaned closer and his lips brushed mine. I
returned the gesture with gentle, undemanding kisses, loving Mulder's
tenderness. With a contented sigh I burrowed against him, inhaling his
scent with my face pressed against the crook of his neck. My sheer
happiness was overwhelming and I felt a single tear slide down my
cheek. It had been a long time since I'd felt loved like this.

Mulder withdrew a little, concerned. "Hey, don't cry, Scully," he
murmured anxiously, trying to brush away the tears. "Don't cry."

I tried to swallow down the lump that had risen up in my throat, and
settled instead for pulling his hands away so I could kiss him again.

"I love you so much," I whispered fiercely. I don't know how loud it
came out, I think it was only a bare whisper. But he heard and smiled,
his fingers deftly caressing my cheeks, brushing away the remaining
tears.

"I sorta figured," he whispered, teasing me. 

"I'm serious, Mulder." He knew how hard that had been for me to say. 

He nodded, more sober. "Yeah. I know."



         - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- JACQUELINE POV -

I stood in the doorway of the bedroom, staring at the two sleeping
agents, their forms bathed in the early morning light. Their
tearstained but peaceful faces were close together, Dana's right arm
underneath Fox, his arms encircling her, one of his hands resting on
her back under her pajama shirt. The scene would seem fairly innocent,
but I knew instinctively that it had been a significant night for the
pair of them. I left the room, closing the door gently behind myself,
glancing at the clock as I returned to Joshie and Astrid who were
sitting on the living room floor in their pajamas, intently watching
cartoons on TV.

It seemed so unfair, I thought as I watched them, that things had to
change for them yet again. I wished so badly that we could stay here
with Dana and Fox. They were strong, and I admired that strength. I
loved to watch the two of them together, the way in which they argued
and behaved. Every one of their movements was so filled with meaning,
screaming out in body language. It was incredible to watch.

"Duckie?"

Astrid was tugging impatiently on my sleeve and I glanced down at her.
"What is it, baby?"

She looked up at me with that hopeful expression that I've learnt can
only mean one thing. "Breakfast time yet?"

"Not yet, Dana and Fox are still asleep." I hid a smile as I said that.

Astrid pouted. "They sleep an awful lot," she complained.

"And you eat an awful lot," I retorted teasingly, grabbing my sister
around the waist and hugging her. "What have you got, hollow legs or
something?"

"Hollow legs!!" Astrid echoed gleefully, giggling as I began to tickle
her. She loves being tickled. The shrilling ringing of the phone cut
through the air sharply and her giggles ceased. I slowly released my
grip on her and the three of us stood frozen to the spot as it rang on,
letting out a simultaneous sigh of relief as the ringing suddenly cut
off.

Subdued, Astrid returned to the TV, settling down beside Joshua
quietly. I watched them for a moment before hesitatingly moving down
the hall and opening Dana's bedroom door a crack. They were both awake,
Dana propped up on the pillows, talking on the phone, her expression
one of intense concentration. Fox was lying on his side, propped up on
his elbow, grinning up at her. I watched, enthralled, as Fox began to
nuzzle against Dana's shoulder. Dana stifled a smile, and I could tell
easily that it was becoming increasingly hard for her to concentrate on
what she was saying as Fox began to pull pitiful faces. 
Unable to control her laughter, Dana let out a small giggle,
immediately biting her lip to quieten herself, grinning sheepishly, and
saying, "No, Mom, it's nothing... I'm just... uh, well, you know, it's
a nice day outside. Spring is in the air..."
Smiling to myself in relief and amusement, I gently eased the door shut
and returned to the living room.

"Are Fox and Dana awake yet?" Astrid demanded, jumping up.

I hid a smile. "They're awake, but Dana's talking to her mom on the
phone at the moment."

"What about Fox?" 
My little sister. Always wanting to know everything.

A ripple of laughter escaped from me. "He's pulling funny faces at
her."

Astrid looked skeptical. "Why?"

"To make her laugh."

Astid still looked unamused. "Why?"

"Because he loves her," I said simply.

She considered the point, then nodded wisely. Then she giggled. "I'm
glad Fox loves Dana."

I grinned, hugging her against me. "Me too."

         - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- SCULLY POV -

"Dayyyyyna..."

I smiled, glancing down at Astrid and ruffling her uncombed hair. 
"What is it, honey?"

My own hair was done loosely in a ponytail, as casual as the jeans and
old University of Maryland sweatshirt I'd dug out of the bottom drawer
of my bureau, something I'd only kept as a memento. I couldn't remember
the last time I'd felt so deliciously laid back and relaxed. I guess it
had been mainly Mulder's influence, but the kids had had their effect
as well. Astrid and Joshua had sparked my maternal instincts, and
Jacqueline... well, Jacqueline had made me feel twenty again, not that
I'd been this giggly when I was twenty.
The tranquillity I was experiencing was unreal and almost scary. I was
afraid that I was letting my paranoia fade into the background and my
tight rein on my emotions loosen.


"Daynaaaaa?" Astrid was pulling at my sleeve, trying to get my complete
attention, and I obediently focused on her.
"Dana, I wanna go outside..." She stuck out her lower lip pitifully.
"Me n' Josh are bored inside."

I sighed, playing absentmindedly with her curls. "How about drawing
some pictures?"

"Done that!" Astrid announced in a suitably melancholy tone.

"Blowing bubbles? Origami? Your toys? Your doll?" I ran through a whole
list of activities, but to each hopeful suggestion Astrid continued to
shake her head. Finally, I acknowledged myself beaten. "Would you like
to go play in a park, then?" I suggested doubtfully, reluctant to go
outside with the kids but attracted to the idea of escaping the
confines of my apartment.

Astrid nodded firmly, hugging me around the waist. I hugged the child
against me, smiling affectionately. Astrid broke away, running and
throwing herself against Jacqueline, almost knocking herself over.
"Dana said we can go to the park, Duckie!" she enthused.

Jacqueline raised an eyebrow, glancing across to meet my gaze. "She
did, did she?" 

I shrugged. "As long as we're careful..."

A smile broke out on Jacqueline's lips. "We'll be careful, Dana, don't
worry."


I did worry, despite Jacqui's reassurances, as we walked the three
blocks to the large public park I'd often walked Queequeg to. There
were several dogs here now, a Saint Bernard accompanied by a family of
young boys and an elderly couple with two black labradors, and a mangly
mixed breed with mud-coated fur and no collar, its nuzzle sifting
through a pile of fallen leaves for food scraps. Astrid ran eagerly
toward it, stopping short when it lifted its head and stared at her,
nose twitching. It was not a large dog, but a daunting enough size to
the petit four year old, who I guessed had never actually seen a dog in
the flesh before. She took a few hesitating steps forward, her eyes
fixed on the dog, its eyes on her warily. Then she held out her hand. 
I'd been standing, watching, mesmerised, and managed now to snap myself
out of it enough to take a few steps toward Astrid. "Honey, I don't
think -" I began. 

At the sound of my voice the dog snapped its gaze to me, snapping its
jaws, baring yellowed teeth. I stiffened, not wanting to admit that I
was suddenly scared of a feral dog in a well-kept Georgetown public
park in broad daylight with Mulder, Jacqueline and Joshua only twenty
feet away. As a kid I'd fed feral dogs, begged my parents fruitlesly to
take in strays. And this, I tried to convince myself, was no different.
Nevertheless --

I took a hesitant two steps closer to Astrid and stretched out my arm
to catch her sleeve, not breaking my gaze with the dog.
"Astrid, sweetie, some dogs aren't very nice dogs... and sometimes bad
dogs hurt people. I'm sure that this doggie is a very nice dog but I
think that, just to be safe, we should probably leave it alone and go
play with -"
The dog let out a low growl but Astrid, deaf to my words, pulled away
from me and moved closer to the dog, hesitatingly scratching it behind
its ears. 

I swallowed down another warning and watched apprehensively as Astrid
talked quietly to the dog, which waggled its tail obediently, rolling
onto its back so she could scratch its belly. My anxiety began to fade,
replaced by fascination by Astrid's power over the animal. As Astrid
finally stood back I let out a breath I hadn't even known I'd been
holding and cleared my throat. "Come on honey," I said quietly.

Astrid turned to smile at me, a smile which at first seemed unfittingly
calm, but before I could puzzle at it, it had transformed into the
childish, beaming grin. I shook away my frown and held out my hand. 
Astrid took it, grinning up at me. "That doggie liked me, Dana."

"Yeah, he did. But all doggies aren't as... as nice as that one, honey,
so we have to be careful," I explained briskly, kneeling in front of
her and tugging her coat straight, brushing the flyaway hair down. I
stood again, glancing across at the dog, who had returned to foraging
for food, and I patted Astrid on the head. "Go play."

Astrid ran off, joining Joshua on the play equipment. I remained where
I was for a few minutes, my arms crossed, my eyes ranging over the
astroturfed area for any potential hazards. I did those sorts of things
unconconsciously, these days.
We were relatively safe here, I knew - most people with only an FBI
salary to live on couldn't afford to live in this area, and it was
fellow agents mainly that I was worried about. They were the ones who
would recognise Mulder and I, question our socialising together, notice
the kids, perhaps... I wondered what they would say if a situation did
occur. I knew that Mulder and I should have discussed it but the threat
hadn't - and didn't - seem that real. The kids looked vaguely like
Mulder. That could be a bonus. We could pass them off as some relative
of his, that the hopelessly inept at uncle figure had needed the
assistance of his faithful sidekick, Agent Scully...
I smiled, shaking my head at the idea. Me, the faithful sidekick? Did I
really believe that that was all I was? That Mulder was the superhero
and that I came in second? Of course not. Well -

I frowned suddenly, arms crossed tighter as I became aware of the chill
in the air. Shaking my head in dissatisfaction, I glanced around again
searchingly again. My smile reappeared faintly when I found my partner
over at the swingset, sitting swinging idly on one of the swings,
dragging his feet in the dusty, worn ground underneath. I stared at him
for a moment, my smile growing in skeptical amusement. 
He looked up, as though sensing my eyes on him, and grinned sheepishly.
Then he patted the empty swing beside him suggestively.
I bit back a laugh as I moved over to him, my arms still crossed. "Are
you four, or forty, Mulder?" I queried, a smile dancing on my lips.

"Neither, thank you very much," he quipped. He flicked his head toward
the empty swing. "C'mon, Scully, don't you remember how much fun it was
being a kid?"

"Mulder, I think you remember all too well because you're still stuck
in that phase."

He laughed, as though happily admitting the fact. But then he tilted
his head to the side and began studying me curiously. "But, seriously,
Scully... don't you ever want to have fun?"

"I do," I protested indignantly, secretly hurt by the question.

He grinned suddenly. "Then prove it."

I stared at him, trying to hide my smile. "No way, Mulder."

"Chicken," he taunted. In what seemed a sleight of hand he caught my
wrist, pulling me close, and then spun me around and pulled me onto his
lap, one arm firmly pinned across my stomach.

"Mulder!!" I protested, laughing hard. "Let me go..."

I wriggled so that I was sideways on his knees, almost like a child in
his arms, but I was laughing so much that my struggling grew
increasingly weak, even as Mulder began nuzzling my neck. Actually,
that was when I gave up struggling to get away.

"This is fun, huh?" His mouth was so close to my ear that I could feel
his hot breath.

I grinned as I pulled back, resettling myself, one arm slung around
Mulder's neck to stop myself from falling off, the other planted firmly
on his chest, balancing myself. Mulder looked incredibly changed, a
broad, cheeky grin replacing his usual sardonic smile, eyes twinkling
with laughter rather than dark with despair and loneliness. I loved it,
I loved him, and I loved us. 

This is amazing, I thought silently, wishing I could find the courage
to say it aloud. I want to stay here forever. I don't want to lose your
touch.

I drew a breath. "We should go check on the kids."



They were still playing on the jungle gym. Jacqueline, who had been
sitting on a low bar in the climbing frame suddenly began to climb,
scaling it and in a deft movement, swinging upsidedown. She grinned at
me with the pride of a child in a new achievement, and I smiled in
return, watching as Astrid tried to copy her sister on one of the lower
bars. I turned slowly away, watching the family of boys playing soccer,
their frisky mutt chasing the ball.
The elderly couple and their labs had left and I discovered that Mulder
had taken their park bench. He was staring at me. 

I discovered that my arms were still crossed tightly, and uncrossed
them, recalling reading somewhere that it was a defensive gesture. That
wasn't the message I wanted to send out. 
My hands hung limply by my sides as I moved toward him
self-consciously. "You watching me, Mulder?"
 
Mulder smiled at my opening remark, shifting across on the seat to make
room for me. "Maybe." His arms were spread along the back of the seat
and as I sat down his hand slipped down to my back, rubbing it warmly.
I smiled, letting herself relax at his touch, so comforting, so
comfortable, the very essence of our relationship.
"I like to watch you."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah." He paused, watching me keenly. More serious now. "Scully?"

I knew what he was going to say. "Mulder, I don't want to talk about
it."

"We need to."

"Not now, Mulder. Don't ruin this. For my sake, for the kids'... just
don't."

He looked as if he were going to protest, then shrugged. Fine. We both
fell silent, awkward, and I was about to pull my gaze away when he
tugged me closer beside him, warm against me. I let out a heavy breath,
letting myself relax. This is Mulder. This is beautiful, intense,
comforting Mulder, my rock.


Astrid came flying at Mulder a few minutes later, letting out a gleeful
shriek. She pulled him to his feet and he protested only half-heartedly
as she dragged him away. He managed to crane his neck to face me,
sheepishly apologetic. I didn't mind. We had time together, Mulder and
I. I didn't know how much longer I'd have to see Mulder with the kids. 

I smiled, watching as he lifted Joshua up to grab one of the top bars
of the climbing frame firmly, studiously pulling himself up. Mulder
hovered underneath, reading to catch him if he fell while climbing, but
Joshua had a strong grip and good balance. I shook my head in amazement
as I watched, recalling the difficulty with which my nephew had, at age
two, climbed a small gym set in their backyard. To see Joshua climbing
here with such strength and confidence was perplexing and chilling.
Only days ago he had been scared to go down a slide, now he was as
agile and assured as a monkey. Had he really changed that much in the
past two days? Maybe we all had. Jacqueline was looking more cheerful
than ever, though she seemed a little pale. Astrid was her usual
gleeful, giggling self, running back and forth between Mulder and
Jacqueline with endless energy. And Mulder... The haunted darkness had
gone from his eyes, the wary cynicism from his expression and tone. He
looked reborn, joyously liberated from some heavy weight. It sent my
heart soaring. It wasn't just the refreshing innocence of the kids, it
was the strong connection we had all forged. There was a strong
maternal protectiveness and possessiveness that I felt that I didn't
feel when I was minding my nephews and niece, because those children
belonged to my brothers. But Astrid and Josh and Jacqueline... I felt
as though they were mine, in some unfounded way. Mine and Mulders. 
I smiled to myself as I remembered our intimacy of the night before.
Had it really happened? It seemed too wonderful, too surreal, to have
happened. But it had happened, hadn't it? I'd told him that I loved
him, but we'd both already known that, known that for years. 

Standing, I made my way back over to the swingset, seating myself and
beginning to swing back and forth. Only slowly at first, idly, my feet
dragging a little, my posture relaxed as I breathed in the chilly air.
I made myself go a little higher and laughed suddenly, making myself go
higher and higher until I was flying through the air, the wind in my
face, tugging my hair from its loose ponytail until it streamed out
behind me. I laughed in exhilaration. Higher, higher, higher. It made
me feel young and so, so free, freedom that pumped energy through my
veins. I glanced down to see Mulder and found that he was gazing at me.
"What are you, a seven year old?" he shouted up at me, grinning.

I only laughed, pushing harder. He could call me whatever he wanted, I
didn't care. I felt alive. 

Eventually I came back down to earth, literally and figuratively,
letting myself swing back and forth slowly again, catching my breath
and letting my pulse start to slow.

I smiled at Mulder as he approached me, taking his hands as he extended
them, letting him pull me to my feet, close against him. He leaned in
to kiss me - as always, he was hesitant, cautious of putting a foot
wrong. But he needn't have been worried. I welcomed the kiss, a shy and
infinitely tender kiss but not one entirely lacking passion. It
represented the uniqueness of our relationship; fierce loyalty and
affection, respect, attraction, acknowledgement of sexuality, the
sexual tension which had been there since the beginning of our
partnership. It was indescribable. It was amazing.

He drew back, and I saw shy uncertainty in his eyes. There was an odd
tension between the two of us for a few long seconds as we both
pondered the after effects of that kiss. The first one had been coming
for a long time, but neither of us had really considered what happened
afterward. How fast or how slow, how much we would alter our
relationship. How much we would risk.

I drew a deep breath. "We should get going." 

We were quiet as we gathered the kids, subdued by the after effects of
our actions. It was Astrid who brought our smiles back, proudly showing
us her muddy dark blue slacks where she had finally broken through the
worn knees.

"That's it, we're off to the mall!" I announced briskly. I caught
Mulder's eye and shrugged coyly. I'd been toying with the idea of
getting the kids some new clothes the past day or two. I don't think
I'd seen any of them wearing anything more colourful than dark blue or
green, and I had wonderful visions of Astrid dressed in a pink dress
with ribbons and bows and lace. I knew how maternal I was being about
these kids, but it was irresistible. 

I could feel Mulder's eyes on me the whole time for the next hour as
Jacqueline and I searched through children's clothing stores, sorting
through the colorful, coordinated outfits. Astrid seemed as thrilled
about it as I was, dancing around in the clothes we dressed her in.
Although I didn't end up finding that pink dress I'd imagined her in,
when we finally left the store Astrid looked adorable in red cord
overalls and a striped red, yellow, green and blue t-shirt. She and
Joshua had matching blue and green coats, and under it he wore a
dinosaur print t-shirt and blue cord pants with green cuffs. The store
was pricey but I didn't care. I never had the opportunity to spend my
money on anybody other than myself. 

Macy's was having a sale and I dragged Jacqueline off, leaving the kids
with Mulder. I hadn't had this much energy for shopping since my teens.
Jacqueline hesitantly picked out a close-knit sweater in a rich
chocolate brown while I picked out a bulkier, loose-knit one for myself
in a deep blue. It looked as if the experience was new to Jacqueline,
as if she'd had little choice over her clothing in the past. She looked
like a kid in a candy store for the first time, awed and insecure.

We returned to where we'd left Mulder and the kids and found the spot
empty. I spotted the three of them standing outside a toyshop, all
three faces pressed against the window, watching the mechanical display
with fascination. We pulled them away and all settled down in a small
coffee shop for lunch. I didn't realise how hyperactive I'd been until
I finally sat down and began to relax as I sipped at my coffee. I felt
a rush of tiredness as the adrenalin wore off, became increasingly
aware of my sore feet. Mulder and I had slept in a little this morning,
but I still felt like I was twelve and I'd just gotten home from a
sleepover where I'd had three hours sleep. 

Mulder was quiet - he looked content, I thought, a faint smile on his
lips as he looked across at me. Apart from a little murmured teasing we
were quiet through lunch. Astrid, even more lively than usual, if such
a thing was possibly, compensated for our quiet. She talked endlessly,
unable to keep still. Jacqueline sat in the middle of her siblings,
listening patiently to Astrid's ramblings and at the same time to
Joshua as he told her all about the different dinosaurs depicted on his
new t-shirt. I felt a mix of envy and admiration for her, envy at the
way the kids clung to her, the forwardness that Joshua displayed only
when her. But at the same time I admired her immensely, that she could
deal with them with so much ease. Her maternal skills were incredible,
her tact and strength reminding me of my own mom. But Jacqueline was
only fifteen.

We returned to my place around three in the afternoon, by which time
the kids had worn themselves out. Joshua fell asleep in the car, and I
carried a sleepy Astrid into my apartment. In many ways, they were just
like normal little kids. They had boundless energy, but they needed 
sleep to function, just like the rest of us. 

Mulder and I went into my bedroom, leaving Jacqueline to read quietly
on the couch. We took our bundles of case notes, intending to run
through them again while we could concentrate in the uncommonly quiet
apartment. I don't know how we ended up concentrating more on each
other, but we shared a few chaste, giggling kisses, and it was only the
knowledge that the kids weren't far away that prevented us from going
further. Well, maybe it was our own insecurities as well. We were still
coming to terms with the events of the night before and their
significance.

