TITLE:  The Genesis Project III 
AUTHOR:  aRcaDIaNFall$ 
FEEDBACK:  as always, is welcomed, cherished and framed at
arcadianfalls@yahoo.com.au. 
RATING:  PG-13 
SPOILERS: Fight the Future. Nothing that's going to kill you. 
CLASSIFICATION: SRA 
DISTRIBUTION: Ask me first, please. I'll send to Gossamer myself. :) 
SUMMARY: Sequel to the sequel of The Genesis Project! What happens when
you have everything you've wished for? 
DISCLAIMER:  I'll give you a lil hint: Any characters you recognise
from TV are property of the FOX network and I'm just borrowing them.  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This fic swaps character POVs every part.  
  

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The Genesis Project III 
by aRcaDIaNFall$  

- MULDER POV - 

I don't know if I'd ever seen such a more pessimistic play. Not that I
often visit the theatre; to be honest, I saw more plays and operas when
I was at school in Oxford than I have in all the years since. Studying
Miller's 'The Crucible' at school was a fond memory, and watching the
movie on TV with Scully's arms wrapped around me an even fonder one,
but this play by the same author lacked, in my mind, any real emotional
punch, failed to evoke any emotions other than a sense of the utter
futility of life. In other words, I was bored. I was itching to get out
of the small theatre and run for the nearest baseball field or
baseketball court. I've always been an active guy, and sitting still
for a long period of time is something I can manage only if I'm able to
lose myself in whatever I'm focused on. 
Scully, on the other hand, was completely immersed, absolutely
fascinated. Her gaze was locked on the stage, the compassion masked but
visible to my well trained eye. Astrid, on the other hand, made no
attempt to disguise her fascination as she watched, rapt. I could see
the tears forming in her eyes as the play came to a close and I was
almost envious that a seven year old had managed to see the beauty
where I had failed. But I could hardly complain; she had been the one
who had pleaded to come. 
She was standing on her chair, clapping, as the actors took their bows
and the curtain fell. As the lights began to flicker back on she
exploded in an excited, rambling critique, bouncing up and down on her
seat. 

Scully smiled indulgently. "Don't jump on the seat, Astrid," she
admonished, holding out a hand. Astrid obeyed immediately, taking the
hand and jumping to the ground without so much as a pause for breath.  
She was talking so excitedly that it was virtually impossible to catch
more than just a random word or phrase, but she didn't seem to mind
that we were barely listening to her. She was off in a world of her
own. 

We began to weave our way out of the theatre, but the foyer was crowded
as people waited for the elevator down to the parking garage. 
Scully was holding Astrid's hand firmly and I turned back to catch
Josh's, but the throng of people were pressing against me. I felt like
I was in a trash compacter. And there was no sight of Josh.  

I tapped Scully's shoulder. "Wait here, 'kay? I've lost Josh." 

There was fleeting look of panic in her eyes but then she relaxed a
little. Even though instinctive paranoia was often the first reaction,
we'd both gained a good deal of common sense. Losing either or both of
the kids happened often enough, given their insatiable curiousity and
Astrid's stubbornness. "We won't be going anywhere in a hurry." 

I pushed back through the crowd; everybody was pushing their way toward
the elevators and half of the large foyer was virtually empty. A few
people were leaning lazily against the walls between the artificial
ferns. I spotted Josh standing just outside the exit, a young blonde
woman kneeling down beside him as he pressed his sleeve against his
face.  

"Hey, buddy, I lost you for a minute." I kneeled down on the other side
of Josh, checking him over visually before glancing across at the young
woman.  

"He looked lost. I guess he got kinda squished in the crowd," she
explained, rising to her feet and dusting off the knees of a black
skirt. My eyes travelled over her figure out of habit, but it held
little interest for me. No woman these days could compare to the
incredible glow that surrounded Scully.  
"This place is terribly designed," she added, smiling at me.  

I returned the smile briefly, turning back to Josh, pulling his hand
away from his face as I produced a handkerchief and began to mop up the
blood trickling from his nose. I took his hand and cleaned as much
blood away as I could, then clamped his fingers over the bridge of his
nose. "Just hold it there like last time, okay, kiddo?"  
He nodded, his eyes wide with fear, fingers in a pincergrip. 
I turned back to thank the blonde but she'd vanished into the crowd of
people, most probably, I assumed, when Astrid materialised behind me,
Scully in tow. 

"Another one?" was Scully's first comment. Her tone was casual to calm
Josh as much as possible, but I knew how concerned she was becoming
about the increasingly often-occuring nosebleeds. She knelt down beside
Josh, tipping his chin up a little. "What happened? Did you run into
something or did it just start?" 

"Just started," he mumbled indistinctly. His face crumpled as though he
were about to cry and I scooped him up in my arms, standing. 

"Nothing to cry about," I reassured him. "It'll stop in a little bit, a
minute or two, maybe." 

He stared at me disbelievingly as Astrid piped up, "The last one went
on for fifteen minutes, didn't it Joshie?" She giggled. "Maybe you'll
break a record this time." 
  

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- SCULLY POV - 

Fortunately, no records were broken. By the time we managed to squeeze
in an elevator and finally reached the car, the nosebleed had stopped
and he was almost asleep in Mulder's arms. Astrid was still
entertaining us with her lively disection of the show's themes and God
knows what else. She haggled for a piggyback down, but had to settle
for holding my hand and swinging it crazily back and forth as she
skipped along.  
She'd quietened down a little by the time we reached home, following
after me as I tucked Josh into bed. I guessed that she'd seen, as I
had, the lack of interest Mulder had shown in the play, and realised
that it would be useless to attempt comparing opinions with him. But I
was just as hopeless a cause. I'd enjoyed the play, but as I studied
the lack of colour in Joshua's face I couldn't recall a single thing.  

"Mommy??" She was tugging at my clothes in the way she always did when
she wanted attention; it was another childish habit she still hadn't
outgrown. I was glad of it. We'd missed enough of her childhood already
- whatever was left, I wanted it to last. 

She climbed up onto Joshua's bed beside me and his eyelids fluttered
open. He looked sleepily at me, and reproachfully at his sister.  
"Back to sleep, Joshie," she ordered. She bent over to give him a kiss
on his forehead and he giggled sleepily, pulling the covers up over his
head between them. 

"Okay, off the bed. Your brother needs sleep," I announced, getting a
grip around Astrid's waist and tugging her closer to me so she could
slide past. "Go get into your pajamas. It's past your bedtime too." 

To be honest, it was past all of our bedtimes. I've always been a
morning person rather than a night person and now, more than ever, I
needed a solid night's sleep. Mulder would go to bed the same time as
me, I figured, out of consideration more than anything else. Needing
far fewer hours sleep than the rest of us, most mornings I'd stir and
catch him getting ready to go for a jog, sometimes as early as
four-thirty or five.  

I turned back to Joshua, who'd pulled the covers back down and was
grinning at me impishly, the events of the evening seemingly forgotten.
The colour was beginning to return to his face and I wondered if maybe
we were taking the nosebleeds too seriously. The truth was that Mulder
and I had been studiously trying *not* to worry about them for almost a
month, more out of the knowledge that there was little we could do than
lack of realisation of the potential tragedy.  
We both knew what a bleeding nose could mean. 
  

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- MULDER POV - 

I stood in the doorway, watching as Astrid scrambled up the ladder at
the end of the bunks and dove under the covers of her unmade bed. The
whole oak frame shook a little and she giggled. I was about to move
forward to say goodnight when she suddenly bounced upright, threw the
comforter off, and jumped from the top bunk to the floor. I went
forward then, lifting her up and hugging her. "What'd you do that for,
Munchkyn?" 

"I've gotta say goodnight to Mommy, silly." She tapped me on the head,
kissed me on the nose, then squirmed out of my grip. Scully had finally
turned away from Joshua and was standing, when Astrid grabbed her hands
and tugged until Scully bent over enough that they were equal height.  
She looped her arms loosely around Scully and gave her a peck on the
cheek, then she knelt down and planted a big kiss on the dark fabric
which covered Scully's rounded belly. "Night Madeline." 

"It's Madeline tonight, is it?" Scully enquired, grinning. She turned
to face me. "I wonder what happened to Aleksandria-with-a-k?" 

I grinned in response and lifted Astrid up onto the top bunk, tucking
the comforter tightly around her with a firmness that implied that she
was to stay put. But she promply pushed the covers aside, twisting so
that she was facing us, her feet braced against the wall. 

"I like Madeline better," she announced. "And Joshie likes it too,
don't you, Josh?" 

She waited for a reply but Joshua had fallen fast asleep.  
"Goodnight, Astrid," I whispered firmly, flicking the light off. We
both knew that, given the opportunity, Astrid could talk for several
more hours before falling asleep. We crept out of the room before she
could say any more. 
  

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- JACQUELINE POV -  

She seemed nervous. I didn't particularly take note of it until the
checkup was finished and I firmly assured her that everything was going
exactly according to schedule. That was normally the time in the visit
where she would relax, and Fox too, if he came with her, which wasn't
often. I think he was still having problems dealing with me on a
professional level; we were both too antagonistic, unable to bury our
conflicts of the past. But now, even when I reassured her that
everything was perfectly fine and reminded her that there was just over
a month to go, she didn't relax. If anything, she seemed more tense.  
I sealed up the ultrasound images in a manila envelope and passed it to
her and she stared at the blank envelope uncertainly. 
"Jacqui," she began abruptly. "I want you to check over Josh." 

