TITLE: The Genesis Project XIII 
AUTHOR: aRcaDIaNFall$ 
FEEDBACK: arcadianfalls@yahoo.com.au 
RATING: PG-13 
SPOILERS: None. Draws on/refers to most previous TGP installments. 
CLASSIFICATION: MSR, alternate universe, kidfic, SRA 
SUMMARY: The usual ups and downs of the household are only
complications when an extreme action throws the family into a state of
confusion and distrust, and Jacqueline isn't the only one whose faith
is put to the test. 
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Sorry for the confusion over the posting of my last
fic, 'debrief'. I wasn't aware of XFC's policy about season 8
characters.  
Apologies also for the delay - but it's here now! For those of you who
like to read ahead (you know who you are! ;) the entire fic can be
found on my website. Also, just a quick reminder: 'Everything I know I
learned from television.' *g* Please don't let any inaccuracies (or
even impossibilities, for that matter) regarding legal, etc. procedures
prevent you from enjoying the story! 
--> http://www.geocities.com/arcadianfalls/ 
  

The Genesis Project XIII 
by aRcaDIaNFall$ 
  

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- MULDER - 

"She has your eyes, Fox." 

Half-asleep, I shielded my eyes against the glare to look at Margaret,
her gaze on her granddaughter's face. "Yeah, she does." I smiled. Big,
hazel eyes, and long, dark lashes. My beautiful daughter. And so tiny,
too. Bigger at birth than Erin had been but still so small and
defenceless. I'd forgotten how helpless our energetic Erin with her
will of iron had once been. 

I settled back down on the lawnchair, drowsy in the midday sun. Scully,
stretched out on a lawnchair beside mine, looked so still I thought she
might have fallen asleep. I'd have to wake her soon, I thought, or
she'd get burnt despite the layers of sunscreen she'd put on. 

It was more like spring than summer; a bright day but not too humid,
with a cool breeze that smelt of summer blossoms and freshly-mown
grass, insects darting across the lawn. There was a distant whine of
lawnmowers and chirping of crickets in the garden, and Josh and Astrid
talking and laughing as they crouched amongst the vegetables digging
out weeds, but between Scully and Margaret and I was just comfortable
silence, broken by the baby's occasional whimpers and Margaret's
soothing words. We had willingly let Margaret take charge - this was
the longest we'd had to relax since Scully and Hannah had come home
from the hospital, three weeks ago. It felt like months, in many ways. 

"Daddeeeeeee!" Erin scrambled up onto my lawnchair, climbing onto my
chest, getting fistfuls of my t-shirt and shaking me. "Daddy! Mishta
Tom gone!" 

I opened my eyes to find her face only inches from mine, wide-eyed and
frantic, floppy brimmed sunhat sliding off. She tumbled off me, trying
to tug me upright. "Come see! He gone!" 

Humouring her, I got to my feet. "Gone? Where did he go?" 

She tugged me over toward the back fence. "He jumpded up, then gone!
All gone! I seed him no more! He jumpded up and then I seed him no
more!" 
At only twenty-six months her ability to string together words, though
still imperfect, was amazing. She talked extraordinarily fast, speaking
not only as she thought but what she thought, bluntly honest. At the
moment, it was amusing. In the future, we might have to do something
about it. 

"Really, huh?" I looked back to Margaret for explanation.  

"He's got a favourite spot in the garden next door," she said, smiling
affectionately at Erin's distress. A violent allergic reaction within
days of Hannah's coming home had led to the kitten being evicted.
Astrid had protested and sulked for several hours over that. She'd been
campaigning for a pet for years. That she'd barely spent time with the
kitten was a fact conveniently forgotten. 

Glancing over the fence I saw that she was right. Mr Tom had curled up
in a patch of sunny garden in the neighbour's yard. I lifted Erin up to
show her and, reaching down, she let out a squeal. The kitten looked
up, startled. 

"Mishta Tom..." Erin whined, getting upset. She was the only one who
really missed him. 

I lowered her down again and, starting to cry, she tugged at my shorts.
"Daddy!" 
  

To appease her, I found the plastic soccerball and we spent the next
ten minutes kicking it back and forth. Growing bored of that game, she
ran off to help Josh and Astrid.  

I returned to the others. Margaret was still sitting with Hannah in the
semi-shade, the baby doll-like against her shoulder, head lost in a
sunbonnet, bare arms and legs dangling, dressed in only diaper and
singlet. Scully was most definitely asleep, and her milky skin was
starting to look pink. Time to wake her up. 

I bent over her, touching her cheek. She stirred. "Yeah, I'm awake,"
she muttered indistinctly. 

"I think you're starting to burn." 

She groaned, eyes fluttering open, lifting her head. "Am I?" She sat up
fully, looking over her limbs. "Damn..." Glancing at her watch, she
yawned. "I didn't mean to fall asleep. How long was I out?" 

"Half an hour, maybe." 

She gazed at Margaret with Hannah, then at Josh and Astrid. "They're
still working, huh?" 

Margaret had agreed to pay them each five dollars an hour for yardwork.
They'd been hard at work for at least the last two and a half hours,
despite the heat. Astrid had a whole wreath of flowers in her hair,
collected as they trimmed flowering hedges and sprawling groundcover. 

She kept watching them. Josh was letting Erin use the hand-clippers to
cut the grass. Astrid was trimming hedges along the far end of one
fence and wasn't quite tall enough to reach the top. Scully drew
herself upright, stretching. "I'm going to go help Astrid." 

She was only a few steps gone when I called her back. "Scully." 

"Yeah?" 

I pulled the baseball cap from my own head and tugged it down on hers,
my lips brushing her cheek. "You don't want to get any more sun." 

She smiled, sheepish. "Thanks." 
  

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- ASTRID - 

Hannah started crying just as Mommy was helping me get the high bits.
Grandma started pacing with her, jiggling her, but we all knew that
wasn't going to do any good. Hannah was hungry and nothing short of
being fed was going to stop her from screaming. That drove me nuts at
home, sometimes. I liked being able to look after her, to stop her if
she was crying.  

Mommy took Hannah inside to feed her and Grandma brought out icypoles
for me and Josh and Erin. Erin sat on Grandma's lap and dripped her
icypole everywhere but Grandma didn't mind. Mommy and Daddy were harder
on Erin, sometimes, but Grandma still spoiled her.  
After that we really couldn't be bothered doing any more yardwork so
Josh and I dragged Grandma's lawn sprinker out of the garage and ran
back and forth through that. The lawn started getting sloshy with all
the water and Erin was wriggling through it on her tummy, getting mud
and grass all over her and her hair all wet. Daddy or Grandma didn't
try to stop her, just watched her and smiled, and then Daddy ran inside
to get the camera and took some photos of her.  
I got sick of seeing all the photos of her, sometimes. Whether she was
grinning at the camera or pouting or even throwing a tantrum she always
looked so cute, and everybody always said so. Not that I wanted people
taking photos of me all the time, but *still*... It was unfair. And it
was even more frustrating because I knew how babyish I was being and I
still couldn't help feeling the way I did. 

Mommy came back out and let Grandma hold Hannah again, and by then Erin
was wet all over and Mommy told Daddy to take her inside to change her.
Josh and I packed the sprinkler away again but the lawn was so wet that
we couldn't really do anything any more in the backyard, so we went out
to play basketball at the front driveway hoop instead.  

It was such a beautiful day we just wanted to stay outside, even when
it started getting dark, but Erin had fallen asleep and Mommy was
sunburnt and Daddy was tired. We had to leave.  
  

Things at home were different with Hannah there. Not just all the
crying and diaper-changing and everything, but something deeper than
that. It felt like something under the surface had changed as well and
I just wasn't sure what. Something between Mommy and Daddy, maybe.
They'd both been looking after each other as much as ever since Hannah
was born - lots of hugs and kisses and teasing, and not a single fight.
Maybe that was the problem. I don't think they'd resolved any of what
happened when Daddy was missing. They were just repressing it. That
made me nervous. I didn't want them to push it back if it just made it
harder to deal with later, but at the same time, I didn't want them to
fight. There wasn't much that was more horrible than when they fought. 
  

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- SCULLY - 

My sunburn was itching. Leaving Josh to watch over the tomato soup
bubbling on the stove and Hannah in the bouncinette on the kitchen
counter, I was in our bedroom putting on some more moisturising cream
when Mulder came in. Silently taking the tube, he squeezed some out to
rub it lightly on my shoulders. My fault for going sleeveless.  

The silence was difficult. We both knew that things were wrong, both
felt that there were many things left unsaid, but we didn't know how to
put those feelings into words. There was so much relief, still, at
having him back, at having him safe. That relief had eclipsed any anger
I'd felt at him for getting lost in the first place - it still did. But
the anger remained, too, and I didn't know how to express it. I didn't
want to. I knew he felt guilty about what had happened, and that there
was a whole realm of experiences and suffering that he had felt that I
couldn't begin to explain or understand. And seeing him with Hannah had
only made me fall in love with him again. There was such beautiful
innocence in his adoration of her, of his unquestionable dedication.
I'd watched him dragging himself sleepily from our bed after having
just climbed into it, telling me to go back to sleep and himself
instead pacing with her through the night. I'd almost cried at the
beauty of seeing her asleep against him, her tiny puckered face against
his shoulder, her hand falling, clutching at his side, trusting him.  

He finished rubbing the cream in and pulled back, hovering behind me
for a minute. I rose, silently, and let him draw me into a hug, as if
somehow that would solve everything.  

He was so warm, so rough and smooth and soft all at once. I held onto
him, tired, wondering if these problems were as real and impossible as
they seemed in my mind.  

Kissing my forehead, he ran his fingers through my hair, rested his
hand on my back. I felt such intense love for him, made more intense
almost by the need to overcome our difficulties. During past problems
I'd pulled away from him, even flinched at his touch. Now I only felt
more desperate for it. 

Slipping my arms around him, I closed my eyes and rested against his
chest, and I held on. 
  

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- ASTRID - 

It was one of those dreams that start off so real you're not sure if
you're awake or not. I was sitting in front of the TV eating breakfast,
my bowl of Rice Krispies on my lap and the box of cereal on the coffee
table so I didn't have to go far for second helpings. Then there was
yelling outside and the front door was kicked in. A man came running
in, a big guy in a flannel shirt, and he had a gun. Mommy was at the
kitchen table feeding Erin breakfast and he pointed the gun at Erin. He
was yelling something at them and Erin started crying, and Mommy's face
went all tense. I was so scared, because he hadn't seen me yet, I was
hidden by the couch. I didn't know if I should do something, if I
should try to stop him somehow from hurting them, or if I should just
run away and find Daddy and Josh and get them to help. But then he must
have seen me because he turned and pointed the gun right at me and I
could actually see inside the barrel. I put my hands up and I started
to cry... that's all I remember. I don't know if he shot me or not. All
I know was that I woke up and felt horrible and scared that something
was really, really wrong. My heart was pounding so fast. 

I climbed out of bed and found that Erin's lower bunk was empty. She
couldn't sleep in her crib any longer because Mommy and Daddy had moved
it into their room temporarily and Hannah slept there now, but she was
sleeping a lot of nights in Mommy and Daddy's bed. They'd had to put
her back in night diapers, too, because she'd kept wetting her bed
every time they put her back to sleep in my room.  

She was asleep in Mom and Daddy's bed. What a surprise. It was half
past ten and they were both still awake, both reading with their
glasses on. Mommy was feeding Hannah. They looked like such a perfect
family, just the four of them, that I almost didn't go in. I knew I was
being stupid, that I was overexaggerating it, but the more I thought
about it the more left out I felt.  

Daddy looked at me over his book. It was actually a notebook. He was
writing something. "Hey, kiddo. What's up?" 

I climbed onto their bed, across Mommy's feet to curl up on Daddy's
other side. I would have gone to between them but that was where Erin
was asleep. Sometimes I just wished - 

"I had a bad dream." 

He put his book and pen down and stretched his arm around me, letting
me put my head on his chest. I didn't cry, like I sometimes did. It
felt kinda strange, like something was different, but I didn't know
what or why. He was still Daddy. I just had to hold on til I adjusted
to having Hannah around, and whatever else was different.  
I sniffed, then sat more upright. I had to stop feeling sorry for
myself, too.  

"What were you writing?" 

"Some notes." 

"About what?" 

"About what happened to me last month." 

"Why?" 

"I've been thinking about writing a book about it," he admitted,
mumbling a little like maybe he was embarrassed, "or about the
parapsychological in general." 

"People are going to think it's fiction, Mulder," Mommy pointed out.
Though she'd looked like she was reading her own book I'd thought she
was listening to us. And now I understood why Daddy had been hesitant
about telling me. Mommy didn't sound too impressed by the idea. "Either
that or they'll think you're just plain nuts." 

"Some of the cases you've investigated can be explained by science
though, can't they, Mommy? Or you at least have sound theories? What if
Daddy wrote about them? And maybe he could give his account and you
could give yours?" They each had their own angle on everything. If a
reader was given both then they'd be able to make up their own mind. 

Daddy was looking at Mommy. She shrugged. Daddy looked back at me,
pulling a bit of an awkward face. "We'll think about it." He pushed me
off him and scooped Erin up. "Let's get you two back to bed." 
  

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- MULDER - 

She was putting Hannah down for the night when I returned. I stood
watching her, wondering. Was she getting depressed again or was this
just a bad day? I hoped for the latter. She pushed herself on during
the week, and once she stopped the exhaustion just caught up on her. 

Bending over the crib, she straightened up, turning to face me. "What
did you think of Astrid's idea?" 

I shrugged, non-committal. "It could work." 

She nodded, frowning. "Would you include your disappearance last
month?"  

I gazed at her, trying to gauge her emotions. "Do you think I should?" 

"It's not really up to me, Mulder. You're the one with the literary
aspirations." 

"If I did cover it, and we did as Astrid said, each giving our own..."
I searched for the safest word, "account, what would you say?"  

A shrug. "I don't know, Mulder." She was getting irritated. Climbing
back onto the bed, she rolled her head on her shoulders, trying to work
out the cricks.  

I moved onto the bed, leaving a small distance between us. "Dana?" 

She stopped and turned to look at me, her eyes watchful. It still
wasn't often I called her by her first name. 

My eyes on her face, I thought my words through carefully. "I know that
we have some unresolved issues about what happened. I know that you're
aware of them, too. I don't want us to fight, but I want to work
through them." 

She gazed at me evenly. "I don't know if I can really talk about it.
I'm too afraid I'll yell at you." A weak smile that disappeared again
quickly enough. "I'm angry that you were gone, Mulder. That you went
with Ed Wright when you knew there was that risk, when you knew what
was at stake. I don't know if I want to bring that to the surface." 

I gave her a cautious smile, wanting to relieve some of the tension. 
"It wouldn't be my first time to be beat up by a girl." 

A smile, shaky chuckle. Success. She shook her head in tired amusement
and wriggled closer to me, settling down with her head on my chest as
Astrid had earlier, her fingers tracing my ribs. A sigh, momentarily
contented. "I can hear your heart beating." 

I smiled. "Clunk-clunk, clunk-clunk." 

Another chuckle. "Uh huh." She was starting to sound sleepy. A heavier
sigh, then several long seconds' silence until she spoke again. "I
don't know what's wrong with me, Mulder," she murmured, sounding almost
scared. 

I rubbed her back, unsettled by her vulnerability. "You'll be okay." 

"Things got so bad after Erin was born... I don't want us to go through
that again. It was a nightmare." 

"We're coping better this time, right? We've been through all this
before. I'm a pro at nappies, now. Even the stinky kind." 

The ghost of a smile as her eyes fluttered closed. "We should get some
sleep."  

She was right; Hannah only slept four hours at a time, and that was
when she was feeling generous. Pacing with a crying child for hours on
end, disrupted routines, almost falling asleep on our feet changing
diapers at three am, snatching sleep whenever we could... I felt as
though we'd gone through the whole process twice already, and both
times with Erin; first as a baby, and then again as a sick little girl,
in pain and scared. Compared to that dark chapter, this should be easy.

"I'll get her if she wakes," I whispered, stroking her hair. "You
sleep." 

"Wake me when she's hungry..." 

"Sure," I hushed her. She relaxed against me with a sigh, and I lay
gazing at the ceiling in our darkened bedroom, expecting to hear cries
any second. But there was only the whir of our bedroom fan and Scully's
soft breathing. My beautiful, strong Scully. 

I closed my eyes, and waited for sleep. 

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- SCULLY - 

I took Hannah out into the living room for her three a.m. feed. Needing
space from Mulder, I suppose. Still the tired sadness clung to me,
surged through my veins like a poison working to dull me to all joy and
pain. Needing to distract myself from the depression welling within, I
switched the TV on, finding an old Shirley Temple movie on cable. I had
only been watching a minute when a small shadow crept into the room. It
was Josh. 

When was the last time I'd talked to Josh? I wondered. He somehow
always ended up last.  

"Hi, Mommy," he whispered, climbing up onto the couch beside me.  

What did we do to deserve this special little boy, I wondered. He was
so often forgotten or ignored and yet he'd never once complained. What
little time we had left over after Erin and Hannah was greedily
snatched by Astrid. We never had time to help him with his homework and
yet he never refused us when we asked for help, whether it be in
getting dinner ready or changing a diaper or keeping an eye on Erin.
Our beautiful, shy, wise little Josh.  

"What did we do to deserve you, Josh?" 

Cuddling up beside me, touching Hannah's bare feet, his answer was so
quiet I barely heard it. "You wanted me." 

It was a heartbreaking statement. A lump rose up in my throat as the
tears that I'd fought back all evening struggled to escape. My
beautiful, beautiful Josh. All of this because we had taken him in and
loved him? Somehow the maturity of the action still surprised me,
despite what I knew of his wisdom.  

"We still want you. You know that, don't you, Josh? We have Erin and
Hannah too, now, but we love you and Astrid just as much as ever." 

He nodded. "I know." 

The troubled expression on his face spelt out the problem. "But Astrid
doesn't. Astrid doesn't believe that?" 

"Astrid lives by her heart," he said quietly. "She doesn't feel wanted,
anymore."  

"I'm sorry about that, Josh. I don't want any of my children feeling
unwanted. I'm trying to be fair." 

He was silent for a minute. "I was thinking," he said finally, "about
Daddy and Samantha. How their father had to choose which one to
sacrifice, how he chose Samantha." He looked up at me, his eyes dark.
"I know you love us all equally, but I know who you'd sacrifice." 

I was a little stunned by the sad calmness of his statement. He had
slid off the couch and was halfway out the room before I found the
presence of mind to call him back. "Josh!" 

He came back, stopping a few steps away, waiting for me to deny it, to
tell him that we'd pick Astrid or Erin or Hannah over him. How could he
think that we could lose any of them?  

"You know that Daddy and I would sooner sacrifice ourselves than give
up any one of you, Josh," I told him fiercely, the choking emotion
returning. "You know that." 

He gazed at me, uncertainty flickering on his face. Distressed, he
shuffled from one foot to another. "I love you, Mommy," he muttered
quickly, eyes downcast. Then he backed out of the room. 

I watched him go, helpless to follow. Hannah, oblivious to what had
just transpired, was contentedly focusing on getting her fill. I leaned
back against the couch with a sigh, closing my eyes. What were we going
to do about Astrid and Josh? It was just another problem on the list. 

Hannah finished and I returned her to her crib in our room. It was
cooler in there, thanks to the large fan going through the night, and
Mulder was still as I'd left him, spreadeagled. Tired, I climbed onto
the bed and settled down beside him, resting my head again on his
chest. He didn't stir. 

Another long day. I felt every second of it in my aching muscles as I
lay there. And tomorrow would be even longer, just me and Erin and
Hannah, and between the crying and diaper changes and playing Hide and
Seek and the endless antics there would be barely the time for me to
have a shower. 

I closed my eyes. When sleep came I was too exhausted to notice. 
  

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- ASTRID - 

Daddy was on the couch with Hannah in the crook of his arm. They were
both fast asleep. I'd heard her crying a bit around five-thirty. When
Erin had cried during the night sometimes Josh or I had gone to her. We
didn't do that for Hannah. She wasn't ours as much as Erin had been. 

It was half-past seven and so I shook Daddy to wake him up, taking
Hannah from him. She had a smelly diaper and I took her into their room
to change her. She was getting sleepy again so I went to put her down
in her crib, but she started screaming and that woke Mommy, who'd still
been asleep.  

She yawned, gesturing as she sat upright, smoothing her hair down.
"Pass her to me." 

I handed Hannah over, but before I could leave the room Mommy asked,
"Astrid?" 

My heart started thumping. I hadn't spent much time alone with either
Mommy or Daddy for a while. I never really knew what to say to them. 

"There's a couple of things I need to talk to you about. Can we do that
tonight?" 

I didn't really have a choice, I knew. I nodded. "Okay." 

"Good." She smiled at me, a little sad. "You'd better go start getting
ready for school." 

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- SCULLY - 

Though it was almost ten, Jacqueline was still in pajamas. She flung
the front door wide open, ushering us in. "I didn't realise it was so
late. Time just got away with me!" Erin threw herself at Jacqui and
Jacqui swung her up. "Good morning, Monkey! I've got some new friends I
know you'll love to meet." 

Leading us into the living room, the reason for her exuberance was
revealed. Two black puppies, labradors, gorgeous squirming bundles
wrestling on the rug. Ebony, also still in pajamas, pulled them toward
where she sat on the floor. They broke apart, scuffling for the handful
of puppy treats she offered, choking them down and then licking her
hand clean. Ebony was smiling. It was only a small smile, a wary one,
but the first smile of any sort I'd seen. Was Ebony why Jacqueline had
gotten these puppies? 

"Puppy!" Erin shrieked, wriggling out of Jacqueline's arms and lunging
for them. Tags on their collars jingling, they were trotting into the
kitchen, one with the other's ear in his mouth. Reaching the water
bowl, the larger puppy released the other to get a drink, flicking
water all over the floor. Erin reached to pat it as it drank, squealing
when it lifted its head, jumped up on hind paws and started to lick her
face with its big wet tongue. It was almost as tall as she was. She
panicked, starting to cry. 

Jacqueline tugged the puppy away, rescuing Erin. "He's just saying
hello, Monkey. If you cry he's going to think you don't like him. We
don't want that, do we? You want to try saying hello again? How about
you say hi to the other one?" 

Hannah was asleep in the carrier and I laid it down on the kitchen
counter, watching as Jacqueline talked Erin into patting the smaller
puppy. The smile had disappeared from Ebony's face, replaced with a far
more familiar sort of watchful suspicion as Erin interacted with her
pets. Already, possessiveness. 
Both Astrid and Josh knew, more or less, how to treat Ebony. Erin, on
the other hand, was recklessly naïve, her loud attention-seeking antics
scaring Ebony into retreating on more than one occasion.  And Ebony, I
suspected, was only the first of many that Erin would succeed in
intimidating during her lifetime.  

"I thought you said your landlord wouldn't allow pets?" 

Jacqueline looked at me sheepishly. "Let's just say he's still in the
dark." 

The cries of a new puppy during the night could rival those of a baby,
I knew. "Jacqui..." 

"I know, I know. I'll tell him, eventually... once I've figured out
how." She shrugged. "The kids love them. I thought it was worth the
gamble." 
  

Noah toddled up unsteadily, giving us a disinterested glance before
crouching down to hammer away at a toy xylophone sitting on the rug.
Unlike Erin, who would always keep in range, keep a hand on our arm or
leg when standing close, running off to explore but always returning,
Noah didn't seem to have a secure base in Jacqueline. I knew she was
trying her hardest to make up for six months of neglect and displaced
hatred, but there would inevitably be some impact from her distant
behaviour during that crucial time. Already, he was a strange child.
Bright and energetic as he was, he very rarely smiled. I hadn't heard
him laugh since he was only a few months old. 

"You didn't tell me he'd started walking." 

Jacqui, watching Erin and Ebony with the puppies, glanced across at her
son. "Noah? Yeah, last Wednesday. Took a couple of steps and then just
kept on going." 

I watched the frown of concentration on the little boy's face. He
looked like Jacqueline, with big dark eyes and dark hair, a small,
angular jaw not entirely masked by baby fat. Not at all like his
father. A small mercy. 

"That's a girl, Monkey. I think he likes you, huh?" She was focused on
Erin again. Despite her best attempts to work with Ebony and make a
real family, Jacqueline, like the rest of us, still tended to spoil
Erin. After everything that she'd suffered through with us, I knew
why.  

I lowered myself down on the floor beside the little boy. "Noah,
sweetie?" 

He looked up at me, eyes innocent. "Ba da?" 

"Are you playing a song there, sweetie? What song are you going to
play? How about Twinkle Twinkle Little Star? Do you know that one?" 

"Tinkle Tinkle!" Erin flew toward me. "Me play! Monkey play Tinkle
Tinkle! Pease?" 

I caught Erin, tugging her onto my lap and holding her tightly. "How
about we listen to Noah play for a little bit, huh?"  

But Noah had already tottered off, plonking himself down in front of
the wide-screen TV. Barney. Jacqueline stood, fixing him a cup of juice
and carrying it across to him, pressing it into his hands and giving
him a pat on the head as she returned to us. Ebony had stood, lifting
up the larger of the puppies with all the determination of an olympic
weight lifter. The puppy squirmed, slipping, but she somehow managed to
get to the living room, sitting down on the couch and cuddling the
puppy on her lap like a baby. 