Our afternoon was spent quietly once the kids woke. The laundry pile
was high and I sent Mulder and Jacqueline down to the basement
laundromat. I was still paranoid enough to not want to leave any of the
kids by themselves, and it wasn't exactly worth all five of us
troopsing down  there to do laundry. Besides, I had other plans.

Astrid, Joshua and I baked cookies.

Yes, I know it was an incredibly homey idea, even corny. But I couldn't
resist. One of my strongest childhood memories was of sitting on the
kitchen counter, helping Mom make cookies, measuring out the flour and
sugar with excruciating carefulness. I felt sure that Joshua and Astrid
had never had a chance to do that and I wanted to give it to them.
I couldn't remember the last time I had had so much fun doing something
so simple. They helped measure and add in the ingredients eagerly,
fighting over the jobs, getting flour everywhere, all over the counter
and the floor and themselves. But I didn't care. It was glorious fun.
Watching them, I was filled with joy, a form of pride. There'd been a
dull ache in my heart, a heaviness that even Mulder's loving care
hadn't been able to shift. That empty void now was filled, overflowing,
making me feel blissfully happy, incredibly content. The only pain left
was the unwelcome knowledge that our time of happiness was running out.
But I shoved that back in my mind, refusing to let it intrude on our
happiness. There would be plenty of time for unhappiness and grieving
later, but not now. 
Mulder returned with one load of clean clothes, still warm from the
dryer, and I folded them, letting Astrid direct me as to whose clothes
were whose. It had been years since I'd seen so much laundry in my
home.

Astrid and Joshua were arranging the folded clothes into neat piles,
Mulder's, mine, Jacqueline's, Astrid's and Josh's. Daddy, Mommy, big
sister, middle sister, baby brother... I shook the thought away. No
way. I couldn't torture myself with thoughts like that. 


Our cookies were forgotten about when Astrid pulled Josh and I into a
game of hide and seek, and I spent the next five minutes scraping the
burnt bits off the rock-solid cookies. Astrid and Josh were proud of
their cooking anyway, and when Mulder and Jacqueline returned with the 
second and last load of fresh washing, they were immediately confronted
with proffered cookies. 
I shrugged sheepishly as Mulder bit into one and tried to hide his
grimace.

Astrid and Joshua settled down in front of the TV, slowly chewing their
way through several cookies each. Jacqueline returned to her book, and
it seemed that we'd all settled down for the night. It was just
half-past five, though, and I really wanted to give the kids just one
last treat. I didn't want our fun to be over yet.

I hunted through a local paper, wishing it was school vacation time.
There would be plenty of things on specifically designed for kids. I
was about to give up when I flipped over the page and saw an
advertisement for a children's theatre. It was a small but lively place
I'd taken my nephew to years ago, desperate to postpone the fourth
watching of 'Babe' for at least a few hours. I checked through the
session times and then glanced down at my watch. They ran several
sessions per day on weekends, but, understandably, the latest session
they had on Sunday nights was a six to seven, a pantomime of Little Red
Riding Hood. It was now a quarter to six, and the theatre was only a
ten minute walk away.

I tore out the advertisement and jumped up, announcing to everybody
that we were going out.

Mulder looked up from his laptop. "Now?" he blinked.

Astrid jumped up enthusiastically. "Where, Dana? Where are we going?"

"My secret." I grinned childishly, holding out their coats. "Come on,
we have to hurry."


         - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- MULDER POV -

We ended up arriving just after the show started, sneaking in the back.
I'd never been in a place like this before. It was a small auditorium
with a stage up the front and a large area of carpeted floor packed
with awed kids. The sight at so many kids brought me to a halt, and
Scully and Jacqueline practically had to drag me to a seat in the rows
of chairs for parents up the back as Astrid and Joshua squeezed in
beside the wall near the front, sitting cross-legged like all the
others, soon enthralled by the story. I watched them for a few moments,
then turned my attention to Scully, who was sitting to my right.
Jacqueline was on her right, and seemed as fascinated by the story as
the kids were, watching with avid interest. As usual, Scully and I
managed to absorb ourselves in a world of our own, whispering to each
other throughout the lengthy pantomime, deafened to the joyous shouts
of the little kids in the audience.

"Is it me, or does Little Red Riding Hood look exactly like Kersch's
secretary?" I murmured in her ear.

"That would make sense, because that wolf sounds suspiciously like
Kersch himself," was her whispered response.

There was a pizza house across the street from the theatre and we
settled in there for dinner. It was a casual, laid back place, with
several tables, a combined bar-lounge area with two pool tables and a
pinball machine. There was a jukebox in the corner and Astrid kept
delightedly feeding into it quarters she'd coaxed from me. I'd been
eyeing up the pool table during our meal, and when the two lanky
teenagers who'd been playing a game there finished I jumped up,
dragging Scully over to the table. 

She grinned at me. "Oh, I don't know, Mulder... Could you show me how
to play?" 

I think we were both remembering our experience with baseball. Her
laughter had rung in my ears for days after that when I'd remembered
that glorious night. I think we were both keen for another lesson, but
our work schedules didn't exactly give us much time to go play
baseball.
We had to settle for snooker. 

Not that it was anything less than wonderful. We spent the next ten
minutes with my arms around her, my hands on hers on the cue. I inhaled
her scent as I nuzzled against her, murmuring teasingly in her ear. We
finally - and reluctantly - pulled apart and began an actual game, in
which she proceeded to kick my ass with a series of tricky but
brilliantly executed shots. She sunk the black ball and smiled up at
me, spinning the cue in her hands. "I win," she said simply.

I grinned, moving closer to her and fastening my hands over her little
ones. "I think you already knew how to play, you little liar," I
whispered.

She grinned. "I knew how to play baseball, too."

It was my turn to sound playfully smug. "I know."

"You know?" Her expression was genuinely surprised and I laughed.

"I spoke to your mom about it a week before we played." Actually, I
spoke to her mom a lot more than I thought she knew. More than I called
my own mom.

"And you didn't say anything even when I claimed not to have ever pl-"

I put a finger on her lips, smiling. "I think we both know that that
night wasn't just about playing baseball."

"Yeah," she agreed softly. She was smiling shyly and I snuck my arm
around her waist, pulling her against me tightly for a minute, laying a
kiss on her hair.


         - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- SCULLY POV -

Mulder paid the check and the five of us stepped out into the street.
It was only a short walk back to my place, but the sidewalks were busy
and Joshua, tired, kept stumbling. Jacqueline picked him up, but barely
a block later, I could see that she was strugling to hold him and keep
up a steady pace. She looked exhausted. We stopped at a set of lights
and I held out my arms to her silently. She passed him over readily,
giving me a brief, tired smile as she let her limp arms fall to her
sides.
Astrid pouted up at Mulder implicitly and he picked her up. I could see
that he smiled despite himself as she slipped her arms around his neck
and pressed her face against his shoulder with a yawn. It was so
utterly sweet. How could he not want this in his life, not just today
but tomorrow and the next day and the next?

By the time we'd reached my apartment only a few minutes later, Josh
had fallen asleep and Astrid was dozing in Mulder's arms. Jacqueline
lay down on the couch as soon as we entered my apartment and so Mulder
and I dressed the still half-asleep kids for bed, tucking them in. I
smiled wistfully as I watched Mulder talking quietly to Astrid as he
tucked her in. He seemed to have a growing attachment to the kids, and
I wasn't sure yet whether that was something I was happy about or not.
It would only make the inevitable goodbyes harder for all of us...

I shook the thought away and knelt beside Jacqueline, a stab of concern
at her unhealthy pallor. I laid a hand on her forehead and winced. It
was ice-cold, beads of sweat running along her hairline.

Jacqueline opened her eyes with a faint murmur. "I'm fine, Dana," she
muttered, drawing a shallow, tired breath.

Yeah, right, as if I'm going to believe that one.
"You're not well," I said quietly. "Do you feel sick? It could be some
reaction to the pizza, like last -"

"I didn't have any dinner." Jacqueline cut me off, letting her eyes
shut heavily again. "I didn't want to, in case it made me sick
again..." she trailed off, but then jolted herself awake, pulling
herself upright on weak limbs. 

I stood, unconvinced. "I can make something for you..." I offered.
"There's plenty of food in the fridge."

"It's okay, really," Jacqui insisted. "I'm not hungry." She stood,
swaying on her feet for a moment, grabbing the corner of the couch for
balance. I knew I was studying her with the eyes of a doctor and I
think she recognised that look. "I'm fine," she said again, almost
defensively.

She pushed past me and I let her go, unconvinced and concerned. I think
I realised then for the first time how frustrating a very unconvincing
"I'm fine" was to deal with. 

I sighed, telling myself that it was probably just the excitement of
the day and her tiredness. We were all worn out. I let the matter rest
and made some coffee. Mulder had returned to his laptop, settled down
at the kitchen table with the phone cable trailed across from the wall.
I hoped my mom wasn't trying to get through. Not that I really wanted
to talk to her at the moment. I couldn't tell her about this situation
yet, not until it was over. But I hated having to keep the truth from
her. It felt so dishonest and made me feel guilty. Maybe it was a good
thing that Mulder was tying up my phoneline.

I set down a coffee mug beside him, standing just behind him and
rubbing his back as I read what was on his laptop screen. Both actions
were unplanned, but they came naturally. If Mulder was doing anything
to do with the case, I wanted to know about it.
It turned out that he was reading the latest edition of The Lone Gunman
in electronic copy, with the blaring headline of 'Secret Government
Files Housed in Ex-President's Hidden Bank Vault!'. I smiled, patting
him on the back and moving on.

It had begun to rain outside and the pleasant pitter-patter of the rain
was soothing. I slipped into my bedroom, settling down in one of my
favourite spots on the floor beside the window, resting my back against
the side of my bed as I sipped my coffee. I knew I probably shouldn't
be drinking it at that time of night, but it was just what I needed.

I loved sitting watching the rain. It was falling at an angle, drops
splashing against the window panes. It was dark in my bedroom except
for the subdued rays of street lights from outside. I sighed
contentedly, stretching out my legs and wiggling my toes. I could
remember sitting there two weeks ago, a lonely woman with pent-up
frustration about the invariableness of my life. As much as I'd loved
Mulder and loved our work, I'd reached the point in my life when I
craved more. Now I felt as though I'd finally gotten what I'd craved,
as though I'd found the myself in the life I'd imagined for myself at
thirty-five, a tender relationship with a man I respected and loved
beyond all, and three clever children not cursed with my hair color.
But I'd never imagined myself so suddenly being thrown headfirst into
such a situation, juggling an ususual romance with an ususual man and
raising a set of unique kids at once.

Not that I was exactly raising these kids, I had to remind myself with
a pang of hopelessness. Mulder and I were just babysitters acting out a
fantasy, because we knew we could never have the real thing ourselves.
I winced and tried to shake away the feeling of the impending end of
our happiness. I didn't want to think about that at all. I wanted to
live in our fantasy for just a little while longer before I had to face
the hard truth.
So I turned my thoughts to Mulder, the way he smiled, the way he
teased, the way he kissed. I smiled to myself. Thinking about Mulder
was like snuggling into a warm, soft comforter, wrapping myself in it,
revelling in the warmth and security.
I hugged my knees against me, letting my chin rest on my knees as I
stared, unfocused, out the window. I sensed his presence in the room
but didn't turn, staring dreamily ahead as he slipped down beside me on
the floor, our shoulders and hips touching, his long legs stretched out
to touch the window with his toes. I could feel the heat of his body
against mine and I snuggled closer to him, letting out a satisfied sigh
as I rested my head on his shoulder. The caffein in the coffee hadn't
kicked in yet and I felt sleepy.

"I like to watch the rain," I confided, smiling dreamily.

He slipped his arm around my shoulders. "You're just a little kid at
heart," he teased affectionately.

I chuckled. "Everybody is." I grasped his hand, which was on my upper
arm, and turned it over, rolling up his sleeve a little to see the
time. It was just past nine-thirty.
"I'm going to get ready for bed," I said quietly. "It's been a long
day."

He nodded, letting my slip out of his grip, picking up my empty coffee
mug carefully and moving past him. 

I left the kitchen light off as I rinsed out my mug, not wanting to
disturb the sleeping children, and in the darkness I stubbed my big toe
on the table leg. I cursed quietly, hopping around and wincing even as
I tried to tell myself not to be such a baby. I'd suffered a lot worse
pain and I'd dealt with it in a far more mature way than I did this.
Shaking my head at my own behaviour, I checked the kids. Joshua and
Astrid were asleep - you could have heard Astrid snoring from a mile
away. Jacqueline was sleeping, but not so soundly. She'd kicked off her
blanket and the sleeves of her pajama shirt were rolled up awkwardly.
Frowning, I laid a hand on her clammy forehead. It was enough to make
her stir, her eyes fluttering open. She let out a small groan when she
saw me. I must have had my anxiety written all over my face.

"I'm fine," she murmured. Her eyes closed again and she rolled over,
clearly refusing to have any discussion with me on the subject.

"Jacqueline..." I tried. Then I sighed. "If you feel any worse, just
get me immediately, okay?"

There was a muffled murmur which I could only assume was a yes, and I
reluctantly stood. "'Night, Jacqui."

I didn't get a response, and I couldn't tell if Jacqueline's shallow
breathing was a result of sleep or whether she was just ignoring me.I
didn't know which theory I preferred. If Jacqueline was getting sick
for some reason the last thing we needed was for her to shut me out.
It was something I thought about as I prepared for bed, taking a quick
shower to wash away the accumulated dirt and sweat from the day. I was
in bed reading when Mulder crawled in beside me, smelling equally fresh
and clean, still wet from the shower, the t-shirt that clung to him
absorbing the droplets on his skin. I quickly switched off my bedside
light, tearing my gaze away from him, and silently questioning whether
sleeping in the same bed was a good idea when I was looking at him like
that. But I shook the idea away. We were both responsible adults. We'd
managed to work together for six years without giving in to impulses.
We could manage this fine.

I dropped my book down on my bedside table and wiggled down between the
sheets, smiling in the darkness as Mulder's arms reached for me,
pulling me against him in a warm embrace. The winds were picking up
speed outside, and the rain stopped for a few seconds before we heard
the first crack of lightning and it came poring down. I listened to the
rain beating down on the roof with a blissful smile, relishing the
comfort and companionship. Normally storms were depressing, emphasizing
my loneliness. But right now, I felt untouchable, so secure. I know
that Mulder felt the same way, because he fell asleep before I did, a
contented smile on his lips. I was just drifting off when an incredibly
loud crack of lightning, followed by an echoing rumble of thunder,
snapped me back to full alertness. I grimaced, sighing heavily, and
letting my eyes close again. I was tired, and I just wanted to sleep in
Mulder's arms.

Then I felt a heavy weight land on my back, accompanied by a shriek of
"Daayyyyyyyyyna!! Fox!!" 

I groaned as Astrid climbed off my back, shaking my shoulder urgently.
Mulder had been woken and had withdrawn his arms, and I rolled over,
blinking, so that I could look up at her. 
"What is it, Astrid?" I think my tone was a little more irritated than
usual, but she didn't notice.

"Daynaaaaa!" Astrid wailed, bouncing on the bed. "It's
scareeeeeeeee..."

"It's just a storm, sweetie," I mumbled. Sleep was beckoning again. 
"Just go back to sleep. It can't hurt you..."

Astrid sniffed. Her lower lip trembled. Tears formed in her eyes,
threatening to spill. Sighing, I lifted the covers, letting Astrid
creep into the bed between the two of us. She let out a happy, bouncy
giggle. I sighed.
Any idea of sleep temporarily postponed, I gently and indulgently
teased Astrid about her fear of the storm, tickling her affectionately
to distract her from the loud gale outside. The worst of it was over in
ten minutes and soon after she fell asleep again, snoring loudly,
between the two of us. I lay on my side side stroking her limp hair
wistfully.

I looked over her to meet Mulder's eyes and we both smiled. "Goodnight,
Mulder," I whispered.

He smiled wistfully and blew me a kiss. "'Night."


      - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- STILL SCULLY POV -

I groaned at the loud, insistent beeping of my alarm clock, fumbling to
switch it off, end the hateful noise that was signalling the end of our
blissful weekend, the end of our game of happy families. I didn't want
to be told that it was time for a reality check. I closed my eyes
tight. Mulder bent over me, kissing my cheek with a mumbled good
morning as he dragged himself out of bed. 
"I've got first shower."

I wasn't going to argue. I lay in bed for several minutes before I
could convince myself to get up, running my hands through my hair,
kicking at a pile of yesterday's dirty clothes that I'd been too lazy
to put in the hamper.

Out in the living room Astrid and Joshua were sitting directly in front
of the tv, and I was surprised how unconsciously the phrase "Don't sit
so close to the TV" came out of my mouth. It was something my parents
had always told me, as parents have told their children since TV was
first invented. 

In the kitchen, I poured myself some orange juice and splashed my face
with cold tap water, trying to wake myself up. My muscles ached as I
stretched them and I winced. I found Jacqueline still asleep on the
couch, looking more peaceful, and I resolved to let her sleep, admiring
the good sense Astrid and Joshua had shown in leaving her, even turning
down the volume of the TV. Oh. Maybe that was why they were sitting so
close...

I could hear the sudden shudder that ran through the old pipes as
Mulder suddenly cut the water and I bit my lip apprehensively as I
thought about going to work. The idea felt awkward, unnatural, that
work was still exactly the same, when it seemed like everything else in
my life had changed. Like returning to the same school after we'd moved
house during vacation. I'd been changed by the past week and I felt
insecurity about whether or not I would still fit in. Well, as much as
I ever really had. I'd changed a lot. This taste of motherhood had been
addictive. But I'd get over, I knew I would, just like I'd gotten over
losing Emily, and -
I frowned at an unwelcome, niggling question in my brain. *Had* I
really gotten over losing Emily? Had I really gotten over any of my
suffering? Or had I just pushed it so far down that I'd managed to
convince myself that I had dealt with it and accepted it? Was my strong
attachment to Astrid and Joshua a way of dealing with my loss of Emily,
my inability to have children - for that, I knew, was what the loss of
Emily really symbolised to me. The questions were unwelcome and I tried
to shrug off the dark mood they had brought. 

"Don't go there, Dana," I whispered to myself, fiercely warning. I
managed to bring my thoughts back to our current situation, putting
steel barriers up in my mind to keep it on track. We were going to work
today, and we were going to arrange a meeting with Skinner. We'd agreed
to tell Skinner today, to seek his opinion and his help. But...
I frowned. The idea jarred. I moved quickly, rapping on the bathroom
door. "Mulder?"

"It's unlocked," he called. I felt a tinge of surprise at his level of
comfort in my home. Living in a big family had taught me the lifelong
habit of locking the bathroom door to prevent siblings barging
inwithout knocking.

I turned the knob hesitantly. Mulder was standing in front of the
mirror in dress pants and an undershirt, shaving.

Pushing down my sudden inpulse to slide my arms around him in a tight
hug, I sat down uncomfortably on the rim of the bath and watched him
for a second, having last minute indecisions. Then I plunged ahead. 
"We need to talk about Skinner."

He half turned to look at me. "What about Skinner?"

Again, I hesitated for a moment, wondering briefly whether I was just
letting my paranoia blur my belief. Then I drew a deep breath. "I don't
think we can trust him with this."

He didn't answer immediately. In fact, he didn't answer for several
seconds. It only made me more anxious.

"Well?" I demanded. I tried to calm the tightening knot in my stomach
with deep breaths but it didn't work. I couldn't help feeling so
incredibly anxious about what was going to happen to the kids. They
were our responsibility, we had to protect them. I didn't trust
Skinner, and I wasn't willing to hand the kids over to anybody I didn't
trust.

"There's not really any other option, is there, Scully?" he asked
finally. I could see his grim reflection in the mirror. 

"It just seems that..." I winced, trying to explain myself. "You said
yourself that you weren't so sure that we could trust him anymore...
And - and what could he do, anyway? How could he keep these kids safe
any better than we've been doing?"

Mulder turned to face me, rubbing his face dry with a towel. "So what
are you saying, Scully?" His voice lacked the gentle teasing note that
had warmed my heart and was instead jarringly demanding and tired, as
though he had already explored the same paths in his own mind endless
times.

"I'm saying that just need to be incredibly careful. If those kids fall
into the wrong hands... Mulder, these are *children* that we're talking
about here. They need to be protected."

"But not by us," he shot back with sudden anger. "Damnit, Scully, these
aren't our kids. They're not yours. And you have to accept that and
stop stalling. We *agreed* to wait until Monday. That was what you
said, remember? 'Just this weekend', that was what you said."