I was certain I'd misheard, or somehow misinterpreted what she was
saying. I hadn't seen the kids in over a year; I'd made the decision
after seeing them that last time that I couldn't bear to have to go
through losing them again. Twice was enough. 

"You want me to check him over?" I echoed. 

She nodded, staring down at her fingers as they rested on her stomach.
"He's..." She sighed. "He keeps getting nosebleeds. Last night makes...
five, I think, in three weeks. Mulder and I don't know the cause and
it's... concerning." 

From her expression I could tell that she thought it was far more than
just concerning. And it was. Josh shouldn't get sick. Neither of them
should. I shut out all my panicky thoughts, determined to remain
professional.  
"Is there any common denominator? It could be a reaction to something."

Dana shook her head. "Two of them were at school - one during class and
one on the school bus. One was at home while he was watching TV,
another when Mulder was teaching the kids how to play baseball. Last
night we'd just seen a play and we were leaving. Different places,
different people." She shrugged. "I've thought about it over and over.
Mulder too. We haven't been able to come up with a solution." 

"And I'm the only person you can come to..." I acknowledged. 

"Yeah," she admitted softly, eyes trained again on her hands as she
idly rubbed one finger. 

They were in an awkward position. Although the kids were normal enough
to exist in the world, blood tests or DNA typing would reveal a few
things that the Project would rather keep hidden. 

"I know the decision that you made and so this is a big ask, but..." 

I wrestled with the decision. I'd managed to keep my mind from
wandering to the kids very successfully by completely immersing myself
in my work. Having Dana as a patient had been tough, but I'd steered
myself not to take the easy option and hand her over to one of my
co-workers. I was the one who'd promised her a miracle and I was going
to get her one. 
But this... This was different. This could jolt me out of the groove of
emotional stability I'd settled myself in. This could distract me just
when I was getting my life together, but I'd have to deal with it. I
wanted to deal with it. 
"Yeah, I'll see him. You can bring Astrid along too, if you want." I
pushed myself to be brave. "And Fox, if he promises to behave." 

She let out a quiet, relieved sigh. "I don't know how to thank you for
doing this, Jacqueline. I know it's not going to be easy." 

"I'll get through it." I smiled at her grimly. "So, when do you want me
to see him? I have a schedule, but schedules are made to be rearranged,
right?" 

She drew a deep breath. "How about now?" 
  

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- SCULLY POV - 

I stayed outside with Astrid while Jacqueline examined Josh. When I'd
gone to the park across the street to tell Mulder what had happened,
we'd both been surprised by the lack of reaction. Astrid, in the middle
of identifying a small beetle she'd found on the slide, had paused only
a second, smiled, then continued. Josh had been silent. I felt almost
saddened by their lack of enthusiasm to see her; I'd seen how important
she was to them once, and I didn't like that now, after such a short
time, she meant little. It wasn't that they'd forgotten her; I knew
that they remembered it all. Astrid always enjoyed regaling us with
stories of our exciting week on the run; somehow she recalled the
tedium and paranoia with delight. 
Sinking back into the leather couch with my eyes closed, I felt Astrid
place her hands on my stomach, one then the other. She then proceeded
to narrate the story of Jack and the Beanstalk.  

It wasn't the first time I'd gotten this treatment; ever since Mulder
and I had announced my pregnancy Astrid had been obsessed with ensuring
the new baby have an early education. Mulder had jokingly suggested
that her excitement over a new sibling had more to do with another ear
to jabber in than anything else. Or maybe he wasn't joking. 

I was jerked out of my daydreaming by Astrid's delighted yelp.  
"Mommy, she kicked!" she announced, bouncing on the couch, elated. 

"Yeah, I noticed," I smiled, tugging her back down. "You've got to
learn to stop jumping up and down on things, sweetie." 

She slipped down, resting her head on my stomach. I stroked her hair
gently, glad for the sudden reprieve. Her excess energy was often
exhausting and I never took for granted even just a few seconds of
silence. I wondered how my mother had dealt with four children - four
children all strongwilled and bossy and loud in their own way. I sighed
tiredly. Thinking of my Mom always made me crave a hug from her, the
sort of hug that reassured me in ways that even Mulder never could. It
allowed me to feel like a child again, just for a few short seconds. 
As though she'd read my mind, Astrid slipped her arms around my neck,
hugging me. 
"You're okay to see Duckie again, aren't you?" I asked gently as she
slid back down again. 

She shrugged and shook her head. "I don't mind." 

"Don't you miss her?" I persisted. The emotional attachment only a few
years ago had been incredible. It couldn't have deteriorated so
quickly. I didn't like the notion that love could fade like that. 

Her eyes widened. "Should I?" 

"There's nothing wrong if you don't," I assured her slowly. "But you
loved her a lot." Again, that craving for a reassuring hug swept over
me. What if something happened to Mulder or I? Would she forget how
much she loved us? It was an unnerving thought.  

"But that was when I was little," she corrected patiently. She yawned.
"Mommy, when are we going to go see Grandma again?" 

"We're going over for lunch -" I broke off as I realised something
disconcerting. Astrid had an uncanny way of saying what I was thinking.
I felt I was cheating her by just chalking it up to coincidence, but
that was the closest thing to an explanation that my mind could accept.
I knew Mulder had a definite opinion on the subject, but he never
raised it. I was glad of that. 
"...tommorow," I finished, distracted. Astrid fell silent again and I
was just about to allow myself to relax a little again when the door
only a few feet away opened. Astrid and I both looked up, but it was
only an assistant entering the room. The young man exited half a minute
later, a small vial of blood in his hand. 

Astrid climbed off the couch and pulled me to my feet, tugging me
through the open door but then stopping, pulling my arms around her as
though to protect herself as she stared at Jacqueline.  
I'd seen Jacqueline constantly the past year or so, but Astrid hadn't.
She gazed expressionlessly at the tall, dark-haired woman in a navy
pinstripe suit and lab coat. 
Joshua was on Mulder's lap, pulling Mulder's arms around himself as
protection the same way Astrid was. He and Mulder were both staring at
Astrid and I. I felt absurd for the ridiculous silence, but couldn't
think of a way to break it.  

"Hi, Astrid," Jacqueline said softly.  

Astrid looked up at me uncertainly, her fingers tightening around mine
before loosening again. "Hi, Duckie," she answered.  
I was shocked. For the first time in her life, Astrid was shy.  

Very deliberately, Jacqueline pulled off her lab coat and tossed it
over the back of a chair. Then she reached up and pulled her hair
loose, running her fingers through it so that it looked rumpled. Some
of the business-like unapproachability seemed to fall away as she let
her hair fall freely on her shoulders. I knew exactly what she was
doing. She was making herself seem less threatening. She was trying to
revert back to the Jacqueline they had known. 
Astrid's grip on my fingers relaxed even more and I extracted my
fingers, giving Astrid a little shove forward. 

"You know, I just can't believe," Jacqueline announced, her tone
teasing, "that this shy, quiet creature could be Astrid." 

Joshua, sitting safely on Mulder's lap, giggled, then quickly hid
behind Mulder's arms. 

"So," Jacqueline continued. "What's up, huh?" 
She was grinning, but I could see that it was forced. I could see that
she was scared that she wouldn't be able to communicate with Astrid. I
could only guess that she'd had no luck with Joshua, but that was a
tough job. 

"Dana's gonna have a baby, aren't you, Mommy?" Astrid beamed up at me
and then at her sister, hugging around my stomach. 
I smiled, wondering whether it was just seeing her sister again that
set her offbalance and allowed my first name to slip out. A similar
thing had happened the last time. But, more importantly, I felt relief.
I'd asked Jacqueline to do something that I knew would cause her pain,
and I knew it was up to me to ensure that she got hurt as little as
possible. 

"Yeah, I know she is," Jacqueline smiled. This time it was more
genuine, but she seemed a little disappointed. "That's pretty special,
huh?" 

Astrid nodded, enthused. "I get a little sister," she grinned. 

"Yeah, having a little sister is great." Jacqueline was quiet, her
fingers playing with her hairclip as she stared at Astrid,
contemplating. She rose to her feet as the lab assistant reentered the
room, handing her a sheaf of papers. Jacqueline nodded curtly, flipping
through the pages, scanning the text. As the door closed after her
assistant she passed the papers to me. 
"Tell me what you see there." 

I scanned through them, taking twice the time she had, studying the
test results. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised by the speed of
the results; I'd seen the technology they had, and it was incredible.  
Eventually, I handed the pages back. 
"There's nothing physically wrong with him," I said slowly. 

"Not as far as we can tell." 

I glanced across at Mulder and Josh. Josh's eyes were cast down as he
hid in Mulder's arms. Astrid was still hugging me, staring up at me
earnestly. 
I should have been relieved by the news, but the truth was that I
wasn't convinced. I hadn't heard enough to allay my fears. Our fears. 

I met Mulder's eyes, trying to convey what I felt, and he nodded his
head in acknowledgement. He retracted his arms, exposing Josh's small
form, and slid him to the ground.  
"Why don't you kids go wait outside for a few minutes?" 

Astrid looked up at me for reassurance, chewing on her little finger,
still hugging me. "We won't be too long," I promised her, prising her
off. "We just need a few minutes alone with Jacqueline." 

"Is it about Joshie?" She frowned at me suspiciously. 

Her constant protectiveness of her younger brother was sweet but
taxing. "Please, Astrid." 