"How do those two get along?" I wondered aloud, releasing Erin. She ran
straight to where the smaller puppy lay wriggling on its back, tail
wagging. 

"Ebony and the puppy?" 

"No, Ebony and Noah. Do they play together?" 

"Not really. Ebony still keeps to herself, mostly. She's doing okay but
she's not so good with him." 

"What about you?" 

"What, am I good with him?" 

"Are you still doing okay?" I corrected gently, watching her. "Okay
with him, I mean. Still happy?" 

She shrugged, letting Erin dance around her. Then she seemed to change
her mind, nodding, more resolute. "Yeah, I'm okay. It's all good. Me,
the kids, the puppies, work..." 

I gazed at her keenly. "What about Aaron Harrison?" I knew things had
been happening between them the last month or two. Jacqueline's moods
had been swinging back and forth between pensive and gleeful, even
before the puppies. I was just afraid, above all, that she would rush
into this relationship as she had her first. I didn't entirely trust
her ability to learn from her own mistakes, even one as massive as the
last. She just never really knew where she went wrong to be able to
avoid it the second time. 

"Aaron? Aaron and I..." She trailed off, searching for words. "He's
like an older brother to me, I guess. A mentor, of sorts. I'm learning
a lot from him." 

"What about?" 

"God... Life, the universe, everything." A smile. "He's really helping
me." 

"But you're still interested in him...?" 

She gazed past me at Noah, then sighed sheepishly. "I know I'm messed
up emotionally, Dana. I'm just really not sure any more. So I'm holding
off acting on any feelings." 

"It's difficult having feelings for a co-worker... a mentor." 

She shook her head, as if trying to shrug off the mood. "He doesn't
want to fall in love with me, anyway." 

I watched Erin run to join Noah by the TV, greeting the little boy with
a kiss. Beautiful little girl. 
"Just because he doesn't want to doesn't mean he won't." 

"No, he won't. And even if he does, he's not going to act on it... He's
got strong principles." She spoke the last four words quickly, not
bitter as much as with a sort of ironic satisfaction. Maybe she
realised she needed somebody with strong principles. 
She stood. "How about some coffee? I need a wake-up." 

I nodded, moving to sit at the kitchen table as she fixed the coffee.
There was a batch already made. She'd already had some this morning, it
seemed. 
"My therapist says I should cut down," she quipped, passing me a cup
and sitting opposite me. "I tell him he's lucky I haven't turned into
an alcoholic chain-smoking anorexic thanks to the last year of my
life." 

"How often are you seeing the therapist?" She'd been going three times
a week, at one stage. 

"Just once a week. My sessions are scheduled all over the clock.
Sometimes it's after daycare hours... Aaron keeps an eye on the kids
for me." 

"How do they respond to him?" 

A shrug. "He's good with kids. He's learning how to handle Ebony. Noah
loves him... well, as much as Noah loves anyone." Sad that she saw the
irony of that. Jacqueline, whose primary search was for simple love,
had seemingly ended up with two children incapable of expressing it.  

"You can still get through to him," I told her, following her gaze to
his small figure on the rug. "It's not too late. Not for Ebony,
either." 

She nodded. "Yeah. I know. That's the plan." Rising from the table, she
left the room. Returning, she laid a book on the table. "Could you
return this to Josh? Tell him I'm sorry I kept it so long, but thanks."

It was Josh's bible. I touched the cover lightly. Only a few years old
and already it seemed worn, precious. "Did you read any?" 

"All." 

"The whole thing?" 

"Cover to cover. Well, not exactly. I mean, I didn't start at the very
beginning, but I did end up covering everything. Aaron kept telling me,
'Read Philippians' and 'Read Hebrews' and 'Read the prophets..' He
really helped me out. It's an amazing book, you know, Dana. Well, I
guess you *do* know, huh? They're powerful promises. Love, grace,
forgiveness... It's amazing stuff." 

I smiled, though tensely, feeling my defenses go up. I couldn't talk
about this with the same naïve enthusiasm as Jacqueline. It was too
private, too embarrassingly uncertain as my heart and mind struggled to
function in accord. I knew, but I didn't believe. I believed, but I
couldn't explain it. I put it off, again and again, because I was just
too afraid to face the truth of it. And that cowardice only made me all
the more ashamed. 

Hannah, waking up, started to cry for attention. I pushed back my chair
but Jacqui beat me to it, lifting her up out of the carrier. "Can I
hold her, just for a few minutes?" 

I nodded, relieved at the reprieve. "Sure." But it turned out I wasn't
escaping this particular conversation.  

She settled down with Hannah in her arms, smiling, pulling faces. "I'm
not going into this without reservations. I mean, I'm not just grabbing
at this because it's the first solution I've been offered. I'm taking
my time with it, thinking over decisions, asking questions. Lots of
questions." 

Who was she asking questions of? Aaron? He was the driving force behind
this religious fevour. Doubt rose up in my mind. I  knew the man. He'd
helped deliver Erin, been my doctor through this last pregnancy. I
trusted him. And yet, anybody trying to influence Jacqui, even with
what seemed the basic Christianity I'd been raised on... I distrusted
it.  

"I've been going along to church with him, did I tell you? Taking Noah
and Ebony too, of course. They've got a creche for Noah and Ebony stays
with us, sits drawing pictures. I don't know if she's taking any of it
in, but you never know, with Ebony. I hope she is... I guess I always
hope that she is, even though the only voices she ever acknowledges are
the ones on TV." She played with Hannah's tiny hand, measuring it
against her own. "There's so much doubt, you know. I can feel so
certain, one minute, that I believe it all. And then the next minute
the questions are back, the doubts. It's so logical but so farfetched,
too. I think I believe in God... I'm almost entirely certain of that.
The alternative - the science - is just too ridiculous. The
complexities of this earth can't have been the result of just one big
cosmic bang. I don't believe that we humans are just accidents, in that
way. We were designed. I believe that. But Jesus? I don't know. It must
sound crazy. I can swallow a God creating the earth and man out of
clay, but the idea of incarnation... God as man? It's hard to get your
head around. It doesn't seem possible, but we're supposed to believe
it, anyway." 

"That's faith," I spoke quietly, watching Hannah, feeling my conscience
wrung. I didn't need this struggle revived.  

"That's what Aaron says. He's helping me out so much, Dana, he really
is. At first he freaked me out a little, sounding so preachy, but he
really believes this stuff. He's so passionate about it." She drew a
deep breath. "It's such a struggle for me, sometimes... I guess you
went through all this when you became a Christian, huh? Trying to align
science with God... I think that's the hardest part. There's so many
things that we know are impossible... but with God, all things are
possible, right? I love that verse..." 

I didn't know how to respond. Physically tired, emotionally worn out..
I hadn't expected to be faced with something like this. Visiting
Jacqueline, admittedly, was usually stressful, but in hearing her own
problems my own seemed less impossible. Now, with this... I didn't know
how to answer to her. I was too afraid of facing those demons within
me. 

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- JACQUELINE - 

Dana had gone quiet. I shut my mouth, realising I'd gone too far. She
was uncomfortable talking about it - why? She wore that cross around
her neck, and she surely knew what it represented. Hadn't she made that
commitment? Why would she be so awkward talking about it? I knew she
struggled with it, sometimes, but I'd been sure that in her heart she
was certain. 

Hannah started to cry. I smiled, jiggling her. "She's got a set of
lungs on her." 

Dana smiled, looking tired, but clearly relieved to be on safer turf.
"Loves to cry. Always has a big yell right before she goes to sleep." 

"How long does she sleep for?" 

"Four hours at night, if we're lucky. Two off, two on, during the day.
Feeds every four hours or so. She's a quick feeder, like Erin was. Five
minutes flat." 

"Are you and Fox getting enough sleep?" 

She sighed, running her hands through her hair. "To be honest, we're
not really getting enough of anything. Things are pretty crazy. Erin
hasn't slept through the night in weeks. None of the kids are adjusting
very well. I expected that, at first, but still.. Josh and Astrid
always helped us out with Erin. They don't do that so much with Hannah.
Not that we should be expecting them to, but..." She shrugged.  

"What about you and Fox?" 

She hesitated. "He's great at taking care of Hannah, he really is. He's
been so good to me, so supportive. I guess it all looks okay... But I
feel like everything's hanging on by a thread." She let out a shaky
sigh. "I used to tell him that I was fine. He hated that, but it made
it easier for me. Crying only makes it worse, in the short term, at
least." 

"You had trouble coping after Erin's birth," I reminded her.  

"Yeah. That was a nightmare." She glanced up at me, embarrassed, but
with genuine apprehension in her eyes. "I don't want that to happen
again." 

Baby blues. They'd been on edge for months following Erin's birth. It
had taken a lot to get them back in sync. I didn't want that to happen
to them again, either. 

"I'm still so angry at Mulder for disappearing," she admitted. "But I'm
so tired, and I don't want to be angry. It makes everything too
difficult." 

Fox's disappearance had complicated their relationship at a vulnerable
time. No wonder Dana was struggling. 

I watched her carefully. "I know a PPD specialist, if you want a
reference." 

Dana gazed at me, considering it. Then she dropped her gaze and shook
her head. "I'll be fine." She looked at her watch. "It's quarter past
eleven. I'll go, let you get ready for work." I worked from midday on
Mondays. I was going to be late. 

I'd gotten Hannah quiet but she started to cry again when I put her in
the carrier. Dana ignored her for the moment, calling Erin away from
the puppies. Erin pretended she hadn't heard. Dana called her again,
warning in her voice. When it looked like Erin was still not going to
listen I intervened, swinging her up into my arms. "You're going home
now, monkey." 

I would ordinarily have followed Dana down to the car and helped her
get the kids in, but I wasn't quite prepared to go out in my summer
silk pajamas. I let Erin down at my front door, giving her a kiss
goodbye, and gave Dana a hug. She looked like she needed it.  

"You'll be okay, Dana." She always was. 

A wry smile. "Things have a habit of getting worse before they get
better." 

I returned the smile and watched her leave, the carrier at her side,
Erin skipping ahead. It was no surprise that things got hard to handle
for her occasionally. With Fox and four kids, now, each with their own
needs and troubles, it was a tough job that she had. Astrid's
explosive, desperate neediness, Josh's quiet anxiety, Erin's incessant
energy, the constant needs of a newborn... each of these in themselves
was burden enough. But she would manage. She and Fox would find the
right rhythm for handling it all. 
  

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- SCULLY - 

Hannah dropped off as suddenly as always; crying one minute, fast
asleep the next. I laid her in the crib, pausing for a second. Mulder
and I had spent hours gazing at Erin as she slept, overwhelmed by the
knowledge that we had created the tiny, sleeping being. With Hannah, we
hadn't had the time to just watch, to marvel.  
She was darker than Erin had been. The same black hair but darker skin,
and those beautiful deep, dark eyes. So still as she slept, only her
chest rising as she breathed and her eyelashes fluttering as she
dreamed. I reached down to stroke the soft skin of her cheek, touch the
soft, downy hair. My child.  

I went in search of Erin, finding her in the kitchen. She'd not only
managed to undress herself - running around the apartment in underwear
or naked was her new favourite game - but had also gotten into the
pantry, and was sitting on the kitchen floor surrounded by cracker
crumbs, a fistful of cracker pieces in her hand. Seeing me, she giggled
and got to her feet, dashing off. Cute as it was, I didn't have the
patience for it. 

"Erin! Come back here, right now. Erin!" 

Sheepish, silly grin on her crumb-covered face, she came sidling back
along the hallway. I winced, seeing all the scars on her bare body. One
reason why I didn't like this game. 
I found her clothes scattered around the living room and had to hold
her still to dress her again, ignoring her struggles to get away.
Picking up the half-empty box of crackers, messily ripped open, I
handed Erin the dustpan and broom, letting her sweep up the crumbs. It
was a task she was becoming more and more skilled in.  

We normally played together for an hour or so after lunch, building
with her blocks or playing with the well-loved dump-trucks, but today
she was being difficult and wouldn't sit, just kept literally running
circles around me. I gave up and settled myself on the couch with an
essay Astrid had asked me to proofread, tuning out Erin's high-pitched
squeals and airplane noises as she circled me. As always, Astrid's
writing was intelligent and polished. It seemed almost impossible that
the same girl who write this could still act like the nine year old she
was, who whined such arguments as "Daddy said I could" and "Cos I said
so". It was almost as if she could switch her genius off, access it
only when she needed to. Josh, on the other hand... Josh was haunted by
his. 

The couch behind me sagged and tiny, sticky hands covered my face.
"Guess!" 

I smiled, laying the essay on my lap. "Is that Astrid?" 

A giggle. "Nope! Not Ted." 

"Is it Josh?" 

Another giggle. "Nope!" 

"I know - it's Hannah!" 

"Noooooo, Mommy!!" The hands were removed and she tumbled onto the
couch beside me, looking up at me with sparkling eyes through the
fringe of a glittery blue novelty wig Astrid had bought at a fair years
ago. "Itz Monkey!" 

"Is it, really? I don't think you look like Erin. I think Erin has red
hair, like Mommy." 

A giggle. The wig was tugged off and she pulled at her own curls. "See!
Red! Just like Mommy." 

"Ah! It is Monkey, after all!" 

Giggling wildly, she slid off the couch and ran from the room. Back
only a minute later, she climbed back up again, burrowing against me.
"Nap now," she declared, giving me a wide yawn. I wasn't fooled.
Putting an arm around her, I could still feel the giggles rippling
through her. 

"You ready for a nap now? Really?" 

"Yup. Monkey baby." 

"Oh, Monkey's a baby like Hannah, is she? A little baby?" 

A muffled giggle. "Yup." 

"Well, in that case, Monkey's going to fall asleep right here on the
couch and Mommy's going to go finish reading Astrid's homework.
Monkey's going to be quiet as a mouse, is that right?" 

Another giggle, her eyes squeezed shut. I eased her off my lap and
stood, moving to the kitchen table. Deliberately seating myself with my
back to the couch, I sat with the essay. I'd only gotten halfway
through the last page when I heard a thud, footsteps, and arms thrown
around me from the side with a Xena-like shriek. "Dust 'tending! No
nap! Monkey dust 'tending!" And she bounded off again, giggling. 

It was another half hour before I managed to get her actually calm
enough for her real nap. Getting sleepy, she let me carry her into her
room and tuck her into her bed. Curtains closed and light off, bedroom
door left open only a crack, I left her snoring softly and headed
toward my own bedroom. Hannah was still sleeping soundly.  
Two down, one to go. I gazed at my bed. I could get an hour or two,
depending how long the two girls decided to sleep. Still, the apartment
could do with a clean...  
The phone rang before I could decide. Rather than answering it in the
bedroom I went out to the kitchen. 

"Ms Scully? This is Elizabeth from the office at Edith Henderson." 

Panic flared up in me. Hearing from the kids' school, especially during
school hours, was never a good sign. But surely if there was something
wrong Astrid would have called us from her cellular.. 

"We've had a little bit of trouble with Astrid and we think it might be
best if she go home for the day, so would you be available to come pick
her up? The counsellor would like to talk to you for a few minutes,
too, if you have the time." 

Astrid? This didn't sound like the normal sort of trouble we'd seen the
counsellor for. They'd never suggested she go home, before. 

I sighed. "I'll be there in twenty minutes." 
  

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- MULDER - 

Scully called me at work, asking me to pick up some take away on the
way home. She didn't say what; that clearly didn't matter. It obviously
hadn't been a good day. 

Astrid was out of sight when I arrived home. She was sulking in her
room, Scully said; she'd gotten into a fight at school with an older
girl, with apparently little provocation. The counsellor had told
Scully that increasingly over the past weeks Astrid had been leaving
school work unfinished, skipping classes, refusing to work with others.
We would have heard about this sooner, except we'd had to cancel the
last three scheduled meetings. 

"Did you talk to her about it?" 

Scully looked at me, lips set. "I tried, and she threw a tantrum and
ran off." She looked mad at me. She looked like she'd had enough. 

Erin shrieked and Hannah started to cry. Scully held up her hands. "I
need a break. They're all yours." 

I lifted Hannah up, hushing her, holding her tiny, warm body firmly.
"I'll take care of it." An ambitious statement. 

Hannah in my arms, I went into Astrid's room. The curtains were drawn,
and she was hiding under the covers despite the heat still left in the
day. "Hey, kiddo?" 

"Don't call me that," she shot back at me, voice muffled. "I'm not a
stupid kid." 

"You wanna tell me what's going on?" 

Throwing back the covers, she stared at me defiantly. There was a long
scratch mark down her left cheek, another on her chin. Moving closer, I
could see that both were surrounded by bruises. "You took a real
beating, kiddo." 

"I gave worse." 

"Who started it?" 

"I did." Still defiant, she held out her hands. The knuckles had
swelled and bruised.  

"Ouch. Did you put some ice on them?" 

"No." 

"Didn't Mom tell you to?" 

"I didn't want to." 

One arm around Hannah, I reached out the other to take Astrid's hand,
examining it. "Why hasn't it started healing?" 

"I won't let it." 

"You won't let it?" I echoed, curious. "You can control it?" 

In a sudden move that surprised me, she drove her fist into the rounded
bedhead. I winced. Why was she doing that to herself? Where did all
this anger come from? 

Though horrified, I couldn't help asking, "What about your face?" 

"I pull the scabs off." 

"Why?" 

She shrugged. "I don't know." 

"Yes, you do." 

Another shrug. She wasn't going to answer.  

Was she doing it for the attention? I wondered. With flawless immune
systems and such accelerated healing, Josh and Astrid never got to be
sick. Was she doing this because she wanted to be cared for? There had
to be some driving force under this anger, some neglected need. 

I left the bedroom, putting Hannah in the bouncer with Josh as he
worked on a puzzle on the coffee table. Erin was there, too, watching a
video. Returning to Astrid's bedroom, I closed the door. The last thing
we needed was for Erin to come running in. 
She still sat on her bed, huddled among the bedcovers almost like I'd
seen Ebony do. I cautiously climbed the ladder at the end of the bed
and swung myself to sit on the edge, leaving a good metre between us.
Still, she pulled back until she was sitting right on her pillow, her
back against the wall. 

"Hurting yourself isn't the answer, Astrid." 

"Don't give me that psychologist crap!" she shouted. 

I gazed at her levelly. "Don't yell at me." 

There was a seething anger in her eyes but I knew it was more than just
anger that had spurred this incident. So much uncertainty and
insecurity; like Josh had told Scully, Astrid just didn't know, she
wouldn't believe it.  

She reached to touch her face, to tug off the scab that had formed on
her cheek, but I caught her arm. She struggled, trying to free it, even
trying to hit me to make me let her go. I held on tight, pulling her
closer toward me until I got both arms around her. She was trembling
with anger. 

"Let me go!" 

"No. Not until you tell me why you did this." 

"I don't know why!" 

"Then tell me how you expect us to fix it!" 

"You can't fix it!  

"Why not?" 

"Because you don't care!" 

"You still think that? You still don't believe, despite how many times
we've told you, how much we care about you?" 

She wriggled out of my grip. "It doesn't matter what you say! It's what
you do that matters and you don't care! You don't act it! You're always
too busy with work or Mommy or Erin or Hannah of something else -" 

The same old argument. Frustration grew within me. "What do you want,
Astrid? You want our entire lives to revolve around you? We're only
human. We're trying our damndest to be equal, okay?! We can't do much
more than that." 

She was crying, hiccuping. Jumping to the ground, she landed with a
thud. "If I was really sick you'd have to put me first! If there was
something really wrong with me, you wouldn't say that! There *would* be
something more that you could do, like there always was for Erin!" 

On that note, she stormed out, slamming the door closed after her. I
slid off the top bunk and followed out to see the front door slammed
closed. Where did she think she was going?  

Scully was setting the dinner table. She stared at me, eyes narrowed.
"What happened?" 

"Tantrum," I muttered. I kicked at the sofa, then let myself down onto
a chair at the table, head in my hands. Why did the damn kid have to be
so highly strung? Why couldn't she see it from any other view than her
own? 

Scully nudged me. "Elbows."  

I moved back to let her set the place, then pushed back my chair and
stood, Astrid's anger now mine. "Hell of a lot of good that school
therapist seems to be doing. What the hell are we supposed to do about
that kid?" 

"I don't know," Scully answered tightly, head down as she finished
setting the last place. She sounded even more pissed off with me now. 

"What?" I demanded. "What have I done?" 

"That's the problem, Mulder. You don't do. I'm stuck handling all these
problems. Erin when she's difficult, Astrid throwing tantrums, Josh
when he can't sleep, Hannah just crying and crying and crying..." 

"So what, now you want me to quit, too?" 

"I haven't quit work, Mulder. And that's not what I'm talking about.
It's not just during the day when you're at work. I need you to help
out when you get home, and during the night." 

"I help out!" 

"Not enough!" 

I struggled with my anger, not wanting to hurt her any further but
needing to defend myself. "You're still mad at me for what happened
last month! That's what this is all about! Because I wasn't around. You
still blame me for that!" 

"Of course I blame you for that! It was your fault!" 

"That's bullshit, Scully. It was no more my fault than it was yours. If
you'd pressed charges against Wright then he wouldn't have been
released and none of that would have happened!" 

Hands on her hips, lips pressed together, her eyes narrowed, her cheeks
pink. She looked at me for a long second, then turned away as if in
disgust. Without another word, she walked away. A second later I heard
our bedroom door slammed shut. Shit. 
  

A cry in protest. I turned around, horror dawning. Josh and Erin and
Hannah were as I'd left them, in front of the TV. Josh held Erin on his
lap, keeping her firmly pinned down with one hand despite her wriggles.
With the other he was tickling Hannah's belly. Giving him a gummy
smile, it seemed almost as if she hadn't heard that argument. Erin, on
the other hand... 
Josh released her and she ran toward me, sobbing. "Daddy shouted and
Mommy shouted and scare Monkey and Dosh say shooooosh no cry but Monkey
scared!"  

I swung her up and she threw her arms around my neck, clinging to me.
Reluctantly, I looked at Josh. His face was grave, his whole body
tensed. I'm sorry kid, I thought numbly, exhausted by the two angry
scenes.  

I turned away, and saw the table set, the cartons of Chinese food
getting cold. "I guess it's just the three of us for dinner." 
  

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- SCULLY - 

I'd fallen asleep. I hadn't meant to, but after the argument with
Mulder I'd curled up on the bed and next thing I knew he was waking me.
He had Hannah in his arms and she was crying. She was hungry. What time
was it? 

Mulder helped me upright and handed Hannah to me, fetching me the
feeding blanket. The process was automatic, by now. My mind had moved
on. "Did Astrid -" 

"Come back?" he finished for me. He nodded, sitting on the edge of the
bed, watching as Hannah fed. "Yeah, about an hour ago. Wouldn't say
where she went but I figure it couldn't have been too far, in bare
feet. Probably just hiding in the front yard." 

I gazed at him, wishing I could take back the things I'd said. "Where
is she now?" 

"Bed. Long day." 

I looked at my watch. A quarter past nine. "What about Josh and Erin?" 

"Josh is watching TV. I bathed Erin and put her to bed." 

I nodded, tired but grateful. After what I'd said to him he could
easily have stomped off as Astrid had - as I had.  
"Thanks, Mulder."  

He shrugged. "You were right. I don't do enough." 

"It's not all your fault, though. I'm just not doing such a great job
of handling everything." 

A small smile. "You're doing okay." He reached to touch my hair, then
leaned forward to kiss my forehead. I leaned in against him with a
sigh, his forehead against mine. I love you, too. I'm sorry. 

Hannah finished and I passed her to Mulder, going to prepare for bed.
When I returned she was asleep in the crib and he was sitting in the
rocker. He beckoned me closer but I hung back, feeling guilty about our
argument earlier. I'd made some unfair accusations.  

"Mulder -" 

He shook his head. "Forget about it. We put everything out in the open.
We needed to do it anyway. I don't want to fight any more." 

I nodded, feeling the truth of that with every ounce of energy I could
summon. He beckoned me closer again and I let him draw me onto his lap.
Sinking against him, I closed my eyes with a sigh. He was right. We'd
needed to yell. Maybe now everything would be okay. It felt okay, now,
for the moment at least. 

He wrapped his arms around me, his hands over mine as they sat folded
across my stomach. Gently rocking the chair back and forth he started
to sing softly, mockingly, his breath on my neck. "Rock-a-bye, baby, in
the tree top..." 

I smiled, hushing him. Giving his hands a quick squeeze, I relaxed
back, letting my eyes close. "How was work?" 

"Tame compared to the circus here." 

I smiled. Sounded wonderful. "Tell me about it." 
  

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- ASTRID - 

I waited til I heard Josh switch the TV off and put the light out in
his room, then I snuck in to talk to him. 
"Josh?" 

Shhh. Not so loud. 

Sorry. 

On winter nights when it was cold I'd wriggle into his bed beside him,
but tonight I sat at his desk. It was always so dark in his room. I
could hardly see him. 

You shouldn't have fought with them. 

Why not? It's their fault. They should feel bad, like we feel bad. 

You just make it all harder for them. 

I hate them. They don't care about us. Why should I care if their
feelings are hurt? 

"They do care about us." Josh put on his bedside light. "You know
that."  

"They care more about Erin and Hannah. Did you realise that Hannah is
the only one of us who was naturally conceived?" It's like it's us and
Erin against them and Hannah, sometimes. 