His anger stung and I fought back the pain it caused. My anger flared,
and I hated him for what he was saying, hated it because I knew it was
right.

"I don't trust him," I said thickly, my lips set, arms crossed tightly.
My voice was choked up with anger and I was fighting to keep tears at
bay. "And I don't give a damn what you or anybody else says, because
somebody needs to stick up for these kids and make sure they don't
spend the rest of their lives as medical guinea pigs!" I almost broke
and had to clench my teeth hard as I shook with anger.

"Scully, look at yourself," he pleaded, an angry warning. "You're
losing focus. You can't lose focus."

"Lose focus of *what*?!" I demanded, frustrated and humiliated. 

Mulder sighed heavily, letting his arms fall limply to his sides, as if
too tired to argue any more. "Scully, you're becoming too emotionally
attached..." His anger had drained away and he spoke with tired
certainty, his eyes softening, pleading with me.

I was shaking my head in disbelief, still shaking, vaguely aware that
warm tears were slipping down my cheeks but beyond caring. "How can you
say that?" I whispered. The quiet, hurt, dull anger between us now was
worse than the passionate shouting only a minute before. The tension
hung heavily between us, keeping us apart. "Mulder, you were the one
leading me into that world," I whispered unhappily. "The more you
kissed me and made me feel loved, the more I wanted to stay there..." 

"You can't stay there, Scully." His voice was quiet and stern but
apologetic, wistful. "I'm sorry, but you can't."

My anger resurfaced rebelliously. "Don't you tell me what to do," I
threatened. Tears were still streaming down my cheeks but I didn't
care. "I'll do what I see is *right*, just like I always have. And if
you don't like it you can damn well get out!" 
I regretted the words as soon as they'd left my mouth and hugged myself
tightly, not wanting to meet his eyes and see the impact of my stupid,
cutting words.

"Is this what it's come to?" His tone was almost conversational, bitter
and dry. I knew what he was doing because I'd seen him do it so many
times before. He was using sarcasm to mask deep hurt. I looked up at
him and that was enough to pierce his armour. He swallowed, holding my
gaze unhappily, his shields down. "Seven years together, Scully... Are
these kids more important to you than the last seven years?"

I felt sick. The enormity of the emotions that were swamping me was
overwhelming. I sank back down on the edge of the bath and rested my
head in my hands, drawing shallow, shaky breaths. My head swam. I
forced myself to look up at him and tried to speak, but no words would
come out. I just shook my head, sucking in a deep breath to hold back
sobs. Mulder quietly moved toward me and I fell against him, slipping
my arms around his neck as Astrid might have, pressing my face into the
crook of his neck.

"I'm sorry, Scully," he whispered. He sounded guilty and ashamed, andI
wondered why. Was he guilty because he'd made me cry? I cursed myself
for the show of weakness even as I tightened my grip on him.

"You matter most, Mulder," I whispered. "You know that."

"I know that, I know that," he reassured comfortingly.
He drew away, kneeling on the tiles before me and taking my hands,
lacing them through his own. "I'm not sorry I kissed you, Scully. I'm
not sorry about what happened this weekend. But it had to end
sometime."

"Did it?" I looked up at him, unhappy. I didn't want to accept that.
Did it really have to end? How come everything good in my life always
had to end? It was unfair. There was no justice in it all. The good
things ended but the bad things never did, they never went away. I
hated it, hated it with all my being.

"Yes, it did," he confirmed sadly. His gaze was as unhappy and weary as
my own. He rubbed his thumb over mine gently, looking pleadingly up at
me. But I turned away and withdrew my hand from his grip. I didn't want
to touch him, not then. 

"You can call Skinner," I said tonelessly. I paused at the doorway,
half turned, but then thought the better of it, leaving, closing the
door gently after myself, and leaning with my back to the closed door
for a moment as I tried to compose herself, stop myself from shaking. 
I was about to slip into my bedroom when I saw Jacqueline standing at
the other end of the hallway, hovering anxiously. I took a few steps
toward her, arms crossed. "I guess you heard that, huh?"

Jacqueline half-shrugged. "Sounded bad," she said briefly, licking her
lips nervously. "You were talking about us, right? Arguing about what
to do with us?"

"Yes," I admitted, meeting Jacqueline's gaze honestly. She nodded
slowly. I turned and went into my bedroom, closing the door after me
and sinking down with my back against it.

         - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- MULDER POV -

The first thing I heard when I finally found the courage to leave the
bathroom was in French. I discovered the kids sitting around the
kitchen table speaking fluently in the language. Jacqueline glanced up,
meeting my eyes warily and I recalled what Scully had said last night
about her not looking healthy. It wasn't very apparent now, but she did
look paler than usual, I had to admit, bundled up in her warm coat in
the heated apartment. Astrid and Joshua were both digging through bowls
of cereal as they spoke, but Jacqueline had nothing.

I shook the thoughts from my mind. I had bigger things to worry about.
I'd miscalculated, most definitely. Sure, I'd known that she would be
reluctant to hand the kids over, but her defensive anger had made me
realise completely how possessive and protective she felt toward them.
She'd always put her job first, been loyal to me, saving me from
whatever half-assed suicidal stunts I pulled no matter how much of an
asshole I was. I hadn't asked her to make the x-files her life as it
had become mine. I hadn't wanted somebody so intelligent and beautiful
with so much to find in life to end up next to me. I didn't deserve her
loyalty, I never had. It was her devotion to our cause that had taken
an ordinary life away from her. It was my fault that she would never be
a mother, that she might never be a wife. And I'd had the balls to yell
at her because she'd found herself attached to some orphaned kids...
She was right - I shouldn't have told her how she could live. It wasn't
my right. She was having a hard enough time dealing with it herself
without my cruel interference. I could only imagine the turmoil of
knowing that, however attached she had become to the kids, they weren't
hers and she couldn't keep them.

Unless -

The word crept suddenly into my mind. Unless. Scully had tried to adopt
Emily. I'd hated the idea at first. Testifying at the adoption hearings
had been bitterly difficult, endorsing Scully's application with the
knowledge that if her efforts were successful it would mean the end of
our partnership. I hadn't wanted to help her, to support her. I wanted
to ignore the whole thing, wait for Scully to realise how unrealistic
she was being and come back to me and our partnership. Selfishly, I
didn't want our closeknit partnership changed. My life revolved around
her - I couldn't let her go. But seeing Scully with Emily, I'd seen the
wistful longing in her eyes, and I'd made the agonizing decision to
support her, knowing that it was heartbreak either way and it was
better mine than hers. Scully had been through enough heartbreak. 
But I wondered what would have happened if Emily hadn't died, if Scully
had gotten custody of a daughter she didn't know. I wondered how
different we would be. If there would even still be a 'we'. There
wouldn't be, I knew, and was grateful for it, angry at my selfishness
in thinking that, but grateful nonetheless. But now... 

I rapped sharply on her bedroom door and was about to turn the knob
when the door opened. 
"What?" Scully looked up at me expectantly, eyes clear and tranquil,
tearstains gone, hair brushed neatly. She'd slipped her robe on over
her pajamas, tied it tightly. Her gaze said firmly that the matter was
closed, that she had finished arguing.

I swallowed once, then shook my head. "Nothing."

She nodded, pushing past me and locking herself in the bathroom. A few
seconds later I heard the shower start up.
The matter was closed, we could both forget about it now. That was what
her gaze had said. But it frustrated me. We both know that it wasn't
over yet, that it had created a rift between us, a gaping chasm that we
could no longer reach each other across. It wouldn't be over until that
rift was closed.


I was sitting on the edge of the bed when Scully reappeared after her
shower. She stood in the doorway, dressed in her white robe, a matching
white towel wrapped around her wet hair. A vision in white. I was aware
of her gaze on me for several seconds before I lifted mine to meet it,
and we stared at each other awkwardly. She broke away first, moving
over to her wardrobe.

She was seemingly ignoring me as she flipped through her clothes, until
she turned suddenly, mouth working. "I'm sorry, Mulder. You were right,
just as always. We have to move on... just as always."

"I don't accept that," I said quietly.

She swallowed disbelievingly. "What's not to accept, Mulder? I'm
telling you that you're right. That's what you want to hear, right?"

"I want you to be honest with me, that's what I want, Scully." How many
times had I told her that? She thought that she was protecting herself,
or me, but she wasn't. She winced and I went on. "Scully, unless we're
honest, this rift is just going to get wider and wider and... I don't
want that."

"Neither do I," she admitted. She turned, pulled her black pinstripe
suit from the wardrobe and then moved across to the dresser, rifling
through the drawers. She turned to face me again and asked with a
nervous impatience, "Could I have some privacy to get dressed, please?"

For a brief second I was tempted to stay, force us to address the
issue. But I had no desire for any further arguments between us, and so
I nodded, quietly withdrawing from the room.


         - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- MULDER POV -

It felt strange to be back in my apartment, sitting beside Scully on
the couch. Since the case with my neighbour she hadn't been over as
often, and I couldn't blame her for it. Sometimes I didn't know how I
could stand to live there, a place that had been ransacked and bugged,
where I'd shot a man, where my partner had almost died. I wondered how
she dealt with living in the apartment where Melissa had been shot.
Maybe she just didn't think about it. That was how I dealt with it most
of the time, unless I was feeling remorseful and wanted to torture
myself with guilt. 

We were both nervous, both of each other and of our impending meeting
with Skinner. Feet and fingers tapping - we were like kids outside the
principal's office.

I kept glancing at her, discreet sideways glances, desperate to know
what she was thinking as we sat there. If she noticed, she didn't show
any reaction. Actually, she didn't really show any emotion as she sat
there. Her retreat behind her mask was frustrating, to say the least.

The knock at the door, although something we were both silently
dreading, was almost a welcome relief from our silent, tense
companionship.

Assistant Director Skinner stood in my doorway, his expression stern. I
don't think I'd ever seen him looking anything other than stern. His
sternness was his way of concealing anxiey and paranoia, or whatever
other emotions he experienced. His stern impatience was to him what my
cynicism was to me, and what coldness was to Scully. A mask.

"I have a meeting at twelve," he said shortly. "So be quick."
He glanced around my apartment, his eyes ranging over the mess we had
created ten minutes earlier in a hurried search for any survelliance
equipment, finally settling on Scully. 

"Sir, we had to ensure that this meeting be completely private," she
began. "We need your help."

"With what?" he asked cautiously, expression hard.

I gestured for him to sit and then sat myself, next to Scully on the
couch again. "Sir, we have in our custody three children whose lives
are in danger."

Once again, the Assistant Director's eyes ranged around the apartment,
this time more curious, searching.

"They're not here," Scully said shortly. I glanced across at her and
could see the uneasiness in her eyes. I could imagine what she was
thinking - what if somebody did have power over him and they were
listening in right now? What if the two of us were virtually signing
the kids' death warrants? But the kids were safe, for the time being.
We'd dropped them at the gunmen's place on our way here.

"How are their lives in danger?"

"They were in the house at the time their parents were murdered," I
said smoothly. "The killer may have seen them and believes that they
were witnesses to the crime."

"And has any attempt been made on these children's lives?"

"There was an attempted kidnapping," Scully answered. Her tone was
short, defensive.  

"We were hoping," I added, "that you could organize a safe house for
the witnesses while Scully and I went to investigate further."

Skinner stared at them both for a long, long time, tapping his fingers
thoughtfully. "You assumed custody of these children on... which day?"

I counted back the days. "Tuesday." Tuesday, and today was Monday. Had
it only been six days?

"And you've only now decided to come forward and relinquish the care of
these children to the proper authorities?" His tone was hard.

"We've done what's in the best interest of the children," Scully said
tightly. She met our superior's gaze defiantly and I hid a smile. I
loved when she was so strong and confident. I loved her strength.

"Agents, this case has officially been dropped, as has all
investigation into the murders. I therefore have no alternative but to
call my superiors and alert them to the situation so that these
children can be placed with their legal guardians." Skinner grimaced as
he spoke, reeling off the words heavily like a reluctantly learned
speech. He made it painfully clear that he had his own orders to
follow.

Scully looked pleadingly at him. "Sir... I know you've done a lot for
us in the past. Please, *please*, if you can help us..."

Skinner drew some deep breaths, looking indecisive. "Agents, I can't-
My career is on the line as it is..."

"And now your life is on the line," I said shortly, cocking my gun and
pointing it at his head. Scully bit her lip apprehensively at my daring
- insane? - course of action, but said nnothing. She knew that I knew
what I was doing. At least, I thought I did. 
"Sir, these kids need protection, and if you don't listen to what I'm
saying very, very carefully, you won't live to regret it. Do you
understand what I'm saying?"

Skinner clenched his teeth, determined to show no fear. "Yes." He
looked across at Scully, who returned his gaze unfalteringly. Her
shining eyes met mine and she half-smiled. I think she knew then that I
was doing this for her sake. I wonder if she'd picked up by that stage
that I would have done anything for her sake. I knew how desperately
she needed security for the kids, and I was going to get it for her any
way I could.

"You can put the gun down, Mulder, I'll listen."

Keeping my weapon trained, I glanced across at Scully, who nodded. I
laid the weapon down on the coffee table before me, close enough to be
snatched up if needed, and turned back to Skinner. "You're ready to
listen now?" I asked coolly, my tone almost conversational.

Skinner nodded. 

"Good. Now, if you repeat a word of what I'm about to tell you, you'll
be endangering the lives of three children. You understand that?"

"Get on with it, Mulder."

"Do you *understand that*?" My voice was hard.

"Yes, I understand that." He was growing impatient. "Now tell me why
these kids are in so much danger."

I glanced across at Scully and a silent conversation took place before
I shifted my gaze back to Skinner. For the next twenty minutes Skinner
listened as Scully and I related the bare bones of the story, how the
kids had come to be in our custody, how we had fled, the precautions
we'd taken. The only details we very deliberately omitted were the
events in the evolution of our relationship and Jacqueline's admission
of guilt in her parents murder. To spill the first would most likely be
the end of our partnership, and to spill the second would land
Jacqueline in a lot more trouble that we were already in.

When our story was finished Skinner spent the next ten minutes shooting
questions at us, until he finally leant back, satisfied. "So you want
these kids in a safe house so you can go back and investigate this
Genesis Project, is that right?"

Scully and I nodded, both apprehensive but trying not to show it. I had
to clench my fist to prevent myself from reaching out to grab her hand.

Skinner stood. "You do realise that there are limits to how safe a
safe-house can really be, don't you? There are spies everywhere within
the bureau." He showed a moment of real bitterness as he added, "A lot
of honest people being made to do dirty work."

"Sir, we were hoping that you could pick out a team of agents you trust
for the task... or even stay there on watch yourself." Scully winced
nervously as he stared at her, but to both our surprise, he nodded.

"I've only got review meetings planned today. I can put them off. I
assume you'll be wanting to leave immediately?"

I glanced across at Scully and could see fleeting panic in her eyes.
Neither of us had really assumed anything like that, and I think she
was still against the idea of having told him anything. The fact that
he was now almost taking over the situation was unpleasant, but I still
had faith in him. He'd saved our lives so many times that we owed it to
him to trust him.

I murmured something in agreement and ushered Skinner out, the two of
us discussing the security measures needing to be taken. I can't even
remember the half of what was said, or whether it was coherent. I was
too preoccupied with the utter misery that Scully was making little
effort to hide now that we were alone. I sat down on the couch,
watching her cautiously as I spoke.
"He's going to go organise the safe house. We've gotta get the kids all
packed up and meet him there, then go book a flight."

Scully sat down beside me, leaving a sizeable gap on the couch between
us, and studying her hands as she clasped them together. "Mulder," she
began slowly, "Have you thought about what exactly we're going to be
looking for when we get there?"

"Proof," I said matter of factly.

"Proof of what?" she questioned pointedly. "Mulder, if we uncover that
there are biogenetic experiments taking place then we're exposing
Jacqueline and Astrid and Josh."

I shrugged. I hadn't really fleshed the whole thing out. I hadn't
really had enough time to think through it. There'd been more pressing
issues at hand... 
"So we don't link it to them. We say that they witnessed the murder of
their parents and that's why they need protection. That's all that
Skinner's going to tell him. Uncovering the Genesis Project doesn't
necessarily mean uncovering the kids."

Scully frowned reluctantly. "I just don't see what sort of proof you're
expecting to find, Mulder. Without proving that children have been
created, you can't prove that they've broken the laws on genetic
cloning."

"We'll find something, Scully," I reassured her, not feeling very
confident.

She hesitatingly slipped her hand over mine. "We need to Mulder, or
else these kids will never be safe. And I don't think I could live with
that."

I nodded, squeezing her hand tightly, feeling the rift between us
closing a little. We left my apartment only a few minutes later,
packing up the kids' stuff which had ended up scattered throughout
Scully's apartment, toys, books, clothing. Scully packed them all
neatly, her face expressionless. I saw her composure shake only for a
second as she passed her picture covered fridge, colorful drawings by
Astrid and Joshua held up by magnets. I watched as she hesitated about
pulling them down, then continued past, leaving them untouched. At the
gunmen's office we found Byers at a computer with Astrid and Joshua,
watching as Astrid's fingers flew over the keyboard as she played an
eighties-style spelling game, which Byers sheepishly explained was the
only children's game he could find online to download at such short
notice. Jacqueline was seated at their kitchen table talking to Langly
and Frohike, looking noticeably pale but insisting she was "just tired"
when Scully quizzed her on it.


         - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- SCULLY POV -

The pickup took only a few minutes and then we were heading toward the
safe house Skinner had orgainzed. The journey seemed painfully short,
like all journeys whose ends are dreaded, and I sat gripping the
seatbelt strap anxiously between my sweaty hands. 
We pulled up at the curb and I glanced into the back seat for the first
time, wondering how the kids were faring. Jacqueline's lips were set,
her face expressionless. Astrid was clinging to her, looking close to
tears but stubbornly holding them back, and Joshua was curled up,
resting his head on Jacqueline's thigh, his eyes closed, his face as
blank as Jacqueline's. I would have almost believed that he was asleep
if it hadn't been for his little clenched fists. Had he genuinely
formed some attachment to us, that he was unhappy it was now being
broken?

Skinner was waiting on the footpath. The safehouse was one of the less
conspicious kind, not surrounded by a high mesh fence but just a small
suburbian house with an unkept garden and blinds pulled in all windows.

Mulder climbed out without hesitation. I slowly released my seatbelt,
letting the fabric slide through my fingers as it retracted. Just as
slowly I swung around in my seat to look over at the kids, meeting
Jacqueline's eyes.
"You ready to go inside?"

Jacqueline nodded, lips still set.

The four of us walked up the front steps. Astrid gripped my hand
firmly. Jacqueline was holding Joshua in her arms, murmuring to him as
he buried his face in her sweater. Inside the house was cool and dark
compared to the sunny warmth of outside. After giving my eyes a chance
to adjust to the dark, I glanced around the front hallway. The room to
the left was a living room, with some comfortable looking couches, a
TV, and some bookcases filled with reading material.
Standing in the hallway ahead of us was Mulder, Skinner, Skinner's
assistant, and an agent I didn't recognise, a man in his mid forties
with greying hair. Standing together, they looked so formidable that I
got a sudden chill of fear and almost backed up and ran out of the
house. I shook myself. Mulder was here, and so was Skinner, and
Skinner's assistant, Kimberly, who'd been working for him almost as
long as he'd been our superior. Things were going to be fine. 

Kimberly approached us with her usual polite smile, nodding in
greeting. 
"Agent Scully." She smiled down at Astrid, who pulled closer to me,
glancing up at me anxiously. As much as I hated the situation, I loved
the trust she put me in. 

"It's okay, sweetie," I reassured, feeling very unassured myself. "This
lady's name is Kimberly, and she's going to help look after you while
Mulder and I go away for a bit, 'kay?" 
I tried to smile but I didn't think it was very convincing. We'd
already explained to the kids what would happen, but Astrid was pouting
nevertheless. 

"I don't want you to go, Dana," she said stubbornly. She tugged at my
hand with surprising strength. "You have to stay here and look after me
and Josh."
I almost gave in to her. She was right. They didn't want me to go, I
didn't want to go, and I could hardly see what we were going to achieve
by going anyway. The Genesis Project had been running for twenty years
in complete secrecy. I found it hard to believe that we'd be able to
dig anything incriminating up on them. They were too slick for us. It
was something too impossibly huge to deal with. But I knew we had to
try. 