She sighed. "C'mon, Joshie." She grabbed his hand and went out of the
room, tugging him after her. I took the opportunity to move over and
sink down into a seat beside Mulder. 

"He's barely grown an inch since I last saw him," was Jacqueline's
comment the moment the door closed. 

"Astrid's grown a fair bit," Mulder hedged, "Josh just looks short in
comparison." 

Jacqueline stared at us. "Has he grown?" 

I winced. "Not much," I had to admit. He was five, but had the build of
a slim three year old. Astrid was still small for her age, but a recent
growth spurt made it slightly less noticeable. And it was enough to
make her seem to tower over him.  

"How's his school work?" 

It seemed that Jacqueline was going to be the interrogator. I'd naively
assumed it would be the other way round. 
"He's not quite where they expected him to be by this stage," I
admitted.  

"'They'?" 

"His teachers. He's one of the youngest children of the school, so
maybe they just overestimated, but his progress is slowing." 

"When did this start?" 

I racked my brains, trying to pinpoint the exact moment Josh had
started to pay less attention to brainteasers. Only a few months ago, I
was sure. In our last interview with his teacher, she'd mentioned that
he seemed to be making simple mistakes more frequently, but we'd
chalked it up to a hundred different reasons, my pregnancy among them. 

"Beginning of September," Mulder answered crisply.  

"Do you think it has something to do with the baby?" I asked suddenly,
my hands closing over my stomach. I'd assumed that he was just as happy
about it as Astrid vocalised she was, but now I wondered whether I'd
assumed too much. There was always the danger of assuming that Astrid
voiced the opinion for the two of them, when it could perhaps be only
her own.  

Jacqueline seemed to ignore my question.  
"How's his behaviour at home? Has he been quieter? Any sudden fits of
anger?" 

"He's been quieter," I acknowledged. "But no anger. Just quiet... a
little withdrawn, I guess. You know him, Jacqueline. He's never been a
loud kid." 

She nodded slowly. "Yeah, I know." She sat on a desk chair, swinging
around absently, her fingers tapping the edge of a desk. 
Finally, she looked up again. "I can't tell you what's wrong with him,
if anything, but I can give you my honest opinion as to what I think it
could be." She raised an eyebrow querying and Mulder answered for the
both of us. 

"Go ahead." 

"I think it's stress." 

That was the last thing I'd expected and I suddenly wondered why I
hadn't thought of it. 
"Stress?" Mulder queried. "Stress from home? Stress from school? What?"

"Several factors combined, I think. School, home, the world... But I
think it might also be Astrid." 

I felt a stab of pity for Josh, my little boy who was always so quiet
that I forgot that he was there. 
"I think you're right," I agreed, unhappy. "She's so overbearing. And
Joshua... he's quiet, but I think he's -" 

"Trying to break through his shyness," Mulder finished. "She never
gives him a chance to talk - none of us do." 

"I can't believe we couldn't see it," I muttered. Sure, I always had a
hundred things on my mind, but I just couldn't believe that Mulder and
I had been so blind to our own son's problems. He'd been struggling to
be able to express himself before our very eyes and we hadn't seen it.
My strongest urge at that moment was to run out there and give him a
hug, give him the attention we often forgot.  

"But, stress from school - how does that fit in?" 

"I'd say it's just all compounded. He's having enough trouble dealing
with his own problems - brainwork at school would be additional
strain."  
Jacqueline stood. "Listen, you two need to discuss this by yourselves."

She was right, and, yet, I felt that we needed her advice in this. She
knew better than anybody else about how to solve this problem.  

Outside, we found the kids staring at the ultrasound images Jacqueline
had handed me only half an hour ago. Mulder glanced over them carefully
before packing them away again. We were about to head out when
Jacqueline hesitantly asked, "I know it's a little early, but do you
want to come over to my place for dinner? We could order takeout." 
  

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- JACQUELINE POV -  

I felt sure that they would say no, make some apology and escape. In a
way, I almost wanted them to, felt that I shouldn't be risking
emotional stability by spending more time with them. But, to my
surprise, Dana smiled.  
"Yeah, we'd like that." 

Fox didn't look quite as pleased but he smiled tolerantly. I don't know
why exactly Fox doesn't like me; maybe it's simply because I call him
by his first name. I wonder if I'm the only one who does. Dana still
calls him Mulder, when she's talking to him or about him. It's kinda
strange, but it definately lends uniqueness to their relationship.  

It was Dana who prodded me into getting my own place, out of the
compound, five or six months ago. I was reluctant; to be honest, I
couldn't see the point. My work was my life. She had to explain to me
that that *was* the point. I couldn't resist pointing out to her how
ironic it was that she, of all people, was chiding me for allowing my
work to be my life, but I had nothing else. Nobody else.  
She was right, though. I splurged out on a beautiful apartment ten
minutes from the Clinic, and furnished it myself. I felt so completely
liberated, finally having a home of my own, a life separate to my work.
Then I started to date. That was the scary part.  

We decided against takeout because nobody could agree on anything, and
instead Dana and I cooked up some spaghetti bolognese. I thought we'd
dramatically overestimated the amount, but it had all vanished by the
time the doorbell rang.  
It was Graham. He stepped in, pulled the door closed after himself and
kissed me before I had the chance to say anything. I was torn between
pushing him away to tell him what was going on and enjoying the kiss;
our relationship was still a relatively new experience to me and every
moment was precious. 
But Dana and Fox and the kids were here.  
I pulled away from him a little, putting a finger to his lips. "Sorry,
I forgot about tonight. I've got people over; a spur of the moment sort
of thing." 

He looked crestfallen. "You don't want me to stay and meet them?" 

I didn't know what I wanted. I felt at a complete loss. It was to be
expected, I supposed, that the more I ventured into relationships, the
more I experienced the frustration of panic. I missed the confidence I
had when working in the lab at moments like this, but I knew that my
work could never make me feel joy at life, at being loved, the way
Graham did. And that was more than compensation for occasional bouts of
insecurity. 
"I don't think that's such a -" I began uncertainly. What would Dana
and Fox think? What would the kids think? Then I dropped my hand from
his arm. I couldn't delay the inevitable forever. "Sure, come on in." 

Astrid was helping Fox tidy up after dinner and I didn't feel more than
just a vague sense that it was socially incorrect to let the guests
clean up. I didn't see them on guest terms, but rather as equals, just
as I had almost three years ago, staying at Dana's place. I felt as
though I were part of their family. 

My heart sank as I realised that I'd fallen into the trap I'd
studiously tried to avoid; I was thinking of the kids as my family
again. That was something that could only leave me vulnerable to more
hurt. 
I drew a deep breath as I felt Graham bump against me, on my left. 
"Everybody," I announced, trying to sound casual, "this is Graham."  
Not my Graham or my boyfriend, Graham. Just, simply, Graham. 

Dana was the first one to react to his presence, moving forward with a
smile to shake his hand. Mulder introduced himself and then the kids. 

"I've known Fox and Dana for a couple of years," I explained, trying to
sound casual. I hated lying but I couldn't see any alternative. I
caught the flash of curiousity in Dana's eyes and winced internally.  

To be truthful, I was terrified at having them and Graham together;
they knew all about my past, and he knew only what I'd fabricated about
my background and life. If he found out anything I didn't want him to
know then my whole world could tumble down around me. And then I'd be
back where we started. 
  

        - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- SCULLY POV - 

Jacqueline didn't seem comfortable with the situation even after Graham
and Mulder began discussing Graham's work; he was chief researcher on
an AI project, an Australian who'd been working the US for the past
four years. If anything, she seemed more apprehensive. It wasn't hard
to drag her away on pretext of washing the dishes, and the moment the
kitchen door was closed I confronted her. 

"He's twenty years older than you!" I couldn't help the way it turned
out; I knew was sounding just like Mom. 

She half-smiled, as though she'd expected no other reaction. "He's
thirty-five." 

"That's three years younger than me." I hadn't really realised how old
I was until I said that. Even as a teenager thirty-eight had seemed
middle-aged to me. But I didn't feel middle-aged. I didn't feel old. I
still felt young and adventurous. 

"Dana, I appreciate your concern, but I don't need you to mother me." 

"You need somebody to mother you," I retorted. I felt a little
irritated that she wasn't taking my concern seriously. "How long have
you been seeing him?" 

"Three months." Still, that patient, bemused smile. "He thinks I'm
twenty-three, if that's any compensation. That makes only a twelve-year
age-difference, instead of seventeen years." 

"That's too much, Jacqueline." I'd always dated older men myself, and
God knows I could understand the attraction, but the age-difference was
too great. He was almost twice her age. 

"Dana, I know what you're thinking. I don't even know if this is going
to work out. But we have a lot in common..." 

"Jacqueline..." I realised it was pointless in trying any more. "Just
promise me you'll let me know if you think you're getting in over your
head, okay?" 

The last traces of that amused smile faded and she nodded. I felt as
though a gap had just been bridged. "Yeah, thanks Dana." She drew a
deep breath. "He's a really smart guy. We just suit each other, you
know?" 
  

        - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- MULDER POV - 

I was just kicking myself. How could I have not seen the cause of
Josh's problems. What's the point in being a psychologist if it takes a
stranger to diagnose my own son's problems? 

Scully and I argued about it on the drive home. "We've both had other
things on our minds, lately, right?" she justified.  