He looked at me, sad. Why did you get into that fight? 

I shrugged. "I was angry." 

"That's all?" 

"Really angry." 
  

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- SCULLY - 

Hannah woke around eleven and wouldn't go back to sleep; wouldn't stop
crying, either. She wasn't hungry, dirty, wet or gassy. No temperature,
rashes, or any other visible maladies - just crying. Endless crying.  
Mulder had been pacing and rocking with her for the past hour and
surrendered her to me, climbing into bed and fast asleep a minute
later. Jiggling her, managing to quieten her for the moment but knowing
it wasn't likely to last, I moved out of the bedroom and along the
hallway. Seeing a light still on in Josh's room I went in. 

He was asleep, his bedside lamp on. All around his bedroom he'd stuck
up poems, quotes and bible verses. I leaned closer to study one pinned
up right above his head. Matthew 7:7-8. "Ask and it will be given to
you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be open to you.
For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who
knocks, the door will be opened." 

I pulled back, a little awkward, annoyed. Why was it that everybody
else had such an easier time finding God? I'd knocked until my knuckles
were raw and still hadn't gotten an answer yet. 

I switched the lamp off and was almost out of the room when Josh called
in a small voice, "Mommy?" 

I moved closer again. "I thought you were asleep, sweetie." 

He sat up, looking at me with something akin to panic. His eyes were
wide, face ghostly white in the darkness, his whole body stiff with
fear. He was trembling, and his cheeks were stained with tears, his
pillow undoubtedly wet with them. 
I let myself down onto the bed beside him, jiggling Hannah as she
whimpered. My eyes were on Josh. Something had him scared, really
scared. A nightmare? Was there something he was apprehensive about,
something at school? No, it was worse than that, I could see it in his
face. He hadn't been this scared since that night he'd come into our
bedroom and told us O'Brien was outside, or maybe even before that,
when we found out about Erin's leukemia. What could rival that? My
stomach sank. "What is it, Josh?" 

He shook his head, lips clamped together tightly. 

"Josh?" I prodded, concerned.  

"I'm scared," he whispered, wriggling close against me and holding me
tightly. He was still trembling.  

"Why are you scared? Sweetie?" 

But he only shook his head again. I sighed, readjusting my grip on
Hannah and then putting an arm around Josh, rubbing his back, shielding
him. What was it that was so bad he didn't think we could fix it? 

"You'll be okay, Josh," I promised him. "Daddy and I won't let anybody
hurt you. We won't let you be harmed. We wouldn't ever hurt or betray
you in any way." 

His tiny body only seemed more rigid at my words, his grip on me more
desperate. He didn't cry, but I hushed him, soothed him, wishing that
his tears could be dried as easily as Erin's, with a kiss and a
lollipop. That was the price we paid to have such an extraordinary
little boy in our lives - we wouldn't always be able to make it better.
There were so many things that were beyond our control. 

Hannah was growing heavy in my arms, my right wrist and elbow aching. I
sighed again, staring ahead in the darkness. Josh was so still against
me, suffering silently.  
"I know it's hard, Josh," I whispered, looking down at him, touching
his hair. "But I know that you have such a strong faith, and if nothing
else is going to get you through this - whatever this is - you have to
remember that God will never forsake you. Never. And neither will Daddy
and I." 

He drew a shaky breath in the darkness, and when he spoke his words
chilled me. "We'll see." 
  

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- JACQUELINE - 

The puppies had been crying all through the night. I'd gone to check on
them several times, and on my two am visit I'd found Ebony sitting on
the laundry floor between them, singing softly to them as they'd
whined, nuzzling against her. I hadn't heard her sing since Australia. 

I had a busy morning. Several check-ups, then several hours work in the
lab; I was running late to meet Aaron for lunch.  
We always ate lunch together, at the café a few doors down. I'd bring
Noah down with me, and Ebony if she was at the office that day. That
didn't allow much time for serious conversation between Aaron and I; it
was just a meal, family mealtime as I often thought of it as. Aaron
would often have stories he'd tell Ebony or he'd help me feed Noah, and
we'd sit out in the sunshine and just enjoy the day. On Tuesday,
though, I'd left Ebony at home, and had left Noah sleeping up in
daycare. 

"Just the two of us today?" Aaron gazed at me, eyebrow raised. 

"Yeah, just us." I smiled cautiously, not wanting him to think I'd set
this up intentionally. "Ebony decided she didn't want to come today." 

"A big old shake of the head, huh?" 

"Exactly." 

We ordered.  

"Have you thought about putting her in therapy again? I know you said
you tried it once, but maybe she's more ready for it now." 

I nodded. To be honest, I hadn't really thought about it for months. "I
guess I've gotten used to her silence. She's doing okay, otherwise.
Compared to where she was six months-" I broke off. Six months ago
she'd been in Grae's care.  
I shrugged. "Anyway, you're right. I'll look into it." 

He nodded, thanking the waitress as she brought our drinks. "So, what
are you reading at the moment?" 

I knew what he was referring to. Almost all our conversations revolved
around the Bible, these days. My doing just as much as his. "I went
back to Mark. Rereading some of the parables." 

He watched me closely. "You found something you didn't like?" 

I nodded, pulling back as the waitress put down my salad. I waited
until she had gone to answer. "It scared me, I guess. I read the
parable about the farmer and the seeds." 

Aaron leaned back, a knowing smile on his face. "I thought you might
have trouble with that one. Which one are you afraid that you are - the
seed that falls in shallow ground, sprouting quickly but then dying
because it's without roots? Or a seed among thorns, choked by the
worries of the world, unfruitful?" 

"A little of both, I guess. I'm afraid that this isn't going to last...
that my skepticism will win out." 

He watched me, thoughtful. "I can't say I have the answer for you,
Jacqui," he said finally. "It's between you and God." 

"That doesn't really help."  

He smiled. "Sorry. But I'd be lying if I told you it was all going to
be roses." He thanked the waitress as she delivered his lunch. "Have a
look at Hebrews eleven. 'Faith is being sure of what we hope for, and
certain of what we cannot see'." 

He dug into his lunch and we sat eating for a few minutes. I broke the
silence with a question I'd been pondering for the last few days. "At
the risk of sounding cliché... Why *does* God let bad things happen to
good people?" 

Aaron finished a mouthful, took a sip of water, and leaned back. "God
gave us free will." 

"Why? You can't tell me he didn't realise what a mess we'd make of
everything." 

"He didn't want to create autonomous creatures programmed to love. He
wants us to make the choice of our own free will, to turn away from
sin, to Him. He doesn't cause bad things to happen. They result from
our own actions, as individuals and as a people." 

"I guess." It all seemed a little too difficult for my mind to accept
at that moment. My lack of sleep was only really starting to hit me.  
I sighed, tired, and, like a child asking for a favourite bedtime
story, pleaded "Tell me about your wife, Grace." 
  

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- MULDER - 

Tuesday seemed to pass more easily than Monday had. Work had been
routine enough, and when I rang home early afternoon I reached Scully
as she was just settling down for a nap. "We've watched The Little
Mermaid twice, and she was out like a light," she reported sleepily.  

Astrid, choosing to apologise to the student she'd fought with rather
than take the two-day suspension, looked back to normal after
yesterday's incident. She'd let the scars heal over and without the
physical reminders we could almost have forgotten the whole thing had
ever happened. But when I looked in her eyes I knew it was a long way
from forgotten. It wasn't so much anger as just a lost sort of
wistfulness in them that made my chest heavy.  

And Josh... Scully had relayed what he had told her, and, knowing that,
I could see how much quieter and paler he was than usual. If she hadn't
mentioned it, I wasn't so sure if I would have seen it. Josh so often
just got lost and forgotten. We looked at him without really seeing. 

We'd finished dinner and I was sitting at the table waiting for Erin to
finish off her corn, when the doorbell buzzed. Scully had disappeared
from sight - to change a diaper, I thought. Josh was in his room and
Astrid, sitting in front of the TV, made no move to answer it. It was
left to me. 

It was a woman. Late forties or early fifties, dressed in a motherly
sort of way but with a briefcase at her side. "Mr Mulder? I'm Anna
Jeffries, from Child and Family Services." 

CFS? I raised an eyebrow.  

"I rang earlier today," she explained. "I left a message on your
machine. I thought while I was visiting another family nearby I'd take
a gamble and see if you were home this evening." 

I glanced over at the answering machine. We never really checked it
much, these days; it wasn't often we were all out. It must have taken
the message while Scully was napping. She slept so heavily, lately.  

"Can I come in for a few minutes, Mr Mulder?" 

I hesitated. Had the kids' school contacted CFS? Why? Because Astrid
had gotten into a fight? It couldn't be just that. But what else was
there? There was only one way to find out. 
"Sure." I stood back to let her through. Erin had climbed down from her
chair, stripped off her shorts and t-shirt, and was running around in
her underwear, face covered in crumbs from dinner. I grabbed hold of
her as she ran past, thankful for the diversion, and held her squirming
as I cleaned her up.  

Anna Jefferies stepped inside, subtly surveying the room. I gazed
around, realising what a mess the place was. Astrid's homework was
strewn all over the place, and Erin's toys. The hall was a landscape of
kicked off shoes and shed schoolbags. Nobody had cleared the dinner
table yet. Erin had left a trail of corn kernels behind her, squashed
into the carpet. So much for a first impression. 

I wasn't entirely sure what to say. I was pretty much powerless and it
was foreign territory. 

"Is your wife at home?"  

I nodded, gazing at her. Who sent you here? What did they say we were
doing? 
I turned my head to holler, then stopped, suddenly self-conscious.
Instead, I turned to Astrid, who was kneeling on the couch watching us
over the top. "Astrid, could you go get Mom, please?" 

She nodded, almost running from the room. The fear in her eyes hadn't
encouraged me. 

Anna Jeffries indicated the living room couches, just vacated. "Could
we talk over here, Mr Mulder?" 

Nodding agreement, I followed her over cautiously, apprehensive. Just
as I was about to sit Scully appeared, Hannah in her arms. Though she
looked calm enough, I could see how tense she was. Had they discovered
the false adoption records? Were they going to take Josh and Astrid
away from us? It had been a fear all along. "Mulder?" 

It was a dozen different questions rolled into that one word. I nodded.
It's okay. 
"This is Anna Jeffries from CFS." 

Scully moved forward, wary as I was. "What's this about?" 

The social worker indicated for Scully to sit down, and she did so,
sinking down beside me on the couch, Hannah against her shoulder.  

"We've received some reports of neglect." 

Neglect? Half of me was relieved that our record falsifying had
remained unnoticed, but the other half only more panicked, because the
accusation hit close to home. We didn't neglect the kids intentionally,
but with all our struggles it seemed they were forever wanting.  

"From who?" 

"We can't release that information, Mr Mulder." 

*Agent* Mulder, I wanted to correct her, but that just wasn't relevant,
I realised. It didn't matter if I was president of the United States. 

"What sort of reports?" That was Scully. 

"To be honest, the primary concerns appear to be regarding your
devotion to your work; you both frequently leave the children at a
moment's notice, on occasions entrusting the safety of the two younger
children to their older siblings. I've already spoken to the counsellor
at Astrid and Joshua's school and she has admitted some concern over
your failure to keep appointments regarding the children's wellbeing,
as well as concern over the impact your work appears to be having on
their psychological welfare..." 

I glanced at Scully. Her face was set, her eyes angry, but she was
silent. I spoke up. "Astrid and Josh are different. They each have an
IQ of around two hundred." 

"I understand that, Mr Mulder. I'm sure that you appreciate, though,
that it is often the more intelligent children who need support." 
  
Astrid, standing only a few feet away, watching, interrupted. "They're
not doing anything wrong." 

"Astrid," Scully warned. She threw her a pleading glance and Astrid
retreated, angry apprehension on her face. 

"Astrid and Josh are both very competent at caring for Erin and
Hannah," Scully said coldly. "They've both done first aid training,
they can change diapers and give bottles. They've proven themselves
responsible babysitters." 

"They're only nine and seven." 

"Intellectually, they're practically adults," I argued. 

"That may be, Mr Mulder, but *emotionally* they're still only children
themselves. The counsellor at their school -" 

"We keep in contact with Mrs Preston. We're aware that Astrid and Josh
both have difficulties at school." 

"Mrs Preston is concerned that both children require more extensive
counselling than she is capable of giving, particularly following an
incident several months ago... a teacher who was apparently stalking
certain students? You were involved in that?" 

"Josh was in danger," I admitted grimly. Was she going to blame us for
that, blame the x-files? 

"There have been several other occasions, haven't there, where one or
more of the children or you yourselves have been in danger?" 

"We deal with dangerous cases," Scully acknowledged. I was glad she
spoke in present tense. "We do our best not to bring it home." 

Anna Jeffries nodded toward the coffee table where I'd tossed a pile of
casefiles for Scully to look through. "But you do bring home
photographs depicting graphic deaths? Descriptions of homocides?" 

"We try to keep them out of reach. Just like we keep our weapons out of
reach. Astrid and Josh know not to touch them." 

"What about Erin?" 

"As I said, we try to keep them out of reach. She's not interested in
them anyway. We don't want the kids seeing those things any more than
you do." 

"I'm sure that's true." Anna Jeffries stood. "Could I have a few
minutes to talk to Astrid and Joshua?" 
  

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- ASTRID - 

She asked me a whole bunch of questions. How much of the time were
Mommy and Daddy at home? If I had a problem, did I feel that I could
talk to them? Did I feel safe with them? How fair did I feel the
responsibility I was given was? 

I didn't trust her and only gave her short answers. Of course I trusted
Mom and Dad. They were busy with work and each other and Josh and Erin
and Hannah too but they didn't ignore me or anything. They tried to
help me if something was wrong or if I felt bad. I liked to help out by
taking care of Josh and Erin and Hannah. I knew first aid and how to
call 911 and how to look after Erin by myself. I wasn't a stupid kid -
I was old enough to have that responsibility. I could be studying for
the SATs, except I didn't want to leave school yet. 

After everything I'd said she still seemed to think I was just a kid.
"I understand that you love your parents and you don't want them to get
into any trouble, Astrid, but it's important that you tell the truth." 

I looked at her defiantly. "They're good to us." 
  

I insisted on staying when she talked to Josh. Firstly because I didn't
want her bullying him and also because I was afraid of what he'd say
about Mom and Daddy. 

We've got to protect them, Joshie. Just tell her everything's fine. 

  
"Your counsellor at school says you seem very unhappy, Joshua." 

"It's not their fault. They try to fix it, they just can't." 

"What do you mean, they can't?" 

"It's not their fault. Nobody can." And that was it. He wouldn't answer
any more of her questions. 
  

The social worker said then that she just wanted to talk to Erin for a
bit, so she followed Erin around the house as she played with her
trucks, making all her beep beep and meep meep noises. Joshie and I
followed them, wondering what Erin was going to say, but she was being
silly and just grinning and giggling. It seemed to make a good
impression on Mrs Jeffries, anyway. 

She went back to talk to Mom and Daddy before she left. They were still
sitting on the couch, but now Daddy had Hannah, and he was lifting her
up above his head. She loved that. Mommy was smiling, though she looked
a little sad. She and Daddy were sitting close side by side. 

"Joshua seems to be deeply disturbed by something," Mrs Jeffries said. 

"Brilliance is a difficult thing for somebody so young," Daddy told her
quietly. "He feels the world's troubles very deeply." 

Mrs Jeffries nodded. "I'll be filing a report of my findings here, but
I don't think we'll need to bother you again. I understand that
something like this can be an ordeal and I'm sorry to have taken up
your time." 

And she left. Mommy closed the door behind her and stood there and
sighed. She and Daddy both still looked worried.  

"Who do you think reported us?" Mommy wondered aloud. "The school?" 

Daddy shook his head. "No. They would have warned us first." 

I knew what they both were thinking. Who else could it be? Why would
somebody do something like that? And did they do it because they
thought we were seriously in danger or because they wanted Mommy and
Daddy to get in trouble? And who would want Mommy and Daddy to get into
trouble? 

"I guess we've made a lot of enemies over the years," Daddy mused,
unhappy. "It was bound to catch up with us." 

Crossing her arms, Mommy didn't look convinced. "But who could go to
the effort? How would they know those sorts of things? It could only be
somebody who's close to us, or who has been close to us..." 

"Jacqueline?" Daddy wondered. 

Mommy shook her head. "She wouldn't." 

They realised at the same time. Graham. There was no question about
it.  

Mommy headed toward the kitchen. "I'm going to call Jacqueline." 
  

Duckie turned up about half an hour later, holding Noah and with Ebony
following behind her. We were all used to that. We were all listening
as Mommy and Daddy explained what had happened and that they thought
Graham was responsible, that he was trying to get back at Duckie
through us. 

"Makes sense," Duckie said, sounding bitter. "He wouldn't hurt Ebony or
Noah..." He knows that if I lost them, she thought silently, I could go
on. But if I lost Dana and Fox and the kids... 

He was so horrible. I couldn't believe we'd been friends with him. He
was such a horrible, backstabbing, malicious... He was scary, too. He
knew all about me and Joshie. What was he going to do? My stomach was
all jumpy and I felt a bit sick. I hated him so much. I wished he was
dead. "You should have killed him when you had the chance," I told
Duckie, angry.  

"Astrid!" Mommy said sharply. I knew she was upset too but the way
she'd told me off only made me angrier. I went out and slammed the door
to my room as hard as I could. 

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- SCULLY - 

I hadn't been particularly surprised by Astrid's outburst, only
unsettled. Nine year olds shouldn't see murder as such a matter of fact
response. Maybe there was some truth in what the CFS woman had said; it
was because of us and our work that Astrid had that attitude.. 

Josh had slipped out quietly a few minutes after Astrid's dramatic
exit. Hannah had started fussing and Mulder had taken her for a walk
around the block. I knew he was tense over the development and that
getting some distance between us all was probably a good idea, but I
also could have used his strength.  

Erin was on the floor with her blocks, and I watched as Noah toddled up
to her, plonking down, picking up a cube and trying to fit it in his
mouth. Ebony sat silently in the armchair, a children's book open in
her lap. She didn't seem to be reading it, just gazing at the
illustrations.  

"She's probably right, you know," Jacqui observed quietly. 

"Astrid?" 

She nodded. "He's never going to give up, Dana. He hates me, he wants
Ebony and Noah... And he knows you and Fox and the kids are my
weakness." 

I stared at her. She wasn't -? "You're not seriously -" 

"Considering killing him?" She shook her head with a wry smile. "No.
There's got to be another way of dealing with him. I'll find it." She
shook herself. "Let's not talk about him, huh? If we let him scare us,
we're letting him win." 

I shrugged, understanding her wanting to change the subject but not
really in the mood to socialise. Jacqui seemed a little edgy herself, a
little rushed as she launched into talk about the puppies. Ebony was
just fantastic with them. They'd lick Noah clean every time he spilled
food and they made him smile. He had a sweet little smile, she said.
She hadn't heard it much since he was only a few months old.  

"You do realise how monstrous those dogs are going to get?" I couldn't
resist asking. "How much they eat?" 

She shrugged with that carefree optimism. "All the more reason to get a
bigger place. Did I tell you? My landlord found out about the puppies-"

"Already?" 'I told you so' was on the tip of my tongue. 

"- and called me tonight about it. He's furious. Wants me out by the
end of the month. I'm looking around at houses in the neighbourhood." 

"A house? You sure you're ready for that?" 

"Think about it, Dana; a backyard for the kids, plenty of room for the
puppies, a place that's entirely mine and the kids'. I want to get out
of my apartment, anyway. Too many memories of Graham." She smiled
quickly, and stood. "Listen, I'm sure you and Fox and the kids are
going to want to talk about everything, so I'll go now. I'm really
sorry about Graham, but I'll figure out a way of handling it, so don't
worry, okay? Tell the kids not to worry about it." 

She caught Ebony's attention and picked Noah up, heading to the door
just as Mulder was coming in with Hannah. I showed Jacqui out, then
took Hannah. She was awake but quiet. 

Mulder went over to the couch, throwing himself down. I moved more
slowly toward him, dropping down on the couch beside him with Hannah in
my arms and snuggling up against Mulder. It was a warm night but I
still wanted the contact.  

"Jacqueline said not to worry about it, that she'd handle it." 

Mulder grunted in acknowledgement, resting his head on mine. "What do
you say we all go to bed early? I think we could do with an early
night." 

It was warm and comfortable against him. I sighed, relaxing. "In a
little while." 
  

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- JACQUELINE - 

I got hold of him that night on his cellular. "You're such a twisted
bastard, Grae. You're disgusting." 

"Watch the name calling, ay? I was just doing my duty as a concerned
citizen. Your beloved Fox and Dana are doing a half-arsed parenting job
and you know that." 

"That's crap. Listen to me, you prick -" 

"No, you listen to me, pussy cat. You think having the CFS poking
around was bad, you don't want to know what I've got coming. Let's just
say I might take it to heart to set somebody poking around the rather
interesting adoption records of Astrid and Joshua Moss! Unless you
wanted to talk me out of it." 

"I'm not playing your games, Grae." 

"Don't think I wouldn't do it, Jacqui. I can make their family fall
apart like *that*. Now, the question is, are you going to stop me or
just sit back and watch it happen?" 

"You're a sick twisted son of a bitch, Graham! I'm not going to let you
run my life! I don't want you anywhere near me. You disgust me, you
hear that? You're revolting and I'm not letting you have anything,
*anything*, to do with me!" 

"You'd betray Fox and Dana?" 

"Shut up!!" 

"I'll ruin them, you little bitch. I'll ruin them and then I'll ruin
you. You just watch." 

He hung up. I just stood there, phone to my ear, shaking at the anger
in his voice. Oh God. Please, God, I don't know if I just did the right
thing. God, you're the only one who can help me here. Please... 

Making a sudden decision, I pressed redial, drawing a deep breath as I
waited for him to answer. I gritted my teeth.  

He picked up. 

"What do you want?" I asked quietly. 

"Ah! Change of heart, Jacqui?" 

"I want to hear your terms. I'm not agreeing to anything and I'm not
going to take back anything I've just said. You're going to go to Hell,
Grae. You're going to spend eternity screaming in so much agony... Tell
me your terms and I'll consider them." 

"I'm not in state at the moment. I'll fly in and give you a call. Your
unlisted number hasn't changed in the last three weeks, I assume?" 

I was silent, seething and shaking. God, I need your wisdom here... 

"I'll call, Jacqui. Sleep tight." And he hung up. 

I tossed the phone down. It hit the floor and the plastic cracked. I
kicked it against the cupboard doors. I turned away, walked into the
lounge room and sat down, and just gazed ahead of me. What to do, what
to do, what to do.. Lord, what to do... 

I don't know how long I sat there for. Noah crying jolted me back to
reality and I realised I was cold. I wasn't sure why; it was a warm
summer night. But in his bedroom I grabbed a spare blanket and put it
round my shoulders. My hands were icy cold and I rubbed them on the
blanket, trying to warm them before I touched Noah.  

He was crying quite heavily, hiccuping and red-faced. I checked his
diaper and then put a hand to his forehead, but he didn't seem to have
a fever. Just upset.  

I paced with him in the apartment. It still wasn't often I did that; I
usually tried to avoid it, holding him only briefly and then letting
him down again or not picking him up at all, just putting on his moving
nightlight and some Beethoven. That usually stopped him.  

He fell asleep in the crook of one arm, one chubby hand dangling, his
wet, swollen face pressed against me. I paused for a moment, struck
with awe. This wasn't just a little nuisance constantly requiring
feeding and changing and bathing and intellectual nourishment. He was a
warm, soft little body, a baby - *my* baby. I'd been making more of an
effort to care for him, the past few months, but the love I'd been
giving him had been that of a dutiful nursemaid, a babysitter. I was
his mom. I had brought this life into the world and he was mine and I
was his. This sleepy little bundle was mine. 
"Oh God," I breathed, stunned. "Thank you..." 

I lowered us down on the couch and settled against the armrest with him
still against me, tired but buoyed by this new discovery. A sense of
peace had just flooded right through me. I felt so calm. It was
exquisite.  

I kissed Noah's forehead and then leaned back with a sigh, closing me
eyes in near rapture. Thank you, Lord. Thank you... 
  

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- MULDER - 

Jacqueline invited us all over to dinner. Since we needed to take two
cars anyway, I'd told Scully to take the kids to Jacqueline's and I'd
go there straight from work. 

The place was alive when I got there. It was the last thing I'd
expected, following the previous night's sobering events. I stepped
through the door, wondering what had happened to have everybody so
relaxed, the kids so playful. Jacqueline, hugging Noah against her, was
bright-eyed and constantly on the move, smiling, talking incessantly.
Astrid and Josh and Erin and Ebony were with the puppies, and, from the
squeals and excited yapping that came from the crowd on the living room
floor, it sounded like they were having fun. Even Scully had a smile
dancing on her face as she greeted me, hands on my arms to kiss me. 

"Good day?" I guessed. 

She grinned. "Better than good. We've gone ten hours without a tantrum,
and counting. Hannah's been like clockwork. Astrid's looking far
happier. Josh is quiet as ever... something still troubling him, but
the rest of them... And I went for a run. Did two and a half miles." 

"Kathy came in?" 