I sighed, managing to extract my hand from Astrid's grip and kneel in
front of her, gripping her shoulders. 
"Astrid, honey, Fox and I explained this to you, remember? We have to
go do some investigating, so we can catch the bad men who are out there
somewhere looking for you. So, whaddya say, huh?" Again, I tried to
smile, and again, I don't think I succeeded.

Astrid's lower lip trembled and she began to cry. I winced, and was
about to pull her into a hug when Kimberly pulled the child away.
"You have to let Dana go now, Astrid," she said calmly, with the same
brisk efficiency that she'd managed the assistant director for five
years. I had to bite my lip to stop myself from screaming for her to
let go of Astrid. My Astrid. I stood, my arms hanging limply by my
sides, listening helplessly as Astrid's sobs grew louder. 

Mulder and Skinner pushed past me in the hallway, each laden up with
bags of toys and clothing. The unnamed agent had found a bag of toys
and took them into the living room, tipping them out on the rug.
Kimberly had led Astrid in there and I watched as she tried to wipe
away Astrid's tears, trying to distract her by talking to her about the
toys. Jacqueline, still standing beside me with Joshua clinging to her
legs, looked utterly miserable. 

"I'd better go... Astrid needs me," she said shakily. She pulled Joshua
back up into her arms and he immediately buried his face once again in
the soft brown wool. "But... you'll be back, won't you Dana?" She
looked at me anxiously, pleadingly, and I nodded. 

"I promise," I reassured her. Jacqueline half-smiled and followed into
the living room, lowering Joshua to the floor and sinking down herself,
letting Astrid throw her arms around her and hug her tightly.

I could hear the dull hum of Mulder and Skinner talking in the kitchen
as I watched the kids clinging to Jacqueline. Kimberly managed to coax
them away from Jacqueline a little, and I watched with deep envy as
Astrid hesitatingly began to piece together the tricky wooden puzzle.
There was a painful lump in my throat and I desperately craved the
relief of tears. I held it back. It wouldn't help anybody.

I felt a hand on her back and turned to face Mulder. He was so calm and
it frustrated me. How could he wear that calm confidence when I felt as
though I was crumbling, eroding? My anger only made me feel weaker,
adding another stress crack to the dam wall holding back my emotions.

"Skinner brought his secretary because she was the closest he could
find to a female agent in such a short time," he explained gently. 
"Agent Moorehouse has four kids of his own and he's been on the job
fifteen years. They'll look after them, Scully."

I stared up at him, fighting to stop myself from trembling. "I... I
want to say goodbye to them." I turned away, taking a step toward the
door to the living room. I could hear Jacqueline reading to 
Joshua, a book I'd read to him. The little engine who could. It was his
favorite book, Jacqueline had said.

Mulder put a hand on my shoulder and I stopped still. "No, Scully."

I turned to face him, biting my lip so hard I could taste blood to hold
back my tears. We held gazes for a long second before he held his arms
out, ready and willing to comfort me. But I turned away, walking down
the hallway and pushing the front door open, stepping out into the
glaring sunlight and hurrying my pace as I pulled the car door open and
slid into the driver's seat, gripping the steering wheel so tightly
that in a minute my fingers were numb.

I didn't shed a single tear on the drive home.

         - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- MULDER POV -

We flew into Green Bay airport and then hired a car, reaching Mansfield
just before four. We booked two motel rooms on the outskirts of town,
only a few miles from the compound where the Genesis Project was run.
Our first stop was the police department which had handled the case
originally. Detective Gregson gave us what little information he knew
about the Macfarlane Corporation's facilities out on Felicity Road,
but, unable to glean anything useful from his typewritten notes, we had
no alternative than to turn up at the tall, sprawling complex as Drs
Scully and Mulder, reps from a large private hospital in DC. Scully had
suggested the approach, which had surprised me, because she'd never
really struck me as comfortable when playing a role. Me, on the other
hand... I could rattle off lies smoothly forever without letting it get
to my conscience. Well, unless Scully were involved. Lying to her
always made me feel as guilty as hell.

We were shown into a well furnished office where a middle aged man with
steely grey eyes rose to greet us, smiling suavely. His smile didn't
falter over the next twenty minutes as we questioned him, his answers
coming smoothly and readily. I hid my disgust at the man's oily, smug
complacency, savoring his reaction when I asked about the Genesis
Project.

"That, my dear doctors," he said stiffly, his smile sickeningly false,
"is one of our best kept secrets." Scully and I looked enquiring and he
continued, "Here at the Macfarlane Corp. we've been investigating the
mysteries of genetics for the past twenty years, cloning cells, growing
things from cells."

"'Things'?" Scully queried.

His confidence was visibly restored and he managed the smooth smile
again. "Bacteria, mainly. The past few years we've been able to grow
small insects, slugs, worms, flies... only small fry, you understand,
but a remarkable achievement nevertheless."

"I'm sorry, you've confused me here... 'grow'?" I think I sounded
sincerely puzzled.

The suave Doctor Gilchrist smiled patronisingly. "It's a very
complicated process... and I'm afraid I really shouldn't be talking
about it. All our work in that field is classified." He stood,
indicating that the interview was over. "If you're interested in a tour
of the facilites, just ask at the front desk..."

We took the hint, thanked him and left. We returned to the large foyer
with its glass-plated windows and sat flipping through pamphlets from a
rack, searching for any mention of the Genesis Project. There was none
in any, not surprisingly, but what we did find was a map of the
facility, detailing what could be found on each of the five levels of
the building, text beside the map announcing that tours through the
facilities were available any time though all areas except the
restricted areas, which were marked in red on the map. These areas, it
explained contained hazardous materials, or else, were private offices.
"Somebody's desperate to show that they have nothing to hide," I
muttered.

We were taken on a tour of the facility - every inch of non-restricted
space - by a young man with a droning voice who clearly agreed with me
that touring the head offices of medical suppliers was a most inane
thing to do. As we walked down carpeted hallways looking through
windows at men in labcoats tapping away at computers or working with
complex machinery, I was becoming more frustrated at our time wasting.
I eyed the security pass hanging on the back of our guide's belt and
wondered if I could grab and pocket it without the guide noticing.
Then, as I saw a man in sweatsoaked jogging gear push open a door with
the sign 'Mens locker room', I got a better idea. 
I tagged on behind Scully and the still-droning guide until we'd turned
a corner and had stopped near the end of the next corridor, then I
excused myself to go to the bathroom. The guide looked anxious for a
moment, but I think that the urgent wince on my face was enough to
convince him, and he pointed down the corridor we'd just come. I caught
Scully's eye and held it reassuringly for a moment before dashing off. 
I pulled open the door to the small locker room and steam came rushing
out. I could hear a shower running and grinned to myself when I saw the
white labcoat hanging in an open locker. And on the lapel of the
labcoat, a security pass with the number 4 printed on it in a bold, red
letter. Bingo. It didn't even have a name or photograph. I unclipped it
quickly, pocketing it. I returned to Scully and our guide, both of whom
were looking incredibly bored, and excused Scully and I on the pretext
of an emergency phone call. We would, I assured our guide, find our own
way out.

I swiftly led the way down the corridors we had just come til we
reached an elevator with the words EMPLOYEES ONLY engraved on a chrome
placard. There was a panel beside the door and I swiped the card
through it, grinning as a light flicked to green and a chrome plate
slid across to reveal up and down buttons. I hesitated for a moment.
"Up or down?"

Scully glanced down at the map of the facility. A lot of the restricted
areas were on the lower floors toward the back of the building. "Down,"
she said firmly. I pressed the button and the chrome plate slid back
into place. The elevator arrived - empty, thankfully - and we stepped
inside. We both saw the basement button at the same time, our gazes
meeting sharply.

"That's not on the map at all," Scully murmured.

"Down we go," I announced quietly, pressing the B button lightly and
glancing down at her with a grin. I snaked my arm around her waist
briefly, squeezing her reassuringly, and she smiled in thanks. The
elevator bumped to a halt and we stepped out hesitantly into a dark,
carpeted corridor. It was colder down here - cold and dark and still,
the only lighting a series of long fluorescent lights spread at
intervals, some of them flickering. The walls were a shiny pale blue,
painted concrete, and the carpet was blue flecked with black. The
corridor came to an end about ten meters away either way, leading off
to other corridors.


         - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- SCULLY POV -

Silently, Mulder and I began to explore, glancing over the contents of
pinup boards, carefully pushing open door after identical door to
reveal offices, file storage rooms, even a kitchen. It was very much an
office environment, desks with desktops or laptops, surrounded by small
knick knacks, photo frames. The kitchen had several rows of coffee mugs
hanging ready to be used, the usual sign about the sink reminding
people to clean up after themselves, a refridgerator relatively full of
all sorts of food. We were beginning to think that we'd found nothing
more than offices when we turned the corner and I pushed open a door
into a playroom. 

It was a large room, the walls were covered with posters and pictures,
ranging from the numbers and the alphabet to mathematical and
scientific formulae, all written out neatly in what I recognised as
Jacqueline's handwriting. There were several tables and desks, one
corner with three shiny new networked computers, beanbags on the floor.
Shelves adorned two walls entirely, covered with hundreds upon hundreds
of books, some children's books but most textbooks. Along some of the
lower shelves were educational puzzles stacked neatly. Out of
curiousity, I pulled open a filing cabinet in one corner, and by the
light of my flashlight I could see that it was filled with crudely done
child's drawings and paintings. Holding one up to study closely, I saw
the neat printing of an adult in the lower right hand corner. SUSIE, it
said. 08/06/85. I shoved the painting back in the filing cabinet,
pulling out a handful of them, sorting through. Susie, David, David,
Jacqueline-- I held it up and drew a deep breath as I studied it
wistfully, wishing I'd been able to know Jacqueline as a child, less
cynical about the world. I returned it, pulling out the next drawerful
and finding pictures by Astrid and Joshua. I shoved the drawers shut
with disgust. Who *filed* children's artwork? It was ridiculous. 
Returning my attention to the shelves, I discovered worn exercise
books, pulling out random ones and flicking through them. Geometry,
algebra, calculus, exercise upon exercise done in Jacqueline's hand.
There were dates on the front of each book, showing that most of the
two hundred odd paged exercise books had been filled in a matter of
days or weeks. I was flipping through a book of Joshua's, marvelling at
the pages and pages of neatly but painfully drawn letters and numbers.
He'd just been beginning to write simple words when the entries in the
book suddenly ended. The whole room had the same sort of frozen in time
feeling, like a school deserted during vacation time.

Mulder tapped me on the shoulder and I looked up. "What?"

"We should go," he warned unhappily.

I nodded reluctantly, sliding the book back onto the shelf and taking
his offered hand up. One last glance around the room and then we
slipped back out into the darkened corridor. As I eased the door behind
me shut with a quiet click I felt a stab of misery, my thoughts flying
to the kids in the safehouse, Astrid's tearful pleas. 

The next door along required the card to be swiped again, and yielded
another storage room, this one with overflowing filing cabinets. We
flicked through the contents of the cabinets, and I had a hard time
keeping my emotions at bay. Photographs, reports, psychological
evaluations, health evaluations; every move Jacqueline, Joshua or
Astrid had ever had had been studied and noted. 
I stared long and hard at a photo of eleven year old Jacqueline smiling
as she held a bundled up newborn Astrid carefully and confidently in
her arms. It was the only photo I had found of her in which her smile
had been genuine, and after a moment's hesitation, I slipped the photo
into the inside pocket of my jacket. Back out in the hallway, we turned
the corner into the next corridor and then stopped short as we saw a
door a few feet along to the left slowly opening, bright light and
jumbled sounds spilling out. 
"Shit," Mulder muttered. We dived into an unlocked room on our right,
an observation room with a large window out into the corridor. We
crouched down close together in the dark against the door in utter
silence. It wasn't the first time we'd been in danger of being caught
trespassing, but the efficiency of this place was frightening. It would
be easy for them to disappear a couple of federal agents...
Night was falling outside, according to my watch, but it seemed as if
the day were just beginning outside from what glimpses we could get.
Hallway lights were fully turned on, there was a constant buzz of
noise, phones ringing, people talking, the whirring of photocopiers;
the place seemed to be coming to life. 
Frustratingly, the large observation mirror was one sided, and from
inside the room we could only see a dull reflection of the darkened
room, lit only by the light that crept through the crack under the
door. The window was large, giving a view into the whole room, except,
we hoped, our corner by the door.

"Now what?" I muttered, looking at Mulder for an answer.

He sighed heavily. "We wait."

I looked at him disbelievingly. I didn't want to wait here, it was too
stressful. "Wait until when?"

He shrugged apologetically, seating himself with his back against the
cool painted concrete, his long legs spread out ahead of him. I sighed,
settling down beside him awkwardly, aware that our conflict from before
was not completely resolved, but warmed when he slipped his arm around
my shoulder, letting me lean my head on his shoulder.

It was over an hour before things seemed to settle down outside and we
dared to open the door just a crack. The hallway was empty once again
but we could still hear a cacophony of voices coming from behind the
closed polished wood doors. Stretching cramped muscles, we crept out.
My heart was pumping with adrenalin as we slipped along the hallways,
looking for an exit. We came dangerously close to being seen when we
had to pass a lab teeming with white-clad scientists with a large
non-tinted plate glass window. For me it wasn't such a great problem,
but Mulder had difficulty bending his lanky frame to slip along the
wall under the window without being seen. We finally found an exit
through an underground parking lot and then stood out in the open,
breathing in the fresh evening air. It took a few minutes to rediscover
our sense of direction and then it was a ten minute hike up a steep
driveway to the main road, and then in to the small visitor's parking
lot, where our rented Taurus looked conspicuously alone, the security
lights outside the entrance of the large building reflecting off the
windshield. 
As we drove back into town I pulled the photo from my pocket, studying
it. I didn't know how to deal with this. 

Mulder carefully tucked the stolen pass card in the car's glovebox as
we parked out front a diner. It was past eight when we reached there
and we sat in silence for almost an hour, needing time to think over
what we had seen on our own. 
I watched as a family entered, two young boys and a girl chasing each
other around the diner, giggling noisily, their parent giving up any
attempt to shush them. I remembered, so many years ago, when Charlie
and I had always chased each other around, no matter where we were.
Neither of us had ever been able to sit still and behave.

Back at our motel we did background checks on any names that we could
find in the pamphlets, including Dr Gilchrist, but all came up clean,
not that we'd really been expecting otherwise. They all had extensive
reputations in varying areas of science, and the laboratories at the
Macfarlane Corporation in Mansfield were highly respected for research
they had done into these various fields, particularly biogenetics. 
At a quarter to twelve we agreed to call it a night and I left Mulder's
motel room for my own. Half an hour later, clad in my black silk
pajamas and white robe, I stepped out of my motel room, took three
steps along a cold concrete path in bare feet, and tried Mulder's door.
It was unlocked and creaked as I slipped inside, giving Mulder a smile
in greeting as he lay spread out on an uncomfortable looking couch, the
TV glowing. He didn't look surprised to see me, and didn't look as if
he expected me to give him an explanation for my presence. I didn't
have one, nothing better than that I felt alone and was desperate for
his company for just a few more minutes. Maybe more than just a few
more minutes.
"Hasn't anybody ever told you that beds are for sleeping in?" I asked
softly, smiling at him innocently.

His eyes were fixed on me soberly, the light of the TV reflecting in
them as he gave me a cynical smile. "Couches are made for one," he said
enigmatically. "No opportunity for loneliness."

I smiled briefly. So that was why he always slept on his couch. "So I
guess you're not going to invite me to join you?"

He sat up, scooting along so that there was enough room beside him for
me. I sat down, letting him pull me against his warm, firm body.

"You couldn't sleep, huh?" 

I shook her head. I didn't even try. "I was..." I sighed. "Lonely."

His grip around me seemed to stiffen before relaxing again. I wondered
whether he had pulled me closer against him or whether it was just my
imagination. "Me too," he admitted softly.

There was an infomercial playing on the TV and I stared at it
unseeingly as I tried to phrase what I wanted to say. "We've gotten
ourselves into a bad habit," I admitted finally. "Too dependant on the
comfort... the intimacy... Being like a family..." 
I sighed heavily, closing her my briefly. There, I'd said it. But I
couldn't say what I really did want to say - that I liked the
dependance, the intimacy. Then again, I think he'd already realised
that.

He didn't answer, instead laying a kiss on my forehead. "I know you
miss them, Scully," he murmured. "I miss them too."

I sighed shakily, feeling my tears threaten to resurface, and struggled
up out of his grip, standing and letting him slide his arms around my
waist, pressing his face against my stomach. "At least I still have
you." 

I was silent for a few seconds, reluctant to let go. "I should go... I
only came to say goodnight."

I pulled away but Mulder caught my hands. "Not yet, Scully... Stay a
little longer," he urged, sorrowful eyes pleading. I was indecisive for
a moment, then I let him pull me back down onto the couch onto his lap,
wrapping his arms around my waist and giving me a quick, teasing
squeeze. I giggled a little, ticklish, and pulled away from him,
standing again.

"No tickling," I warned, half-smiling. "Especially not when I'm half
asleep." I tucked my hair behind my ears and redid the tie on my robe
which had come undone. "I really should be getting back to bed." My
tone was softer. I was more certain, but still reluctant. 

Mulder stood, looking disappointed. "Do I at least get a goodnight
kiss?" he whispered.

As I looked at his serious expression I was filled with apprehension
and desire, hope and fear, my stomach knotting nervously as Mulder
began to caress my face. Joy flooded through me at his touch, dampening
my nervousness and insecurities, and encouraged, Mulder began to lay
gentle kisses on my neck and cheek. Swamped by the emotions his touch
evoked, I didn't resist when his kisses were on my lips, still gentle
but more purposeful. It was only when I found myself kissing back that
I pushed him away.
"No, Mulder," I said shakily, my hand on his arm to keep the distance
between us. "Don't do that."

He looked genuinely hurt, concerned, but almost angry. "Why not?"

I looked at him unhappily, letting him see the dull honesty in my eyes.
"Because it makes me wish we were lovers."

"I thought we were," he said softly.

I almost cried at the simplicity of his statement. 
"I don't know, Mulder," I whispered, shrugging helplessly. I felt so
utterly lost and confused, and I hated it. I hated not being able to
see clearly what I wanted and where I was going. Did I love Mulder? Of
course I did. I loved him with all my heart and soul. I trusted him
with my life. But were we lovers? I didn't know. Were we in love? I
couldn't tell. The love was there, the lust had been long repressed, we
both had the desire. I'd thought I was ready for this, thought that I'd
been ready for a long time, but now I wasn't so sure.

For the third time I pulled away from him. I couldn't deal with this
right now. I needed some more time on my own to think about it, to try
and discover if we'd already made that leap from close friends to
lovers. Maybe we'd already made it and I hadn't noticed. I sighed
heavily.
"I'm going back to my own room."

"Wait, Scully..." His eyes met mine unhappily. "Can't you stay... just
for tonight? You can have the bed, I was going to sleep on the couch
anyway..."

"Mulder, we shouldn't." I was certain of that, as much as I regretted
having to say it. I didn't know how clear things were in his own mind,
but I had a lot I needed to sort out --

"Please, Scully?" He interrupted my thoughts. Looking at the desperate
loneliness in his expression I saw my own feelings reflected, nodding
almost unconsciously. I untied my robe and let it fall to the floor. I
pulled back the covers from his untouched bed, letting my eyes adjust
to the total darkness as Mulder switched off the TV and drew the
curtains closed over the room's two windows.

He bent over to kiss my forehead gently before returning to his couch.
The two of us slept soundly.


         - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 


At first I thought that it was Mulder's alarm clock, and I stubbornly
ignored it, rolling over and letting myself fall back into the sleep
I'd been unkindly pulled from. But even in my doze I still registered
the ringing and the way it suddenly cut off, and Mulder's sleepy voice
saying "Hello?"

I was drowsily debating whether or not it was worth forcing myself
awake for when Mulder laid his hand on my shouder, shaking me gently
but insistently. I groaned, rubbing my eyes as I pulled myself upright,
slowly becoming aware of the urgency in Mulder's expression.

"What?" I looked at him, becoming increasingly alert, and then my eyes
went to the clock by my bedside. Three thirty two. Oh God. Panic seized
me and I fought it down, feeling nauseous with sudden dread.  "It's the
kids, isn't it?"

He nodded. "Skinner wants to speak to you. Jacqueline's not well." He
was covering the mouthpiece of the phone and held it out to me. I took
it hesitantly, looking up at him for some sort of reassurance.