She gave me a pointed look and I almost laughed. Josh wasn't the only
one who'd been stressed out lately. Everytime I looked at Scully's
ballooning stomach a thousand worries swamped me. Despite all of
Jacqueline's reassuring reports and Scully's own confidence, I felt so
insecure, sure that after all we'd been through, this little miracle
was coming too easily. Nothing we'd been through together had been
without heartache, and I couldn't comprehend that this could be a
first. I was in a permanent state of wary concern over Scully and a
baby that wouldn't truly exist in my mind until my five senses could
verify it.  

"Besides," she continued, "we're not achieving anything by harping on
it." Aware of the kids in the back seat, she lowered her voice to
continue, "We've just got to work on the solution, now." 

Easier said than done, I silently predicted.  

She changed the subject. "What did you think of Jacqueline's
boyfriend?" 

"Graham?" 

She nodded. I shrugged. I was a guy. He was a guy. "What is there to
say?" 

"He's thirty-five, she's eighteen. Don't you think the gap is a little
large?" 
From her tone it was clear that she did. 
She continued, "On her twenty-first birthday, he'll be almost forty." 

"Forty's not old," I protested. I grinned across at her, but she was
serious. "Scully, honestly, I think it's none of our business. She's a
lot more mature than the average eighteen year old, or even a twenty
five year old, for that matter. She's got good instincts." 
I was surprised that I could speak so positively for and about
Jacqueline; she wasn't my favourite person in the world. I wasn't keen
on her being Scully's OB-GYN, but I hadn't had much choice in the
matter. It was a package deal; if we wanted a baby, we got Jacqueline
as the doctor. 

She stared across at me thoughtfully. "You think so?" 

"Don't you?" 

She shook herself. "Yeah, of course I do." 

        - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- SCULLY POV - 

Honestly, though, I wasn't so certain. For all her maturity, I was
still scared for Jacqueline. I felt that her relationship with a man so
much older could only end in disaster, and I didn't want an experience
like that to shape how she approached relationships in the future. 
It was something I couldn't keep my thoughts from wandering to in the
following few days. Maybe the idea of worrying over it appealed more
than worrying over issues closer to home. Nevertheless, I pushed it
away, trying to refocus on Josh's problem.  

"Mulder, when was the last time you heard Josh say a full sentence?" 
We were sitting together at the kitchen table, sorting through some
crime scene photos for our current case. His current case, I guess it
would technically be, given that I was on leave. But we were working
together on as much of it as we could. 

He looked up, pulling off his glasses and rubbing his eyes. "I don't
know. He never really says much." 

"Exactly." That was one of the points that troubled me most. "He
doesn't speak unless he really has to, and even then it's usually only
a word or two. He's practically mute." 

"He always has been," Mulder reminded me. 

"But he's five years old, Mulder. He's not two anymore. At his age he
should be far more verbal. When he actually does say something, it's
usually no louder than a whisper." 

Mulder shrugged, looking at me tiredly. "I don't know, Scully." 

I felt sudden guilt as I realised how much the problem was already
weighing him down. Ever since the revelation in Jacqueline's office
we'd both been thinking overtime and I was aware of how concerned he
had been lately, even before this came along. 
"Sorry," I murmured, reaching out to grasp his hand. 

He brought my hand to his lips, kissing my knuckles. "S'okay. I know
you're worried about him. I am too." 

We sat in silence for a few seconds before he released my hand. I
pushed back my chair and stood, rubbing his shoulders.  
"I'm going to get ready for bed, okay?" 

"Yeah, I'll just finish up here." He focused on the photos once again
and I let my hand slip from his shoulder as I left the room.  
  

        - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- MULDER POV - 

She was standing in front of the full-length mirror in her underwear,
her hands sliding over her swollen stomach, almost curiously. I stood
in the doorway silently, not wanting her to know of my presence quiet
yet, content to just watch. Then suddenly the watchful gaze cracked
into a smile and she laughed. I moved forward and she saw my
reflection. Without even turning around she took my hands, pulling them
over her shoulders to press them against her stomach.  
"Can you feel it?" she whispered, ecstatic. 

"Yeah, she's kicking." I wasn't quite sure why the incident was so
remarkable - it was not, by far, the first time the baby had kicked -
but I wasn't going to complain. This was the first time in a long time
I'd seen her so excited. We'd been too anxious all along to allow
ourselves to get excited. 

"I just... I still can't believe this." Her eyes were shining with
joyful contentment as she placed her hands over mine, squeezing them
tightly. "I never thought I'd experience this. Not after everything." 

Everything. Everything that had happened to us, that had stretched the
boundaries of belief and pushed us both to the point of human
endurance. And it wasn't all over yet. 

        - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- SCULLY POV - 

Mulder had left an hour ago, taking Astrid with him to drop her off at
Joanne's before school. We'd had a hurried last minute search through
family albums for photos Astrid claimed she needed for school, and I
spent the next ten minutes flipping through the albums before packing
them away again, wishing we had more photos of the kids. I smoothed the
tips of my fingers over the only photo we had of Astrid as a baby - the
one of her in Jacqueline's arms I'd pocketed while trespassing in the
now destroyed compound.  
Josh was sitting in front of the TV, but not watching the documentary
on sunken shipwrecks in the Baltic Sea. He was bent over the coffee
table with a blue pencil in hand, his head blocking the paper as he
bent over in concentration. 

"Josh?" 

He looked up at me, startled, questioning. Only recently had it struck
me that he never verbally responded to his name; and to a question only
if he couldn't merely nod or shake his head. 

"Can I have a look what you're drawing, sweetie?" 

He was reluctant, but handed over the paper obediently. I held it in
both hands, staring at it. Almost half the page had been covered by
single, straight lines. Each only a pencil width's thick, they were
drawn side by side, all perfectly straight and parallel to the edge of
the page. 

"That's very neat, Josh. Did you use a ruler?" 

I already knew the answer, though, before he shook his head. 

"How did you get the lines so straight?" 

He shrugged, taking the paper back and laying it back down on the
table. 

I realised the small talk was getting us nowhere and I plunged in. 
"Sweetie, you know why we kept you home from school today, don't you?" 

He nodded, his concentration returned to the page, pencil once again in
hand.  
"Can you tell me why?" I asked gently. 

He went still for a second before continuing, but I noticed that he was
pressing so hard that the tip of the lead jolted as it caught in the
page. 

"Josh, darling, I want you to look at me. Please?" 

For what must have been almost thirty seconds he was utterly still.
Then slowly, he turned to face me. His expression was so grave, so
scared, that I felt as though I were only just discovering the
heaviness of the situation. Whatever was troubling Joshua was taking an
enormous toll. 
"Daddy and I just want to know what's making you unhappy, sweetie. We
can't make it go away until you tell us." 

He squirmed a little, his face contorting. His lower lip trembled. "You
can't make it go away," he whispered. 

"What is 'it'?" I pressed. 

There was a long pause before he admitted, in only a whisper, "The
ozone layer." 

For a moment it seemed absolutely absurd, but then it suddenly made
sense. A lot of sense. 
"What else?" I probed, feeling excited about finally finding a clue. 

And then, it all spilled out. Every war, every nuclear threat, every
endangered species, every one of the major world disasters or problems
that graced the newspapers and TV were like a weight on Joshua's
shoulders. Not that he admitted that directly, but it was so painfully
clear that he felt it all keenly. Joshua, who was always secretive,
paying quiet attention, absorbing every detail. And, with all this
knowledge, and this fear, unable to express it. Perpetually afraid.  
I couldn't begin to understand how hard it must have been for him. The
world was an enormous burden, an enormous responsibility, and Josh had
silently taken it as his own. No wonder he was having trouble coping
with mundane matters like school work when his mind was constantly
filled with statistics of child abuse or starvation in third world
countries or terrorist acts.  
These admissions opened a floodgate of emotion and he crawled into my
open arms and cried and cried. It had been a long time since Josh had
last cried, and it seemed as if during that time his emotions had been
banking up, and the sobs came relentlessly gushing. I wondered what
would have happened if we hadn't reached this point sooner - how much
longer he could have lasted, suffering silently, before he snapped. It
had already begun to take a toll on him physically. 

It was almost half an hour later when he finally stopped sniffing. I
found a tissue and started to gently clean up his face, wondering,
wondering what this breakthrough would mean. 

"Are you okay to have a baby sister, Joshie?" 
I held my breath, not knowing how we would deal with it if his answer
was no. But he nodded, pressing his ear against my stomach.  
  

        - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- MULDER POV - 

Scully related the entire story to me that night, and I was surprised
to see already how different he seemed, giggling crazily as Astrid
chased him around the house. Although he said little more than usual,
it was still heartwarming to see his newfound confidence; he truly
looked as though he had had a great weight lifted from him. He seemed
less preoccupied, more alert, focused on what was happening around him.
Although the problem was by no means solved, simply discovering it,
getting Josh to admit it, was an enormous step. 

Scully was nestled against me as we lay in bed that night. My bedside
light was on as I read, Scully had fallen asleep half an hour earlier,
tired after the emotionally taxing day. I wasn't ready to sleep, still
feeling jubilant over the discovery, intrigued by Joshua's mind. Oddly,
he reminded me of Scully, taking everything silently, bearing the load
and suffering without so much as a whimper. 

"Daddy?" I lowered the book to see Astrid standing in the doorway.
"Daddy, I-" 

I put a finger to my lips to shush her. "Quiet, Astrid. Mommy's
asleep." 

Astrid bit her lip and tiptoed carefully to the bed, climbing up on the
edge beside me and pouting. "Daddy, how come Joshie got to stay home
today?" 