"No, I left them in daycare at the clinic. Jacqui and I went out
together. It felt so great just to get out of the house, just to have
the time to myself.." She slid her arm around my waist and hugged my
side. "It's just been so long since I've had a good day - a really
*good* day. I'm just enjoying it while it's here." 

I grinned, loving seeing her smile. I didn't see it often enough. I
never had. 
  

It was the most talkative meal in a long time. Grilled fresh fish,
which Jacqueline knew even Erin would eat, salad and wine.  
"What are we celebrating?" Scully queried as her wine glass was filled.

Jacqueline raised her own glass. "To family." 
  

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- JACQUELINE - 

We'd finished dinner when he rang. I hadn't been certain of when he was
going to call, but I hadn't wanted to be alone.  
It had been a difficult day. My mood had swung back and forth between
that beautiful calm and then a frantic apprehension. What did Grae
want? Would I do it? But I couldn't deal with him. I wouldn't put
myself in that situation again. But Fox and Dana...  

I don't think they even noticed something was wrong during dinner. I
felt driven, feverish with anticipation, on edge and sick with worry
but I hid it all, and the happiness I used to hide it wasn't entirely a
mask. I *was* happy. I had these fantastic people in my life. I knew in
my heart like I never had before that God existed and that he'd given
me this family, this life, and that certainty had brought with it such
a beatiful peace, I just wanted to revel in it, dance for joy.  

When my phone rang Astrid ran to answer it. I beat her to it. "I'll get
it, Astrid." 

It was him, of course. Leaving everybody in the living room, I took the
phone into my bedroom.  

"Be quick, I'm entertaining," I told him shortly. 

"Do I get to guess who?" 

"Get to it or the deal's off, I'll hang up." 

"I'm staying at the Watergate. Rather ironic, huh? I want to talk to
you in person, tomorrow morning. I'm in room 211." 

"I'm not going there." I could bear the idea of being trapped somewhere
with him. "We meet out in the open." 

"What are you scheming at, sugar? You're not going to do anything
stupid, are you?" 

"One pm. The Ridgeway Mall parking lot. It's not too busy at that time
of day but there'll be enough people around. The middle of one of the
middle rows." 

"You still driving that ridiculous four-wheel drive?" 

"Are you?" 

"Ah, still that same spirit." 

I set my teeth, disgusted. "One p.m. If you're not there I'll assume
you're not coming."  

"Bring the kids." 

"I'm coming alone. One p.m." I hung up. Letting the phone down, I sat
back on my bed and exhaled slowly. Oh God. I did it. I didn't let him
get the better of me.  

I drew a breath, trying to calm myself. I was relieved, almost elated,
at how I'd survived that conversation. I knew that tomorrow's
confrontation would be worse but having managed this, I felt more
prepared for it.  

I stood, exhaling again. I picked up the phone and moved over to my
dressing table, looking at my reflection in the mirror. I looked
flushed, almost glowing. Whether I looked scared or excited, I wasn't
so sure. I redid my hair, drew another breath, and let myself out of my
bedroom. 

Astrid and Josh were standing right outside in the hallway. 

"What is it?" I asked them sharply. 

Astrid's innocent eyes met mine. "We can't find your Monopoly set." 

I relaxed. "It's in the bottom of the linen cupboard." I smiled, giving
her a gentle push. "I get to be the cowboy hat." 
  

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- ASTRID - 

I couldn't sleep. I knew everybody had been having fun at Duckie's but
the more I thought about it the more I felt that sick feeling in the
pit of my stomach. There'd been something wrong... 

I could hear Mommy and Daddy out in the living room. Mommy was watching
TV while she fed Hannah, and Daddy was telling jokes. Mommy told him to
be quiet, she couldn't hear the TV. Then what she was watching finished
and they turned the TV off, and they were talking about us, about how
I'd seemed better today, but Josh... Mommy just sighed when she said
his name, and Daddy murmured something and they were both quiet.  

I closed my eyes, and tried to get to sleep, but I still couldn't. I
could hear them tidying up and Hannah crying a bit and then it went
quiet for a long, long time, and all I could hear was the refridgerator
humming and the apartment creaking a bit, and Erin making little noises
in her sleep. It was twelve fifty-nine a.m. I watched as my alarm clock
flipped over to one a.m.  

I kicked back my sheet and climbed down the ladder. I normally jumped
straight to the floor, but it made a thud, and I didn't want anybody
else to be awake. I peeked at Erin but she was fast asleep with her
thumb in her mouth. I tiptoed out of our room, and along the hallway to
Josh's. 

It was always so dark in his room. He had really thick curtains, that
didn't let any light in from outside, and he kept his door almost
completely closed. I nudged it open and slid through. 

"Josh?" I whispered, but he didn't answer. He was still, facing away
from me. I wasn't sure if he was asleep, or just ignoring me. I backed
out of his room. 

Hannah wasn't in her room. I headed toward Mommy and Daddy's room, even
quieter than before. They got a bit of moonlight in their room and I
could always see them pretty clearly, though usually they were asleep.
Tonight, they were both awake. I didn't go in, just peered around the
doorframe, not letting them know that I was there. 

They were lying on their sides, facing in toward each other, and Hannah
was on the bed between them, awake. They were smiling, talking to each
other softly, playing with Hannah's hands and tickling her belly. They
looked so calm, so happy. 

I backed up again, and I went back along the hallway to my room. Even
though I could hear Erin breathing I felt very alone as I climbed back
up to my bed and pulled the sheet back over me. I hugged my spare
pillow, wishing I had a teddy bear, and closed my eyes and pretended to
be asleep. 

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- JACQUELINE - 

My last appointment was a quick check-up at quarter to twelve. I'd had
a complicated procedure scheduled for ten am that morning but asked
Aaron to take over for me. I knew I was too distracted, too jittery,
for something like that. Even during the run-of-the-mill checkups I had
to push myself to stay focused. 

It only took about ten minutes by car to get to the mall, but I'd
resolved to give myself half an hour. It probably would have been a
better idea to have left myself short on time - that extra twenty
minutes ended up as hesitation time. 
I didn't tell Aaron where I was going, only that I had to go to the
mall and we'd miss lunch together. I checked in on Noah in daycare,
picking him up for a goodbye hug and then finding it hard to let him
go. I'd left Ebony at home in the apartment with the puppies. 

I hesitated in the parking lot for almost ten minutes. Just putting the
key in the ignition proved an enormous psychological hurdle. I didn't
have to go, I thought. I could just get out of the car, go back
upstairs with some excuse for Aaron, then he and Noah and I could go to
lunch and I could pretend Grae just didn't exist, like I had been the
past few months. It was sheer will alone that made me move. The sooner
I got there, the sooner it was over with... 

I was barely out of sight of the clinic when I panicked. Eyes still on
the road, I reached across and dug into my handbag, sifting through
everything. Oh God. It wasn't there. I pulled the car over and dragged
my bag over onto my lap, pulling it wide open and sifting through.
Purse, cellphone, lip gloss, hairbrush, mints, house keys, box of
tampons, sunglasses... No Smith and Wesson. I sucked in a deep breath.
I'd put it in there, I was sure. I must have unpacked it without
thinking. But did I feel safe going without it? 

I looked at my watch. Seven minutes to one. If I didn't get moving I'd
be late. He might leave if I wasn't there by one. And if that was the
case, I might as well just turn back now...  

I shook myself. No. I wouldn't be a coward about this. I'd survived
last night's phone call, I could survive this. I didn't have to make
any decisions on the spot. I could just walk away from him. 

Before I could change my mind again, I checked my blind spot and pulled
out again into the traffic.  

I turned the radio right up, then right down again after I went
straight through a stop sign. Concentrate, Jacqui, I thought shakily.
Concentrate. 

The carpark was pretty full and I could only find a space a few rows
away from the meeting spot I'd chosen. Getting out of my car, I could
see the silver roof of Grae's Jeep above the rows of sedans and station
wagons.  

Just let this be over soon, God, I pleaded. I drew a deep breath,
staring at the Jeep. The sun was reflecting off the windscreen and I
couldn't see if he was inside or not. It was altogether too beautiful a
day to waste feeling like this. A warm, sunny day, but with a strong
cool breeze. There wasn't a cloud in the sky.  

It'll be all over soon, I promised myself as I started toward him,
trying to look confident, casual. Over soon. In all things God works
for the good of those who love Him... 
  

He was still in his car. I stood, gazing through the tinted window for
a moment. His dark shadow looked so *still*...  

I held my breath. Oh Lord...  

I rapped on the window. No movement. I reached for the doorhandle and
pulled the door open gently.. 

He was sitting back in the seat, his head falling to the side as if he
was asleep. But I knew he wasn't asleep.  

Fingers trembling, I reached to touch his jaw. His head was sitting
heavily on his shoulder but as I pushed it up I saw the bullethole, and
the wet blood down his neck and dribbling down the front of his dark
shirt.. 

I let go and his head fell back on his shoulder. I took a step back and
slammed the door shut. There was wet, sticky blood on my fingers and I
just stared at it. I have to call the police. I have to do everything
properly, because if I try to cover up I'll just look guilty. I have
Grae's blood on me. Oh God. Look at it. Do I wash the blood off or not?

I left that question for the moment and pulled out my cellphone,
dialing with my left hand. I called 911. 

They took the details and asked me to stay where I was until they
arrived. All I wanted was to run home and draw Noah into my arms and
hold him forever, but I knew I had to stay, had to cooperate, had to
look innocent. I had to do everything by the book. 

I put my phone away, but as I did I remembered. I'd had my gun with me
last night. I could swear it without a doubt. I'd remembered touching
it when I'd gotten my cellphone out, when Dana had rung. It had been in
my handbag when I'd left for Fox and Dana's...  

Astrid. I knew it with sudden absolute certainty. She was the one who
liked guns. She'd shot that teacher who'd been stalking Josh. She'd
even said... What had she said? 'You should have killed him when you
had the chance.' 

She'd overheard my conversation with him last night. She hated him. She
knew what he could do to her family... And so she'd acted. After all,
her school was right next door to the mall... She could have run the
distance in two minutes. 

I dived back into my bag for my cellphone, then thought again. If they
suspected me, they'd check all the outgoing calls. The nearest payphone
was by the big glass doors, about forty yards away. I ran, then forced
myself to slow into a jog, knowing that being out of breath would make
things harder. I scrounged in the bottom of my handbag for a couple of
loose quarters and fed them into the slot, all the time trying to slow
my breathing, calm down, think of what to say. 

Her cellular rang. And rang. And rang.. What if she didn't answer it?
But she had to. She knew only important calls ever came through. Come
on, Astrid.. 

"Hello?" She sounded out of breath, too. 

I hadn't managed to come up with any coherent way to confront her and
so I just launched into the questions. "Why did you do that, Astrid? I
told you I could handle it! Did you sneak out at lunch time? Did
anybody see you?" 

"Duckie, I was..." She sounded flustered. "I was practicing a monologue
by myself all lunch, in the auditorium..." 

"Damnit, Astrid." I needed to know the truth, not her alibi. I thought
fast. "Just say that I was with you, okay? That I dropped in and that
we were together for all of lunch time, okay? Is it the Eleanor
Roosevelt monologue?" 

"Duckie-" 

"Quick, Astrid. I have to go, the cops will be here soon. The Roosevelt
one?" 

"Yeah, but Duckie-" 

"We were together, Astrid. Just remember. We were together the whole
time." And I hung up. 
  

I'd just gotten back to the car when a marked police car pulled into
the parking lot. I stood, watching is it neared, wondering if the dark
calm that had descended on me was what some people described as the
feeling of 'impending doom'. 

Two middle-aged officers. I indicated Grae's car and stepped back,
answering their questions, watching as they gingerly opened the door
and examined the body. 
"He hasn't been dead long," one said. 

"He'd only been dead a few minutes when I got here," I told them
quietly, truthfully. I offered by way of explanation, "I'm a doctor." 

The first officer went off to radio it in. The second touched the
doorframe. "Was this open or closed?" 

"Closed. I touched the doorhandle and I lifted his head to see if he
was dead or alive." I showed my blood-stained fingers. "That was how I
found the bulletwound." 

"How'd you know anything was wrong? The windows are tinted pretty
heavily." 

"I could see him slumped down, inside." 

"You didn't think he might just have been sleeping?" 

"No, I -" I realised suddenly. They thought I was just a random shopper
on her way to the mall. I hesitated, wondering whether to play on that,
see if I could bluff it out. But no, I had to stick as near to the
truth as possible. "I had organised to meet him here, at one o'clock." 

A look of surprise. "You know this man?" 

"Yes." I gazed evenly at the officer. "He's my ex-husband." 

You could almost see them adding one and one together. It was as if on
the spot they had decided my motive, confirmed my guilt and were
already calculating a sentence for me.  
I gave them his details, my details, the details of our meeting. He
wanted to reconcile, I told them. I was there to tell him to stay the
hell away from me. 

A second police car arrived, followed by a forensics team and a
coroner's van. I realised that a crowd was building up. A third set of
police officers turned up, it seemed, for the sole purpose of crowd
control. I was vaguely aware of the dramatic appeal of it all. Astrid
would have loved this... 

I was taken aside, then asked if I would go down to the local precinct
for more questions. Knowing that I had no real choice in the matter, I
nodded.  

I went in a squad car, leaving my car still in the parking lot. Neither
of the officers in the car talked to me but I didn't mind. I knew they
all thought I did it, and the simplicity of their deductions was almost
laughable. But I still felt that strange calm, almost untouchable. Grae
was dead. He couldn't threaten anymore. I felt safer than I could ever
remember feeling and it was wonderful. But Astrid... I shivered, as
though I'd just walked out of the sunshine and into the shade. How
could she have done that? How was she going to cope with what she'd
done? I could protect her from the police and from the law but I
couldn't protect her from nightmares and regret.  

I was taken into a small interrogation room by an older looking
detective. It just all felt so surreal that I shook myself, trying to
look normal. I didn't want to look like I was out of my mind. 

I restated my name and details, my relationship with Grae, my reason
for meeting him there, and how I'd found him there, dead only a few
minutes.  

"And before you arrived on the scene, you were coming from what
direction? From home, from work...?" 

"I was at my counsin's school, helping her to rehearse a drama
monologue in the school auditorium during lunch time. The Edith
Henderson School; it's right next door. Astrid Moss." 

"And you went straight from the school to the parking lot for your one
o'clock meeting, where you found your ex-husband dead?" 

"Yes." 

The detective leaned across the desk at me. "Do you own a firearm, Dr
Moss?" 

No hesitation, Jacqui. I shook my head. "No." 

"Do you have experience with firearms?" 

"Yes." 

"You go to target ranges sometimes, that sort of thing?" 

"Yes." 

"But you don't own a weapon yourself, or have a gun license?" 

"No. I have two children at home." 

"These children are the offspring of your marriage to Graham Bell?" 

"Ebony was adopted. Noah is ours." 

"Was it a happy marriage, Dr Moss?" 

Be honest. "No." 

The detective looked surprised at my response. 

"You had difficulties?" 

"He was a terrible man. Twisted. He had a violent temper." 

"So you divorced.. You divorced him?" 

"Yes." 

"But now he wanted to reconcile?" 

"He wanted his possessions back. I was there to tell him to go to
hell." 

"You would not reconcile?" 

"Absolutely not." 

The detective gazed at me. "Did your husband abuse you, Dr Moss?" 

"He broke most of my fingers, once." 

"Did you press charges?" 

"No. I didn't want to bring the police into it. He took off... That was
enough, for the time being." 

"Surely any hospital would have notified the police if they'd suspected
abuse?" 

"I didn't go to a hospital. I had a friend of mine, a doctor, fix me
up." 

"Are you glad your ex-husband is dead, Dr Moss?" 

I drew a breath. "Yes." I smiled a little, knowing his thoughts. "But I
didn't kill him." 

"Do you have any idea who did?" 

"He was involved in a lot of dark schemes," I said carefully. "He had a
lot of friends, but I think he had a lot of enemies, too." An idea
crossed my mind. "Or it could have been muggers or carjackers, maybe." 

"His wallet was still present, with cash and credit cards." 

I shrugged, knowing that such a theory wouldn't really have stood up
anyway. "It was just a thought." 
  

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- ASTRID - 

We were in the middle of math when Mrs Preston knocked on the door. I
knew straight away that it was me she wanted to talk to, but I was
worried, because she always just sent somebody with a note to the
classroom, or called me over the PA system.  

I went with her quietly, nervous, wondering what Duckie had told them.
Oh God, please don't let me be in trouble... 

There were two police officers in Mrs Preston's office. She and I went
in there and she explained to me that they had some questions to ask
me. I sat down and one of the policemen sat down opposite me. And I
knew. Graham was dead and they thought Duckie had killed him.  

"We've just got a couple of questions to ask you, Astrid. If you don't
understand a question, or if you don't know the answer, that's okay. We
just need you to think as hard as you can, okay?" 

He was talking to me like I was a baby. I wanted to tell him how
condescending he was being, shout at him in Latin or something just to
show him that I wasn't stupid, but I kept quiet. Maybe it would be
better if I just let him think that, for the moment. 

"Now, Astrid, could you tell us what you were doing during lunch time
today?" 

"I was in the auditorium, rehearsing a monologue." 

"And you were there by yourself?" 

"No. Duc- Jacqueline was there with me." 

"Jacqueline?" 

"My big sister." 

"Your sister? Or is she your cousin?" 

She'd told them that I was her cousin? That sounded funny. Maybe I
shouldn't have said that she was my sister... But it was too late now. 

"Our parents died, so Fox - he was my mother's brother - and Dana
adopted me and Josh. He's my little brother." It sounded so simple,
almost *normal* when I put it that way. Nothing about aliens or The
Project or us not knowing for so long that Cate was Samantha...  

"Your sister wasn't also adopted?" 

"No, she stayed where we'd been living. But she's around a lot, now." 

"And you love your sister a lot, don't you, Astrid?" 

"I guess." 

"And you know that it's important to tell the truth. Telling lies can't
help your sister." 

They thought Duckie had killed Graham. They thought that I was lying to
cover for her. Did they know she'd called me? No, they didn't. They
just thought it was so obvious that she'd done it, because she was
there and because he'd treated her badly and she'd hated him.  

I looked as innocent as I could. "I know. Did Jacqui do something
wrong?" 

The detective smiled. "We're just asking questions for the moment." 

I nodded. "Can I go back to math now?" 
  

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- SCULLY - 

Astrid called me from school, telling me about Graham and Jacqueline.
Jacqui herself rang only a minute later. 

"Dana, I need to talk to you. Is it okay if I come around?" 
  

She turned up at quarter to four, just as Astrid and Josh were getting
home from school. Josh disappeared into his room as per usual, but
Astrid stuck around. I looked from Jacqui to Astrid and back again. 

"Who wants to tell me the full story?" 

Astrid shrugged. "I don't know what happened." 

"Jacqui?" 

She launched into her story, about organising the meeting with him,
turning up and finding him dead, calling the police, ringing up Astrid
to organise an alibi, being interrogated and released when her story
was confirmed. 

I stared at Jacqueline. I couldn't believe that she'd shoot Graham, not
in cold blood like that. But if she wasn't guilty, why had she created
an alibi for herself? Why had she brought Astrid into it? 

I glanced at Astrid, knowing she could hear my thoughts. "Astrid, can
you go check on Erin and Hannah, please? Erin should be waking up from
her nap, soon." 

Astrid looked as if she was going to refuse, then nodded and backed out
reluctantly. I returned my gaze to Jacqueline. 

"Did you kill him, Jacqui?" 

"Dana, I told you the truth. I found him there, dead." 

"Nobody would blame you for what you did." 

"I didn't do it, Dana!" 

"Then why did you ask Astrid to vouch for you?" 

She stared at me. "I thought you realised." 

"Realised what?" 

"The parking lot was right next to the school, Dana. My gun went
missing when you were all over last night. And you heard what Astrid
said..." 

Astrid? It was absurd. Astrid was even less likely to shoot somebody in
cold blood than Jacqueline was. "She wouldn't do that.." 

"She shot that teacher, remember?" 

"She was protecting herself, and Josh..." I trailed off. Graham had
threatened to separate our family. Would Astrid have gone that far -? 

Jacqui nodded. "She was protecting her family." 

I shook my head. No. It just wasn't possible. I'd have known if she was
planning something like that. I'd be able to see it in her eyes. 
"She couldn't just shoot him dead, in cold blood," I said slowly. "Not
Astrid." 

Jacqueline shrugged slowly.  

I turned and called her. "Astrid!" 

She came cautiously, watching us both. Had she listened in on that
conversation? 

I reached out a hand to her and pulled her to sit beside me on the
couch, settling myself so that I was facing her. "Astrid, Jacqueline
thinks that you killed Graham." 

Her eyes widened. She was a good actress but not that good. That was
genuine surprise. "Me? I didn't..." 

"It doesn't matter, Astrid," Jacqui crouched down beside us. "As long
as we say that we were together, they can't touch you, you understand?"

Astrid looked upset. "But I didn't. I *was* at school, all day-" 

"I know you took my gun, Astrid. I'm pretty sure that's the one that
was used to kill Graham." She looked unhappy. "You shouldn't have done
that, Astrid. I would have worked it out. You know I wouldn't have let
him hurt this family." 

"I didn't kill him!" Astrid protested. She looked at me, pleading. "I
didn't, Mommy. I really didn't. I heard Duckie on the phone and I
wished he was dead but I didn't kill him. I wouldn't..." 

"Then why did you say that Jacqueline had been with you?" I asked
gently, curious. 

Astrid was staring at her older sister. "Because I thought she did it,
just like she killed Cate and Roger..." She turned back to me, tears in
her eyes. "I promise, Mommy, I didn't do it. You have to believe me!" 

I hugged her, letting her cry. I couldn't not believe her. She wouldn't
lie, not about something so important, not about this. 

I glanced across at Jacqueline over the top of Astrid's head. She had
stood and was pacing, hands on her hips, a deep frown on her forehead.
I couldn't believe that she was lying, either. She had genuinely
believed that Astrid was guilty. But it seemed too impossible a
coincidence that Graham be killed by somebody else only minutes before
his meeting with Jacqueline. Was one of them lying? Which one? Why? 

Sighing, I rubbed Astrid's back, soothed her quietly as she sobbed.
Time to call Mulder. 
  

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- MULDER - 

Jacqueline had gone when I got home. Said she needed to get back to
Noah and Ebony, Scully had told me, looking grim. 

Erin and Hannah were both awake. Hannah, in Scully's arms, was fussing.
Erin came running and I swung her up, kissing her red curls, her pink
cheek. "Heya, Monkey." 

"Mulder?" Scully indicated our bedroom. She hadn't told me much, just
that something had happened with Jacqueline and Astrid. She hadn't
needed to ask me to come home. The intensity of her tone had spelled
that out. 

I nodded, letting Erin down. Astrid was sitting huddled on the couch
watching TV and Josh had edged out and was standing with his back
against the wall, watching us. 
I crouched down to Erin's height. "How about you build me a big, tall
tower? See how tall you can make it, huh?" 

Her eyes lit up. "Taller dan Daddy!"  

"You think? Well, have a go and then come get me when you're done,
okay?" I gave her a gentle push toward her blocks.  

I patted Astrid lightly on the head as I passed her, then Josh. You
okay, Josh? 

He was silent, his head hung, biting his lip. It'll be okay, Josh.
We'll work this mess out. 
  

Scully had settled with Hannah in the rocker. Hannah had quietened,
gazing wide-eyed up at Scully's face.  

Scully looked up at me. She looked a little tired, her hair falling
across her face, but her eyes were a beautiful, clear blue.  
"Graham was killed today," she said quietly, "just before one pm. Shot
at point-blank range in the parking lot of the Ridgeway Mall.
Jacqueline thought Astrid may have done it and so she told Astrid to
say they were together. Astrid thought Jacqueline had done it and
agreed. They both deny killing him." 

I thought of Astrid, huddled on the couch, forehead in a deep frown,
eyes red from crying. I thought of Jacqueline at dinner the night
before, eyes bright, moving with a nervous energy. 
"You think one of them did it?" 

"I don't know what to think, Mulder. I can't imagine either of them
committing a crime in cold blood, but there aren't really any other
options. And you heard what Astrid said the other night.." 

"Were there any witnesses?" I wondered. "Anybody hear the shot?" 

"Jacqueline hasn't been told much, but they're guessing it was mistaken
for a car backfiring." She drew a breath. "Mulder, if Astrid did
this..." 

I shook my head. I couldn't believe that. "If she says she didn't do
it, we have to trust her, Scully. We have to trust her like we trust
each other. You know that. Otherwise, the suspicion and mistrust alone
will ruin her. She won't cope." 

"I know," Scully agreed, unhappy. 

A cold thought snuck into my mind. "When Josh said the other night," I
said slowly, "that he was scared... What if he knew what she was
planning?" 

"That was before Graham even came back on the scene. She couldn't have
known that things would happen this way." 

I wasn't so sure. Both kids had shown all sorts of ESP abilities,
premonition among them. That time at the school, years ago, Astrid had
known.  

"Jacqueline can protect Astrid," Scully said slowly, "as long as they
say they were together. But if the case comes to trial.. Mulder, we're
talking perjury, for both Jacqueline and Astrid. There has to be
another way." 

I nodded. "Yeah. We have to find the truth." 
  