"But they're... they're okay? They haven't been taken away or-" I was
fumbling for words to express my secret dread.

He shook his head, indicating the phone.

I nodded, drawing a deep breath before holding it to her ear. "Scully."

"Scully, it's Skinner here. I've been trying to reach you for half an
hour now."

I grimaced, remembering that I'd left my celphone on the beside table
in my own room. "Sorry Sir, I left my phone... uh, in the car."

"Scully, we're getting concerned about Jacqueline. Her temperature has
spiked 103, and if she gets any worse I think we're going to have to
take her to the hospital."

I winced. "No, you can't do that," I said quickly, feeling myself
beginning to panic again. "They'll do tests on her and when they get
the results there'll be too much interest..."

"Then I suggest that you get back here as soon as possible, Scully,
because I'm not going to be held responsible for endangering this
girl's life by denying her medical assistance."

"Yes, sir," I said shakily. I heard the click as he hung up and let the
phone drop to my lap as I sat, drawing shaky breaths, trying to compose
a logical thought. Once I'd decided on a course of action I threw back
the covers and climbed unsteadily out of bed, pushing past Mulder. 

"I have to get the first flight home," I murmured. He picked up my robe
and slipped it on my shoulders.  "You stay here... there's no reason
for both of us to go back. I'll go pack... could you call and book -"

"I'll organise that," he reassured, opening the door for me. We were
hit by a rush of ice-cold air and I shivered. He stood on the steps,
watching me as I entered my own motel room, closing the door behind
myself.

Fifteen minutes later I was dressed in the crumpled suit I'd worn all
day, and held my repacked overnight bag in my hand. I'd run a brush
quickly through my hair but it still looked uncombed. Mulder smoothed
it down for me as he told me that my flight out was leaving in just
under an hour's time. The drive to Green Bay airport seemed eternal and
I squirmed impatiently in my seat, racking my brains on what could be
wrong with Jacqueline, but knowing that I couldn't make any real
diagnosis until I saw and spoke to her. I shouldn't have ignored her
symptoms, I knew, and I cursed myself for it. The tiredness, loss of
appetite and energy, restless sleep... It had been coming over the past
few days and I'd just ignored it. What sort of a doctor was I?

It was still dark at the airport when Mulder and I parted, and daylight
was just beginning to warm the world as I rapped on the front door of
the safehouse. One of the front curtains was drawn aside briefly by
somebody inside and then I could hear scrabbling with the lock. The
door opened to reveal Skinner looking as harried as I'd ever seen him.
He was still dressed in his suit from the day before, but his jacket
was missing and his tie hung loosely around his neck.
We greeted each other with curt nods and, sensing my urgency, he moved
aside to let me enter and then gestured the second door on the right.
"She's in here," he said shortly.

I entered the darkened room to the sound of strained breathing.
Fumbling for the light switch, I looked around as the lights flickered
on. Jacqueline was asleep, spread out across the covers of a doublebed.
She was still dressed in her jeans and sweater from the day before, her
shoes kicked off beside the bed. Her brow glistened with sweat and she
tossed restlessly on the bed, the pink glow of her cheeks contrasting
heavily with the yellow-tinged greyness of her skin.
I knelt down beside the bed, touching her arm. "Jacqueline?"


         - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- JACQUELINE POV -


I don't think I'd ever been as glad to see anybody as I was to see Dana
right then. They'd told me that they'd called her and that she was on
the way, sure, but I hadn't believed them. 
Her light touch on my arm was enough to wake me from my heavy, sluggish
sleep. My eyelids were heavy, my throat felt clogged, my limbs ached,
but I still grinned at her ghoulishly. "Dana... They said you were
coming but I thought they were just trying to pacify me...." 

Dana smiled gravely at me. "Do you know what's wrong with you, Jacqui?"
she asked gently.

I let out a deep, shuddering sigh, letting myself sink back into the
bed, my eyes closing again.
"I should have told you, Dana, I know..." I admitted. "But... You just
had so much to deal with and I was kinda hoping that maybe... maybe it
wouldn't happen." I felt guilty about not telling her. I should have,
so we could have done something about it earlier. 

"What wouldn't happen?" Dana prodded. I could hear the urgency in her
voice even as she tried to keep calm.

"There's a poison in my blood... just tiny amounts of it, but without
weekly shots it builds up and my liver, my kidneys, my heart... They
begin to slow down..." I explained it wearily, reaching a hand up to
rub my eyes, trying to keep it from trembling as I did so, raising
myself up a little and closing my eyes as the room spun.

Dana bit her lip anxiously. "What sort of shot do you need? I can get a
prescription -"

"No, you can't..." I couldn't help but get a little frustrated. Dana
was only trying to help, I knew, but I'd already followed this train of
thought over and over and knew there was only one solution. I managed
to pull myself fully upright and, wincing, continued, "It's something
they developed at the compound... you can't get it anywhere else, I've
already checked."
There was a rough tickle in my throat as I tried to draw a deep breath
and I ended up coughing painfully. Dana, biting her lip, passed me the
glass of water from the bedside table.

"Jacqui," she began anxiously, "What about Astrid and Josh?"

I smiled wryly, half relieved, half envious.
"They're okay... They fixed that flaw." I leant back against the wall
and closed my eyes. 

Dana nodded slowly, then stood. "You need sleep now more than anything
else. Mulder and I explored the Felicity Road complex yesterday, and
he's got a pass in... If you can just tell us where it's stored and
what it's labeled, he should be able to find it..."

I shook my head, easing myself off the bed and upright, gripping onto a
bedpost as I swayed unsteadily. "No, the place is huge, he'll never
find it. Besides, the storage rooms need fingerprint ID as well as a
security pass..." My head stopped spinning and I released my sweaty
grip on the round top of the varnished post, drawing slow, regulated
breaths to relax myself.

"Jacqueline, you shouldn't be -"

"You need me to get in, Dana," I insisted. I moved with difficulty over
to the oval shaped mirror on the dresser and studied myself. My cheeks
were still flushed with fever and my hands were visibly shaking, and I
studied my reflection curiously. I'd never been sick like this before,
and it was fascinating as well as frightening. 

"You're not well enough," Dana protested helplessly. I bent down to
pull on my shoes and lace them up.

"I'm not going to get any better if I just stay here, am I?" I
challenged, standing again. My legs were shaking now, as if complaining
about having to hold the weight of my body, but I was determined. My
determination gave me strength and energy. Mind over matter, I kept
telling myself.

Dana sighed, as if realising that she was fighting a losing battle.
"Fine," she agreed. "But I'll have to clear it with Skinner. And I'm
not letting you go anywhere until we can get your fever down."

I nodded. I took the Tylenol Dana found in the fully-stocked medicine
cupboard and then snuck into the bedroom where Josh and Astrid were
sleeping soundly, waking them despite the arguments of the female agent
keeping guard. Astrid was grumpy at being woken - early in the morning
has never been her best time. The words seemed to get stuck in my
throat as I told her and Josh that I was going away. More than anything
in the world, I didn't want to leave my precious darlings, but I knew
there was no alternative. Joshua cried quietly and Astrid threw a
tantrum, screaming and sobbing hysterically until I pulled her into my
arms, rocking her like I used to when she was young, younger than Josh
is now.
Her sobs quietened into sniffles interspersed with hiccups and she
clung to me tightly, her tears soaking my sweater. Dana came in,
telling me that Skinner had agreed that I could leave and that he'd
arrange a flight direct to Mansfield for us. Astrid, worn out by her
tantrum, had almost fallen asleep in my arms and I tucked her back into
her bed, kissing her goodbye, aware that I might be saying goodbye
forever. After her eyelids had fluttered closed and she sank into deep
sleep, I turned my attention back to Josh, who had been sitting on his
bed with his knees drawn up to his chest, watching us quietly. I opened
my arms for a hug and he flew at me, bursting into tears again. It took
several minutes for me to soothe him, sitting beside him on the bed,
his fingers wrapped tightly around mine, until he fell asleep. I gently
prised his fingers away, kissing him goodbye.


         - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- SCULLY POV -

It was only as Jacqueline took a last glance before leaving the room
that I could see that she was near tears herself. 

"Jacqui..." I began helplessly, unable to express the empathy I felt
for her, the forlorn hopelessness in her eyes.

Jacqueline shook her head, turning down the hallway and stumbling as
she made her way to the front door, unlatching it and stepping out into
the early morning light. I followed her outside, finding her sobbing on
the doorstep. There was nothing more that I could do than just put my
hand on her back, rubbing gently, letting her cry. When Jacqueline had
finished she wiped her eyes, standing unsteadily, and went down the
front steps to where the car was parked at the curb, pulling open the
door to the backseat and sliding in, pulling the door closed and
leaning against it with her eyes squeezed shut, her fist to her mouth.
I bit my lip as I watched, then turned to pull the front door closed. 
Skinner was standing in the doorway, face grim. I nodded at him briefly
and he returned the nod, closing the door.


The plane was a small, lightweight aircraft and Jacqueline, curled up
in her seat, slept right through the flight, even when we hit
turbulance. She seemed better when woke, her fever down, wincing
occasionally at dizziness and weak muscles as she walked, but her lips
set determinedly. Mulder was waiting for us at the airport, his
concerned gaze assessing Jacqueline's condition. We discussed our plan
as we returned to the motel, stopping on the way at the small place
we'd dined at the night before to grab a quick breakfast. Jacqueline
managed to force down a piece of toast, looking queasy for a while. She
was sweating profusely in the cozily warm diner, and I could see the
difficulty with which she was trying to hold herself together while her
body was a mass of pain and exhaustion. I could see it and I knew as a
doctor I had to do something about it, but there was nothing I could
do. The feeling of uselessness was frustrating and upsetting.
Back out in the fresh air she seemed to improve a little, and back in
the car as we headed toward the compound she joined in our discussion
about the best ways in and out, aware that we barely knew the place and
she could have found her way through it blindfolded.
She explained to us the puzzling question of why work had only begun
late afternoon - she, Astrid and Joshua had been coming to the compound
every weekday, from eight in the morning til about four in the
afternoon they had spent being tutoried, questioned, tested, studied
while they played. "Like fish in a bowl," Jacqueline said
matter-of-factly. It wasn't until late afternoon, when they were taken
home and the psychologists and tutors left, that work began in the
laboratories in the basement of the complex. 
"See," she explained, "they all had other work to do during business
hours. The work they were doing with us wasn't all they did - they had
to keep up their reputation, because they were sworn to secrecy about
the project and they couldn't disappear into oblivion while they worked
on the project. That would raise suspicions. So during the day they'd
research their cures for cancer or whatever, but afterwards they'd come
down. Sometimes if they had no work on their current research project
they'd come down and work on the project... Or sometimes they wouldn't
come down at all, if they were working on the project in their own
labs... A lot of it was theoretical, of course, and so a lot of time
was spent working on computers, rather than practical application. And
the labs were furnished with different equipment, so it really depended
what they needed. All the really important stuff was done downstairs...
That's where the incubators and cryogenics equipment were."

"How many people at the compound know about the project?" I asked her
curiously.

Jacqueline rubbed her eyes tiredly. "No more than twenty of the
researchers, I'd guess. It varied, of course, during the thirteen years
I can remember. I think that all of our tutors and psychologists were
brought in, though some of them might be on staff there."

"What about a Doctor Gilchrist?"

Jacqueline shrugged. "As I said before, I didn't know their surnames.
I'd recognise them anywhere, though..."
She went quiet as the compound, a monstrosity of a building, came into
view. Silently, she pointed to the turnoff that led to the driveway
down to the employee's garage we'd escaped through last night. 
We swiped the card on entrance and the large doors trundled open,
lights flickering on as we drove in. The parking spots in the garage
were all numbered, but not sequentially. 

"ID numbers," Jacqueline murmured under her breath. There were only
about twenty parking spots and most were filled. Mulder pulled into one
close to the heavy double doors that lead into the building and the
three of us climbed out.

It was just before ten, and according to Jacqueline, there shouldn't be
anybody working in the basement labs. She led us along the empty, quiet
corridors with renewed confidence. The carpeted hallways meant that our
footsteps were silent, the only noise we could hear in the building the
hums of computer systems. We turned down a hallway that we hadn't had
the chance to explore yesterday, and Jacqueline pointed out to us
quietly and unemotionally the labs where she, Astrid and Joshua had
been born. The room at the end was the storage room, the door
unlabelled, a square panel jutting out from the wall beside, a small
light blinking red. Mulder handed Jacqueline the card and she swiped
it. The light shifted to green and the panel flipped open. We all held
our breath as Jacqueline pressed her thumb down on the fingerprint
scanner. 
It made a quiet whirring noise as it processed, and then the display
panel began to flash the words in red: ACCESS DENIED.

"Shit," Jacqueline hissed, pulling her hand away from the panel. "They
must have removed me from list of - Shit!!" She slammed her fist
against the thick door angrily and then winced, cradling her hand
painfully.

Then her ears pricked up. Listening, I heard a beeping noise in the
background. The three of us turned our heads sharply at the same time,
and saw a short overweight man turn the corner and come to a skidding
stop. 
Jacqueline met his surprised gaze for a second before turning and
dashing. She sprinted down the hallway and we sprinted after her. I
could hear her rasping gasps for air as she ran. She sounded terrible,
but she managed to stay just ahead of Mulder and I despite it. The man
was shouting warnings for her to stop but they sounded increasingly
distant in my own ears. She came to a skidding stop when she reached
the door out to the parking garage. She collapsed against the door,
struggling to catch her breath as Mulder, panting for breath, fumbled
for the card and swiped it through. The small light remained red.
Mulder swiped again and again with increasing urgency, cursing as the
card slipped from his sweaty hand. I'd drawn my weapon and was biting
my lip anxiously as Mulder's efforts continued to prove unsuccessful.
We were almost there, we were almost there, almost there, almost
there...

Jacqueline, battling to remain on her feet, gripped Mulder's arm.
"It's useless," she muttered. "He's overridden the system..." She drew
an asthmatic, wheezing breath, crumbling to the ground and closing her
eyes as she leant against the door blocking our way to freedom, her
legs folded under her.

By the time the overweight man had reached us Mulder had pulled
Jacqueline to her feet and drawn his weapon. She leant against him
heavily, her laborious breathing half-sobs. He approached us calmly,
the excited glint in his eye the only indication of emotion.

"Jacqueline," he said smoothly. "So nice to have you back."

She lifted her head from Mulder's shoulder, wiping her eyes dry roughly
with her sleeve, and scowled at him. She swallowed dryly, shaking, and
I could see her eyes rolling, unfocused, as if her head were spinning
as she pulled away from Mulder and tried to stand upright by herself.
She had neither the balance nor the strength to do so, and only
Mulder's strong grip prevented her from falling.
"I need my insulin, John." Her voice was barely louder than a whisper,
pleadingly humble. I felt such overwhelming compassion for her.

He stared at her for several long seconds, his gaze cold and
analytical. Finally he nodded. "You're lucky we need you alive so
much," he said coolly. He turned, indicating for us to follow him.
Mulder and I supported Jacqueline between them, our grim gazes meeting
helplessly.

I knew then that we had lost.


         - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- MULDER POV -

The three of us watched as he unlocked the storage room with his pass
and gave fingerprint ID.
I could see the hard, bitter anger in Scully's eyes as the words ACCESS
GRANTED appeared in green on the little display. We waited outside,
supporting Jacqueline, as he entered the storeroom, reappearing only a
few seconds later with a small bottle. We followed him into a small
officelike room, where he took his place behind the desk. Jacqueline
slumped down into a chair on the other side, clearly familiar with the
room. Scully kneeled beside her, wincing as she checked Jacqueline's
pulse and temperature. The doctor tossed her the bottle and then a
packaged syringe he pulled from a set of steel drawers that looked as
though they belonged in an OR. Scully pulled away the plastic and
uncapped the syringe with urgent professionalism, drawing some of the
amber liquid into the hypodermic, rolling up Jacqueline's sleeve and
plunging the thin needle in. Jacqueline didn't stir. She was still
conscious, but barely, her eyes glazed over, resigned to the
inevitable. I winced as I watched her. She'd given up fighting and I
hated that.

I looked up, holding the doctor's hard, unflinching gaze, my weapon
drawn and aimed threateningly at his chest. I had a feeling though,
that if shooting was necessary, I would get great pleasure from aiming
lower.
The effect of the insulin on Jacqueline was almost immediate, her eyes
fluttering closed and then opened again. She pulled herself more
upright in the chair with a groan. The doctor transferred his gaze to
her, watching from across the desk as she began to look more and more
alert. I could see her wince at the smug complacency in his gaze but
she held it nonetheless.
Her lips were set, and I could see that she was willing herself not to
show any emotion. It was the same strained look that Scully often took
on when scared or upset and trying to hide it.

"Ready to have a little chat?" he asked coolly, folding his hands out
in front of him on the table calmly. Smug complacent bastard. I felt my
finger increase pressure on the trigger.

Jacqueline was sullenly silent, still holding his gaze. Her sullenness
was infuriating to be faced with, I knew that from experience, but she
had obviously spent many years cultivating her self-possession. She was
reminding me more and more of Scully.

The doctor nodded. "I'll take that as a yes." 

I resisted the urge to drop my gun and just deck the guy. I knew I had
to keep my anger under control, and I knew that on the surface I looked
calm, probably a little cynical. I felt anything but.

I watched apprehensively as he continued, "I've remotely locked all the
exits. Would you like to tell your friends what that means, Jacqueline,
or shall I?"

I don't know how stupid he thought we were. Maybe he just wanted to rub
it in, wallow in his victory. Bastard. Again, Jacqueline was silent.
John looked pleased, smiling smugly as he swivelled in his chair to
face us. I glanced across at Scully, standing only a foot away from me,
and saw that she had her weapon trained on him as well. At this range,
we couldn't miss.

"What that means," he said smoothly, "Is that you have no possible way
of escaping this building. That pass you have been using will not work,
and it is impossible for you to deactivate the overriding lock, because
you don't have the password. And neither, does that matter, does this
young lady here." He smiled smugly again. "In other words, you might as
well put away those weapons and answer my questions, or you might never
again see the light of day."

Kiss my ass, you smug son of a bitch. Scully glanced up at me and I
could see the fear in her eyes, hidden behind the hard anger. More than
anything else I just wanted to put us all out of our misery and shoot
the guy, but I knew I couldn't. I put the safely on and holstered my
weapon, teeth clenched. Scully lowered her weapon, switching the safety
on, but keeping it in her hand. I watched her as she sank down into the
plush chair beside Jacqueline, who was glaring at the man with intense
hatred. Scully had that strained, trapped look about her that reminded
me of claustraphobics I'd worked with once. I remained standing,
watching the tense conversation that ensued.

"So, you've hidden yourselves very well," he began coolly, unmoved by
Jacqueline's glare. "I suppose your two friends have given you some
assistance in that matter, then?" Getting no reaction from her, he
continued, "The girl and the boy, where are they?"

"They have names," she muttered, angered into speaking.

"Astrid and Joshua," he conceded smoothly. "Where?"

"Go to hell," was her tight reply. 

He was out from behind the desk with surprising speed, slapping
Jacqueline's face. She winced. I felt myself filling with rage, a sort
of possessive need to protect Jacqueline, like a brother protecting his
little sister from a bully. I grabbed the man's pudgy arms tightly,
twisting them behind his back.
"Not nice to hit a lady," I quipped warningly. For a second I was
tempted to break the man's arm, but I saw Scully's pleading gaze andI
loosened my grip to let him wriggle free. 

"I don't suppose that if we put a gun to your head you'd type in the
password and let us go, would you?" I asked conversationally, trying a
theory I'd already considered and tossed out as too risky. I mused
cynically, "But I'm betting you've got some emergency alert you could
type in and then none of us would get out alive, would we?"

"You think that?" John asked coolly.

"I'm not willing to take my chances on it. You bastards have more
security than the White House."

He smiled unpleasantly. "It pays off." He returned his gaze to
Jacqueline. "So, young lady, you're unwilling to give us the location
of your siblings."

"I'm willing to deal," she said quietly.

"I don't deal," he said brusquely.

"You either take my deal or we both lose," she said tensely.

He smiled that disagreeable smile again. "I can't lose," he said
arrogantly. 

Jacqueline snatched the weapon from Scully's hands in a split-second
movement, flicked off the safety and held it up to her own head. "We
deal, or I shoot myself."