"Josh's been a bit unhappy lately, you know that. Mommy and I thought
we'd better let him stay at home for a little while until he felt
better." 

"Duckie said so too, didn't she?" 

"Yeah, she suggested it," I admitted. I pulled her against me in a hug.
"You don't miss much, do you?" 

"I'm *seven*," she said pointedly. 

"Right. You're old and wise, then?" 

She nodded vigorously, grinning. "Not as old as you, though." 

"You do wonders for my self-esteem." 

She giggled. "We were talking about self-esteem at school, last month.
And we talked about different personality types and how different
people deal with stress and pressure differently. And we had to
diagnose somebody and ask them questions and everything." 

"Really?" It was strange what they were teaching to such young kids, I
mused, only vaguely paying attention. My mind had gone off on another
tangent, specifically my age. Every day I was finding another grey
hair. 

"Yeah, and I analysed Joshie, and he's a worrywart 'cos he's always
worrying about everything. He wouldn't even analyse me even though I
did him." She looked suitably melancholy, but then her face brightened.
"But then Henry did and he said -" 

"You analysed Josh," I echoed, suddenly tuning into what she was
saying. 

She nodded. "Yeah. Weren't you listening properly, Daddy? Mrs McClaren
says it's bad if you're not listening properly 'cos you're developing a
habit that will cause you lots of problem later in -" 

"And you said that Josh worries a lot?" 

"He worries about everything." She nodded earnestly. "He doesn't like
using the computers at school 'cos of EMR so he only pretends to use
them when the teacher comes 'round. And he thinks the president is
going to be impeached but he doesn't like the vice-president's
policies. And there's a civil war in Cuba and he's scared it's going to
spill over to the U.S., and he's scared that he's never going to grow
any bigger because he's five and he still looks like a little kid. And
he's really happy that Mommy's going to have a baby because it means
she has to stay home and you're extra-specially careful, cos everytime
you and Mommy go away for work and we stay with Grandma, he won't go to
sleep til it's almost morning, he's too scared. And -" 

"Wait," I broke in. "You knew all this and you didn't tell us?" 

She looked suddenly dismayed. "He didn't tell you that? I thought you
and Mommy knew..." 

"We knew," I reassured. "We knew about ... about the EMR and the
president and the civil war, but -" 

"...but you didn't know about when you and Mommy go away," she
finished, looking even more dismayed, almost frightened, as though
she'd accidently let a terrible secret slip. "Uh oh..." 

"Hey, it's okay," I promised. "But now that we know... don't you think
you could tell us the full story?" 

"You and Mommy?" 

I glanced down at Scully, still fast asleep. She'd become an incredibly
heavy sleeper the past few months. 
"Just me for the moment. I can tell Mommy in the morning." 

She hesitated. "I don't know if Joshie wants you to know... I think
it's... like, private, you know." 

"Joshie's very unhappy at the moment, Astrid," I reminded her. "We
can't help him feel better if we don't know everything that's wrong..."

I tugged her closer to me again. "C'mon, I know how much you love
Joshie, and I know you try to protect him. But you're not protecting
him by hiding this." 

She looked torn to make a decision, but finally she nodded, unhappy. 
"You know that story you tell us... about when Mommy got abducted by
the bad men after the bee stung her, and they took her away to the
spaceship in the Arctic?" 

"The Antarctic," I corrected gently. "Yeah, go on." 

"And you had to go find where they'd taken her and you had to give her
a special vaccine cos she'd been infected with the alien virus and
there were aliens everywhere and Mommy lost consciousness and you had
to revive her and then -" 

"Yeah, I know the story, kiddo." I was a little impatient. I knew how
well Astrid knew the story, but I was in no hurry to have it all
narrated back to me. It was a story I'd told the kids endless times -
one of Astrid's favourite bedtime stories - and often Scully would
listen with a small smile on her lips, a skeptical, amused smile.
Sometimes she would playfully correct me, but usually it was just the
smile. 

"Well, sometimes when he has nightmares they're about you and Mommy in
the UFO in the Arc- Antactic, and - and ... and sometimes you don't get
out." Her voice trailed off and she bit her lip, staring down at my
sleeping partner. 

"Does he have any other nightmares? About other stories we've told him?
Or are they all about the Antarctic?" I was curious, concerned, and
almost angry that I'd thought the stories would be harmless. Astrid
enjoyed them immensely, always begging for another tale. She asked to
hear again and again even the more sobering stories, about Scully's
cancer and cure, about Scully's abductions, about Emily, about my
father or Scully's father or Melissa dying. Scully didn't smile during
those ones. 

"Some," she admitted. "He doesn't like you working by yourself cos
every time you or Mommy work alone you get hurt. Like when Mommy got
shot... or when you're always ditching her and you do something stupid
or -" 

"Did Mommy tell you those stories?" I demanded, teasing.  

Astrid giggled. "She says if she had a penny for every time you ditched
her, she'd be a millionaire." 

"I think that's a slight exaggeration," I protested. "Don't you?" 

She pressed her arm over her face to muffle another giggle. 

I returned to the important topic.  
"So Joshie confides in you a lot, doesn't he?" 

She nodded. "Doesn't he tell you these things too?" 
Her question was innocent; she seemed completely surprised when I shook
my head. 

"No, Josh doesn't tell me and Mommy much." 

"He should tell you more," Astrid decided disapprovingly. 

"Mommy and I would like it if he did," I agreed gently.  

She slipped off the bed. "I'll go tell him..." 

I caught her arm. "Not now, silly. It's too late; he should be asleep.
You should, too." 

She shrugged. "Not tired yet." She climbed back up onto the bed. "You
wanna know what we did at school today?" 

I nodded, trying not to see the resemblances to Samantha as she smiled,
her chestnut hair in messy braids, the bows in the ribbons long ago
fallen out. She was wearing pink pajamas with a teddy bear print on
them. Samantha had always worn pink. It was her favourite colour. What
was Astrid's favourite colour, I wondered. It struck me that I should
know, but, racking my brains, I couldn't think of it. 

"-And then we -" 

I interrupted her. "What's your favourite colour, Astrid?" 

She gave me a skeptical look. "Blue, silly." 

I reached out to touch her pajama fabric lightly. "Not pink?" 

She shrugged. "Mommy bought them for me. I like pink too. But blue's
better." 

I nodded understandingly. 

"Can I go on?" she asked impatiently. After receiving another nod in
affirmation, she continued. "We had to write up a sort of personality
chart for each person and compare them and we also compared the photos
for inherited traits in appearance." 

"Compared what photos?" Having only just tuned in, I was confused. 

"You, me and Mommy," she said, sounding a little exasperated at my
inability to listen. Then she grinned at me childishly. "I've got your
eyes." 

"You mean there's a similarity," I corrected. 

"I just call 'em as I see 'em," she shrugged.  

I was puzzled. Astrid knew as well as the rest of us that she had no
biological connection to either Scully or I. Certainly, the home
environment would have it's effect on her just as it affected us, but
there was no genetic influence. Was this just wishful thinking? I
wished Scully were awake. 

"You should go to bed, Astrid," I said restlessly. I didn't want or
need anything else to wrestle with. 

"And what about you?" she demanded. 

"I'll go to sleep if you will," I suggested, knowing the only solution
was to strike a deal with her. And it worked. She grinned at me,
planted a kiss on my nose, and ran off.  

I switched off the reading lamp and lay in silence beside Scully,
listening to her quiet, even breathing. Even after a mutual decision to
live our lives away from the edge, I felt as though our very existence
was as fraught with danger as it had been before the kids became part
of our lives. Still risks, still heartache, still not knowing what the
next day would bring. Maybe we brought it upon ourselves, I wondered.
Maybe we needed that sort of danger in our lives, craved it. Normality
was banality. We needed the adrenalin rush to remind us that, after
everything, we were all still alive. And to remind ourselves not to
take life for granted. 

I shifted in the bed, slipping one hand over Scully's stomach. I could
have sworn I felt the baby kick, almost in response to my touch, but
Scully didn't stir. I smiled to myself. This was my choice of life and
it was a choice I hadn't regretted. With my hand still resting on her
stomach, I fell asleep. 

        - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- SCULLY POV - 

I called Mom as soon as Mulder told me what Astrid had told him, and
got mad at Mom when she admitted that Josh never slept when he and
Astrid stayed with him. I didn't mean to lose my temper, and I felt
terrible afterward, but I couldn't understand how she could have kept
it from me. 
She had said, simply, that he had pleaded with her not to tell me. And
she'd agreed. I guess I was just shaken by Joshua's reluctance to tell
Mulder and I what troubled him. I couldn't understand why he was so
desperate to hide the truth from us. And, as much as anything else, I
felt like a fool. It seemed that everybody except Mulder and I had
known what was bothering Josh for a long time.  
Eventually, I calmed down and called her back to apologise. But I got
the machine. 

It was only Josh and I home again, but I felt strangely adverse to
bringing up his problem. So, instead we played games; Scrabble,
Monopoly, and several other games we once in a while played together as
a family. The mental exercise was as welcome to me as it was to Josh -
I wasn't particularly fond of sitting at home all day, and I yearned
for a good mental knot to untie.  
We were halfway through a game of battleships - Josh's particular
favourite - when Mom rang the doorbell. 
Josh answered and, although he was smiling, he answered Mom more with
giggles and shy smiles than actual words. His lack of language was
really starting to trouble me, but I didn't know what more I could do. 