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- JACQUELINE - 

It was Winter. I knew that, becaues it was cold right to my bones, even
with my flannel pajamas and robe. The floorboards were cold, polished
and smooth under my bare feet. I touched the walls and they were cold,
too, hard and cold like the surface of an egg.  
I could hear the magpies outside, calling to each other. A sheep
bleating in the distance. I could smell bacon frying in the kitchen,
and the smell of coffee and the roses through the window. The radio was
on.  
I reached the end of the hallway and pushed open the bedroom door. He
was stretched out on his back under the covers, asleep. I moved closer,
quiet, not wanting to wake him, but he must have heard me because he
stirred, opening his eyes, and he looked at me. 
"Hey, chikadee." 

He looked so warm and snug, and I stood rubbing my arms, trying to stop
shivering. He pulled the covers back a little, extending an arm.  
"You look cold. C'mere." 

And I shed my robe, climbed up onto the bed, under the covers, and let
him pull me right against him, so warm and cosy and protective. And I
closed my eyes, and I smiled as he whispered sweetly in my ear. 

Then, so suddenly, the covers were kicked off and he pushed me away
from him, and he was yelling, furious, cursing me, kicking me. You keep
away from me, you little bitch! You keep away! 
  

I snapped awake, confused, a little out of breath. I was in my own
room, thank God. Noah's crying had woken me. Graham was gone, gone to
hell just like I'd told him he would... 

I climbed out of bed, sweaty. The nights were still hot. I'd forgotten
to put the air on. 

Noah needed changing. I fixed him up, rocking him back to sleep again,
then went to check on Ebony.  
She was lying spreadeagled on her bed, no covers, just her light summer
pajamas. I moved closer, almost wishing for the same transformation,
that sudden revelation I had felt about Noah. 

What would it take to get through to this little girl? I wondered,
frustrated. I was trying so hard, and I'd keep trying, but it was such
slow progress. She was still like a robot, programmed to understand
instructions, to answer simple questions, but only rarely did I see
life in her eyes. I wanted to change that, but how? 

I went back to my own room slowly, pausing in the doorway to stare at
the big, empty bed. No Grae there, waiting for me, there to make me
warm and feel safe. No Grae there who would yell and hit and make me
ache inside. 
I sighed, going in and climbing back into bed. No more Grae. That was
enough, for now. 
  

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- SCULLY - 

It had taken forever to get Astrid to bed. She was so disturbed by what
had happened, I couldn't help but think that she must have had some
part in it, however innocent.  
Josh had slipped out unnoticed, a habit of his, and was asleep by the
time I checked in on him to say goodnight. Hannah was awake in her
bouncer in our room, watching us. Erin was the problem. I wasn't sure
what had disturbed her; maybe just the tension in the house, and that
our attention was going elsewhere, but she had been crying endlessly,
swapped between Mulder's arms and mine. 

"What if she's ill again?" Mulder wondered, breaking the silence
between us. 

The leukemia? The thought hadn't occurred to me. I shook my head, maybe
a little too quickly. "No. She's just upset." I drew a breath. "It
could just be a virus, I guess, but she hasn't got a temperature...
She's okay, Mulder." 

He nodded, still frowning, readjusting his grip and whispering to hush
her. I smiled slightly as I watched him. He was so tender, so patient.
I snuck in to watch sometimes when he read her bedtime stories, loving
the delight on both their faces as he put on voices and she laughed and
tried to turn the pages. 

Face red-blotched and tear-stained, her curls wet from her tears and
clinging to her face, Erin saw me and reached out tearfully. "Mommy.." 

I took her, watching as Mulder swung his arms to get the blood flowing.
Erin got heavy after a while, small as she still was. 

It took another twenty minutes or so before Erin fell asleep against my
shoulder, arms around my neck. I passed her back to Mulder and he went
to tuck her in while I got Hannah ready for a feed. 

She was always a quick feeder and we were almost done by the time
Mulder got back. I'd discovered the trick to getting Hannah to sleep
quickly - I simply had to hold her against me and she was out within
minutes. It got sweaty, having her so close, but it was infinitely
better than pacing for hours. 

Almost midnight by the time she was put down, and I saw my relief
mirrored in Mulder's eyes as he beckoned me toward him. I went
willingly, pushing him onto his back and straddling him, kissing him
tiredly.  

"I miss you," I murmured. 

He looked sobered. "Yeah. I miss you too." 

I kissed him again, then climbed off him, moving to go prepare for bed.
When I returned he was laying stretched out on his back, looking toward
me. He beckoned me close again, reaching out to me. I climbed up and
lay against him for a few moments, then pulled away. It was too hot a
night to be so close. Instead, I lay on my side and I gazed at him. "I
miss getting away with just the two of us. I miss work." 

He smiled. "You're not missing much. I'm resisting the temptation of
the more dangerous cases until you're available for last minute
rescues." 

That made me smile too. I wriggled a little closer and touched his
cheek. No need for words; he understood. He touched my hand, then
brought it to his lips to kiss the fingertips.  

He released my hand and I settled down, tired. He started stroking my
hair and I sighed, contented. 

"When I was a kid," he murmured, "there was a lake near our holiday
house. On nights like this, we'd go down there to swim. It was so dark,
the water shimmering like oil in the moonlight..." 

I let out an envious sigh, imagining sinking into cool, still water.
"How's a summer vacation sound?" I mused whimsically. "We can leave
tomorrow. Kids'd love it." 

"Nuh, can't take the kids. This lake is for just you and me." 

"Just you and me, huh?" I smiled. "And what makes it so special it's
just for you and me?" 

"We're going to swim together, and hold and touch each other in the
water, and then we're going to make love on the shore." 

I smiled sleepily. "I like the sound of that." 

"Yeah? We'll do that some day, I promise." 

"Promise?" 

"Cross my heart." 

I yawned, struggling to keep my eyes open. "You'd better let me fall
asleep, mister, or I'll be grumpy tomorrow." 

He chuckled softly. "Yes'm." I let my eyes flutter closed but felt a
shadow over me, and his lips lightly on mine.  

"Thanks, Mulder," I murmured, or maybe I was already asleep. I smiled.
Somehow, despite the day's events, my dreams were sweet. 

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- ASTRID - 

It was Friday. Mommy and Daddy said I could stay at home today if I
wanted, but I said no. I had to be with Joshie. I don't think they
understood that. 

Duckie came to see me at school at lunch time - this time for real. She
called me up saying that she wanted to talk to me, and I met her at the
front gate. 

She didn't look like anything had happened. The way she walked and
talked and looked... She was just normal. Even if she hadn't killed
Graham, it just didn't seem fair that she could be acting so normal
when I still felt all shaken and angry and confused. Maybe she was only
acting and all that was on the inside. I didn't know.  

We sat down in an out-of-bounds area near the library, in the shade. It
was a hot day and my uniform was all sticky with sweat. Duckie had on
long grey pants and a white sleeveless shirt with a funny high neck.
She never put her hair back these days with the shorter haircut, but
she had her sunglasses up on her head holding it out of the way. She'd
always copied the way Mommy dressed, I thought, but now it seemed like
she was finding her own style. I liked it. She looked so sophisticated
and grown up. I wondered if she felt sophisticated and grown up.. 

"I know things were a bit of a mess yesterday, Astrid, and I know
there's still a lot of questions and doubts. But I wanted to talk to
you about it, just quickly." 

I nodded, looking at her shoes. They were strappy black ones, with
chunky heels. I liked them, too. They were the sort of thing somebody
her age should wear. Duckie didn't do that many things right for her
age. Of course, most people her age didn't have a little girl and a
baby to take care of... But sometimes I wished Duckie wasn't so much
like Mommy. She was missing out on so much. 

"I didn't kill Graham, Astrid. I'm telling you the truth. I've got no
reason to lie to you. I found him there, dead, like I said. I just need
you to know that." 

"I know," I told her, a little distracted. I knew she wouldn't lie, not
to Mommy or Daddy and not to me. I jush wished that I could tell her...

"Astrid? What's on your mind?" 

I looked up at her. "Do you think they're going to try to arrest you?"
I asked quickly.  

She thought it over honestly. "I think they most likely will. I had
motive, they can't prove that I had a gun but they know I was there.
There aren't any other likely suspects. They just have to rope together
enough circumstantial evidence against me to get to trial." 

"But I gave you an alibi. They can't break that." 

"They'll put you on the stand and you'll have to tell the truth,
Astrid." 

I shook my head. "No, I'll tell them what I already told them." 

"Astrid -" she warned. 

"If I don't give you an alibi then they might put you in prison! If you
didn't do it - and I believe you, because I know you told us the truth
- then we can't let you go to prison." 

"Astrid..." she tried again, and then she sighed. "Most likely it won't
even come to trial. Whoever did do this, they'll be found..." 

"What if it's the wrong person?" I asked slowly. 

"What do you mean, the wrong person?" 

"Somebody who you don't want to be punished for the crime..." 

She was looking at me sharply. "Astrid, if you know -" 

I shook my head. "Forget it. I don't know anything." 

Duckie sighed, still looking at me. "I know what's happened... it's
surreal. I don't know how I'm going to handle it when it sinks in. But
I *know* that God is in control, and whatever happens is His will. I'm
okay with that. Are you?" 

I couldn't nod. I just wasn't sure. It wasn't that I didn't trust God,
it was just that I was afraid what his will was. I just stared at my
school shoes. 

Duckie touched me in the arm. "I have to get back to work. I probably
shouldn't have come at all. I think I've got a policeman tailing me.
But I just had to make sure you knew, Astrid..." 

I nodded. "I know." 

She stood up. "Okay. I'll see you later." 

I watched as she walked away, looking so calm and confident. She was
calm and confident, all right, but it was a funny sort of calm. Joshie
got calm like that sometimes, he just let God handle it all. I tried to
do that, but my stomach just got all knotted up. I couldn't sit back
and just let things happen. 

The bell started to ring. Everybody was going back to class and I
followed them inside and along the corridors, but it was to Josh's room
I was going, not mine. 
He was waiting outside his room for his teacher, standing by himself at
the end of the line. He looked at me and I could see how tense he was,
how he was almost shaking. 

You'll be okay, Joshie, I promised him silently. We're all going to be
okay. God's taking care of us. 

He nodded slightly, his chin trembling. I wanted to hug him but I knew
he didn't want that with the rest of his class right there. You'll be
okay, I told him again, and then I backed away, and watched as he
followed his class inside. 
  

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- SCULLY - 

I was waiting, all day, for something to happen. A call from
Jacqueline, from the school, from the police, from Mulder...  
There was nothing. Erin was better after getting some sleep, too, and
was happy to play by herself while I looked through some cases Mulder
had brought home. I was itching to get back to work. It wasn't enough,
only seeing him when he got home and spending most of our time together
trying to get Hannah or Erin off to sleep, or discussing problems with
Astrid and Josh. I missed just the two of us, bouncing ideas back and
forth like a pro tennis match. I missed hearing his crazy theories and
rolling my eyes and unravelling mental knots. It wasn't that dealing
with the kids wasn't a challenge - far from it. But Mulder and I at
work... it was where I belonged.  

I took Erin and Hannah grocery shopping with me, then picked Astrid and
Josh up from school on my way home. Both Astrid and Josh were silent,
staring out their windows. Erin kept prodding Josh and giggling but he
hardly seemed to notice. We needed to talk to Josh, I thought.  

Mulder was there when we got home, announcing that he'd taken the
afternoon off and we were all going down to the local swimming centre.
Josh and Astrid didn't look particularly enthusiastic - I wondered for
a second if maybe they were even going to say no - but Erin was
delighted by the idea.  

It turned out to be a good idea, though it seemed every other child in
a fifteen mile radius was also there, playing in the outdoor olympic
pool. Astrid seemed happy enough, doing tumbles and handstands and
trying to impress us with all sorts of fancy routines. Josh slipped
into the pool and lapped steadily, freestyle, right up until we left.
After Mommy and Me swimming lessons Erin was almost independent in the
water, floaties around her arms and middle. She loved it. I sat at the
edge of the baby pool with Hannah, keeping an eye on Erin, glancing
over occasionally at the bigger pool where Mulder and Astrid were
having a splashing contest. 

It was a beautiful afternoon. Not just the clear blue sky and cool
water but everything so serene, so peaceful, so ordinary. I felt calm,
relaxed, the problems with Jacqueline pushed from mind. We were just
another family taking time out from the wearing summer heat. 

Mulder took Erin into the Olympic pool with them, he and Astrid
encouraging her in her clumsy, half-mastered stroke. Seeing that after
a while the floaties seemed to hinder more than help he took them off,
letting her swim without them, helping keep her head above water when
she started to sink. I watched, so proud of her, of all three of them. 

Astrid climbed out and took Hannah from me. I slipped into the water
and under. It was cold against my skin, so beautifully refreshing.
Surfacing, I sighed with content.  
A splash and a wet slippery body against me, arms around me neck. Erin
grinned widely, pushing her face against mine. I hugged her tightly,
then let her go. "Show me how you swim, huh? Swim to Daddy." Mulder was
only a few feet away. Erin launched off me with a splash, kicking me in
the process, and pounded the water, dogpaddling across to Mulder. He
caught her and lifted her up out of the water, putting her on his
shoulders. He held her legs and she gripped his hair. He waded across
to me, grinning. One hand still holding on to Erin, he cupped my cheek
with the other one and kissed me. Not just a light kiss, a proper one.
I wasn't expecting it. We'd had too much angst and worry in our lives
lately. The passion had gotten lost. 
He drew away but I pulled him close again, realising how much I'd
missed this, this tenderness and arousal and exquisite joy.  
Mulder pulled back again, and this time I let him. Enough for now. We
could get back to that later. 

Erin was trying to climb down from his shoulders. He tipped her off and
she fell into the water with a splash, surfacing again with a giggle.
He waded back a step. "Can you catch me?" 

She splashed after him, still dogpaddling, but managing to stay afloat.
Then Mulder decided to do some laps and so I took over, letting her
cling to me in the water when she got tired.  
The sun was starting to set when we got out. We'd been swimming for
hours, but even so Erin threw a tantrum when we told her she had to get
out. Managing to get her out of the water, we were heading toward our
towels, where Astrid and Hannah were, when Erin broke away and went
running back toward the pool. She tripped a little over uneven concrete
and went flying into the water head-first with a sizeable splash. We
all broke into a run toward her. She was still under water. Had she hit
her head? Mulder was about to jump in when she surfaced, looking a
little dazed. She looked up at all of us through her stringy wet curls
and grinned a silly, guilty grin. Mulder reached in and pulled her out
silently. He looked angry but I knew it was more grim relief. How
quickly something could have happened.. We'd all let our guards down. 

We were pretty much silent driving back to the apartment. All of us
smelling strongly of chlorine, I sent the kids to shower first, letting
Erin in the shower with Astrid while Josh was in ours. They were in
there for almost half an hour, with the drain plugged up and the
shampoo bottles floating, the bathroom floor flooded. They were playing
battleships, Astrid explained sheepishly. 

Mulder had already jumped in our shower by the time I got Erin dressed.
I wanted to join him, but was reluctant to leave Hannah and Erin to
Josh and Astrid's care, the social worker's questions echoing in my
mind. We did expect the kids to look after Erin and Hannah far more
than we should. They shouldn't have to bear that sort of
responsibility.  

Mulder had suggested we eat out but we'd all been worn out by the heat
of the day and the afternoon's exercise, so we just had some cold
chicken and salad. Some nights after dinner the kids would go down to
the park and play until it got dark, but tonight Astrid and Josh were
withdrawn and only Erin wanted to go. 

Mulder looked at me, eyebrow raised. I shrugged. She still had energy
left - she always did - but if we took her out for half an hour now, we
might just be able to wear her out for bedtime.. 

So Mulder and I headed out with Erin, and Hannah in the stroller. There
was still some warmth in the day, the sky still light, the sun low in
the sky, throwing long shadows. The grass in the park had been recently
mown and the place smelled of summer. Erin ran off to the slide and we
sat on a bench, just watching, listening to the children playing. It
was an amazingly peaceful moment and I was so glad we'd come. I just
wished that Josh and Astrid were there, too. They were both in such
dark, turbulent places. They needed something like this. 

Mulder played some soccer with Erin on the grass, and the two of them
ended up wrestling. I tugged Mulder to his feet. It was starting to get
dark. 

"We should go back." 

We walked back slowly, but I couldn't help a sort of apprehension
simmering inside of me. I wished we hadn't left Josh and Astrid alone.
They needed us to be there. It was an unsettling feeling. What was I
afraid that they had done? 

Nothing. Josh was in his room, and Astrid was stretched out on the
couch in front of the TV, absorbed in a taped episode of NYPD blue. 

"Everything okay while we were gone?" I asked, unable to shake the
apprehension. 

She looked up at me blankly, then shrugged. "It's fine." 

I nodded, my fears still not entirely allayed. "Okay." 
  

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- JACQUELINE - 

There was a cool change coming through. Stepping out of the apartment,
the pleasant breeze, a chilly edge to it, was a welcome surprise. It
was one of those surreal, moonlight nights; cloudy, the streets
deserted. We could have been the only ones left alive. 

Might have been less embarrassing that way. The puppies were yapping
crazily from the moment we let them out of the apartment front door.
Now, out on the street, they were straining at their leashes, their
snuffling noses glued to the ground, tails wagging crazily. First time
out in the big world, with us, anyway. 

I was glad I'd chosen to put Noah in the pack on my back rather than in
the stroller. Though still tiny, the puppies were already strong and I
needed both hands to control them. Ebony reached for the leads with a
whimper and I cautiously let her take one. Give the puppies a month and
they'd be far too strong for Ebony to walk by herself. 

We started to walk. The smaller of the puppies was tugging to go
forward, while the other hung back doggedly, frantically sniffing every
inch of grass or telephone pole he could find.  

"What do you think we should call these two, huh?" I asked Ebony. I
wasn't particularly trying to fill the silence, though I knew I
wouldn't get a response. I was accustomed to Ebony's silence. I even
wondered if I preferred it to the alternative, endless childish
chatter. Noah was fairly silent too, occasionally tugging at my hair,
whining and reaching down for the puppies. He'd start talking more
soon. Maybe it would be good for me to have to deal with that. So much
more *normal*. 

"This little guy's a go getter," I went on casually. I must sound like
a lonely old woman, talking to myself, I knew, but I'd gotten into the
habit of chatting to Ebony. There was always the hope I'd get some sort
of response, a nod or a shake of the head. "Whereas his big brother
likes to take his time, very cautious. A bit dark and moody, too. Bit
like Mr Darcy, huh?" We'd hired Pride and Prejudice on video a few
weeks ago. "What do you say to Darcy and ... what was his name? The one
who ran off with Lydia? The one who had tried to seduce Darcy's younger
sister?" I racked my brains. 

"Wickham," she said, quietly but clearly. 

For a split second I thought I must have misheard, but I dismissed that
idea just as quickly. Ebony had spoken. It was amazing. It was
fantastic! But how should I respond? How would she react if I made a
big deal of it? That might scare her off. No, play it casual. 
"Ah, that's right," I answered smoothly, knowing that somehow only a
second had elapsed. "Darcy and Wickham." 

We kept walking. I glanced across at her, unable to help the grin that
broke out on my face. Ebony was looking down at the puppy. When she
looked up I saw a sort of *relief* on her face. How long had she been
thinking about that first word? I wondered. Had she mulled it over,
when to speak, what to say, or had she just only then taken the plunge,
almost without thinking? Did it matter? She had *talked*. Ebony had
talked! 
Stopping, I gave her an impulsive squeeze. "We're doing good, Ebs." 

I let her go before she could start wriggling or push me off. She
dropped her gaze to the ground, and I wasn't sure if she was proud of
herself, embarrassed, or something else entirely. We kept walking.  

I'd only intended to go around the block but it would have been too
short a walk. I wanted to keep moving. There was something safe in the
empty streets, something about the night that made things simpler,
easier.  

I was almost bursting with the excitement of that first word, with
wonder of what came next. Would they all just start tumbling out or
would she be cautious, maybe a yes or no here or there? It was funny, I
thought - she only needed a simple vocabulary to function. There was so
much unnecessary *talk*, so many people sprouting silly, unimportant
things just because they were able to, because they couldn't stand the
silence. Maybe Ebony was wise in only speaking when necessary.  

We were walking past houses. Some monstrously huge ones, with four or
five garages, ugly square buildings that could have housed everybody in
my apartment block. Then smaller ones, not tiny but in comparison
almost cottage-like, with neatly painted fences.  
I stopped in front of a blue house. I hadn't ever imagined a *blue*
house before, let alone that one could look so effective, but it did.
It set a little back from the street, with a front fence a strip of
lawn and garden and then the long, white verandah, the lines of the
house so smooth, the two stories painted in a light blue with white
trim, and lit by antique carriage lanterns, trees growing around, the
windows huge.  
What caught my attention, though, was a sign staked through the ground
only a few feet away from us. FOR SALE.  

I moved closer, reading the sign. Four bedrooms, two bathrooms, large
backyard and swimming pool. This seemed too perfect. A backyard *and* a
swimming pool, and only a few blocks further to get to work. Ebony
would love it. I could teach Noah how to swim. I could have Dana and
Fox and the kids over. I felt like I'd won the jackpot. 

Jeff Martin, Realtor. I memorised his name and the phone number below.
I'd have to get a real estate agent, I guessed. Aaron would have to
know somebody he could recommend. 

"How would you like to live here, Ebs? It's got a backyard and swimming
pool." 

A shrug. I felt a little disappointed, as if after her last response
she should now be sprouting monologues. I hadn't meant to get my hopes
up. I just hoped now I wouldn't put to much pressure on her to talk.
That wouldn't help. 

Darcy lifted his leg to urinate on the front fence. I smiled, my
spirits restored.  

"I'm going to get us that house, and you can pick whichever bedroom you
want to sleep in, okay?" 

A nod. I nodded. "Yeah. Okay." For tonight, that was enough. We'd made
a start. "Let's go home, huh? It's time for bed." 
  

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- MULDER - 

The kids were all asleep and we were all alone. Well and truly alone;
we'd moved Hannah's crib back into the nursery before the kids had gone
do bed. They'd helped us, exchanging knowing glances as they carried
piles of diapers and all the bits and pieces that had filled half our
bedroom.  

It seemed like forever since we'd made love, and, further spurred on by
the afternoon's encounter, we didn't waste any time getting started.
I'd forgotten how alive her touch made me feel, how amazing it was to
be claimed by this woman, how sweet our whispered words were. We'd
barely begun, though, when she pulled away, stricken. "Mulder, I was
going to talk to Josh tonight. I forgot." 

"Later." I kissed her, trying to get things moving again, but she was
serious. 

"No, Mulder. He's on the verge of a breakdown, and between Erin and
Hannah and what's happened with Jacqui and Astrid, we haven't had the
time for him. But I'm worried. We forget him all the time and that's
dangerous. He's so vulnerable." 

I knew she was right, and I knew the answer even before I asked, "Now?"

She nodded. "I think we'd better." 

We were both still mostly dressed, our clothes just a little rumpled.
Scully was already at the door by the time I climbed off the bed,
straightening my clothes, running hands through my hair. She was right.
We needed to talk to Josh. I just wish she had remembered earlier.. 

He was quiet and still, his bedroom almost pitch-black. I hung back in
the doorway as Scully sat on the edge of the bed. "Josh?" she asked
gently. 

I think we both knew he was awake. How much did he lie here, pretending
to be asleep? I wondered. We'd thought we'd cured the insomnia.. if we
hadn't, why would he pretend we had? There was so much about Josh we
just didn't understand, I thought with quiet despair. His mind was so
enormous but so tangled.  

"Josh?" she asked again, putting her hand on him through the covers.
How could he have the covers up? I wondered. It was still hot inside
the apartment. 

She glanced across at me, mouthing something. 'He's shaking.' I
half-wondered why she bothered to mouth it, when we both knew Josh
could hear her think it.  

"If nothing else, Joshie, I'm just here if you need a hug," she said
gently. "We can't pretend to know what's hurting you at the moment, but
we want to help you. Even if all we can do is give you a hug. Josh?"  

He was shaking so much, I could see the bedclothes moving. Slowly, they
were pushed back and he wriggled out and onto Scully's lap, his eyes
squeezed shut in his tiny, white face. She held him and he started to
cry, those quiet, choking tears that made my chest ache. 

Rubbing his back and kissing the top of his hair, Scully looked across
at me, puzzled. She shrugged gently. I moved over to the bed and sat
beside her, drawing the two of them close to me. You'll be okay, buddy.
You're tough, and tough people get through tough times. Mom and I are
living proof of that. We won't let anything happen to you. We're here,
both of us.  

Arms still around Josh, Scully leaned back against me tiredly for a
moment. This wasn't how tonight was supposed to go. 

I kissed her ear. We've done the right thing, I know we have. Josh
needs us now. You and I can wait. 
  

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- JACQUELINE - 

The weekend passed like a dream. I'd kept my mind off him, somehow.  
We'd stayed at home, mostly - I had known it it was best to keep out of
Fox and Dana's way, to give them and the kids space to work through it
all. We'd all had a difficult week and the last thing they needed was
me butting in. 
I'd worked Saturday morning, then in the afternoon Ebony and I had gone
to see the house over, see the realtor about price and payments, see
the bank about a possible home loan. We took the puppies out for walks,
we played with them, trying to teach them tricks, we did some math and
spelling work, we watched TV together. She hadn't said another word,
though she had started whistling to call the puppies. Noah still wasn't
talking much, either, though he was getting more sure-footed. We'd gone
to church with Aaron on Sunday morning but I hadn't talked to him about
Graham. I had to eventually, I knew. I owed it to him to explain it
all, or as much as I could explain. 