He looked as if he was beginning to lose patience, like a parent
dealing with a trying child. "And what does that achieve? You shoot
yourself, I still have your friends here to tell me where your siblings
are. I only need one of you, not all three."

Jacqueline drew herself straight, gun still pressed against her temple.
"They don't know where Joshua and Astrid are," she said, assuming an
arrogant, confident manner that almost disguised how terrified she must
have been at taking such a risky course of action.

He stared hard at her for several moments before relaxing. "Nice try.
You're very much like your mother, you know. Brilliant woman, but a
terrible actress."

Jacqueline cursed, letting the gun fall to the floor. Scully picked it
up quietly, laying her hand on Jacqueline's shoulder in silent support.

He stared at her contemplatingly. "You've got guts. I like that." He
nodded slowly. "All right. Tell me this deal and I'll consider it."

Jacqueline stared straight ahead at him as she said unflinchingly, "You
let my friends go, and call off the search for Astrid and Joshua."

He narrowed his eyes. "And you'll stay?"

"You said you only needed one of us. There's no need for them to lose
their childhood like I did."

"And I have your word that you won't make any attempt to escape?" He
was seriously considering the offer, we could see. Scully opened her
mouth to protest and only a stifled whimper came out. I laid my hand
gently on her shoulder. I felt so agonizingly inadequate, unable to do
anything about the situation.

"Yes," Jacqueline answered steadily.

"You *are* very much like your mother," he mused. Jacqueline swallowed,
and I could see that she was biting her lip hard to keep herself from
breaking. "We would," he continued coolly, "of course, have to kill
you, if you did ever try to escape. And then we'd find your brother and
sister, and kill them too."

"I won't run."

I could see that Scully was silently pleading with her, but I think we
both knew that Jacqueline was set on her course of action, realising
that it was the only way. The stakes were incredibly high and she was
painfully aware of it, willing to give up her own freedom to ensure the
safety of Astrid and Joshua. I couldn't help feel intense admiration
for her despite the weight of the situation.

The man, overweight and so disgustingly smug, was nodding slowly. "You
have a deal." He stood from behind the desk. "I'm not entirely
heartless; You can have a few minutes to say goodbye." He stepped out
into the corridor, closing the door behind himself. For a split second
I considered doing something, anything, in a last minute ditch effort
to get out. Destroy the computer sitting on the desk, get Jacqueline to
reprogram it, climb out a window... anything. But, realistically, there
was no opportunity for escape. We were in the hands of that smug son of
a bitch and it made me livid.

A heavy sigh seemed to ripple through all of us as the door closed. 
Jacqueline stood uncertainly, testing the strength of her muscles. Her
arms crossed tightly, she couldn't stop herself from shaking as she
looked tearfully at Scully. "I had to do it, Dana," she whispered
shakily. She shrugged, wiping away tears as they began to course down
her cheeks. "It was the only way I could keep them safe..." 

I watched as she fell against Scully, who pulled her into a hug. 
"I know," Scully whispered soothingly. "I know it is."

Jacqueline pulled away, wiping away more tears and looking unhappily at
me and then back at Scully again. "Please... Can you just make sure
they're safe? They know you... They're going to need you now more than
ever." Her face crumpled and she let the tears flow. "I just wish I
didn't have to do this," she whispered. 

The door opened again and John stood impatiently.
Scully pulled Jacqueline into a last brief hug. "We'll get you out of
here." She whispered the promise fiercely but Jacqueline shook her
head.

"Don't risk it, Dana." 

I was hovering uncomfortably behind Scully, not sure how I stood in
this situation. Over the past week I'd been a playmate for Joshua and
Astrid, but I didn't really feel that I'd really related to Jacqueline
in any way. Yet, the idea of saying goodbye to her was painful, like
she was a sister, a sister I'd lived with and gotten mad at and gotten
along with, but who'd just been there and I hadn't appreciated that
until I had to let her go. She seemed to decide for me, wrapping her
arms around me and holding me tightly in silence for a few seconds. 
"Thanks for everything, Fox," she whispered as she released me, adding
with a fleeting smile, "Take care of Dana."

I nodded a silent promise, giving the reluctant Scully a push out of
the room. The door closed after us and I glanced back, watching as
Jacqueline slumped back down in her seat and cried.


My hand found and gripped Scully's as we followed down the hallway
toward an exit. It was like reaching the light at the end of the tunnel
and we should have felt glad, but I felt only angry, as though we'd
failed. We had failed. It was just as we stepped out into the darkened
garage that John, smiling that unpleasant, complacent smile, produced a
Sig Sauer. 
"I'll have your weapons and cel phones now, please," he said coolly.

It took all my self control to stop myself from hooking the guy in the
jaw. 
"We've been duped," I said grimly, pulling my weapon from its holster
and celphone from my pocket. Scully did the same, shaking with anger as
she watched her celphone disappear a large coat pocket.

"On the contrary," John replied smoothly. "I just want to ensure that
you're not going to go running down the road to the police station to
have the compound stormed and your young friend rescued." He pointed to
the shiny rental car parked only a few feet away from them. "Your car?"

I stared at him with hard anger before reluctantly produced the car
keys. Following John's instructions, I slid into the driver's seat.
Scully rode shotgun, and we both winced as the steel rim of the gun was
pressed against her neck. I drove as instructed. That was a risk I
wasn't going to take.

The car trip was excruciatingly long. He was directing us to the Moss'
house and I wasn't sure whether I should be relieved or afraid. My
stomach lurched nauseously and I clenched my teeth, trying to keep
cool. I glanced across at Scully to see how she was holding up and
found that she was watching me seriously, with utter trust. I
half-smiled at her, reaching one hand across from the steering wheel to
place over hers as they lay in her lap.

The crime scene tape had been removed from the Moss' house but inside
was still the same as I remembered. We were directed upstairs, where he
handcuffed us together on the bed in the master bedroom. He left the
room and we could hear the sounds of searching in the room next door,
staring at each other with calm certainty that we were going to be
killed. It was not the first time we had faced death andI felt secret,
heavy relief that at least we were together. 

"I never knew you were the handcuff-sort," I quipped, jangling the
handcuffs against the copper bedhead we were leaning against.

I got a weak smile from my white-lipped partner, her uncuffed hand
reaching to take mine and squeeze it tightly. "Til death do us part,"
she whispered shakily, shrugging her shoulders ironically.

I squeezed it just as tightly. If we ever got out of here, I thought,
I'd ask Scully to marry me. I couldn't see why the hell not. We'd
wasted enough time.

"Touching, very touching." John stood in the doorway as he spoke dryly,
holding a small bottle and two hypodermics as well as a handful of
cotton swabs and a small bottle of disinfectant. "No need for parting
speeches, however, I wasn't planning on killing you." He smiled. "I
have no desire to have two deaths on my conscience, it's not my style.
I prefer to do things quietly and efficiently. And, of course,
hygenically. I am a doctor, after all."
He stood by the bed next to Scully, who had drawn her knees up and
wiggled closer beside me protectively, eyeing him warily. "Arm," he
demanded.

Scully kept her arms crossed tightly and he rolled his eyes
impatiently. "I don't know why you insist being on such a child." He
put the hypodermic needles, bottles and cotton swabs on the bedside
table within Scully's reach, then quickly stepped back, redrawing his
gun.
"As I said," he said coldly, "I have no plan to kill you. However, if
you and your partner don't inject yourselves with the drug - a
tranquilliser, nothing more - than I might just find myself wanting to 
pull the trigger!" The anger with which he snapped out the threat was
the first sign of emotion he'd shown, and I felt a cold chill as I
weighed our options. He was growing more and more impatient, clearly in
a hurry to get back the compound. I watched as Scully grimly rolled up
her left sleeve. 
I held out my arm to her, silently offering to go first, my eyes
meeting hers, trusting. Her face was troubled as she drew clear liquid
into the first hypodermic, glancing across at the man standing smugly
in the doorway before returning her gaze to me, finding a vein and
plunging the needle in. My teeth were clenched and I felt a shudder run
through me. I've always hated needles. 
The last thing I saw before the world began to fade into blackness was
Scully, frowning anxiously down at me. 

         - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- SCULLY POV -

I opened my eyes to blinding afternoon sunlight, my mouth dry and
parched, my head pounding, my stomach lurching. Struggling to sit up,
the blinding light was disorienting and my head spun. I winced, running
my hands through my haur and rubbing my eyes. As the world began to
come into focus in the bright light, I groaned, remembering how we had
gotten here.
Sliding off the bed, I stumbled across to the room to the large window
through which light was streaming. I tugged at the blinds cord, and in
an instant the room seemed as dark as night, the contrast so great.
Then I pushed open the door to the bedroom and stumbled into the
bathroom, retching dryly into the toilet. Sweating and trembling, I
managed to pull myself upright at the basin and run cold water,
drinking it greedily and splashing my face. After a few minutes I was
beginning to feel slightly less revolting and I sank down on the cold
bathroom tiles, closing my eyes. The house was silent, the only
exception the quiet humming of what I guessed was a refrigerator,
downstairs. I pulled myself to my feet, groaning as my muscles cracked,
and returned to the bedroom. Mulder was lying spreadeagled on the bed,
sleeping solidly, a faint smile on his lips. The handcuffs which had
been fastened around our wrists when I had slipped into unconsciousness
were now placed neatly on the bedside table, along with our weapons and
celphones. There was no trace of the hypodermics or bottles from
before. The alarm clock on the bedside table displayed the time 4:55.
We'd been out for over six hours. 
I swore frustratedly, climbing up onto the bed and shaking Mulder. His
eyelids fluttered open and when he saw me he smiled sleepily. "I guess
there is a Heaven, after all," he murmured with difficulty. Typical
Mulder response.

"Guess again." I helped him ease himself upright, smiling
sympathetically as he grimaced.

"You're right," he agreed. "I feel like shit." He struggled up off the
bed and stood unsteadily, stretching his legs. "So I guess he didn't
kill us after all, huh?"

I smiled again, but then my smile faded and the memory of what had
happened before hit me like a ton of bricks. I winced and bit my lip
anxiously. "They've still got Jacqueline. We've got to get back to the
compound."

We checked our weapons and celphones before tucking them away, doing a
hurried search of the house just to ensure that we had been alone. The
car was still parked outside and with a sense of impending doom we
headed toward the compound. Mulder was still groggy from the
tranquiliser and I drove, twenty miles above the speed limit but beyond
caring. The nearer we drew to the compound, however, the more certain I
became that they would be too late, the knot in my stomach tightening.
Something terrible had happened, I knew it beyond all certainty. They'd
knocked us out to keep us out of the way for long enough to - to what?
Tidy up, clean out, move on? I hated the arrogance with which they
treated human lives and was scared for Jacqueline and myself.

My worst fears were confirmed when I the billowing clouds of smoke. I
drove on in a dream, feeling a numbness spreading through me. We
arrived at the complex, the acrid smell assailing us as we stared
around at the smoking, burnt out shell of the large building. Red
sirens were flashing, and for a brief moment I saw myself back in our
burnt office over a year ago. I felt that terrible grief and loss wash
over me again. Dazed, Mulder and I pushed past the huddles of employees
who had fled their offices hours earlier and were too shocked or
morbidly fascinated to leave. Sweaty, tired firemen were packing up
their truck, their job done. Dazed panic began to rise in me as I saw
the utter destruction of the building. 
It had been arson, it could only have been arson, destroying all
evidence with extreme efficiency. 

The heat of the blaze had been tremendous; the third floor had
collapsed completely, the twisted framework still redhot among the
smoking rubble. The windows had all shattered. The basement - I broke
into a run suddenly, pushing past people, stumbling down the slope. The
basement. The basement. Jacqueline had been in the basement. What if
she'd been there when the fire had swept through? What if they'd locked
her up and she'd slowly suffocated? I fought down the lump in my throat
that made me feel as if I myself were choking and threw myself forward,
flying as much as running. The garage door was a dark, gaping hole and
I was only a few feet away from it when Mulder caught me, pulling us
both to a skidding stop.
"Scully, no!" he insisted, holding me tightly.

I struggled to get out of his grip, pushing, hitting, prising, but it
was useless and I gave up, collapsing against him. I gave into tears
and sobbed against him, feeling as though I was drowning in grief and
despair, struggling to breathe.
"She could have been in there..." I sobbed, tugging at Mulder's jacket,
looking up at him pleadingly. "We have to check..."

Mulder stared in at the scorched, concreted confines of the garage.
"They've all gone, Scully," he whispered. "All the cars are gone.
They've gone."

My sobs died down and I went even limper in his arms, relieved but
still scared. What if they'd gone without her? What if - We sank down
on the gravelled drive, Mulder's arms still around me tightly. I felt
so weak, lightheaded and dizzy.

"They would have taken her, Scully," he whispered reassuringly. "They
needed her. Wherever she is, she's alive, I promise."

I think that in my heart I could see that he was right. And I trusted
Mulder. He didn't make promises lightly. But that didn't change the
facts. She was still gone, and Astrid and Josh would never see her
again. The thought brought new tears to my eyes but I willed them back.

We sat together in silence, grieving silently. Half an hour passed
before we stood and made our way back up the steep slope, gripping
hands, giving each other strength and comfort.

We drove away from the smoking remains in silence.


We shared a bed that night; empty with grief and loss, taking refuge in
each other's arms was the least we could do. We booked a flight back to
DC for the next day. There was nothing keeping us here. Wherever
Jacqueline had been taken, we both knew that it had been carried out
with the same efficient secrecy as all their tasks and operations over
the last twenty years, and to try and find her would be both foolish
and fruitless, not to mention dangerous. Jacqueline had insisted that
we not risk it and I respected her desperate warning. Jacqueline knew
what those people were capable of, and she didn't want her siblings'
safety compromised. The enormousness of what she had sacrificed
overwhelmed me. I knew how loss felt, and knew how immense Jacqueline's
loss was.

We'd watched the local news program's reports on the fire with a dull,
detatched bleakness. The footage of the smoking wreck, taken earlier in
the afternoon, seemed far removed from scene we'd witnessed,
unemotional despite the solemn tone earnestly assumed by the reporter. 

Neither of us slept well. My dreams were haunted by the day's events,
the loss of Jacqueline so sudden and unfair, the swift and disturbingly
efficient fire at the compound which had surely wiped out all we had
explored the day before. It had wiped out not only Jacqueline, Joshua
and Astrid's histories, but almost their existence as well. The only
proof of their lives had been wiped out. I hated the men who had done
that. They had taken something that wasn't theirs to take. They had no
right.

By morning I'd begun rebuilding my emotional walls, channelling my
grief into anger, self-contemptuous anger at my own weakness. I was
good at doing that. My self-confidence returning a little, I pushed
away Mulder when he saw what I was doing and taxed me on it gently. I
didn't want his sympathy or his comfort, I wanted to be strong. And
when he was allowing me to be weak, it wasn't helping. I know by now he
must have recognised what I was doing, and he was refusing to let me do
it. He didn't want me to build up my walls again. Maybe he knew that
every time I got my walls knocked down I built them up a little higher,
just to be safe, high enough to block even him out until I felt safe
once again to let him wear them down enough to get in.

"You don't have to do that, Scully," he warned quietly, unhappy. He
knew how I always found something to bury myself in when I don't want
to deal with my suffering. Usually work, anything to deflect my
thoughts.

I winced at the pain in his tone, feeling selfish for cutting him off
for my own sake when it only hurt him, for not considering that he
might need comfort, that he might feel the same grief that I did.
Hating myself as I did it, I pushed him away, throwing him a warning
glance intended to quell any attempt to comfort. 

But he ignored it, pushing on relentlessly. "I know how much you're
hurting about what happened with Jacqueline, and I know that you hate
that we're going to have to tell Astrid and Joshua... There's no use
denying it, Scully, because I know how unhappy you are. I know how
afraid you are." 

I almost crumpled then, but as he tried gently to pull me into his arms
a warning bell went off in my head and I struggled with sudden,
defensive anger. "Stop it, Mulder!" 
I pulled away from him and stood trembling, my tone warning, almost
threatening. "Don't do that... Don't make me feel weak."

His expression was one of deep hurt, quiet, morose anger and I felt a
painful pang of guilty remorse. "Scully, you're not only hurting
yourself more by not being honest with yourself. You're hurting me."

The news came as a shock, made me that heavy guilt and chastised shame
that inevitably came when Mulder made me realise my own emotional
flaws. I could feel my face burning up and I swallowed dryly and turned
away, unable to respond, but feeling hot tears of humiliation rising.
The room started to swim before my eyes. 
"I'll be in my room packing," I muttered. I turned and left the room
without looking back at him. 
I didn't trust myself to do that.

         - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

-  SCULLY POV -

The plane was cramped and I wasn't in the best mood. And that's putting
it mildly. Mulder and I had fought over everything since we'd left the
motel, from who would return our keys to the lobby to who got the
windowseat. It was petty and childish, I know, but I'd done a very good
job of transforming the devastation I felt into taut anger at him. He
dug his elbows into my ribs as he buckled his seatbelt and I snapped at
him. Snapping at him felt both wonderful and terrible at the same time.
I was full of churning emotion and it was a relief to spit some of it
out, but the guilt of using Mulder as an emotional punching-bag got to
me. 
We were delayed on the tarmac, and I had to bite my lip hard to stop
myself from blaming Mulder for that, too. I was finally managing to
settle down a little, leaning back and letting my tired muscles relax,
my eyes close, when my celphone rang, scaring the life out of me. I
didn't want to answer it, I really didn't. It would be somebody
connected to this case, and I didn't feel ready to recount what had
happened. 
I pulled it reluctantly from the pocket of my jacket, staring at it,
wishing it would just stop and terrified that maybe it would. I could
feel Mulder's eyes on me, staring at me, and I glanced up at him,
feeling my defenses rise as I discovered that I was shaking. Clearing
my throat quietly, I turned away and answered.

"Daynaaaaaa?" I recognised Astrid's sing-song voice immediately, my
stomach lurching at the wistfulness in it. I have to tell her, that was
all I could think. I have to tell her about Jacqueline but I can't, not
yet. 

I managed to pull myself together somehow, enough to affirm in that
softened talking-to-children tone that I always adopt unconsciously. 
"Yeah, honey, it's me. How are you doing, you okay?"

"Daynaaaaaa, me n' Josh want you n' Fox and Duckie to come back." The
pout was audible in her voice and I felt myself freezing up, preparing
to go all defensive and hold back emotion no matter what. "When'ya
coming back, Dana?"

That was an easy question, but I felt the urge to glance across at
Mulder nonetheless, needing some sort of reassurance. I had that
desperate urge to grab the sleeve of his jacket and pull him close to
me, wrap him around me so I could be safe and unvulnerable. A Mulder
cocoon, keeping me safe from the world.
I actually had to drag my eyes away to stop myself from taking the
option. God knows, it was tempting, the idea of just sobbing in his
arms and letting him protect me from the world, kiss away my fears and
tears. But I'd given in to that too many times, and it made me feel
needy. And God, I hated feeling needy.

"Soon, honey." My tone was reassuring and soothing - I wasn't the needy
one anymore, and it was comforting. "We're on the plane back right now.
We're about to take off."

"Is Duckie better now?" 

I winced at the hope in her voice, feeling the tears rising in my
throat, my eyes moistening. It was guilt as well as grief, as if I had
in some way been responsible for what had happened to Jacqueline. Maybe
I had been ... it was so difficult. Just thinking about it hurt, like a
physical pain, making me just want to curl up into a ball in a corner
and let myself cry. Just like I sometimes let myself accept Mulder's
affection and comfort, sometimes I allowed myself the relief of tears. 

"Fox and I are almost home. We'll talk about it soon, okay?" My
response was hasty, an excuse to delay telling the truth. I had no idea
how I was going to tell them. To be honest, I was dreading it. Dreading
that I wouldn't be able to comfort them in the grief of losing their
mother-figure.
Astrid rattled on for a few more minutes about how "Mr Skinner looks
funny coz he's got no hair" and telling me about the long trail she and
Joshua had built with dominos and they'd been just about to topple it
when the female agent babysitting had accidently knocked over some in
the middle and sent them all toppling, and all the time I just felt
more and more guilty about keeping silent about Jacqueline. It was like
a lie, an agonizing lie, and while I knew that I had to wait to tell
her face to face, I desperately wanted to tell her now, end the
excruciating misery of keeping silent. It was good that she hung up
when she did, because I felt close to cracking as I listened to her in
her happy ignorance.