Mom presented him with a small wrapped package and his smile grew as he
opened it, hugged her, and then dashed into the kitchen. 
I was still sitting on the floor behind the coffee table and I eased
myself up as Mom approached. I felt guilty about before and wondered if
I was going to get a stern lecture about my temper. It wouldn't be the
first time that had happened during my adulthood. I don't think parents
ever really accept that their kids are adults. 

"Mom... I'm sorry I got angry at you before," I began hesitantly. 

"I understand," she said softly. "I know how you feel." She smiled,
slipping her arms around me. I relished the hug. I didn't want to let
her go. 
"How's the baby?" she asked as she pulled away, faint traces of anxiety
showing despite the smile. 

"Everything's going according to schedule." I didn't know what more to
say. Even as the days passed and the big date loomed nearer, I still
couldn't stop myself from feeling afraid that something would go wrong.
Something always seemed to go wrong at the last minute, in my life. I
was just so scared, more scared than I let on even to Mulder. I knew if
I confessed the true extent of my fear it would only cause his own to
escalate, and unnecessary paranoia would hardly benefit either of us.
So, instead, I worried silently. I didn't want something to go wrong
that would destroy everything. 

I sank down onto the couch and she sat opposite. "I hope you don't mind
that I brought a present for Josh. It's a computer game. It's for
Astrid too, really, but I thought I'd let him have a chance to play it
before Astrid finished it off." She paused, looking at me searchingly.
"I thought it would also give us some time to talk." 

I didn't like her tone. I'd always been scared as soon as somebody said
something to that effect. "About?" I asked slowly. 

"Joshua, to start." 

I stared down at the carpet, analysing. "He's improving," I said
eventually. "We didn't realise how deep the problem was, but now that
we do, we're working on it." 

"And how are you going to solve it?" 

I exhaled slowly. "I have no idea," I had to admit. The problem was
that most of the things that troubled Josh were things Mulder and I had
no control over. We couldn't improve the whole world by ourselves.  
"Mulder and I are only human, Mom. We can't fix up all the worldly
problems." 

"You don't have to solve all the world's problems. Joshua's greatest
fears are of losing you, or Fox. That's what the nightmares are always
about - when he actually *does* get to sleep. He's afraid that you'll
go away and not come back." 

"Like Jacqueline," I murmured, slowly realising. How could I have not
understood? I had thought that Joshua had long ago dealt with grief
over Jacqueline's disappearance. At first I'd thought that it would
marr him for life, but then I'd seen how he recovered, how quickly he
managed to rebuild his life and form new relationships. But I now
realised that I was right in the first place; losing Jacqueline had
given Joshua a permanent insecurity, a fear of losing his protectors.
This level of insecurity had escalated into paranoia about everything,
constant fear.  

"So..." My voice was a little hoarse. I felt shaky over the
realisation. It wasn't all about worldly problems, like Joshua had
said. It was about us. I wondered why he had lied; whether he was
simply afraid to voice his real fears to us, whether it was somehow
guilt... Yet I felt that his first admission, although not the whole
truth, had been truthful. But that was just the icing on the cake.
Mulder and I were the real concern. "What do you think we should do?" 

She looked at me levelly, unhappy. "I think you know what would be
best." 

"I love my job. You know that. I can't quit." 

"I know you love your job. But what are you going to do when the baby
comes, Dana? You're not just going to leave her with a sitter and go
back to work, are you?" 

That was an issue I'd been silently tormenting myself over the past few
months, ever since Mulder and I had made the decision to have a child
of our own. My career had always been most important to me, and still,
it was an enormous part of my life. I didn't know whether I could
handle being a full-time mother. I needed to work. And yet, I was
already feeling more and more maternal by the day. It was addictive.  
"Mom, please don't force me to make that choice. Not yet." 

Her gaze seemed to soften a little. "I know it's a hard choice, Dana. I
know that... that you think you belong at Fox's side." 

"I do belong at Mulder's side." I felt a sudden pang of discomfort. I'd
always assumed that Mom understood, to some extent, the devotion I felt
toward my work. Sure, I saw her expression every time I was injured at
work, I saw the concern, the quiet empathy, the occasional fleeting
anger. 
Then it struck me. 

"You're just as afraid as Josh, aren't you?" 

I stared at her, absolutely shocked that it had taken something like
this for me to realise. 
"That's why you didn't tell Mulder or I about his nightmares at your
house and about his fears for us... Because you feel the same way." 

She half-smiled. "How could I not feel the same way, Dana? Of course I
know how Joshua feels. It's never a good feeling to know that somebody
you love dearly and have almost lost time and time again is running
around the country chasing after murderers twice their size." 

That was a thought I'd always tried to ignore when off on cases.
Usually I succeeded, burying myself in solving the case or worrying
about Mulder after he ran off again. I realised that I couldn't begin
to imagine how that would feel, to know that somebody you loved was
putting themselves constantly in danger and you had no way of
protecting them. Even with Mulder at work and me at home, we still had
such a bond that I didn't feel the distance between us as much as I'd
dreaded. He'd opted for local cases, too, and had only been out of the
state once since my leave began. 

"I'm sorry, Mom," I whispered, not knowing what more I could say. I'd
put her through so many years of heartbreak and there was no way I
could make it up to her.  

"I know you are," she assured me gently, still smiling that unhappy
smile. "I know you never mean to hurt anybody. It's been your choice,
and I've always respected that.I know you're only doing your job, a job
that you love." 
She stood. "I'd better go. I only dropped in." 

"You were in the neighborhood, huh?" I asked ironically, fighting back
the guilt. 

She smiled, a real smile at my teasing. "Actually, I was. I'm on the
way to the jewellers. I have to pick up Aunt Ellie's brooch." 

I showed her out, and then checked in on Josh. He was sitting at the
kitchen table, staring intently at the screen of my laptop as his
fingers flew across the keyboard. 

"Good game?" 

He nodded but didn't take his eyes off the screen.  

"Josh, can you just pause it for a second?" 

His fingers slowed and then he tapped a few keys, slowly turning to
face me. Apprehension was dawning in his face and I realised he had the
same fear I did of confrontational conversations. But I wasn't going to
be confrontational. 
"I was thinking that maybe you and I could go out somewhere today. The
acquarium, maybe." 

The wary fear fell away and he smiled shyly. "Just us?" 

"Not unless you want to wait until Astrid gets home so that she can
come along, too," I suggested, curious what his response would be. 

He shook his head. "Just us." 
  

        - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- MULDER POV - 

I was bored at work. There was no challenge without Scully there; I
could formulate whatever fantastic theories I wished and there was
nobody to shoot them down. It was just too easy. And so, so boring. 

It was just before five when I got home. Astrid came running to meet me
as I let myself in, demanding to know what I was doing home so early
and telling me that if I got myself fired again, I was in big trouble.
I didn't know exactly what she meant, or what Scully had been telling
her, but I didn't get a chance to respond before she flew off again,
disappearing into her bedroom. I dropped my briefcase inside the front
door and as I was hanging my coat on the stand by the door I could hear
voices. A conversation. Giggling. 
I stepped into the living room and found Scully sitting on the couch,
cuddling Joshua, tickling him as she talked to him. What amazed me was
that he was responding. Not just single words, but complete sentences.
He seemed almost so eager to get all the words out that they tumbled
over each other. And Scully was beaming. Literally beaming, the sort of
smile I'd seen only rarely throughout our lives and partnership
together. Sheer happiness. 
I felt joyous at the transformation, but there was another small
emotion that crept into my mind unbeckoned. I felt jealous.  
Not enormously, just the tiniest bit. I felt jealous because Scully had
spent the day with a giggling, talking Joshua, had succeeded all by
herself, and all this time I had been bored out of my skull. I felt
left out. And I felt jealous of Josh, because he'd been with Scully. 
She looked up and some of the excitement seemed to fall away from her,
a sort of apprehensive wariness entering her eyes as she held my gaze.
Then she smiled, hesitantly. I wondered if she was hiding bad news or
some sort, but I wasn't certain. I couldn't quite read her emotions,
and wondered if I was being too paranoid. 
I moved toward them, kissing Scully's forehead and ruffling Josh's
hair.  

"You're home early," she commented. She looked at me shrewdly. "You
okay, Mulder?" 

"Just wishing I'd been at home with you two instead of off at work," I
admitted, smiling. I said it flippantly but I think she saw that I was
quite serious. She nodded slowly, then turned down to Josh. 

"Hey, you want to tell Daddy where we went today?" 

Then the kid suddenly turned shy. Scully nudged him gently. "Go ahead."

Josh bit his lip. "We went to the acquarium," he admitted.  

"What did you see?" I didn't know how Scully had finally broken through
to him but it seemed I had to do the same thing myself. "Sharks?" 

He nodded. Damn the nod.  

"And? What else?" 

"And... stingrays," he admitted.  

"Did you have fun out with Mommy?" I stared at Scully as I asked the
question, and saw that the excited glow had almost completely faded.
She rubbed her neck tiredly. 

Josh nodded, then, murmuring something, slipped out of Scully's arms,
past me, and left the room. 

"Well, that father-son bonding session went great." I felt bitter, as
though suddenly I were the least important member of the family, no
longer the driving force with Scully. I couldn't help it. 

"You just have to give him some time," she said slowly. She looked up
at me unhappily, reaching out a hand to tug me down beside her. "He was
doing great... we were talking about everything we saw and he told
me... he told me everything. There's so much knowledge stored in his
brain, Mulder. It's incredible." 
She looked at me, almost pleadingly. 

I sighed heavily. "How did you get through to him? What did you do?" 