The funeral was midday tomorrow. I sat, gazing at the announcement in
the paper, printed in innocuous black ink, a thousand tiny dots. Who
was organising it all, I wondered. He had no family in the US, not any
particularly close friends. Not legitimate friends that I'd met, at
least. I shivered a little, wondering who his associates had been. No.
I wouldn't go. I shouldn't even have considered it. I was the ex-wife,
under suspicion for his murder. I'd hated him, admitted as much to the
police. I wouldn't be welcomed there by associates or family. 

I closed the paper. There was newsprint on my hands and I across to my
sink to wash it off, scrubbing my fingers clean and then drying them
thoroughly. Better.  

I looked around my office. I had a pile several inches thick of
paperwork I'd ignored over the weekend, but I was too edgy to work on
it. Graham's death was starting - only starting, mind you - to sink in,
and the danger I was in of being arrested for the crime. The niggling
little weight on my shoulders was starting to get heavier. But Ebony
had spoken! And I'd found a house, and that all just felt so *right*.
It was just such a funny combination of feelings, of up and down all in
one.  
I shook myself. I needed to get outside for a while. 

I buzzed Aaron on the intercom. "Busy?" 

"Last appointment just left. Why?" 

"Can we go out for coffee somewhere?" 
  
  

I felt much better when we returned. The weekend weather had been quite
comfortable, product of Friday night's cool change. Today was a little
warmer, more humid, but still nowhere near as bad as it had been. 
Aaron hadn't talked much. He hadn't even asked about Grae's death, just
asked how I was doing. Did he assume that I was guilty, or innocent? I
wondered. He couldn't not know. It had been in the news. I'd been
mentioned, though not by name. I wondered what would happen when they
did name me. How would that affect my work? Would prospective parents
be put off by the thought of an ex-husband-murdering OB-GYN?  

Aaron went back to his office but I went straight to daycare to check
on Noah. Ebony was at home again, but I understood. The puppies were
her responsibility and she took them seriously. It was good for her.
Everybody needed some sort of role, a purpose in their lives. 

Noah toddled right up to me and put his arms up for a hug. I picked him
up, kissing his nose with a smile. My clever, wonderful boy. I felt
forgiven, absolved of those terrible nights of listening to him crying
and hating him because of his father. I was here, now, and I was going
to do whatever it took to give him the very best opportunities.  

Annie caught me as I was going through to my office. "You've got a
visitor, Jacqui." 

"Visitor?" I queried. 

"Suzie Williams. She said she's your sister-in-law." 

I nodded, thanking Annie calmly, though butterflies had sprung up in my
stomach. Suzie? Would she be angry or sympathetic? I wondered.  

I went through into my office. Suzie was sitting there, and she stood
awkwardly when I came in. "Hi, Jacqui." 

Should we hug? I wondered. I couldn't tell if she was angry or not. I
smiled tentatively. "Hi, Suzie." 

I sat down in my chair and so she sat too. She looked apprehensive and
that calmed me a little. She didn't know what to say to me, either. 

"I flew over here to help organise the funeral," she explained
awkwardly, "and pack up all his things. I've only got a week. I had to
leave the kids with Beth and the boys." 

I nodded. How long since I'd seen her? A year? No, less than that, I
thought.  
"I'm sorry about Graham," I said quietly. "I don't know what you've
heard from the police, but -" 

She shook her head. "I don't want to know, Jacqui. I don't.." 

"I didn't kill him, Suzie. I swear that to you. I hated him in the end,
I really did, but I didn't kill him." 

She gazed at me for a while, not looking convinced, but then she
nodded. "Do you have any idea who did, then?" 

I shook my head. "I hadn't talked to him in months. I really didn't
know -" 

"You said once," she said slowly, "that he was involved with dangerous
people. Was it them? Did they kill him? Are we talking about the Mafia
or what, here?" Realising how earnest she sounded, she shook her head.
"I can't believe I asked that. I'm sorry. It's just hard to believe,
that he's dead. He was always so intense and so alive, and..." She
sighed, shaking her head. "You know, this is the first time I've been
in America. He almost lived here and he had this whole other life that
I guess we never knew much about. It's just crazy... When I think of my
brother I see him in Gerrideen in his workboots shovelling hay, you
know? And I saw you sitting at my kitchen table, or on Mum and Dad's
porch in cossies and thongs, watching Ebony ride her bike around the
house." She smiled. "And here you are, so adult and independent,
running your own medical practice, with your own apartment and your own
life, and... I just find it so amazing, the different sides you see of
people. I knew Grae pretty well, but he was my brother. I only saw what
sister's see." 

"He was a complicated man," I answered her quietly, cautiously.  

She nodded. "Yeah. He was." She sighed. "He made you very unhappy,
didn't he?" 

I shrugged. "We were happy in the beginning. Happy enough." 

"I should have known... Should have said something. But I thought you
were different, Jacqueline. I thought you were strong enough to handle
him. You were so determined that he wasn't going to win." 

"He didn't win." 

She gazed at me, doubt in her eyes. "You really didn't have anything to
do with his death?" 

That sort of a death was too good for him, I wanted to answer. But
instead, I just shook my head and said simply, "No." 

I stood. "Noah's in daycare just down the hall, if you want to see
him." 

Suzie smiled. "I'd love to." 
  

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- SCULLY - 

She rang early afternoon, just as I was trying to get Erin down for a
nap. So close, but at the ringing phone she bounced out of bed and ran
to answer it. 

"Mommy's going to answer that," I told her, catching the back of her
t-shirt. "You're going back to bed, right now." 

Mom had dropped through earlier this morning and Mulder had called an
hour or so ago. I knew who it was now. We hadn't seen her all weekend -
she hadn't even called. That had worried me a little. It wasn't easy,
what she was going through. I was concerned how she was coping with it
all. "Jacqui, hi." 

"Dana! Called I.D. or lucky guess?" 

"Lucky guess. You're either two minutes early or ten minutes late. I
almost had Erin down for a nap." 

"Sorry, Dana. I thought I had another ten minutes or so before
downtime. I won't be long, anyway. I just had to tell you that I've
found a great house and I've put a downpayment on it." 

A house? I'd heard her mention moving a couple of times, a house
vaguely once or twice, but it still felt so sudden. Of course, Jacqui
did things suddenly. 

She was going on. "I saw it the other night when Ebony and I took the
puppies for a walk. It's just down the street from the apartment.
Beautiful place, contemporary design, two stories, big backyard, a
swimming pool.. It's perfect. I just have to meet with the bank again
to organise a home loan and we can move in within a matter of weeks!
The owners have already moved out, a couple of months ago, but they've
had somebody in to keep the garden and pool looking good. I tell you
Dana, it's just the perfect house. Big and roomy - not huge, though -
and there's so much light and air. It's all new. New to us, I mean...
You know what I mean?" 

I felt a little doubtful, I little envious. I pushed the latter away
and dealt with the doubt. "Are you sure you want a mortgage to deal
with?" 

"It's okay, I can pay it off in a couple of years. You've got to see
the house, Dana. It's perfect. I can't wait to have you guys over. I'll
buy a barbeque and some pool toys, those blow-up floating games and
everything -" A beep from her intercom. "-Hang on a sec, Dana." 

I was put on hold. I exhaled slowly. Jacqueline was getting on with
life with a vengeance. Did we all keep evolving like she did?
Constantly trying to improve herself, trying to keep things moving, to
make things better.. 

The hold music cut off. "Dana? I've got to go. Apparently a cop car
just pulled up outside. I think this is D-Day..." 
  

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- ASTRID - 

Ebony and Noah were at our place when Josh and I got home from school.
We both knew straight away what had happened. 

I looked at Mommy. "They arrested Duckie, didn't they?" 

She gazed back at me, frowning, and nodded slightly. 

"She didn't do it, Mommy." 

Mommy sighed. "I know." 

"Then we have to help her. We have to figure out how to help her." 

"Right now I just need your help here, Astrid." She gestured to Noah
and Erin playing on the floor, Erin with her blocks and Noah looking
through Erin's pile of toys. "Jacqueline should be able to get bail but
til then we've got a full house. We've left the puppies at Jacqueline's
place with enough food for tonight but they really need somebody there,
and they'll need to be fed tomorrow. Jacqui said they get breakfast,
dinner, and usually snacks between, and they're used to having Ebony
there most of the day-" 

"Why can't Ebony stay there?" 

"Not overnight. And not by herself. Daddy's getting home in a couple of
hours but I just need you and Josh to help out til then. Okay?" 

"I'll help," I told her quietly. "But Joshie's tired." 

She nodded, brushing back a bit of hair that had fallen down in front
of her face. "Yeah. We'll let Joshie out of this one." 
  

Things weren't as uncomfortable as I thought they might have been. Erin
was being pretty good for once and I was looking after her and Noah
while Mommy fixed up the playpen for Noah to sleep in and the couch for
Ebony, and looked after Hannah who was whining a bit.  

Ebony was sitting by herself, like she always did, though this time she
was watching me and Noah and Erin. I wasn't really sure whether to talk
to her or not. I didn't exactly hate her but I didn't really like her
either. She was just strange. I knew it was because she'd been through
a lot and her mom had died and everything but ... I don't know. Duckie
always kinda protected her from us, kept her separate. Now without
Duckie here neither Mommy or I really knew how we were supposed to talk
to her. Joshie would know, but Joshie was so tense and unhappy and I
didn't want to make things any worse for him... 

Daddy got home and Mommy pulled him aside into their bedroom to tell
him what was going on. We'd all been expecting something like this to
happen but it still felt weird to know that Duckie was in jail. I still
couldn't believe, either, that they had been able to get an arrest
warrant on so little evidence. I'd given her an alibi. How were they
going to prove me wrong?  
  

Dinner was spaghetti bolognese so there was plenty to go around, except
that we had to feed Noah as well as watching that Erin didn't get hers
all over the place, and then Hannah was crying because it was time for
her feed. Overall, though, Mom and Daddy did a pretty good job of
handling it all. A two year old, one year old, and a little baby.. And
Ebony. I knew Ebony was my age but she didn't act it. I guess I didn't
really act my age, either, but while I acted older, she acted much
younger. I wonder how much she thought, how smart she was. I couldn't
tell what she was thinking. 

Mommy read Noah and Erin a bedtime story and Ebony sat in the armchair
near them, listening to the story. It looked kinda sweet, Mommy with
Noah cuddled up, sleepy, on one side, and Erin on the other. It was
pretty early - too early for me to go to bed - but when Noah fell
asleep Mommy put him down in the playpen and switched the lights off,
so we couldn't watch TV. Erin was still a little crazy but Daddy took
her into our room and managed to get her to sleep. Josh went back into
his room after dinner, and so it was just me, Mommy, Daddy and Ebony,
and Hannah in the bouncer.  

Mommy and Daddy were silent for a little bit. I could hear Daddy
turning over ideas in his head. There were different games that we used
to play, Mommy and Daddy and me and Josh, but since Ebony didn't
*talk*... They didn't want to scare her, either. If something scared
her she'd just back out of it and get even quieter than ever. And we
didn't want Ebony to feel left out, because she wasn't as smart as the
rest of us.  

We ended up pulling out a version of snakes and ladders that Josh and I
had designed. It was based on Mommy and Daddy's different cases at work
- you get bitten by the flukeman, so you go down, or you stake a
vampire, so you go up. It was pretty easy to play and didn't need much
talking, but we'd only been playing for a bit when Hannah got fussy.
Daddy stopped playing to pace around the apartment with her for a
while, and we tried to keep going but none of us really wanted to. We
packed it up, and there was another one of those uncomfortable pauses
where none of us knew how to act. Mommy suggested that Ebony could
paint or draw if she wanted to, but Ebony shook her head and got a book
from her bag to read instead.  
She curled up on the couch to read that, and Mommy and Daddy, relieved,
went off to do their own things around the apartment. I hung back. I
could go into my room but I couldn't be too noisy or I'd wake Erin. I
couldn't watch TV, I could have gotten online except that Daddy was
connecting his laptop up now. I didn't feel like reading or doing
anything else in particular, but I didn't want to go to bed. It was
only just past eight. It was still just light outside, though inside
the apartment felt dark because the lights were off.  

"Can I go outside?" I asked Daddy. 

He looked at me. He had his glasses on - he didn't wear them much. I
liked them. "Outside where?" 

"Just for a walk." 

"I don't think you should go by yourself, kiddo." 

"Daddy..." I was frustrated. We'd gone out for dinner last night and to
see a movie the night before, but other than that we'd all been at home
all weekend, and I just wanted to *do* something. "There's nothing to
do here! I can't do anything in my room, I can't watch TV... I just
want to go outside for a while, that's all. I'll be careful, you know I
will!" 

He looked at me, serious. "I met a man today. He was being investigated
for the abduction and death of a suspected rapist, a sixteen year old
boy. This man... His ten year old daughter had been raped, in broad
daylight, last week. They live only a few blocks away from here." 

My skin went cold. I felt sick.  

"Careful isn't always enough, Astrid," Daddy said gently, still so
serious. I felt so guilty just for asking, sick at the thought of
something like that happening, but also realising - we hadn't heard
Daddy talk about work for weeks, now. He'd usually tell us about cases
during dinner or after, but now it seemed he was always rushing home,
and Mommy would pull him aside to tell him what had happened, and
they'd both frown, so serious and concerned, and she'd touch his back
and he'd nod and they'd understand each other.. 

"How about you and Mom go for a jog or something?" 

"Why don't you come for a run with me?" 

He shook his head. "Got work to do, kiddo. Ask Mom." 
  

So, Mommy and I went for a jog. Today hadn't been so hot and muggy as
the last couple of days, and the night was much cooler, but we still
got sweaty and tired pretty fast. We started to walk back to the
apartment. 

"Are they really going to put Duckie on trial?" 

"If they've got a strong enough case, they will." 

"She didn't do it." 

"I know we have to believe that, Astrid." 

"But she didn't. I *know* she didn't." 

"What makes you so absolutely certain?" She looked at me. "Astrid, if
you're protecting somebody -" 

Who did she think I was protecting? She didn't know. She just knew that
it wasn't her or Daddy, and she was pretty sure it wasn't me or
Duckie.. 

I shook my head, wishing I hadn't brought it up. I just wasn't sure
what I was supposed to do. "Can we run the rest of the way back? 
  

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- SCULLY - 

Mulder dropped Ebony at Jacqueline's place and then took the kids to
school. I'd been planning on handling the three little ones by myself
but Erin had the beginnings of an earache and I knew she was going to
be a handful. Mom wasn't at home when I called, so I tried Kathy.  

She turned up in under half an hour, by which time Erin was screaming.
The noise had upset Noah and he was crying a little, confused. Unlike
Erin, who would always run to me, Noah just sat in the middle of the
floor, tears running down his chubby cheeks, hiccuping.  

I let Kathy take care of him and fixed Erin some Baby Panadol, hoping
at least to bring her temperature down. It took a while to kick in and
I paced with her, an eye on the clock, knowing Hannah would be getting
hungry soon and I didn't have any bottles ready. We weren't using them,
while I was still at home. I hadn't been away from Hannah for more than
a few hours since she was born, I realised. It was a disconcerting
feeling. I'd missed so much time with Erin. I couldn't undo that. But
Hannah... 

Erin stopped crying but still clung to me, unhappy. Almost on the clock
Hannah started to whine. Kathy bought me a little time, rocking her,
taking her to the window, but it wasn't long before the whimpers became
yells.  

"I can put together some formula?" Kathy suggested. 

I shook my head, trying to disentangle Erin. She whimpered, starting to
cry again. She got so clingy when she got sick, my poor, beautiful
baby. I loved her so absolutely, so desperately. Hannah, the small,
dark bundle.. Compared to Erin, she seemed such a stranger. Erin had
such force of personality, such brightness. She was a little person.
Hannah, though she looked at me a certain way, and though I knew which
cry meant what... I couldn't love her as intensely as I did Erin. I
didn't know who she was, yet.  

I sighed, managing to pry Erin off me and taking Hannah, letting Kathy
deal with Erin's new wave of tears.  

Thank God Hannah was a quick feeder, at least, I thought, as she
finished up, her bright hazel eyes on me. I gazed down at her,
wondering. Would she be as energetic and outgoing as Erin? As emotional
as Astrid? As quiet and intense as Josh? Would she be as clever as any
of them? Or would this child just be... normal? 
  

Kathy got Erin quietened, and put on a video for her and Noah. Erin's
favourite movie - The Little Mermaid. Usually she bounced around,
singing along to the songs, but today she was still quiet. I buckled
Hannah back into the bouncer and as soon as she saw my arms were empty,
Erin reached out to me, whimpering "Mommy.." 

And so I held onto her, stroking her curls. Those whimpers always took
me back to the smell and sounds of hospitals, to that panicky terror,
the refusal to believe that it could be possible that we would lose
her... And watching as she lay, dying. We had lost her, and we'd only
gotten her back by a miracle. She was so overwhelmingly precious, so
special... How could we not favour her, over Hannah, who had been born
to us but could belong to anybody? Erin was ours in every possible way.
How could Hannah compete? How could we be fair? It was already so
difficult, with Josh and Astrid... 
God, *please* just let that little girl be normal, I thought fiercely,
looking over Erin's head at Hannah. We didn't need another
extraordinary child.  
  

The house had been left in a bit of a mess and Kathy started tidying,
but I called her back. I'd only asked for her help with the kids. I
could tidy the place later.  

She settled on the floor beside Noah. He didn't look so conspiciously
alone, now.  

"Have you thought any more about going back to work?" she asked
quietly, glancing up at me.  

I shook my head. To be honest, I hadn't had the time to sit down and
think through a decision. Maybe I was avoiding it a little, too. I knew
that I didn't want to miss any more time with Erin, that I didn't want
to miss being there for Hannah. But I also knew that I had to go back
to work. There was no question about it. I belonged there, with Mulder.
I couldn't give that up.  

"I'm going back," I told her, knowing it was time to say it aloud. "I
just don't know when." 

Kathy nodded, then looked a little embarrassed. "I'll have to put my
charge up, you know, if I'm going to be looking after Hannah as well as
Monkey." 

I nodded. I knew that. One of the reasons why I was avoiding making a
decision about this. Money was one of those things that Mulder and I
inevitably argued about. 

Kathy changed the subject. "The friend you're babysitting for... She's
Dr Jacqueline Moss, isn't she? Arrested yesterday for Graham Bell's
murder?" 

I nodded, reluctant. They'd released Jacqueline's name to the press
after her arrest and the details of the crime and investigations had
been printed in yesterday's newspaper, afternoon edition, third page.
Graham had been wealthy and well-known enough to warrant that. I was
surprised that Kathy had mentioned it, though. She usually did an
admirable job of minding her own business.  

"Do you know... Did she do it?"  

I shook my head. "No." 

"The paper said that he'd been abusive, that's all. I wondered..." She
looked at me. "Sorry, I don't normally ask these sorts of questions.
It's just personal, I guess." 

"Personal?" I echoed curiously. 

"My dad used to beat my mom. One day she hit back, with a baseball bat.
He fell over the stair-rail and was killed." 

It was the first piece of background information she'd ever shared. I
understood now why she'd kept so reserved about the past. "I'm sorry." 

She shook her head. "I was only a kid when it happened. They didn't
prosecute or anything. I just wondered if maybe he'd threatened her. If
it was in self-defense..." 

"She said she didn't do it. We have to believe her." 

Kathy nodded quickly, giving me a wry smile. "I understand. Sorry. I'll
shut up now, huh?" 

I changed the subject and we talked a while longer. Erin was still and
quiet in my arms, but Hannah was getting sleepy and started to yell
again, and Noah was getting hungry. Kathy got Hannah to sleep and then
helped me fix lunch and feed Noah. About one-thirty she got a call on
her cellular and pulled a face.  

"Business meeting. I'd forgotten about that. I've got to run, Dana. You
can manage them for the rest of the afternoon, can't you?" 

I nodded. I'd have to give Erin some more Panadol before it wore off,
but she was a lot easier to handle than I'd thought she would be. Noah
wasn't a very demanding child, either, and the two of them would be
down for a nap, soon.  

I let Erin run around with her half cheese sandwich while I tidied up
after lunch, then I sent her to find us a book to read. She returned
with the new favourite, The Singing Blue Dragon, and I sat again with
Noah and Erin on my lap, reading. Sucking juice from her spill-proof
cup, Erin was quiet, not pushy and demanding like usual, and let Noah
prod at the pages, looking up at me with wide innocent eyes, muttering
in babytalk. He had walked early, I thought. Why was he so slow to
talk? His first birthday was only two days away... What if Jacqui was
denied bail? It wouldn't matter much to Noah, but Jacqui had been
putting so much effort into the kids lately. To miss his first
birthday... 

We finished the book and I left Erin curled up on the couch while I put
Noah down for a nap with a bottle of juice, putting a Beethoven CD on
for him. Then I returned to Erin. 
"Nap time, Monkey." 

Normally she argued, but today she didn't have the energy. She reached
up to me and I swung her up, letting her wrap her arms around my neck
and press her face against my shoulder. I was going to take her into
her room, but instead I carried her into our bedroom, easing myself
down into the rocker with her with a sigh. The refreshed memory of
losing her was still in my mind. I didn't want to let her go, not yet. 

I could hear her snoring quietly against me. Arms still firmly around
her, I leaned back and closed my eyes with a sigh, pushing all thoughts
of favouritism and returning to work and Graham away. She was warm and
soft and strong and alive, and I didn't have to let her go. For the
moment, that was all that mattered. 
  

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- JACQUELINE - 

He came to visit just before my arraignment. "I'll be in the courtroom.
I just wanted to let you know that." 

I thanked him with a wry smile. He looked so concerned, so serious. I
guess maybe I just wasn't letting myself appreciate the real
seriousness of the situation. But I just couldn't believe that they'd
actually take this to trial. I couldn't believe that there was the
possibility I'd spend the rest of my life in prison. It was
inconceiveable. I knew their evidence. Only the world's stupidest jury
would convict anybody on such circumstantial, incoherent, so-called
facts. 

He gazed at me. "Are you doing okay in here?" 

"I'm still in one piece. It's an experience. I think my lawyer thinks
I'm guilty, though. That doesn't seem like such a good sign, huh?" 

"Can I help?" 

"Are you a qualified defense attorney?" I quipped. I don't know why I
was making light of it. It just felt like such a farce.  

I shook myself, trying to sound more serious, for Aaron's benefit.
"Just be there for me. That's all you have to do." 

He nodded. "I'll be praying for you." 

I thanked him quietly, a little sobered by the comment. I'd tried
praying, but hadn't really known where to start. I didn't want to pray
the wrong thing, or for God to twist my words. I didn't want things
more messed up than they already were. Still, somehow, I felt more
strongly than I ever had that God was there. A couple of verses had
been running through my head ever since this had all begun, and I'd
savoured them, loving the fascinating sort of relief they brought. Cast
your anxieties on him because he cares for you. In all things God works
for the good of those who love him... They were so simple, so
clear-cut, and so overwhelmingly comforting. I wasn't worrying because
I didn't need to. God had it all under control. Surely Aaron understood
that.  

Will Abrams, my lawyer, returned, announcing that we were due in court.
I knew he though I was guilty - we'd argued over his wanting me to
plead Guilty to manslaughter on the grounds of abuse, and my insistence
on pleading Not Guilty. He was sympathetic, though. For what I was
paying him, he couldn't have been much else.  

"Gotta go." I gave Aaron a tight smile. We'd know more, soon enough.
"See you in there." 

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- MULDER - 

I came home early again, picking the kids up from school on my way.
Although Scully seemed to have everything under control, she drew me
into a hug the moment I came through the door. Erin was still asleep
but Hannah and Noah were both wide-eyed and awake, Noah toddling around
the apartment, safe from Erin's terrorising energy. 

I don't even know how we started arguing. We were talking first about
Jacqueline, that her arraignment had been at two, wondering if one of
us should have been there to support her. It hadn't really been
possible, though. Scully had needed to be there for the kids, and I'd
had a series of inescapable meetings. It had almost been a relief,
though, having legitimate excuses for not being there... 
Our argument wasn't about Jacqueline, though. Scully told me about the
discussion she and Kathy had had, about Scully returning to work. There
was no real argument, really; we were both just tense, blowing off
steam. She wanted to be back at work and I wanted here there. We were
agreed on that point. But she was reluctant, too, not wanting to miss
Hannah's progress in the way we'd missed Erin's. We'd missed so much
time with Erin and we'd regretted it when she got sick. We should have
learned our lesson from that. But...  
We argued about the money, too. We needed the second income but most of
what Scully earned went to paying Kathy, and if it wasn't going to make
any difference financially then we should do what was best for the
kids. It wouldn't do Erin and Hannah any good to see us only at night
and weekends. It wouldn't help resolve any of Josh and Astrid's
problems... 

It was a stupid, tired argument, neither of us really sure which side
we were fighting, and we walked away from each other unsatisfied and
irritable.  

I went to see the kids. Josh was sitting at his desk, gazing at the
wall ahead of him. It was covered with quotes and passages and pictures
but his gaze was blank, his mind elsewhere.  
"Josh?" 