The call ended and I held my celphone in my lap, staring at it numbly.
I felt trapped by the knowledge of what was in store for us when we
landed, pinned down by its heavy weight. 
Mulder reached across and pulled it gently from my hands, slipping his
hand in between my own as a substitute. The gesture, like so many of
Mulder's gestures, was so sweetly touching that I felt any anger I
still had toward him melt. It wasn't a gesture that made me feel needy,
but one that reassured us both, made us both stronger without us
feeling weak. 

I curled my fingers around him, looking up at him and smiling in
unhappy gratitude. I tensed, feeling the familiar vibrations as the
engine started up. I still didn't like flying, and Mulder knew that. He
squeezed my hand again, giving me a quick smile. 

Don't let go, Mulder, I pleaded silently.

He didn't.


         - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- MULDER POV -

I decided to let Scully tell the kids about Jacqueline. I didn't offer
to do it myself because she would have only insisted on it. She felt
responsible for what happened, and I felt responsible for what
happened, and so we both beat ourselves up over it. 
I'm very aware of my faults - I know my penchant for burdening myself
with guilt over things that logically, I know I'm not responsible for.
This was one of those cases, for both of us. Scully felt that she was
letting Jacqueline and the kids down and I felt that I was letting
Scully down. After seeing her so happy and relaxed the past week,
having to watch her suffer in guilt-ridden grief was terrible. That she
wouldn't let me comfort her made it worse for both of us, it I couldn't
help but feel that it was an unjust, unnecessary punishment that she
was putting us both through. So I was torn between anger and
understanding. I know how much she hates being weak, the way she'll
keep her emotions churning around inside even if it kills her, because
she's afraid to show her vulnerability. I can understand it, but I hate
it, because it shows that she doesn't trust me with her heart. She
doesn't trust me with her emotions, because she doesn't want to look
vulnerable, she doesn't want to be proved in any way inferior because
of her sex, and in many ways she just doesn't want to let the mask slip
in case she can't put it back on. 
I just kept trying, though, to get through to her, to force her to
understand that to accept comfort isn't to be weak or pathetic. When I
finally succeeded it was heartwarming. Like when we sleep in each
other's arms at night, or when she let me pull her into a hug, or even
just something as simple as sitting side by side, holding hands, I
always feel so liberated, so at peace. If she'd asked me at that moment
to quit the x-files and move to the desert with her, I would have. I
would have done anything to prolong the warm comfort her touch always
brought.

The magic ended, though, as it had to, when we turned up at the front
door to the safe house. By that time Scully had prepared herself to
face what had to be faced, knocking on the door with that brisk
efficiency and nodding briefly to Skinner in meeting, pushing past him.
I followed, finding myself unable to meet his gaze, afraid to meet
condemnation in them. The kids were in the lounge room, wrestling on
the rug amongst scattered toys. I stood in the doorway, unwilling to go
any further, watching as Astrid threw Joshua off to lunge at Scully. 
I saw her draw a deep breath. She was tense and nervous. Her voice was
quiet and calm as she prised them away from her gently, telling them
"We have to have a little talk."

I don't know how she managed to sound and look so calm, because my own
heart was jumping around in my chest like a bird in a birdcage,
fluttering and squarking in sheer terror as it watched a cat preparing
to pounce at it.

I could see the wariness enter Astrid's eyes immediately, and a chill
ran down my spine as I thought with sudden certainty: she knows. 
I didn't know how, maybe she'd just sensed it from our defeated
quietness. Joshua frowned, as though sensing the same thing as Astrid,
but not quite able to distinguish more than just a feeling. I watched
them, fascinated and awed by their extrasensory perception. I don't
think their sudden changes in facial expression were obvious enough for
Scully to notice, because she was beginning to explain what had
happened in simplified, sugared terms. She'd barely spoken a sentence,
however, when Astrid squirmed away and pushed past me, running out into
the corridor and into the bedroom that had been Jacqueline's. Scully
looked startled for a moment. I think she'd been focused so intently on
how she was going to the kids that such an unexpected reaction
completely threw her. I mouthed something reassuring, I can't even
remember what, just something telling her that I'd handle it, for her
to stay and explain to Joshua, and followed Astrid into the bedroom.
The light was off and the shades were drawn, and as I looked around in
the dark I couldn't see her. I flicked the light switch and the light
flickered on, revealing the untidy bedroom, untouched since
Jacqueline's hasty exit. And empty.
My mind immediately leapt to the window and I checked it, but it was
bolted shut. Then some of the common sense that I had developed in the
last week overtook the FBI agent within me and I dropped to my knees,
peering under the bed. Bingo.

She wasn't crying, not as far as I could see. Just curled up, eyes shut
tight, shaking. I reached out to touch her but then hesitated, trying
to put myself in her place. Then I realised that I had been. I knew the
pain of losing a sister. For the first time, I felt I had a real
connection with these kids.

"Astrid?" My heart was still pounding wildly, but different to before.
This was a gamble, but I thought I could pull it off. I hadn't
communicated with these kids on any deep level before - Scully had
mothered them but I had only been a playmate. It was time now for some
maturity, but the job of wise, comforting father-figure seemed one I
lacked the credentials for. It would be a hell of a test for me.

She was silent, but I hadn't expected otherwise. "Astrid," I pressed,
"I know you're very, very unhappy about what happened to Jacqueline. I
know how much it hurts when you lose somebody you love very much. I
lost my sister... kind of like we lost Jacqueline." There was a
tenderness in my tone that I adapted unconsciously, a tenderness I
rarely ever use, hadn't even known existed until I found Scully needing
my comfort. That's when it only ever manifests itself, gentle, soothing
and understanding. Scully is the only person I've allowed to get close
enough to me, somebody human enough to need comfort. Phoebe and Diana I
had loved, been infatuated with, but I'd never really cared about them
on the deep emotional level I did for Scully.
"She was taken away..." I continued, still quiet, gently persuading,
aware that I was treading on thin ice and terrified of saying the wrong
thing. I knew how it felt to be marred for life by something, and I
felt with all my heart that I didn't want it to happen to this little
girl.
"And that hurt me a lot... for a long, long time. And I had nobody who
loved me enough to look after me and help me feel better about it all.
But you're a lot luckier than I was, because you've got Joshua, and
Dana, who cares a lot about you. And me."

She was sniffing and swallowing convulsively, holding back tears, and I
held out my hand to her, pleading for her to share her grief. She
didn't take my hand, but instead crawled out from under the bed, sniffs
becoming more constant. She crawled into my arms and balled up again,
hugging herself tightly. I held her gingerly for a few minutes, waiting
for her to break out into sobs like I could hear her brother doing in
the next room, but she kept silent, other than the odd sniff. Her tiny
body felt even tinier in my arms because she was all balled up, and I
was hit for the first time by how vulnerable she was. Her constant
cheerfulness and energy had exuded strength, and now, subdued and
sitting in numbed grief, she seemed smaller than her already frail,
skinny three foot frame. 
I don't know for certain how long we sat together. My legs folded
underneath me were going numb and my left shoulder was beginning to
ache from holding her so tightly, but I didn't care. At that moment
what I most cared about was Astrid's wellbeing, and while I was
unhappily aware that I could do little to soothe her, I was going to do
the best I could to help her deal with the incredible loss. 
And so, we sat. I was stroking my fingers through her curly brown hair,
and couldn't help note that it was the same colour as Sam's had been, a
little lighter than my own. That was a thought that, in the past, would
have hurt, even just the dullest ache, but it was only a passing
thought this time, like noting the time. The realization that my sister
didn't matter to me any more shocked me, but not as much as it should
have. I guess I had already accepted that she was gone and it was time
to move on. Searching for my sister had ceased being the most important
thing in my life. I couldn't identify when it had happened. Maybe after
Scully had first been abducted. I'd been crazy with fear and grief and
anger for my beloved partner but even despite that I'd held onto the
need to put my sister first. After more than twenty years of obsessing
over something, living your life for only the one reason, it's not easy
to accept that that thing is no longer what drives you. Long after I
subconsciously acknowledged that Scully was the one who mattered most,
I was still fooling myself into believing that Samantha was most
important. But I wasn't blind anymore. I could see clearly who mattered
and what mattered, and it was frighteningly liberating. I was no longer
spooky Mulder chasing after the aliens who'd abducted his sister. I was
a man heavily in love with a woman I was, for all intents and purposes,
practically married to. 
Marriage. That was what I ended up contemplating as I sat there with
the silent, still Astrid in my arms. It was an issue that had come up
once or twice between us in the past, discussing in depth marriage,
love, committment... Never in reference to ourselves, of course,
because neither of us could see that it applied. It was always in the
context of cases that we discussed these things. The ways we discuss
things unrelated to our own personal lives on a basic level has always
fascinated me. We're always utterly honest in giving out opinions on
these things, and maybe subconsciously we've been trying to tell each
other things. I don't think Scully was ever aware of the traces of
wistfulness in her eyes and tone as she discussed marriage or undying
love or children. But I saw them, and I wondered why we didn't just
stop, settle down and have kids, just like she longs to. There was
always this barrier between us, the barrier of professionalism that
prevented us from admitting something we've known, subconsciously, for
a long time.
But that barrier had gone, now...

Astrid shifted in my arms and it brought me back to earth, to the
bleakness of our situation as everybody other than me must be seeing
it. I couldn't see Astrid's face - she'd buried it in her arms, and I
wished I could have, to have some idea how she was dealing with it. She
was in her own grief-struck world, and it seemed unfair that I could be
in my own world of burgeoning hope.

We sat and we sat, and eventually Scully came in, Joshua balanced on
her hip, his face pressed against her shoulder. She was holding him
against her like he was just a baby, and he clutched tightly on to her,
his little hands gripping her sweater. His head lolled and I could see
that he had fallen asleep, his face still wet with tears, red from
crying, his nose running. She looked down at us, sitting on the floor
beside the bed, me unable to feel my legs and Astrid locked in the
world of her own. Her expression was solemnly unhappy and we just
stared at each other for a few minutes. Then I patted the floor beside
me. 
Joshua whimpered as she sat down, shifting him in her arms. She was
sitting right against me, our arms touching, and the touch relaxed and
comforted me infinitely. She leant her head on my shoulder and I smiled
unhappily at the gesture. Craning my neck a little, I managed to lay a
kiss on her forehead. She smiled gravely, nuzzling closer against me.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Skinner's face for a brief moment,
and then the bedroom door was slowly pushed closed.

         - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- SCULLY POV -

Mulder and I sat together on that hard floor for another hour or so
before we discovered that Astrid had fallen asleep. Joshua was still
sound asleep in my arms, and we tucked the two of them into the bed
that had been Jacqueline's, switching the light off and finding refuge
in each other's arms in a tight hug in the privacy of the bedroom
before slipping out of the room. 
Skinner and a female agent he introduced to us as Agent Crosby -
presumably the one who had stepped on the dominos - were standing in
the kitchen. Agent Crosby pushed a coffee mug into my hands and I took
in gratefully, sipping it quickly even though it was so hot that it
burned the roof of my mouth. The four of us settled around the small,
square kitchen table, and Mulder and I narrated our tale, from when
we'd left the house with Jacqueline to when we'd returned without her. 
I let Mulder do most of the talking, not trusting myself to recount
what had happened. Just thinking about it all was enough to handle.
Mulder's voice was calm and even and as I listened to him I felt dreary
depression, that maybe he hadn't been as affected by the whole
experience, that he didn't feel the way I did. He couldn't, to narrate
it all so coolly like that. But I was reassured when he was telling of
our confrontation with John no-last-name at the compound and his deal
with Jacqueline, and he slipped his left hand under the table to clasp
my right. 

Skinner questioned us like a lawyer cross-examining, checking and
double checking every detail that had led to the loss of Jacqueline.
His insistent prodding was difficult to cope with, having to dredge up
every detail in my mind and relive it, the hauntingly pleading look in
Jacqueline's eyes, the acrid burning reek of twisted, scarred building.
The overwhelming loss of everything. Well, almost everything. 
I didn't know how much more of it I could handle before my clinical
veneer would crack when he finally stopped the questions. I sighed
quietly, tiredly relieved. Mulder and I didn't need to be forced to
remember - we would torment ourselves doing that enough as it was. Once
the issue of the safety of the kids was closed, however, the next issue
was brought up, one I hadn't seriously considered for several days:
What was going to happen to Astrid and Joshua now?

I felt panic rise up inside me as he began to outline the
possibilities, discussing options. I didn't interrupt him as he talked,
because I was having trouble finding a coherent thought. Astrid and
Joshua couldn't be put in a foster home, they were mine. They'd been
Jacqueline's, and then Jacqueline's and mine and Mulder's, and now she
was gone and I'd promised her that I'd keep them safe and look after
them and they were *mine*, mine in the way that Mulder was mine. I
forced the roar of panic in my mind down and made myself listen to
Mulder, who was now speaking. His grip on mine had tightened.

I caught only fragments of what he said, piecing the jumbled bits
together in my mind. "In the best interest of the children... great
loss... need emotional support... Agent Scully and I, being best
qualified ... caring and protecting for them for six days... certain
emotional attachment on their side..."

And so, Mulder and I took them back to my place. We all picked at a
late lunch and then Mulder pulled out some of their puzzles, which had
been neatly repacked by Agent Crosby. They were playing quietly when
Joshua, trying to fit a puzzle piece into a hole a different size,
suddenly burst into tears. I picked him up, trying to soothe him, but
he struggled in my arms, angry and confused and grieving. I couldn't
help but marvel at the genuine grief he expressed. He wasn't crying
like a cranky, tired child upset about losing a toy. His grief was very
adult, very real, and very powerful. 
The afternoon passed with agonizing slowness. Joshua cried endlessly,
and Mulder and I passed him between us. He finally exhausted himself,
falling asleep in my arms just before six. Astrid, on the other hand,
didn't let a single tear fall. She sat quietly, colouring and putting
puzzles together, and as I watched her I was reminded of myself. She
had turned off her emotions and was blank and empty. It was terrible.
She fell asleep curled up on the couch, the TV playing reruns of
Bewitched. Mulder was stirring the bubbling pot of pasta for our dinner
and so I picked her up, carrying her into my bedroom and tucking her
into my bed beside her brother. We ate our dinner together in quiet,
watching a news report on the fire Mulder found on one channel while
listlessly channelsurfing. 

"The fire, originally believed to have been caused by a chemical
reaction in one of the laboratories, is now believed to be arson," the
newsreporter announced. "Initial reports have indicated that the fire
alarm was sounded before any fires were actually lit, which resulted in
zero casulties. Police originally suspected terrorism, but the clearing
of all employees indicates otherwise. The elaborate way in which the
building was wired up, says one officer, suggests a professional. It is
believed that small bombs set off fires in several of the filing rooms
and other fire hazardous areas, and that these fires triggered the
sprinkler system, which had been tampered with, replacing water with
gasoline..."

"The bastards," Mulder said grimly, jabbing the button on the remote.
The image of the wreck displayed on the scene flickered and was gone,
replaced by blackness. 

I winced, shivering. I wondered whether they had organized this
elaborate plan in the few hours before they left, or whether somebody
had sat down many years and coolly planned out what to do in such an
event. To destroy years and years of work to protect the years of work
to come. It was unbelieveable. 

We washed up what little there was to wash up together. I washed, he
dried. We seemed to go through all the little routines of tidying up
together mechanically. Everything I did felt mechanical, like it wasn't
really me. Even though it was still early, I changed into my pajamas. I
would have liked to have had a bubble bath, but I was afraid to let
myself be alone for too long. I didn't want to be alone with my
thoughts.

Mulder and I settled down on my couch - we had to have a discussion
about the kids, I knew, and it might as well be then. The difficulty
was that I was afraid to voice what I really felt. It was hard enough
making it make sense in my own mind, and so the two of us sat in
silence for a very long time, turning things over in our minds. My
thoughts kept returning to a night a year or two ago, when I'd sat
alone on my bed in Bill's house and thought about Emily. When I'd
decided that I owed it to her and to myself to petition for custody,
because she was, by blood, my daughter. But I couldn't remember what
other reasons there were for me wanting to adopt her. I barely knew
her. Had it only been because she was mine, or what should have been
mine, and that was why I wanted her? I'd been desperate to adopt her. I
can still remember the panicky feeling inside me as I'd run through the
same options over and over in my mind, some of them crazy. I'd almost
tried one of them. I'd had my phone in my hand, my finger hovering over
the speed dial button for Mulder's celphone before I managed to talk
myself out of it. But I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't
chickened out. I broke the silence. "Mulder?"

He sighed heavily. "Yeah?"

I frowned as I tried to figure out how to phrase my question. "Mulder,
when I tried to adopt Emily..." His head jerked up at the name, as if
it was the last thing he was expecting. "They pointed out that I was
unmarried, and hadn't ever had a long term relationship. And at one
point I thought... I considered us."

"Us?" He looked puzzled and wary, but also intrigued.

I didn't think it was possible to phrase what I was going to say in any
way that wasn't terribly blunt. I didn't really know why I was even
admitting it to him. "Mulder, I considered us getting married."

He looked surprised, but only surprised, not shocked. I plunged ahead,
knowing that the worst had passed and I just needed to explain to him
as much as I could. "It would have increased my changes of being able
to adopt Emily tenfold, and for a few tortured hours I thought that it
would be-"

"Why didn't you?"

His question was blunt, interrupting me, and it took me seriously
aback. I answered with quiet certainty, the reasoning I'd used on
myself. "Because I didn't want to lose what we had. Not even... not
even to be able to have my child."

I couldn't meet his gaze. I stared at the floor, weary and exhausted
but tense and uptight.

"I would have said yes, you know."

It took a second for the words to sink in, and I looked up at him with
wary disbelief, sure that he must have been joking in some way. But his
expression was dead serious. He nodded, letting his hand fall to my
knee and rubbing it through the silk of my pajamas.

"Really?" I only mouthed the words; no sound would come out.

He smiled slightly. "Why is that so hard to believe?"

That question stumped me. I just shook my head, unable to answer, and
his smile grew as he drew me against him, kissing my hair. I inhaled
his scent with a sigh. Mulder... I don't know how I survived without
this beautiful closeness, this comfort. 

He was silent for a few more seconds before he added, almost whispering
in my ear, "The offer still stands."

My heart stopped beating then, I swear. Everything seemed to freeze in
time as the words he'd just spoken echoed endlessly through my mind.
The offer still stands. The offer still stands. The offer still stands.
The offer...

His touch snapped me out of my shocked, repetitive mindframe, and he
gently tilted my chin so that I was looking at him. He was waiting for
my response.

"You're... you're saying that -" I couldn't get the words out, I didn't
want to. I wanted to hear them fall from his lips, to reassure me that
I wasn't just delusional.

I think he could see right through my little ploy, because he smiled
gently, almost indulgently. His tone, however, was still dead serious,
the earnesty in it unmistakeable. "I'm saying that if you want to adopt
Astrid and Joshua, I'm behind you. Whatever you want, Scully, I'll do
it for you. And if you want us to get married..." He drew a deep
breath, taking my hand with a sheepish smile, "I'm more than willing."

My heart stopped again and I could feel my eyes welling with tears. I
stared at him, my heart flooded with overwhelming love for him. I'd
never expected to hear such tender words of this sort from Mulder. The
idea of adopting Jaqueline, Astrid and Joshua had been in the back of
my mind for the past week, but I'd never really allowed myself to
consider it a viable option, to let it be anything more than a pleasant
fantasy of happy families. But there Mulder was, offering me happiness
on a silver platter. It was overwhelming.

I must have sat there for several seconds, just gaping at him. Then the
shock wore off a little and I just stared at him, feeling terribly
uncertain and insecure. I wanted that dream that he was offering me,
wanted it desperately, but I knew that to attain it I would have to
give up my reality. It would mean the end of our work on the x-files
together, the end of our long car trips together on out-of-town cases,
the end of motel after motel and diner after diner, the end of our
wonderfully revitalising arguments over cases, the end of endangering
our lives, the end of working together to save other lives. The end of
working together. And I didn't want our partnership to end. It was what
kept me alive, knowing where I would be on Monday morning, greeting the
same people every morning on my way to the basement where Mulder would
be wearing an ugly tie and be throwing pencils at the ceiling. I didn't
want to give all that up. I wasn't ready to. And I hated myself for
wanting both worlds, because I knew I couldn't have them both. 

"Mulder..." I murmured, not knowing what else I could say.