"I took him out. Just the two of us." 

"That was it?" 

She nodded slowly. "I told him that Mom had explained to me about his
nightmares. I promised him -" she broke off, pulling away from me. 

"I promised him I wouldn't go back to work," she finished slowly, not
meeting my eyes. 

I was stunned. I felt as though I'd been betrayed, threatened, as
though I was no longer the most important person in Scully's life. I
felt angry, and I felt scared. Selfishly, I needed to feel secure that
I mattered to Scully, that she put me first. She wasn't putting me
first in this. 
"Why?" I had to ask, even as the words stuck in my throat. 

"Because it's killing him, Mulder. You and I, constantly putting
ourselves in the line of fire... it's killing him, and it's killing my
Mom. And ... I don't know what Astrid thinks about that, but I wouldn't
be surprised if it's killing her too." 

"You're quitting." The words appeared in my mind as though they were
carved in stone and yet, still, somehow, I couldn't believe. I didn't
want to believe. "After everything, you're quitting..." 

"I don't want to quit, Mulder," she whispered. "God knows how agonising
the decision was. But I don't want to keep hurting the people I love
like that." 

My head was spinning. I'd never expected this, not in a thousand years.
I knew how much Scully loved her job, I knew that she loved being
beside me as much as I loved being beside her. We'd just never even
considered one of us leaving as an option.  

"Have you given Skinner your letter of resignation?" I finally asked. 

She shook her head, not meeting my eyes. "No. I only just decided this
afternoon." 

"Then let me know when you do, and I'll give him mine too." 

She looked as though she'd expected that very reaction. "Mulder, no." 
Her tone was quiet and unhappy, but firm. 

"Why not, Scully? Why can't I quit too? Why do I have to be left out? I
want to raise our kids, too."  

She pulled away a little more at the anger in my tone and I could see
that she was struggling with her emotions. 
"Mulder, please." Her tone was warning more than begging. "We can't
fall apart over this. We can't let this divide us..." 

I didn't want to hurt her but the need to fight what she was suggesting
was too desperate. "Scully, we've never let them divide us. We've kept
on fighting, together. Why is this so different?" 

She winced. "Because this time we're not fighting to save our x-files
or to keep our partnership. We're trying to be a family and give the
kids security." 

"They have security!" 

"Not enough, Mulder." She looked at me sadly, pleading for me to
understand, but I couldn't. I couldn't understand how she could give up
our partnership. 

        - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- SCULLY POV - 

I was trying to be the voice of reason, to make him see what I had
seen.  
But he turned away. "I can't listen to this." With shaking hands he
picked up the keys he'd dropped on the coffee table and headed out of
the room. 

"Mulder, don't leave." I followed after him but his strides were
greater and I couldn't catch up to him. "Mulder," I called. "I don't
want us to fight. I don't." 

He had reached the front door and as he turned back to look at me, I
could see that his eyes were dark with anger and pain. They were
pushing me away. "Scully, we can't give up our partnership." 

I approached him slowly, carefully. "Mulder, our partnership isn't just
about work. You know that. It's in this family." 

"That's not the same, Scully!" 

"Mul-" I cut off suddenly as anger shot me. It felt as though I'd been
kicked in the stomach and took me a second to realise that the kick
came from within. Pain wasn't a stranger in my life and I'd suffered
far worse, but the sheer surprise of the assult from within was so
enormous that I gasped. My knees buckled under me and only my grip on
the hall table kept me from falling, wincing in pain as I held my
stomach. 

"God, Scully..." After just staring at me in utter shock for a second
Mulder dived toward me, his arms around me, cradling me as I let myself
sink to the floor. 

"It's okay," I murmured, falling against him and almost laughing in
relief as the kicking calmed. "It's just... Just the baby kicking. She
got kinda violent." I tried to smile at him, even though I still felt
trembly and the panic hadn't completely faded. "Looks like she doesn't
like us arguing, either," I whispered. 

The deep frown on Mulder's forehead lessened and I saw the shadow of
guilt enter his eyes. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he whispered contritely. 

"I know," I whispered, running my fingers through his hair and stroking
his face. What would we do? What could we do? "I would have reacted the
same way if you'd told me that. But it's the only solution, Mulder." 

He winced. "Can we at least talk about it, before you send Skinner your
resignation?" 

I knew he was only going to try to talk me out of it, and he might even
almost succeed. I almost hoped he would. More than anything, I wanted
another option, something that would allow me my family and my job. 
"Yeah, we can talk about it," I agreed gently.  

We sat in silence for a few minutes, before I built up the courage to
ask, "You really were jealous of Josh, weren't you?" 

"Yeah," he admitted. "I'm sorry." 

"No, it's my fault," I insisted. Why was everything so damn hard to
balance? "I've been so focused on getting Josh to talk to me that I've
been almost ignoring you and Astrid. I shouldn't have." 

"We're both under stress, Scully," he reminded me. But I shook my head.

"That's not a real excuse." 

He shifted to get more comfortable under my weight but I was glad he
made no move to get up. We needed just this moment of private intimacy,
away from the kids, the rest of the world. 
"I love you," he murmured. I felt his soft lips pressed against the
back of my neck and twisted enough to kiss him on the lips. The last of
tenseness left in my body from the fight evaporated and I allowed
myself to smile, feeling calmed, relaxed. I could never stay angry at
him, even after the worst of fights. Not when it hurt us both so much.
"When was the last time we kissed like this?" 

"Too long," he murmured, tugging my mouth back to his.  

"Mommy?" I could hear Astrid's voice. "Mommy..." Her voice was growing
louder and I knew it would only be a second before she interrupted us,
but I didn't draw away from Mulder. "Mommy, Joshie acciden -" The
voice, only a few feet away from us, suddenly cut off. Then there was a
giggle and I heard her footsteps pound as she dashed off. 

        - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- MULDER POV - 

For the entire week I obsessed over the idea of making friends with
Josh. Not a single case that I came across sparked my interest enough
to distract my focus more than superficially. I was determined that I
was going to reach him in the way Scully had. The problem was getting
some time with Josh without letting Astrid feel completely neglected.
We all seemed to be strugging for attention these days. 
In the end, it was Astrid herself who gave me the opportunity; she was
going to a birthday party and was begging Scully to take her to buy
some new shoes. Shoes. That's something I've never understood about
women; how they could possibly need so many shoes. Scully's not the
worst offender, but she still has a wardrobe full, most of them with
enormous heels. I've always wondered whether that's so she's tall
enough to kiss me. Well, it's just a theory. 

The second the door closed after Scully and Astrid I went and hunted up
Joshua. He was sitting on his bed, absorbed in a book. Astrid's bed was
still unmade and the sheets hung over the side, blocking most of the
light so that Josh was sitting almost completely in the dark. I pulled
back the sheets, stuffing them firmly back up on the bed so they
wouldn't fall down again. 

"Hey, kiddo, you're going to ruin your eyes if you read in the dark." 

He looked up, startled. Then, slowly closing the book, he shrugged. 
I beckoned and he obediently put the book down beside him and slipped
off the bed, following after me out into the living room. 

It was strange, I thought, as we climbed into the car, how silent it
was with only Josh. By this time Astrid would be thoroughly
interrogating me as to where we were going, but Josh hadn't spoken a
word. I watched as he carefully buckled his seatbelt, shifting around
to get comfortable in the front seat. It wasn't often that he sat
there. 
"So, Josh..." I knew I was nervous and I felt sure he could tell. But I
couldn't do anything about it. I was gambling that I'd be able to
establish some connection with him in a short amount of time. "Where
are we going?" 

He shrugged, looking away uneasily.  

"Josh?" I tried to keep my tone gentle. "It's up to you." 

He was silent. 

"C'mon, kiddo. Help me out here." 

He looked up at me, a little surprised. I myself was surprised that my
pride was letting me plead with him. But this was something that was
important to me. 
  

He was grasping my hand tightly as we stepped out of the elevator. It
was weekend and the place would be deserted if not for the few agents
working obsessively overtime to solve a case. It wasn't so long ago
that Scully and I had been among those few. But not any longer. 
It was the first time Josh had ever seen our basement office, and as he
stepped inside the awe in his eyes was almost reverence. I'd been
puzzled by the request to come here, expecting a visit to the zoo or
acquarium or some local museum or library, but he had seemed eager,
almost excited when I agreed. I wondered where the attraction lay in
his eyes. 
He was in his own world as he wandered around the small confines,
staring at all the posters and photos on the walls, the books and
artifacts on the shelves. Many of the original photos and clippings had
turned to ash when our office was torched, but a search through the
newspaper archives had led to proof of our successes once again being
displayed. 
My fingertips itched when I spotted my basketball on top of a tall pile
of newspapers, but I resisted the temptation. Instead, I sat down at my
desk and switched on my computer, watching Josh as I waited for it to
boot up. 
He had pulled a chair over to one wall and was standing on it to read
an article high on the wall.  
"Who's Eugene Tooms?" he asked suddenly, twisting around on the chair
to look at me shyly. 

"Eugene Tooms was..." I paused, remembering the phrase I'd used many
years ago, "a rare, abnormal creature. He ate human livers and then
went into hibernation for thirty years." 

"You and Mommy caught him?" Momentary panic flitted across his face. 

"Yeah, we caught him," I reassured. "Squished him under an escalator." 