He was startled. He hadn't realised I was there, though I'd made no
secret about my presence. 

He looked at me for a moment, still a little dazed. Then he frowned.
"You and Mommy shouldn't fight," he said quietly, but tonelessly. He
was still distracted.  

"Things are tense around here. We just needed to blow off some steam." 

"You should apologise," he said in that same, empty way.  

I nodded, a little unnerved by him. I hadn't talked to Josh in daylight
for a while. Our car rides home from school had been silent, and he
hadn't faced me. He disappeared into his bedroom as soon as we got
home, and even during dinner he seemed to succeed in avoiding eye
contact, just staring down at his plate, giving people quick, sidelong
glances. He was getting stranger. Would he get better once all this
Graham business went away? 

I left him there, and went to see Astrid, but she'd locked herself in
her room. Out in the living room, I found Scully slipping on shoes. "I
want to check that Ebony's doing okay," she said shortly. "I'm going to
drive over. Keep an eye on Noah and Hannah, and Erin if she wakes up?" 

"Sure." I nodded, knowing Josh was right. I should apologise. But "I'm
sorry" was never an easy thing to say.  

I watched her go, and picked up Hannah, wanting the contact of her
warm, wriggling body. She stared up at me, her eyes bright and
inquisitive in her tiny face. I smiled at her, pulled some faces. 

The phone rang. I shifted Hannah to one arm and picked it up. It was
Jacqueline. 

"Fox, it's me. I'm out on bail so I'm coming through to pick up Noah.
Ebony's at my place, right?" 

"Yeah." I moved toward the window. Scully's car was out there, but I
couldn't see her.  

"Great. I'll be there in about half an hour." 

She hung up. I saw Scully exit the apartment building and cross the
road. I pushed the window open and yelled, "Scully!" 

She stopped, turned to look up, and held her hands out, 'what?' 

I gestured for her to come back upstairs, then stepped back, closing
the window again. She came back inside, dropping her keys on the hall
table and folding her arms. "What is it, Mulder?" 

"Jacqueline rang. She's been released on bail and she's coming through
to pick up Noah." 

"So the case is going to trial?" 

"Looks like it." 

She nodded, kicking off her shoes, and yawning, tired. I stayed where I
was, a few feet away, and watched. I knew I should apologise for the
fight, though I wasn't sure whose fault it had been. Both of us, I
guess. We'd been tense, but we shouldn't have taken it out on each
other. 

I opened my mouth, but the words were still too hard. Instead, I
reached out a hand to her. She stepped closer, arms closing around me
and Hannah, cheek against my chest. She heaved a sigh. "I know," she
murmured. "It was a stupid fight. This whole thing with Jacqueline is
just getting to us." 

I nodded, not really having any words, and I held her tightly. We'd
work something out. This shadow would pass, sooner or later. 
  

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- ASTRID - 

Duckie took us all out to dinner on Thursday night, to celebrate Noah's
first birthday. It was us, and her and Noah and Ebony, and then Dr
Harrison, too. We weren't at her place, because she'd closed the deal
on the house and they were packing everything in her apartment up to
move, but it was a nice restaurant, big and spacious with sort of
dimmed lighting for people who wanted a romantic meal, but there were
families there, too, and there was a baby who kept crying the whole
time, even louder than Hannah.  
Even though it was a romantic sort of place, Duckie sat down across the
table from Dr Harrison, not beside him. I wasn't sure if they were
going out, or not. I didn't think they were.. they seemed close, but in
a different sort of way I couldn't quite define. Mommy and Daddy, on
the other hand, were sitting close and kept touching each other, the
way they used to. He'd have his arm along the back of her chair, and
she'd touch his knee, and he'd just reach a little and gently run the
backs of his fingers along her arm, up and down. They weren't smiling,
so much. I think they were a little unhappy, still - we all were. But
they were at that stage whether they just needed each other, just
needed to promise each other that the two of them were okay, that they
understood each other. 

Duckie was talking about her trial, saying that her lawyer was going to
try and get it fast-tracked, but that for the moment she was back to
normal. It surprised me, because she seemed happy - not fake happy, but
really, genuinely happy. Maybe she just wasn't thinking about the what
if's. I was. I couldn't get them out of my head. None of us could. But
Duckie... It was Noah's birthday and she was so determined to enjoy
it.  

"Do you really think everything can just go back to normal?" I asked
her when nobody else was listening. 

"We'll try." She smiled. "I guess we'll just have to see." 
  

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- JACQUELINE - 

I did try. I tried at work, to quell the rumours and ignore the curious
glances, brush aside the sudden cancellations. I was honest and open
about it, knowing that if I tried to conceal anything I'd look
suspicious. Some of my patients were supportive, most politely avoided
the issue entirely. If they didn't bring it up, I did, usually by
asking if they'd had any problems getting past the few reporters camped
out on my doorstep.  
I tried just as hard at home, as Ebony and Noah and I moved into our
new blue house, unpacking boxes, arranging the furniture, introducing
Darcy and Wickham to the backyard. Our first day there was stinking
hot. I'd gone to work for the morning and then we'd gone to the house
to keep organising, but the lure of the sparkling blue water was too
much. We'd abandoned the boxes and, not having unpacked clothes yet,
stripped off and swum in underwear. Ebony had swum before, in
Australia, in local pools and the creek in Gerrideen, and there was the
same reluctance in the way she hid on the steps and clung to the side,
in her uneven strokes when I coaxed her into swimming laps with me. It
was a glorious, sunny afternoon, with some native birds chatting and
squarking in the shrubs surrounding us and a dragonfly darting back and
forth over the water. I lay on my back, floating in the water, looking
up at the pure blue of the sky, at the brilliant green of the leaves,
at the vines that grew along the pool fence and up the side of the
house. I felt like a stranger in the house, a visitor, but I knew that
feeling of belonging would come. Right now, I was just excited to
explore it, revel in the idea that it was was *mine*, now.  
  

I had Dana and Fox and the kids over on the weekend. Saturday was a
scorcher, and the kids were in the pool for hours, playing Marco Polo,
racing, diving for  sinker hoops. I'd bought Noah some Lil Swimmers and
took him in, but he didn't like the cold water and it took him almost
twenty minutes to stop whining and frowning. Erin was in the water,
too, splashing around, sitting on Fox or Astrid's shoulders. Dana and I
had both been in, but Hannah had started fussing, hungry, and I'd
realised it was time the rest of us ate as well. 

With work and unpacking, I hadn't found the time to get an outside
barbeque, so I'd gone down to the bakery and the deli to get some cold
meat and fresh bread. I was still making sandwiches when Dana returned,
Hannah fed and content against her shoulder. "Need some help?" 

We set Hannah up in her bouncer on the kitchen counter so that she
could watch us work, and I handed Dana the tomato and lettuce to
prepare. 

"We're a terrible example of twenty-first century gender roles, you
know," I said dryly. "You and me slaving in the kitchen while Fox and
the kids play." 

Dana smiled. "If we left them to feed themselves, they'd go hungry."
She looked out through the kitchen window at where the kids were
playing. "I can't believe you got moved in here so quickly. Just
finding a new apartment took Mulder and I months." 

I shrugged. "I saw this place, it was for sale, I knew I wanted it. I
agreed to pay them what they wanted. I got an agent to do all the messy
work for me, I just signed along the dotted line." 

"I guess money makes a difference," Dana remarked. There was an edge to
her voice that made me wonder. 

I glanced at her. "You and Fox aren't having troubles, are you?" 

"We're fine," she said quickly, shaking her head. Then she sighed.
"Things are a bit tight on just one income," she admitted, gazing down
as she sliced the tomato. 

"But you're going back to work, aren't you?" 

She nodded. "I think so. I want to. It's just that with Hannah, we
can't really afford Kathy..." 

"You could put Erin and Hannah in daycare at the clinic. I've got a
great staff, and at the moment it's only Noah and Amie's twins and
Geoff's daughters when his wife is working. One of my nurses is off on
maternity leave with a little girl a week or so older than Hannah, but
she's coming back in a month or so, part time. They all seem happy with
it." 

Dana looked doubtful. She'd seen the place, I knew. She'd left Erin
there a couple of times, and Erin had loved it.  

"It's state of the art, Dana." 

"I know." From her expression I knew that was the problem. "Jacqueline,
we can't afford -" 

"It's got to be much less than what you were paying Kathy before. I've
got good people working with me and I don't want to lose them, so I
make daycare as convenient and appealing as possible. Funding is
subsidised by our profits."  

She was still frowning. "I don't know. Erin loves Kathy, and I like
having her there when the kids get home. She helps out with errands,
too, and around the apartment.." 

I knew Dana was uncomfortable and I sighed. This was difficult. I just
wanted to help. "Just think about it, huh?"  

She nodded, reaching for an empty plate and heaping the pile of sliced
tomato on it. "I'm done." 
  

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- ASTRID - 

I heard Mom and Dad talking about money again that night after we got
home from Duckie's. They weren't fighting this time, at least, but
didn't sound happy. Mommy was telling Dad about Duckie offering to put
Erin and Hannah in daycare at the Clinic. She didn't sound like she
liked the idea much. I didn't. That would mean Kathy would leave,
wouldn't it? I liked having her around, even if we hadn't seen her much
lately.  

"I just feel more comfortable about them being here, with Kathy," Mommy
was saying. "They're at home, and she's familiar. She takes Erin out
places, for walks and to parks and swimming lessons. Erin's used to the
undivided attention. If we put her in daycare, stuck in one room all
day... she'd go crazy. She'd drive everybody else crazy.." 

Daddy reminded her that they didn't have much choice, that they
couldn't afford Kathy anymore because Hannah was costing so much, then
they both just went quiet and I didn't hear any more. 

I didn't want Kathy to go. Mom and Dad didn't either, and I didn't
think Erin would. But what could we do about it? I thought about that
at night when I was lying in bed but it was too hot to sleep, and I had
the covers kicked off but it didn't make much difference. I thought
about it during church when I went with Mommy and Grandma. Josh hadn't
wanted to come. He'd stayed at home with Daddy and Erin and Hannah.
Josh didn't want to do much at all these days.. 

I had an idea, but I didn't know if it would work. I had to be careful,
too. I didn't want Mommy and Daddy to know, because I knew they'd feel
guilty and wouldn't let me. 
  

They didn't talk about it again all weekend. By Tuesday night, I
figured they'd forgotten it, or at least enough that they didn't see
the connection. 

"Mommy?" She was watching the news and doing the ironing. It was
another hot night and so she had the fan pointed right at her, and her
hair was being whipped all over the place. 

"What is it, Astrid?" 

"Can I get a job?" 

She didn't stop ironing, but she did look at me. "What sort of a job?" 

"Not a paper route or something babyish. A real job, part-time. During
summer vacation." 

"You're not old enough, Astrid." 

"I could act, maybe.. You know I'm good, much better than anybody else
my age, and I could make lots of money. Or maybe I could work in your
office. I could help. Or-" 

Mommy smiled a little. "Astrid, you only get to be nine once. Don't
waste it. You've got the rest of your life to have a job." 

"But I want one *now*, Mommy. I can do it..." But she shook her head
again.  

"You're already too old for your years, Astrid." 

I gave up, knowing there was no point in arguing. But I didn't stop
thinking about it. I had drama class again on Friday afternoon, and I
knew Mr Yancey still worked on movies during summer break, and he had
lots of friends who were actors and directors and casting agents.  

Friday afternoon was a bad time for drama. It was a bad time for any
subject, but by the end of the week we were all tired and didn't have
much energy, and now, the last day of term, everybody was especially
restless because in all our other classes we'd just mucked around. Mr
Yancey was the only teacher I had who was making us do work on the last
day. We were supposed to be working on our scene from The Crucible, but
the rest of my group were just lying around on the carpet talking.
Normally I'd get mad and make them stop being lazy, but today I was
glad for it. I waited til Mr Yancey had finished talking with Sarah and
Marie's group, then I went up to him. 

"You know lots of people who make movies, don't you, Mr Yancey?" 

He smiled. "What's on your mind, Astrid?" 

"Can you help me be an actress? In movies and TV, I mean." 

He didn't look at all surprised by my question, but a little curious. 
"You want to be famous, do you?" 

I shook my head. "I want to make some money." 

He laughed at that. "You're honest, that's for sure." 

"Well?" I asked impatiently. 

He looked thoughtful. "You're an extraordinarily talented girl, Astrid.
You're an amazingly gifted actress. I've never seen anybody take on a
role quite the way you do." He paused. "But you're only young. How old
are you - eight? Nine?" 

I nodded reluctantly, waiting for what came next.  

"It's not a nice business to be in," he went on. "Especially for kids
your age. You've got a bright future, and not just in acting. You can
do whatever you want to do. That's why I don't think it's such a good
idea." 

"But I want to act." 

"But are you willing to pay the price for it? You'd miss months of
school at a time, you'd be away from your family and your friends. I
know how important those things are to you. I don't think you're quite
ready to make that sacrifice." 

He was right. I couldn't bear the thought of being away from Mom and
Dad and Josh and Erin for so long.  

"Think about it. Go home and talk to your parents about it. See what
they think. If you're still keen on the idea, let me know next term and
I'll see what we can arrange." He touched me on the top of my head.
"Now, what's your group up to?" 
  

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- MULDER - 

Another week gone. It felt almost as though momentum was building up,
but to what? The sense of apprehension had us all a little on edge, and
a succession of restless days with no respite from the heat had only
added to the tension. 

Hannah was getting bigger, putting on weight, her cheeks getting
chubby. Everything else, though, seemed to be staying still. The kids'
school term was over but they had both been invited to take part in an
enrichment program at he school for the next two weeks. They'd been
enthusiastic to sign up for it, but didn't seem so happy now as it drew
near and all the other kids were off to camps or summer houses with
their families. Josh was still troubled, Astrid restless, Erin the same
bundle of energy as always. Scully and I hadn't spoken any further
about what would happen when she came back to work, or even when she
was returning, for that matter. It was too touchy a subject; we just
steered clear of it. 

Saturday morning we were all delegated chores. We'd had planned to
visit Mrs Scully in the afternoon, but that had fallen through, and on
an impulse I announced that we were all going out. 

"Where?" Astrid demanded. 

"Mini-golf." 

She and Scully both raised an eyebrow. Scully looked amused. 

It was an interesting afternoon, relaxing despite the competitive
spirit. A summer storm the night before had brought cooler weather and
it was a slow, pleasant afternoon. We were all, I think, glad to be
able to socialise as a family without Jacqueline present.  
We were playing on a water course. Josh seemed hurried, not taking
anywhere near his usual amount of patience or precision. Astrid was
loud and playful, a little excessively so, I noted, wondering if she
was trying to compensate for Josh's ever disturbing oddness. Erin,
running along with a putt taller than her, was genuinely delighted,
particularly with every fountain or artificial pond or river we came
across. She ran ahead every time after her turn, and we found her
crouching by the next body of water, tongue stuck out in earnest
absorption as she gazed into the five-inch depths with wide eyes. 
We could barely pull her away from the thirteen hole. There was a
series of miniature watermills and an elaborate waterfall. Scully
passed Hannah to me and crouched down beside Erin where squatted,
smiling at the wonder and delight on our daughter's face. 

"Look!" Erin cried, pointing an arm and tugging at Scully's shirt with
the other. "Fissee!" 

Scully and I both peered down to see a garish artificial fish bobbing
in the water. 

"You're right, there's a fishie there." Scully hugged Erin against her.
"Look how colourful he is!" 

Erin frowned. "He sick." She sounded distressed. "He no life no more,
jest dead." 

"What makes you say that, sweetie?" 

"Cos he no breathe. Dere's no bubbles. See?" 

Scully glanced up at me, amused and impressed. 'How'd she know that?'
she mouthed. 

I shrugged, readjusting my slipping grip on Hannah. "Astrid and Josh
are way ahead of us, Monkey." 

All thoughts of the fish vanished from mind. Erin scrambled up,
grabbing her putt. "Nooo!" 

Scully caught the back of her sundress before she could catch up with
her siblings. "No running, sweetie." 

She stood, brushing herself off, and we watched as Erin climbed the
steps to the next hole, putt at her side like a hiking stick.  

"She's an amazing kid," I murmured. 

Scully nodded, leaning into my side a little as we watched Erin take a
putt at the next hole. She hit the ball too hard and it flew off the
green into some leafy shrubs. Astrid helped her hunt for it. "Not such
a great golfer, though," Scully added with a smile. Then she sighed,
reaching to touch Hannah's cheek as the baby dozed. Her voice was
quieter, almost worried as she asked, "What's going to happen, Mulder?"

I knew what she meant. She sensed, as I did, that there was a clock
somewhere, ticking slowly but steadily down.  

"I don't know," I admitted, rubbing her side. 

"Me neither." She lay her hand on my chest for a moment, then touched
my cheek and pulled away. "We'd better catch up with the kids." 
  

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- ASTRID - 

Hannah was hungry for her morning feed. I picked her up and paced with
a little bit, waiting for Mommy to hear her crying and come get her,
but she didn't, and Hannah just got more upset, screaming louder and
louder. 

Their bedroom door was closed. I stood right outside, hoping that
they'd hear her - I knew that the walls in the apartment were thick,
but Hannah sounded so loud I was sure the people at the other end of
the hall must be able to hear her.  

I knocked, a little embarrassed that I was being so silly about it. I
didn't hear any movement inside, and nobody opened the door. What if
something had happened to them? What if they were sick or dead, or if
they'd disappeared? I panicked a little, and tried the handle, the door
creaking a bit as I pushed it open. 

They were fast asleep, both of them. Both naked, and sort of covered up
with the bedsheet that was all twisted. They looked so peaceful, both
of them. Daddy was asleep on his back, one arm stretched out, the other
on Mommy's back as she slept almost across him, her cheek against his
chest. I felt more embarrassed than before, but glad, too. They looked
so happy together. Lately they'd both looked sad and tired.  

Hannah started screaming louder than ever and they both stirred,
twitching a little. Mommy rolled off Daddy and onto her back, murmuring
as her eyes fluttered open. She sat up sleepily, looking at me, and
then reached to get her summer robe from the floor, pulling it closed
around her. I passed Hannah over to her and then ducked out of the
room, knowing my face was all red. 
  

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- MULDER - 

It was a pleasant Sunday. No rush to get anywhere, nothing to be
achieved. There had been something carthartic about our night together.
So much tension in the house, arguments, doubt and apprehension, not to
mention mounting frustration at lack of privacy and intimacy.. There
had been a dark desperation to our passion, an almost violent need for
cleansing and renewal. No wonder we'd slept like the dead.  
I stirred awake only after Hannah had fed and was being burped, and
Scully had given me a few seconds to greet my baby girl before sweeping
her away again, robe around her slim figure like royal silk. She
returned only a few moments later, alone and smiling. The door was
closed, the robe shed, and she dropped onto the bed and stretched out
alongside me, tugging the sheet over us both in concession to modesty. 

She was the one who had instigated it, so I let her take charge. Last
night we'd been impatient, even frenzied; this morning was slower,
quieter, more sensual.  

The day was already warm, sunlight filling the room through the sheer
curtains. It didn't take much to break a sweat in this humid summer
weather but despite the dense sweatiness I still held her against me,
waiting for our heartrates and breathing to slow to normal. 
She pulled apart from me a little, but as I pulled myself up on the
pillows she let me draw her closer, her torso and head in the curve of
my body. I wrapped my arms around her from behind, tracing with my
fingertips the curves of her breasts and stomach. 

We were silent. There was no need for words. Everything was expressed
through touch. 

She let out a contented sigh, smiling, but far too soon she pulled
away, climbing off the bed and once again pulling on the robe. "I'm
going to have a shower and see if Josh or Astrid wants to come to
church with me." 

"Scully..." I whined, feeling like a greedy selfish child not yet ready
to relinquish a much-loved toy.  

She smiled widely, but she shook her head. 

I watched her leave, but didn't get up myself yet, instead laying there
a while longer. Somehow, that dark shadow I'd thought we'd rid
ourselves of came creeping back, as foreboding as ever. It seemed to
taunt us, with the existence of a truth soon to be unveiled, something
that I knew would test us, push us, maybe even break us.. No. We
wouldn't let it. We'd struggle and struggle to keep the family
together, and because we'd persevere, we'd have to win.  

I thought of Josh's words, so nondescript in of themselves, so freely
used, but taking on such a prophetic chill when uttered by Josh. "We'll
see.." 
  

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- SCULLY - 

Kathy was over when the kids got home from school Monday afternoon. For
once, I hadn't sent for her - rather, she'd dropped in to visit. She
missed Erin in particular - after caring for her almost full-time since
she was Hannah's age, it was no wonder why.  
Erin greeted Kathy with a shriek and a cuddle. I watched, a little
uneasy, envious. I never liked to think of Erin's affection for Kathy,
too afraid that it would rival that for me, or Mulder. Watching their
interaction now, I felt that dull, frustrating ache inside, that
endless battle within me. I knew I would never be satisfied at home
with the lure of work's challenges and triumphs still in reach, but
also of the wistful envy and heavy guilt that came with leaving now not
only Erin but Hannah too with strangers, seeing them learning and
bonding but not with us.  

Astrid and Josh came through the door, hot and dishevelled after the
busride and walk from a few blocks away. Astrid headed to the freezer
for a popsicle, but Josh, so predictable, went straight to his room. 

Astrid started chatting with Kathy, and Erin was occupied for the
moment. I slipped into Josh's room. 

It was the hottest room in the apartment, small and stuffy. He'd kept
his window closed, and much as I tried to open it up during the day it
always ended up closed tight. 

"Why do you keep the window closed all the time, Josh?" I wondered
curiously. 

Sitting on his bed with his knees up, he shrugged his skinny shoulders.

I went to the window, undoing the latch and starting to put up the
sash. It moved stiffly. 

"No!" The word exploded from him with chilling intensity.  

I stopped, mid-action. "Why not?" 

"I like this better," he said quickly, unconvincingly. 

Gazing at him, I felt my mind run down the same endless, answerless
tracks. Why was he like this? What could we do? Oh God, help us.  

Tell me what's wrong, I pleaded silently, looking at his still, tensed
figure. Tell me, Josh, and I'll try to make it better. 

Oh God. I sighed. Help us. 
  

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- ASTRID - 

I managed to bring up the job issue with Kathy without too much
difficulty. She always talked to me, just chatting about different
things, and she didn't sound surprised when I said I wanted a job. 

She looked at me, thinking it over. "What are you like at HTML?" 

I hadn't expected that at all. I'd been thinking maybe she knew some
families I could babysit for, that she'd recommend me and say how good
I was with kids and babies. 

"That's easy," I told her, adding importantly, "I can program ASP and
java, too." I'd been learning them at school a little, and teaching
myself more at home. 

"How does website maintenance sound? Mainly formatting text data,
configuring some simple scripts, updating pages, testing links -" 

"I'll do it," I said quickly, before she could change her mind and
withdraw the offer. "How much do I get?" 

She smiled. "How about I give you a trial run. I'll start you on ten
bucks an hour, then we'll see. How does that sound?" 

I grinned, so relieved that there was a simple solution, that I didn't
have to go out and away from Mom and Dad or even deal with strangers. 
"When can I start?" 
  

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- JACQUELINE - 

It was funny, all this trial business. My lawyers were all so serious,
so deft and quietly efficient, the essence of decorum and staid
respectability. The media really were like bloodhounds, and it got
tedious dealing with them. The whole thing felt like a dream, really. I
lived at home in our new house, up every morning at sunrise with Ebony
and Noah and the puppies, and I went to work and went out for lunch
with Aaron, and it felt new and yet unchanged.  

The first day in the courtroom was the strangest. Sitting there for
endless hours, conscious of the jury's eyes on me, listening to the
droning of the judge and lawyers. Ironic, really, that despite being at
the very centre of the entire event, I sat mostly thinking of changes
to make to the house, staff changes to the clinic. It wasn't so much
that I didn't care but more that I felt so certainly that I wouldn't be
convicted. The prosecution had barely enough evidence to warrant an
arrest, let alone a trial, or so my lawyers had muttered in disgust. It
seemed true. Listening to the district prosecutor, a tall, thin man of
forty-something with a balding head and bulbous eyes, I wondered if
even they believed the story they were trying to spin together, of an
abused wife scheming the cold-blooded murder of her ex-husband,
obtaining an illegal weapon and planning the meeting with the intention
of shooting him. 

Their witnesses, mostly, had only been to my presence at the crime
scene, and fortunately neither of them had seen my mad dash to call
Astrid. If the prosecutor had laid his hands on that fact, I could have
been in serious trouble. 
After the eyewitnesses, there were two character witnesses, though, who
surprised me; an Ian Elsely and a Michael Price, both supposedly
Graham's co-workers in whom he had confided of my violent temper and
threats. Though their testimony was then quickly and skillfully put to
doubt by Will Abrams, who had a list of his own witnesses testifying to
Graham's dominating, abusive behaviour and my escape from it, from the
marriage, and the energy with which I was dedicating to creating a
better life for myself and the kids. 

It seemed to go on forever, the days endlessly tedious. Only when Will
told me that Astrid would be called as part of the defence did I feel
emotion creeping into the stale proceedings. Astrid? I couldn't let her
lie. But I'd given my statement to the police and she'd corroborated
it. If either of us pulled out now, it made us both look suspicious.. 