"I know it's a hard decision to make," he said quietly. His fingers
curled around mine and I gripped them tightly as he continued on.
"But I've thought about it... taken a lot of things into
consideration." He paused for a second. "I'm thirty-eight, Scully.
That's nearly forty. I'm fit now but not as fit as I was five years
ago. And the less fit I get, the more chance there is that I'll get
myself killed out there. How much longer do you think I can afford to
stay in the field on the x-files?"

I didn't like that question. I didn't like it at all. Because I knew
where he was heading with this. And I couldn't blame him for it. A
hundred times I'd thought about just tossing it all in, lining up a row
of logical arguments why I should and not being able to shoot any of
them down. But as much as I agreed with the logic of the arguments, I
didn't feel we'd finished. I didn't want us to be too old and too slow.
I didn't feel old or slow, I felt young. Only yesterday I'd been in
high school and college, and now Mulder was saying we were too slow. So
what if maybe he was right, that sometimes when I ran I would get a bad
stitch because of my gunshot wound. We'd been working together on the
x-files for what had seemed forever, but we'd only just begun. Ending
it would be like giving up a part of who we are, surrendering our
identities. I didn't like it at all.

I shook my head, holding out my hands helplessly. "I don't know," I
admitted unhappily. I winced. "I love my job, Mulder. My mom can never
understand why I say that, because when she thinks of me working she
thinks about me getting shot and abducted and Missy dying and me doing
autopsies, death and destruction all around. But that's not what I see.
I see us, working together, helping save people's lives. And I don't
want to let that all go..." I shrugged again and he touched my hand,
his eyes troubled. I sighed, not wanting to deal with it or think about
it at all because it was too huge, letting my eyes close and my muscles
relax as I settled into the couch. Weariness stole over me, exhaustion
from having to deal with my own unhappiness as well as Astrid and
Joshua's tremendous grief. I was about to force myself to my feet when
Mulder slipped his arm around me, his thumb stroking the back of my
neck gently. I let out an appreciative murmur, leaning against him a
little, and he rested his head on my shoulder. It was a little awkward,
but very cosy. At times like that I loved him more than anything else
in the world. I loved that he was mine and I was his. 
I think that maybe the two of us would have stayed like that all night,
falling asleep against each other, if Astrid hadn't suddenly appeared
in the doorway. I had my eyes closed and didn't notice until Mulder
pulled his arm out from around me, jolting me awake from near sleep.
Astrid had the tail of one messy braid in her hand, chewing on it
anxiously. Her eyes were wide and she looked distraught. It wasn't hard
to see that she was on the verge of tears. 

Mulder and I both stood at once, but he pushed me back down, his hand
caressing my shoulder fleetingly. He dropped to his knees in front of
Astrid, gently prising the braid from her hand. She swallowed and
sniffed, and her tears finally came when Mulder opened his arms to her.
She flew at him, sobbing with such heartwrenching grief that I felt
ashamed that I had any right to my own grief about losing Jacqueline.
I'd known Jacqueline for a week. For Astrid and Joshua she had been the
central figure in their lives as long as they could remember. Her loss
was utter devastation for Astrid. I don't think I've ever heard anybody
cry like that before, especially not a child. Joshua's grief had been
great, but Astrid's was even greater. She cried and cried and cried and
clung to Mulder as he held her close to him, whispering to her
soothingly. 

It was over an hour before she finally fell into an exhausted sleep in
his arms. He paced with her like a father pacing to soothe a baby to
sleep, and despite my own exhaustion and unhappiness about Astrid, I
couldn't help but love seeing his tender, protectively paternal side.
It was so wonderfully typical of him, his tenderness shining through
his cynical flippancy when his comfort was really needed. This was the
first time I'd seen him showing this tenderness to anybody other than
myself, and the implications were tremendous. He finally stopped pacing
with Astrid, her snores reassuring him that she was solidly asleep, and
I followed him into our bedroom as he tucked her carefully into bed
beside Joshua.
There was a large damp spot where her tears had soaked through the
shoulder of his t-shirt and he pulled the t-shirt off over his head. I
watched his muscled back as he tossed the shirt on the floor and dug
through one of the overnight bags he kept his own things in, producing
a grey t-shirt and pulling it on. When he finally turned back to me I
could see how terribly tired he looked.
Silently, I opened my arms to him in the same way he had done to
Astrid. He wrapped his arms around me, resting his chin on my head,
letting out a tired sigh. He was leaning heavily on me and I didn't
know how long I could support him, so I pushed him away gently,
reaching down to take his hands. "You're a wonderful father, Mulder."
He smiled slightly, almost shyly, at my whispered compliment, squeezing
my hand in thanks. 

We slept four-to-the-bed that night, Mulder and I settling down
together in tired comfort. I fell asleep quickly but woke again a short
time later when a sobbing Astrid climbed between the two of us,
whimpering about a nightmare about the bad men taking Jacqui. I guess
I'd expected nightmares - after all, both Mulder and I suffered them
after most traumatic experiences in our lives - but I hadn't expected
them to come tonight. I thought Astrid had exhausted herself enough to
sleep soundly through the night. But she kept waking and crying, and
Joshua was woken by her sobs and that was enough to start him off
again. The four of us ended up sleeping close together, the two kids
close between Mulder and I. It was already late when Mulder and I got
to bed, but it was almost morning before the kids slipped back into a
real, deep sleep and we soon followed. 


When I woke late the next morning I found Astrid and Mulder gone,
Joshua still asleep, buried under the covers beside me. 
I slipped out into my living room and found Astrid curled up on the
couch hugging a cushion, watching morning cartoons. She was still in
pajamas and she looked almost like a feral child, her hair was so
messy, her nose red and deep hollows under her eyes. I managed to
cajole her into taking a bath and she sat obediently in the
bubble-filled tub as I washed her hair with some kids shampoo
Jacqueline and I had picked up a few days ago. 

The most difficult task was getting her to talk. She had that look that
meant that she was only just holding back tears, and tears were the
last thing I needed. Selfishly, I didn't want any more crying or
grieving. It was too tiring, tiring them and me out. I finally got her
talking as I helped her dress in the new overalls I'd bought her. She
asked if we could go to the park again. I agreed immediately, happy to
do whatever she wanted. Anything would be better than just staying in
my apartment all day, feeling miserable. 

I combed her hair out and she was beginning to look better. I set her a
page of exercises from a homework book Jacqueline had originally packed
and she began working on them eagerly, her tongue poking out a little
in concentration. Joshua was more eager to have a bath than his sister
had been, but when I suggested that Astrid wanted to go out to the park
he shook his head immediately, in a very definite no. 

So Mulder volunteered to take Astrid to the park, and I stayed at home
with Joshua. To be honest, the separation from him gave me much-needed
time for thought. Joshua began the slow and laborious task of setting
up a trail of Dominos and I sat at my kitchen table with a cup of
coffee, keeping a vague eye on him as I wrestled with my conversation
with Mulder the night before. 
In a very roundabout way, Mulder had proposed. Not just a proposal of
marriage, but the offer of a family as well, the opportunity to lead
the sort of normal life I sometimes ranted about. Having an ordinary,
non-life threatening job, a nice house with a picket fence, and 2.3
kids, or whatever the statistical average was these days.
He and Astrid returned from the park and my heart leapt when I saw the
small smile on Astrid's face. Mulder drew me aside, grinningly telling
me that Astrid had smiled several times at his jokes and how they'd
stopped off for a treat at an ice-cream parlour on the way home. The
sheer happiness in his mood was heartwarming. It seemed that he got
closer to the kids as every hour passed. They did seem to perk up a
little as the day went on. The phrase 'kids bounce back quickly' kept
floating through my mind, and I had to admit that they definitely were.
But it would still be a very long time before they would be really
happy. Their grief, although they were dealing with it better, was
still strong.

Mulder and I had another intense conversation that night, after the
kids had fallen asleep. I still hadn't been able to make a decision,
and really felt that it was something we had to agree on together.
Although he didn't come straight out and say so, I think Mulder had
made his decision and had his heart set on it. The strangest thing was
that I couldn't really understand my own objections. Mulder was now not
only suggesting that I really consider adoption, but was suggesting
options that concurred with whatever logical objections I could come up
with.

I was quick to knock down the suggestion that we just continued to live
how we were. We could tell Skinner the truth, he argued, and because
the kids didn't have any records they wouldn't officially exist and
there would be no need to raise the custody issue. I refused that
offer. Even though it would mean that we could continue to work
together on the x-files, it was dishonest, and unfair on the kids. I
didn't want them to just be like stray dogs we wanted to keep. I wanted
to do everything humanly possible to help Astrid and Josh become as
normal as possible. Besides, I wanted a commitment. Living like this
was fine on a temporary basis, but to live permanently with a man I
wasn't married to and kids who weren't legally mine went against
everything I'd been brought up to believe.

We went to bed that night with the big issue still unresolved. But I
lay in bed, my mind still buzzing with the question as I listened to
Mulder's regular breathing beside me. We'd set up the
blanket-and-pillow beds for the kids on the floor of my bedroom in case
of any more nightmares, but they both slept soundly. I thought about
how attached I'd become to them over the past week, how attached Mulder
had become. I thought about how I simultaneously loved and hated what I
did for a living, the loneliness of the life I led but the incredible
working relationship I had with Mulder that more than compensated. I
thought about how the things I'd seen had hardened me, taken away my
faith in those in positions of authority. I thought about our quest -
*our* quest and the fact that it was Mulder and I against the world. I
thought about the future of the planet, about the battles being waged
between alien races, something sometimes I half-accepted a belief in. I
thought about Melissa and the men who had killed her. I thought about
the rush of exhaltation that came from solving a case and catching a
killer. I thought about my big brother and Tara and Matthew. I thought
about Penny Northern. I thought about Mulder, the very first time I'd
met him, the chemistry that had been between us from the beginning. I
thought about how our office had looked before it had been torched, the
newspaper clippings and photos and posters that spoke of five long
years of hard work and sacrifices. I thought about the many times we'd
held each other in our arms. I thought about the time we danced
together, the time we were stuck together in the woods and the time we
were stuck together in the middle of the lake. I thought about the
terrible ways in which we had seen people die. I thought about
Antarctica, about our first case in Bellflower, Oregon. I thought about
Emily. I thought about Mulder's dry jokes and the contrasting way he
had comforted Astrid, no cynicism or flippancy, just honest maturity. I
thought about his caressing touch, his gentle kiss.
Thinking of Mulder, I fell asleep.

         - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- MULDER POV -

I woke up that morning to find myself sandwiched between Joshua and
Astrid, both of who were sound asleep. They'd crept up into our bed
while I slept, but I didn't quiet see how come they couldn't spread out
a little - the three of us were taking up less than half the bed.
Scully's half was empty. Her bedside clock said that it was a quarter
to seven and that surprised me. We'd all been waking up at least eight
every morning. 

I watched Astrid and Joshua sleep for a few minutes. They were looking
a lot happier than they had been the past day or two, and it was
heartening. For such young kids they were fighters, and they were
fighting a battle that I had fought. I knew how difficult a battle it
was, and as well as empathising with them I admired their resilience.

I managed to climb out of the bed without disturbing either of them and
found Scully, my Scully, standing in her living room by the window,
gazing out. I stood watching her, drinking in every detail, before she
noticed me standing there. She was already dressed, her wet hair combed
down neatly, and when she smiled at me she was the perfect picture of
calm and serenity. The tired, worried frown that had often sat on her
forehead these past few days had disappeared without a trace. "I've
decided," she said calmly.

My heart was thudding loudly as I approached her. The smile on her lips
was a definite hint as to her decision, but I didn't trust myself to
hope that. I don't know when exactly it had happened - only since we
lost Jacqueline, that was for certain, but I was definite, very
definite, in what I wanted. The loss of Jacqueline had just been
another score added to the tally, and I didn't want to have to accept
it any more. I'd accepted that sacrifices had to be made because I'd
thought that there was no other option. But now that there was, I
wasn't going to turn away a chance at happiness. If I did, I might not
get a second one. And I wasn't willing to risk that. I wasn't going to
risk her.

She took my hands and tugged me closer to her. Her smile, still calm,
became more playful as she pulled me right against her, and before I
knew it she was kissing me. It had been several days since we'd allowed
ourselves that sort of contact and I responded eagerly. We'd been
worried in the past about pushing the boundaries, but this time we were
both content to let our hands roam and caress. We pulled apart
eventually and the confident, sparkling light in Scully's eyes quashed
any doubts I still had about her decision. 

"I woke up this morning," she murmured, running her thumbs over my
palms. "And I just knew."


         - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- SCULLY POV -

I don't think I've ever seen Mulder as happy as he was at that moment.
The funny thing was that, once I'd made the decision, I felt even more
strongly that it was right. Mulder in my arms was right, Mulder's lips
on mine were right. The whole idea of Mulder and I settling down and
living happily ever after has always been so alien. We've always loved
each other, sure, but we'd been so hardened by everything that the idea
of being happy was corny, even as a fantasy. But I didn't give a damn
anymore. I was sick of loss and grief and unhappy loneliness. That
wasn't my choice anymore.


         - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s 

- MULDER POV -

Once Scully's made a decision, she'll act on it straight away. That's
something I've noticed about her. I went to have a shower and when I
returned she'd woken the kids and they were dressed. She caught my gaze
and informed me impishly that we were leaving in two minutes. True to
her word, she dragged us all out of the house, refusing to tell me
where we were going. Ten minutes later she pulled up in front of a
registry office and turned to face me, grinning apprehensively.
"Ready?" 

I stared at her, a smile breaking out on my face. "This is crazy." I
wasn't protesting, and that was clear enough for her to see. I was
surprised, but my adrenalin was already running. I grinned, responding
to the challenge in her eyes. "Let's go."

We all tumbled out of the car and we grabbed a kid each, practically
dragging them up the steps to the double glass doors. They were locked.
We saw the neat, engraved sign on the doors at the same time. Business
hours 9-5 weekdays. It was like a slap in the face. 
I let Astrid slide down to the ground and met Scully's eyes. She was
biting her lip and frowning. I shrugged sheepishly at her, feeling out
of breath from our mad rush, and when she saw my smile, one grew on her
lips. A chuckle errupted from her, and then another. Giggling, she
turned a little, leaning against me, her shoulder against mine. "We're
crazy, you know that?" Her voice was muffled with laughter.

I grinned. "Crazy's a good thing, right?"

"In this case, yeah."


I checked my watch, and we decided that in the hour and ten minutes
before the offices opened we'd go hunt up the breakfast that we'd
skipped in her spontaneity. We bought some bagels from a bakery and sat
in the botannical gardens, Scully and I eating, Astrid and Joshua
tossing most of theirs to a bunch of plump ducks who strutted around as
if they owned the place. 
Needless to say, Scully and I sobered up a bit through breakfast as we
watched the kids. We talked quietly to confirm that we still wanted to
go ahead, but I think we both felt as though the commitment was already
made, and had been made for quite a while, even before the kids came
along. Our rush this morning to get it over with was enthusiasm, not
insecurity, but the peaceful hour gave us both plenty of time to
reflect and be completely and utterly happy with the decision. We sat
close as we watched the kids giggling, chasing each other back and
forth over a small bridge.

The ceremony was short and to the point. We said the simple vows,
chuckled as we brushed lips, signed the forms, the kids threw confetti
at us, and then it was over. I picked all the confetti out of Scully's
hair as we went out again into the sunshine. 

Neither of us had the desire to return to her apartment again. The sun
was too deliciously warm, beating down on us gently. We ended up just
walking along, the two of us together, the kids running ahead, Astrid
dancing on the footpath.
We were walking past shops, some of them still just opening and coming
to life, and Astrid kept running to press her face against the glass to
see inside. Scully tugged her away, laughing too much as she scolded to
be taken seriously. I spied a jewelry store up ahead and dragged Scully
in impulsively. I had no idea how well I could afford it but I didn't
care. Dana Scully was worth every cent. 
She protested but I put my arms around her and squeezed her tight until
she giggled and gave up protesting. We looked at ring after ring until
she chose out a small, simple one with a row of three tiny embedded
diamonds. I loved it. It wasn't too big and gaudy like some of the
rings we saw, it shone with quiet beauty, just like my Scully. We
declined the offer of engravement. I was too eager to slip it on her
finger and make sure it never came off again.
I had thought of her as my Scully for a long time. She had only let me
call her my Scully recently. Now, she was mine in the eyes of the law.
I wondered what her brother would think, then quickly dismissed the
thought from mind. This was our day. I'd think about him later.

I was about to pull out my checkbook when Scully slipped her hand over
mine, and told the salesman that we wanted to look at a ring for me. I
felt suddenly squeamish, remembering the old wedding ring that had laid
untouched in an envelope in the bottom of my desk drawer for years now.
With a pang of guilt I wondered whether I should have told Scully about
my history with Diana. She knew a little, I knew, but I was pretty sure
that she didn't know the all of it. And then I knew suddenly that I had
to tell her then. 
The salesman had gone across to the other side of the store to fetch a
tray of rings, and Astrid and Joshua were a few feet away, out of
hearing, staring at a huge diamond in a display case.

"Scully?" I cleared my throat nervously, my heart pounding with sudden
fear that our happiness was about to end.

She turned and smiled at me, but her smile faded quickly. "What, what
is it?"

My throat seemed to close up and I drew a painful breath. "Scully, I
have to tell you about Diana."

She looked stunned for a moment, as if angry that I was thinking about
Diana on our wedding day. I was angry at myself for that, for ruining
what should have been perfect. Then she shook her head, frowning
unhappily. "I don't want to know, Mulder."

The salesman returned and I asked apologetically if we could have a
minute. He nodded and withdrew, discreetly locking the display cases as
he disappeared into a back room through a velvet curtain, undoubtedly
to keep an eye on the surveillance TVs. "I need you to know, Scully," I
pleaded. I reached out to catch her hand and rubbed my thumb across her
new ring.

"Know what?" There was sudden vehemence in her tone and I winced. I
didn't want her to be angry. More than anything else, I didn't want to
hurt her.

"That she doesn't matter to me anymore. That she hasn't mattered to me
for a long time."

She frowned at me, as though not sure whether to be angry, upset, or
forgiving. I prayed for the last, though I knew I didn't deserve it.
"Scully, I know that I acted like an asshole when she came back into my
life. But she'd left it so suddenly, and I didn't feel any of it was
resolved. It was a stupid marriage and ended where it should have, in
divorce, but I just... I have to be honest with you. I treated you like
shit and trusted her. I just didn't..." I sighed and shrugged
hopelessly, sure that I'd botched it. "I'm sorry."

She nodded slowly, still frowning. 
"We've both done some stupid things over the past six years," she said
finally. "There's a lot of demons..."

I looked up to meet her eyes in acknowledgement, but hers were on the
floor, her forehead still creased in a frown. "I think it's time we had
a fresh start," she finished quietly. She looked up at me hesitantly,
her eyes finally meeting mine honestly. I could see the fear and doubt
in them clearing.

"Do you think that's possible?"

She smiled. It wasn't the same blithely joyous smile as before. It was
a calmer, more serious one. "Yeah," she said softly. "A fresh start. No
more demons."

I knew exactly what she meant. No more demons. No more memories of
Diana, no more nights crying about Sam or Scully, no more hours sitting
staring at my gun. We'd freed ourselves of those demons.

We turned back to the counter and the salesman, who had been hovering
around patiently waiting to finish serving us, came forward with the
tray of slim gold bands. Astrid came flying to see, followed closely by
Joshua, and Scully stretched out her arms to pull them close against
us. I remembered something that Scully had said to me a while ago and
smiled, leaning closer to her. "Scully, my love," I whispered into her
ear, "I'm glad we don't just keep on working any more."

She glanced across at me, smiling slowly. "Me too."

I tightened my grip around her waist and laid a kiss on her silky hair,
turning my attention back to the tray of rings. Astrid was dancing
around between us and Joshua was tugging at Scully's jacket, whinging
that he was hungry. For the first time in my life, I felt complete. I
didn't care what happened with the x-files now or about the latest
government conspiracy. The truth still mattered, sure, but the search
for it no longer drove me on. There were some things more important
than the truth. It was time for me to move on from selfish quests and
grow up. We'd spent too long compromising our own lives by trying to
carry the weight of the world on our shoulders.

The ring was chosen and paid for. Grinning mischieviously, Scully
slipped it on my finger. "I know what you're like at losing the most
important things, Mulder.. Take care of this, huh?"

I grinned. "I'll try." I ruffled Josh's hair and Astrid's hand in mine,
slipping my arm around Scully's waist. My Scully.

"Let's go home."


fin.