Dana and Fox both came to court the day Astrid was to testify, bringing
Josh along as well. The kids were both neatly dressed, Astrid's hair
braided and tied with ribbons. She looked nervous - all four of them
did, tight-lipped and strained. It was after lunch and Fox had come
from work, Dana and the kids from home. Dana was in work clothes,
though I knew she wasn't due to go back for another week or two. She
just needed to look the part. She and Fox each gave Astrid a quick hug.

I gave Astrid a cautious smile, trying to be encouraging, as she went
up to the witness box. She looked so tiny, so small and doll-like as
she was sworn in. They had already briefed her on the legal procedures,
what sort of questioning she'd get. She was being treated with kid
gloves. I was glad, but, seeing that grim resolution on her face, I
wished she didn't have to testify at all. 
  

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- ASTRID - 

It took so much longer than I'd thought. I tried to look polite and pay
attention as they explained to me for the millionth time how important
it was that I tell the truth, that I know the difference between a full
truth and a half-truth. I was so frustrated by the way they treated me
like a child, but I didn't want to correct them, to tell them I'd
understood the concept of equivocation since I was two, because if they
thought I was smart they might then wonder if I was smart enough to
lie. 

They asked me questions, first Duckie's lawyer, then the prosecutor,
who reminded me yet another time how important it was to tell the
truth. In some way I didn't mind that they kept telling me that;
somehow instead of making me feel worse it just became easier to tune
out. I knew what I was doing. Duckie hadn't killed Graham and only I
could make absolutely sure that she didn't go to prison anyway. I
couldn't let Duckie go to prison.  

I looked at her, sitting there in her nice blue shirt with
three-quarter length sleeves, and the black pants and her hair put back
in the clip now that it was long enough. I looked at Mommy and Daddy,
sitting side by side both in work clothes, looking so professional but
watchful, apprehensive. Josh was on the other side of Daddy, looking so
small in comparison, his eyes fixed on the back of the chair in front
of him. He just wanted to curl up and hide. I did a little, too. I drew
a deep breath. I'd done harder things before.  

There were lots of questions - I was the best piece of evidence proving
she was innocent and they were trying to disprove my story. I tried to
be careful answering them, not wanting to implicate or incriminate
Duckie, but they got so boring after a while, the finicky little
details, and I got tired. It got worse too, when I saw that Mommy kept
glancing anxiously at her watch, wondering how much longer they'd keep
asking questions. 

We'd been delayed a bit and it was past time for Hannah's afternoon
feed. Grandma had Erin and Hannah outside. I could see that Mommy was
starting to get stressed about that as well as me and I wished I could
tell her not to stress, that it was okay and it would all be over soon,
but I knew how dishonest I'd feel saying that. 

They ran out of questions, both of them, and I was allowed to go. The
judge banged his gavel and called for a recess. I thought that Mommy
would go to Hannah straight away, but instead she and Daddy both hugged
me close and just held me for a couple of minutes. It made me feel a
little better, but I started shaking as soon as I got down from the
witness box, and couldn't stop.  

I'd committed perjury. What would they do to me if they found out?
Adults went to jail for it. Would they send me to jail for it? They
wouldn't, but would they went me somewhere else just as bad? No, they
couldn't. As long as they didn't find out that I'd been lying, Duckie
and I were both safe... 
  

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- JACQUELINE - 

I found out quite a lot of things I hadn't known, over the next couple
of days. All sorts of interesting information about Graham's business
activities that somehow I'd missed completely. I hadn't realised how
masterful he had been at keeping secrets.  
It was just the icing on the cake, of course. My lawyers had put
forward a strong case for my defence; suggesting alternative suspects
and motives only served to strengthen it. Graham had been knowingly
involved in shady investment deals, had associated with known criminals
with expertise in drugs, counterfeit money, and almost everything else
fraudulent or crooked. He'd been suspected of embezzeling from the
Australian branch of the AI company he'd worked for before quitting and
leaving in disrepute. The execution-style shooting, they argued, was
far more likely the work of criminals than of an abused ex-wife. 
  

Closing arguments were heard on a Thursday morning. The jury retired
for lunch and deliberations and were back by one-thirty. My heart
pounding like a jackhammer, I wondered how I would have survived the
trial had I allowed myself to experience the fear and emotions of the
whole experience.  
  

I was acquitted completely. The relief was greatest in that it slowed
my pounding heart. Otherwise, it seemed almost an anti-climax, the
predictable end of a plodding plot. At least, though, I was free of
this tedious courtroom. 

"Stevie's going to be put out no end by this," Will remarked, watching
the public prosecutor stand stiffly in defeat. "He was the one pushing
this case all along. Most would have dropped it but he didn't want to
let it go. He wanted a conviction." 

"Did he care that I didn't do it?" I wondered. 

Will shrugged. "Doesn't matter any more." 

I smiled, a little amused. I knew Will Abrams still thought I'd done
it. He had fought my defense flawlessly, passionately, but he'd felt,
deep down, that I was guilty. 
"I didn't do it, you know," I told him, almost enjoying the thought of
him mulling it over for years to come. I had no reason to lie, now, and
he knew that.  

For the moment, he brushed it off, offered to take me for a celebratory
lunch. I shook my head. Dana and the kids were waiting a few rows back.
I wanted to talk to them, and I wanted to get back to Ebony and Noah
and Aaron and to my work. 

I talked to Dana and Astrid and Josh for a few minutes but then left
before them, knowing that there were dozens of reporters lying in wait,
not wanting the kids to get caught in that. 

I didn't get to the office til almost four. I hadn't been there for
days and I knew my messages would be piling up, but I stopped in first
in daycare. Noah saw me, reaching with outstretched arms. I lifted him
up, holding his strong, warm body close, breathing him in. He didn't
struggle to be let go, and so I swung him up onto my shoulders,
gripping his little chubby legs tightly, not caring that he threw my
sunglasses to the ground in order to get a better grip on my hair.  
I took him with me along the corridor, past the reception desk, and I
knocked on Aaron's door.  

He'd offered to postpone appointments or get in a temp until the trial
was over, so that he could come support me, but I'd insisted he stay at
work, running the place in my absence. He rose as I pushed the door
open and stood in the doorway, my little boy on my shoulders. He must
have seen victory, or at least relief, in my face, because he smiled. 

"They made the right decision."  

I shrugged, feeling so extraordinarily relaxed about the whole thing.
Maybe if I'd been found guilty the whole thing would have come tumbling
down like a ton of bricks, but I still felt as though the whole thing
had been nothing but a long, winding dream I'd been carried through.  

"You going home, now? See Ebony?"  

I shook my head. "No, I've spent every free moment at home with the
kids. I should really catch up on my messages." 

He smiled. "That's dedication to the job." 

I smiled back. "You forget - I'm supposed to be running this place." I
shifted Noah on my shoulders as it felt like he was starting to slip.
"I won't be long. Just need to get things under control." 

He nodded. "Well, congratulations, anyway. Take it easy for the next
couple of days." 

I moved along the corridor to my own office, almost skipping, Noah
bouncing on my shoulders. Only half an hour or so then we'd head home,
go for a swim if it was still hot enough outside, take the puppies for
a walk when it got cooler. Despite the large yard to explore and dig
up, they still went crazy at every opportunity to explore the outside
world.  

I sat at my desk with Noah on my lap, one arm around his chubby body as
I played my answering machine, started my e-mail downloading, and
rifled through the contents of my inbox. Though nothing seemed
particularly important, it would take forever to get through. I started
sorting; if I could at least get the most urgent things taken care of,
I'd feel responsible again. 

Noah was trying to wriggle away. I let him go and he crouched down
beside my wastepaper basket, tipping it over. With my absence there was
nothing in it, which seemed to disappoint him a little, but then he
discovered that it rolled and he pushed it across the floor until it
hit the wall. No delighted giggles, and not even a smile now, just
sober curiosity. I sighed, wishing that I could just hear him laugh
once.  

"Noah?" I called across to him, gently. 

He looked up at me with bright eyes, so clever. Getting to his feet, he
abandoned the wastepaper basket and toddled over to me, climbing back
up onto my lap and snuggling against me with a string of incoherent
baby words. Putting my arms around him, I smiled.  

I lifted him higher and he wrapped his arms around my neck. I stood,
getting my handbag. There was plenty of time for work, later. No real
urgency to it, or to anything else, either. It was all under control.
Time to enjoy my freedom. 
  

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- SCULLY - 

The cloud hadn't passed, even with Jacqueline's aquittal. If anything
it only seemed to get darker and heavier, every second closer to
bursting its seams and drowning us all. 

Jacqueline was back at work after the trial, though even that hadn't
really seemed to touch her. Graham's death had been a weight lifted
from her shoulders - in all that had followed she'd seemed so
untouchable, so uncharacteristically serene and peaceful, as if she'd
known she would be released. Somehow, it was as if the whole
proceedings hadn't mattered, almost hadn't happened. She was wrapped up
in her new house and her work and family and enjoying her life more
than I'd ever seen before, not wistful or envious just beneath the
surface but genuinely content. How long would that last? I wondered as
I thought of her playing with Noah and Ebony and the puppies in their
yard. How long until something new threatened that? There was no way to
tell. 

We'd been trying to get on with life, too, but still there seemed
something holding us back, some dark weight. The heat still persisted,
sapping at our spirits. The kids were on summer vacation, and Astrid
was constantly begging go to Jacqueline's place to swim, sometimes even
staying there overnight so that she could swim early the next
morning.   
I'd postponed going back to work until we could resolve the situation,
not wanting to complicate things any further. It was just so difficult,
knowing that something was so badly wrong but not knowing what, or how
to fix it.  

We hadn't heard of any progress in the investigation in weeks, and we
all knew it could be months or even years before Graham's killer was
found. Somehow, we all knew that this uneasy anxiety was there until
that end, and it felt like a life sentence.  

The two younger ones seemed oblivious to it. Hannah just kept getting
bigger and bigger, and Erin all the more clever and stubborn and
beautiful. But the rest of us...  

Astrid, despite her energy and enthusiasm for swimming and summer
activites, seemed distracted and defensive. That old possessive
protection of Josh was back in full force when we tried to talk to him,
but at times she too seemed frustrated by his silence, pleading with
him to talk to us. Josh was so tense, jumpy, silent. He stayed in his
room almost all day, and barely even helped with Erin and Hannah. We
took him to the pediatrician to have him checked, though in our hearts
we all knew that the problem was not a physical one. Mulder and I
argued over putting him in therapy, knowing that the chances of getting
him to talk to a stranger were minimal. So we let him go, and we
worried silently.  
  

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- MULDER - 

Mid-August. It was a Wednesday night, a vicious stormy night, and
though still early in the evening, with the dark outside it felt later.
We had the TV on, the news, as Scully played with Erin on the floor and
I sat working on a case, documents and photographs spread across the
table. 

"Mulder!" Scully reached for the TV, bumping the volume up several
notches. They were talking about Graham. Two of his co-workers had been
arrested in relation to his death.  

I called for Astrid and Josh, knowing that they would want to hear
this. Both of them had been following the case closely, searching
newspapers and online for any mentioned developments.  

Astrid came running but by the time she arrived the report had
finished. Scully and I recounted it for her, and her face, guarded as
it was these days, tensed, her eyes widening in panic. Without saying
another word she backed up and left the room.  

Scully and I exchanged glances, unsettled by her reaction. Astrid knew
something about the murder, she had all along. What did that tense
panic mean? 

Scully stood, leaving Erin and Hannah, and followed. "Astrid!" 

Erin ran after her. I picked up Hannah and followed them not to
Astrid's room, but to Josh's. 

He was gone. We stood there in silence, the pieces falling into place.
It became, in an instant, so starkly obvious, so clear. Josh's nervous
apprehension, that sorrowful acceptance of his task, the absolute
belief that he was the one to be sacrificed. His quiet, desperate grief
at his own loss of innocence, his self-punishment, his withdrawal, his
dark, private hell. At long last, we knew Josh's secret. And it was
horrifying. 

"Josh...?" Scully couldn't finish the question. She put a hand to her
mouth, stunned, not wanting to believe that our wise, haunted Josh had
done such a thing, that he had lived with that secret for almost two
months, now.  

"Daddy!" Erin tugged at my hand, wanting to be lifted up. I ignored her
for the moment, feeling that strange, motionless calm. Josh. Josh.
Josh... Why? 

Astrid was crying, loud sobs escaping her. "I couldn't tell. I don't
want Joshie to go to prison.." 

Scully drew Astrid against her side, silently, her eyes slowly scanning
the dark bedroom. The bed was neatly made, not a crease in sight. All
his bible verses and poems and pictures were still neatly taped to the
walls all over the room. His school books were all packed away, piled
neatly by his desk. Everything on his shelves was straight and neat, as
perfect as ever, maybe even more so. His desk was barren other than a
small pile of spiral-bound notebooks. His treasured Parker pen lay
neatly beside the pile. 

I moved forward, afraid almost to touch anything, to destroy how Josh
had left things. I flipped open the top notebook, and flicked through
the pages. Josh's diary. A pile of six or seven; every written thought
of the past five years. Where had he gone? 
I flipped the pages of the most recent one. He'd filled it almost to
the end, the last pages all in tiny cramped writing, endless streams of
words. I read some of it silently, frightened by the dark intensity,
the terrible poetic words.  
Grinding, tugging, drowning. It's so dark I can hardly see. It's
endless, suffocating, eating away at my soul. Can't look in the mirror
anymore. It hurts, inside. Aches and burns and I feel so old, so
tired.. 

My heart pounded in apprehension as I went back a few pages, finding
the entry neatly marked Tuesday June 23. I expected to find the same
pouring out of emotion but instead there was a single paragraph, a
verse from the bible.  

"My father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not
as I will, but as you will." 

I showed Scully silently. She looked up at the wall above Josh's desk,
where several dozen verses were pinned up. She pointed. "Matthew
twenty-six thirty-nine. Jesus spoke those words the night before he was
crucified." She looked around, troubled. "His bible's gone, and his
school backpack. That's all that I can see missing." 

"He thought that this was his calling," I said softly, now
understanding the why. Josh, so clever, so dedicated to his family and
his God... but had he misunderstood? No loving god would give such a
young, vulnerable child such a burden. Had Josh read too deep between
the lines, taken this too much to heart? Or had he just felt with such
intense loyalty a responsibilty to protect Jacqueline and protect us,
that his god had allowed him to give himself as a sacrifice? I didn't
understand. Maybe I never would understand this obedience, this trust
in a higher power.  

"Where did I go?" I wondered aloud, chilled. We had to find him,
reassure him, hold him... I knew, though, that Josh's wounds were too
deep now for even us to heal. He was untouchable in the same way that
Jacqueline had been in that courtroom, but, unlike Jacqueline, he was
weighed down with repentence and grief, irrevocably stained with the
guilt. We couldn't help him with that. His emotional and intellectual
makeup was so complex, we were next to useless. Only God could give him
peace. 

I answered my own question with grim realisation. "He's gone to take
responsibility for his actions." 
  

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- SCULLY - 

We were still standing in Josh's room, our minds running in endless
circles, when the phone rang. It was loud and we both jumped. My heard
was pounding all the more crazily as I prised Astrid off me and ran to
it, wondering as I ran. Where had Josh gone? Had he hurt himself? Had
he done something to punish himself? 

It was a police detective, James Cooper. Josh had walked into the
station, trembling and sopping wet, to give himself up for the murder
of Graham Bell. 

Mulder had picked up the other line and listened in. By the time the
detective had hung up we both knew what we were doing. 

Astrid started crying again when we told her we were leaving her with
Erin and Hannah. After weeks of keeping Josh's secret it was no wonder
she was shaken, but there was no time to deal with her. Hannah was
thrust into her arms, we told her to stay by the phone and we left. 

It was quiet and dreary in the precinct. We were greeted and drawn
aside by Detective Cooper, who told us more details. Josh had walked in
and asked to speak to somebody about Graham's murder. Passed off to a
junior officer, he'd unzipped his backpack and laid down a Smith and
Wesson, explaining quietly and simply how he had slipped out of school,
found Graham in the parking lot, shot him, and returned to school.
Needless to say nobody had any clue how to handle a seven year old
confessing to murder. 

We were shown into see Josh. He was sitting in an office, huddling in a
blanket. His face was strained white, his hair wet and dark, sticking
to his forehead. His eyes were huge. I could see that only with every
last piece of self-control was he holding himself together. 

I went forward and picked him up, blanket and all, hugging him against
me the way I held Erin, but only when she'd been dying had I held Erin
with such unwavering committed ferocity. And after months of private
torment, Josh could hold it in no longer. He cried, with that same
agonising, adult grief that I'd marvelled at so many years ago when
he'd lost Jacqueline. The tears rushed out of him like water through a
collapsing dam, and he clung to me so tightly I think I ceased to
breathe. Josh, my little boy, we've failed you. It was all I could
think. We'd let him down.  

Mulder enveloped us both from the other side, and Josh, so tiny and
vulnerable and always *forgotten*, was sandwiched between us, his
wracking, heaving sobs felt through our own bodies. How could we not
have seen the reason for his behaviour? How could we have been so
blind? There must have been so many signs and clues along the way. We'd
thought of Astrid, always so passionate and emotional, but not once had
we even thought to consider quiet, loyal Josh, who had heard what
Astrid had heard and seen what she had seen, been just as capable of
slipping away from school and killing a man. It should have been so
obvious. It had been a clean, controlled crime, committed not out of
anger or revenge but out of painful necessity, duty. Graham had
threatened to destroy all of us. Josh had taken on for us the role of
protector, giving himself rather than losing any one of us. Oh, Josh.. 

And his grief, I knew, was not so great because he had taken life, but
of the consequences he'd known lay ahead, that he could only save his
family if he forfeited the right to be a part of it. What frightening
courage and loyalty he had, too overwhelming to comprehend.  
  

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- MULDER - 

Scully sat with him on her lap, rocking his blanketed frame back and
forth like she did with Hannah or Erin. What would they do with this
little boy, who had knowingly taken a life? For Josh had not understood
only his action but the consequences of it, for others and for
himself.  

He was still crying, painful, snuffling little sobs. Scully was
whispering to him, singing a little lullaby she sometimes sang to
Hannah. Though not related by blood, he and Scully were so similar.
They kept things bottled up, not wanting to lay the burden on anybody
else, trying only to be strong but not realising how frustrating and
even dangerous it was, both to themselves and those around them. 

I knew what Josh was afraid of. And I knew that regardless of what
happened, if he was put in a juvenile detention centre or in some sort
of psychiatric facility, we wouldn't let that happen. We wouldn't let
him lose us. 

Scully looked up at me, guilt and pain in those beautiful blue eyes.
How could we have missed this? they demanded. How could we have not
noticed what our little boy was going through? We should have known. 

His crying was stopping. He sat, so still in her arms, face buried in
the blankets, as if he had tired and given up. He had given up. The
news of the arrests had only spurred him to the inevitable action of
giving himself up. For Josh would never let another suffer for his own
actions. That was why Astrid had been so determined to testify on
Jacqueline's behalf, to ensure Jacqueline's release. Astrid had known
of Josh's guilt, maybe since the beginning. She'd understood why, and
she'd protected him.   

Scully eased back the blankets a little to stroke the side of his face.
He turned his head and looked at me, more directly than he'd met my
gaze in months. There as a sort of sad resignation in his eyes. "At
least I know now." 

I moved a little closer to hear him better. "What do you know, now?" 

"Why I'm here." He turned his face away, burrowing against Scully
again, still and silent once more. I met Scully's eyes slowly,
understanding Josh with astounding clarity. An amazing little boy, his
mind constantly afire with burning questions and fears, more knowledge
and wisdom than most people knew in a lifetime. Knowing all along that
he was special, created, engineered, but never knowing for what. Now he
knew. He'd found a purpose.  

We sat in silence for I don't know how long. It was like a dream, the
neat room with its linoleum floor, the rain dripping against the window
panes, the overhead lights flicking slightly every time it thundered.
Outside but far away, the voices of officers on night shift.  

A knock on the door. Scully and I both turned to look, but only I stood
and followed the detective out into the corridor, closing the door to
the office after us. 

"We ran a preliminary ballistics test on the gun. It's not a match." 

That was the last thing I'd expected. "Are you sure?" 

"Ran it twice. It's not the gun that was used to shoot Graham Bell.
Still fully loaded." He shrugged. "Maybe your kid just dreamed the
whole thing up." 

"So you're not going to hold him?" 

"Nope. We're confiscating the weapon and we'll need a statement how he
got his hands on it, but for now the kid's free to go. I'd see about
getting him some counselling though, if I were you." 

And that was it. I went back into the office in a daze, meeting
Scully's sharp, worried gaze. Well? 

"The weapon Josh brought in isn't the one that was used to shoot
Graham."  

She frowned. "But-" The protest died on her lips. She shook her head
and shrugged. "So Josh is free to go?" 

I half-shrugged, half-nodded. Josh, tired and defeated, was staring at
me blankly. Too much to take in, maybe.  

"You're off the hook, Josh. Ballistics says you didn't do it." 

His wide eyes started to look a little less lost. "But I did." 

And we believed him, we did. Josh didn't make these things up, couldn't
have simply fabricated his part in the event. We knew that for certain.
But what, then, did this mean? By whose hand was he free? 

"Mulder?" Scully raised an eyebrow, indicating for me to take Josh off
her lap. Though so big compared to Erin and Hannah, he was still a tiny
boy for seven, and he felt it, so small and fragile and vulnerable but
with an amazing strength and resolve.  
  

He was asleep by the time we left the building. Exhausted by the strain
of holding it all in, and the torrent of emotions finally spilled. So
afraid, so alone, so guilty.. We couldn't let him suffer those things
again. We had to take more care of Josh, give him time even when we had
none for ourselves. We didn't want to lose him, or for him to feel
lost. 
  

     - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- SCULLY - 

Astrid was on the couch with the TV on when we got home. Hannah had
been put to bed and Erin had fallen asleep curled up against Astrid,
hugged tightly like the teddy bear she'd long abandoned.  
She wriggled out from around Erin and ran toward us as we let ourselves
in the apartment, a sort of terrified apprehension on her pale face,
confusion when she saw Josh, asleep in Mulder's arms. "You brought him
back?" 

"The weapon didn't match," Mulder said quietly, taking Josh past her
into his bedroom.  

Astrid followed him, anxious. I followed both of them.  

"What do you mean, it didn't match?" Astrid demanded.  

"They say that it wasn't the gun used to shoot Graham." 

"But it was! Joshie wouldn't lie. I know that it was..." 

She'd known all along. "You should have told us, Astrid." 

She sniffed. "It was his secret. He trusted me not to tell you. He
didn't want you to know." 

"Why not?" 

"Because he was afraid you'd be angry, or tell somebody. And I didn't
want him to get in trouble... I though it would be okay once Duckie was
aquitted, because they weren't considering us as suspects any more. I'm
sorry. Please don't be mad.." 
  

We calmed her, soothed, dried her tears and managed to coax her into
going to bed. She too was exhausted by the drive to keep the secret,
though she had been hiding on the outside with every aspect of
normality and energy, while Josh hid on the inside, retreating into his
mind, in the dark silence of his bedroom. 

I sent Mulder to put Erin to bed and checked on Hannah. She'd be awake
in an hour or so for a feed, but til then was sleeping soundly. 

We met up again in the dark hallway. Tired, I sank to the carpeted
floor with my back against the wall, leaning my head back and staring
at the ceiling as Mulder sank down beside me. 

"I just can't believe we never saw it." 

"I know." 

"I can't believe any of it, really. Poor Josh... How do we help him,
Mulder?" 

He shrugged, tired. "We'll work something out." 

I closed my eyes with a sigh, letting my head rest against his
shoulder. "It was Jacqueline's gun, wasn't it? She lied under oath
about that. What's Josh going to say to the police about where he got
it? You know he won't implicate her." 

"We'll work something out," he answered again. He slipped an arm around
my shoulder and I wriggled closer, sliding an arm around the small of
his back.  

I opened my eyes again, gazing at the shadows dancing on the wall ahead
of us. An extraordinary flood of warm relief soaked through me and I
sighed. The shadow had dissolved and slipped away, and the sun, pure
and strong and free, was shining down on us. 
"It's over," I murmured, so relieved that I smiled, albeit sadly. Josh
would need a tremendous amount of support and help, and Astrid too, on
top of what she already needed. These wounds weren't going to heal over
quickly, not with the depth they reached and the kids' long memories.
But they would heal, eventually.  

Mulder tugged me a little closer, dropping a kiss on my forehead of
comfort, understanding, affection. I smiled, contented. "You know," I
murmured. "About that book you were going to write..." 

He laughed aloud at the absurdity of it, the timing. "What, you think
it's a good idea, now?" 

"I could go back to work and you could write at home. That way we'd
still have one full income and not have to make any decision yet about
whether we're getting Kathy back or not. What do you think?" 

"Interesting," he conceded. "But can you seriously tell me you think I
could get work done with Erin and Hannah around all day?" 

I smiled, a picture developing in my mind of him sitting typing
one-handed, trying to change a diaper with the other. "It was just a
thought." 

He chuckled again, probably conjuring up a similar image in his own
mind. "I'll think about it." 

He hugged me against him again, so warm and firm. My rock. For the
moment, that was more than enough. 

We sat together in the dark, in silence, and we watched the shadows
play. 
  

fin.