He nodded, turning back to the wall, his eyes ranging over the hundreds
of articles, digesting details. He was so absorbed that he didn't speak
again for another ten minutes, then he began to ask questions about the
articles and how they related to current and past cases. While the
questions were short, they were endless. I didn't sugarcoat any of my
answers. I knew instinctively that he wanted honest, straight-forward
explanations. The questions finally dried up and he lapsed into
silence, staring at my poster on the wall. 
Curious, I asked, "Do you believe in the existence of
extraterrestrials, Josh?" 

He looked across at me and smiled shyly. "You asked Mommy that
question, too. The first time you met her." 

I smiled. "Yeah, kiddo." He was silent and I hesitatingly asked, "Why
didn't you tell us what was making you so unhappy?" 

He bit his lip, his eyes glued to the floor.  

"Josh?" I pressed. "I know you get scared when we go away. Just like
Grandma does. We all get scared, sometimes." 

He looked up slowly. "Not scared," he corrected uneasily. "Concerned." 

"Concerned, right." I nodded, reassuring. 

After a pause, he asked tremulously, "You get scared sometimes?" 

"Yeah, I do," I admitted, smiling. "So does Mommy."  

He frowned as he tried to phrase his question. "Why..." he began
hesitantly. "Why do you keep working if you just keep getting scared
and hurt?" 

It was a question I'd asked myself a thousand times over the past ten
years, and while some of my reasons varied, there was one which
remained immutable. "We find the truth. We expose lies and
conspiracies... We save people's lives." 

"But you risk your own lives," he pointed out, frowning again. 

"Sometimes that's the price." 

He was silent. Catching a glimpse of the wall clock, I turned to shut
down the computer. It was still on the login screen - Josh's questions
had kept me occupied for over an hour. 
"We'd better head home, kiddo," I announced. "Mom and Astrid'll be
wondering where we've gone."  
Josh glanced up at the clock and then slipped down from where he'd been
perched on top of a filing cabinet. 

I grabbed our matching baseball caps from the coat rack and pulled his
down firmly on his head, then stood in the doorway waiting for him.  He
gazed around wistfully.  
"Mommy loves working, doesn't she?" 

He met my eyes and, despite the height difference, I felt as though I
were looking into the eyes of somebody fully adult. I nodded.  

"Maybe," he began uncertainly. "Maybe Mommy shouldn't quit... Maybe she
would be happier if she just took some time off when the baby's born
and then when she's ready she can -" 

"Hey, Josh," I interrupted, as gently as I could. "Don't stress over
it, okay?" 

His face crumpled and it seemed it took all of his self-control not to
cry. I knelt down in front of him, and to my surprise he hugged me
tightly. Instead of prising him off I waited several minutes before he
pulled away of his own accord, sniffling. 

"You're allowed to cry, you know," I remonstrated gently. "Everybody
cries sometime. Even me." 

He nodded sombrely. "I know."  But he still held the tears back. 

I stood, holding out a hand for him to grip. "Let's just go home,
'kay?"  
  

        - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- SCULLY POV - 

Josh was doing a comprehension task I'd set him when the phone rang.
After almost two weeks at home, he still refused to go to school.
Unlike the first few days off when he'd been withdrawn, almost unhappy
at having to stay home, he now showed absolutely no desire to return to
school, seemingly content to be at home. If it hadn't been for his
increasing talkativeness and the day-by-day improvements in everything
from mental to physical fitness, we probably would have sent him off to
school. But I felt the safest way was to not push him in any direction
until he had fully dealt with the problems that had been plaguing him.
With our help, that was. 
It had been tough, though, to send Astrid off to school, despite all
her protests and claims of illness. Earlier in the week she'd cried,
thrown tantrums, or simply refused to go. The past day or two it had
escalated to almost hysterical pleadings, claiming that something bad
would happen to her if she went to school. 
We realised too late that we should have listened. 

I glanced at the clock as I snapped up the receiver. "Scully." It was
just past midday, which was earlier than Mulder usually called. 

"Scully, it's me." 
The tone of his voice alone set off alarm bells in my head. Warning
bells. I knew this wasn't just a call to say Hi. 

"What is it?" I demanded. "What's wrong?" 

"I just got a call. There's a hostage situation at Astrid's school." 

My mind reeled with the abruptness of it all. "When did this happen?"
How did this happen? Why did this happen? Wasn't it bad enough that we
encountered these things at work? 

"All the kids were in the auditorium for an assembly straight after
lunch. As far as anybody knows, the kidnappers gatecrashed." 

My voice trembled as I asked, "Are they armed?" 

I could hear Mulder's breath hitch before he admitted, "Yeah. Pretty
heavily, too." 

I glanced over to Joshua, who was staring at me. His face was ashen and
his eyes were wide with fear. Looking at him, I knew for a fact that he
knew. I couldn't explain it, but he knew. 
"I'll meet you down there." 

"No, Scully. I'll pick you up. I'm on my way now." For the first time I
registered the background noise I'd long ago learnt came with
celphones.  

"'Kay. Josh and I'll get ready." I drew a deep breath. "Astrid knew
this was going to happen, didn't she, Mulder? She knew and she tried to
tell us but we wouldn't listen..." 

"I'll be there in five minutes," was all that Mulder said. And then the
phone went dead. 

        - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- JACQUELINE POV - 

I arrived at the school only a few minutes behind Dana and Fox. Ever
since I'd seen them, three weeks ago, I'd been almost obsessively
keeping tabs on them. That was why, when I heard about the situation
over the police scanner, I abandoned the task at hand, grabbed my car
keys, and left. 
Dana and Fox were standing a little apart from the herd of frantic,
panicky parents outside the school gates. They were close but not
touching, each of them gripping one of Joshua's hands as though afraid
he'd run off. Dana had called me once or twice to update me on Josh's
improvements, and now, despite the fear in his eyes and the way he
tightly held onto Dana and Fox, I could see a confidence in him I
hadn't seen before. 

None of them displayed any real surprise at seeing me. It didn't even
feel that strange to me to, once again, share Dana and Fox's concerns.
It felt right to me, and I think they felt it too. 
"Hi," Dana said softly.  

I studied her briefly and then Fox. They seemed professionally calm,
but their eyes betrayed their apprehension and fear.  

"How much do you know?" I tried to keep my tone as collected as I knew
theirs would be. 

"They're in the auditorium. There's been no contact with the
kidnappers, yet. They haven't called with any ransom demands," Fox
answered evenly. "The police are working on the assumption that a
ransom will be asked for, and they're going through a list of all the
students at the moment to see if there's any indication which child or
children are the ones they want." 

"What if that's not the case?" I had to ask, hearing the tremors in my
voice as I did. "What if it's terrorists or just -" 

"- Some religious psycho?" Fox finished for me. He glanced at Dana, and
then shrugged. "We can only hope it's not." 
  
        - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- MULDER POV - 

The kidnappers called ten minutes later, asking a ransom of ten million
dollars for one Aaron Edward Phillips. The kid was one of the brightest
in the school, I knew, his intelligence inherited from his father, a
software programmer whose company had just launched a multi-billion
dollar takeover. It seemed an easy equation, but negotiations dragged
on and on and soon we began to realise that this wasn't going to have
as quick a resolution as we could have wished.  
A SWAT team were crawling all over the school buildings, trying to get
the best view into the auditorium. They were being excruciatingly
careful, though; the kidnappers had warned that for every cop they saw
trying to get in, they would shoot a hostage. Nobody was willing to
call their bluff.  
More cops were trying to keep parents under control. Several
counsellors soon appeared, and people were plying the distraught
parents with coffee. 

Scully, Jacqueline, Joshua and I weren't panicking. At least, not on
the outside. Getting hysterical was a waste of strength. We were all
silent, not wanting to discuss the situation but feeling that to
discuss anything else would be terribly insensitive. Jacqueline took
Josh off for a walk but they returned only a minute later, Josh
burrowing against Scully.  

I hated the inaction of it all. I knew the stress of being in a hostage
situation; I'd found myself in the middle of them numerous times in my
career. Several times Scully had been the victim, and I'd felt helpless
even as I helped hunt down her location and investigate her captor.
This was completely different. Now I had no job to do, nothing to keep
my mind from wandering into the dangerous land of 'what ifs'. It was a
feeling of utmost helplessness. It was terrible. 

As the hours passed, time began to lose any meaning. Everybody jolted
as the bell rang for the end of the school day, and some parents even
hopefully rushed to the gate, as though somehow this were just a
terrible dream and their children would soon come rushing down the
steps. Neither Scully nor I moved. 

By my watch it was less than an hour later, but it seemed like three or
more, when one of the auditorium's front doors opened, just a crack. I
wouldn't have noticed if my eyes hadn't been firmly fixed to the spot
for the last five minutes. Then, like a tap had suddenly been turned on
to full strength, kids began to pour out, running toward the gates,
some stumbling and some carried by teachers or older students. Some of
the parents were slower to react than others, numbed by fear, but
within seconds all were trying to push past the barrier of police,
reaching out to their children. My eyes were frantically travelling
over the surging heads, trying to pick out Astrid. She wasn't there. 
I glanced across at Scully and Jacqueline. Scully looked grim, and was
now making absolutely no attempt to hide her concern. Jacqueline, on
the other hand, looked collected. 
"They only released half the school," she said calmly. 

I relaxed a little as I processed that in my mind. She was right. The
hostage negotiator was getting somewhere, at least, it seemed. Another
hour, maybe, and the rest of the kids would be let out. 

        - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- SCULLY POV - 

It was getting dark. Jacqueline was over at the gate, talking to some
cops as they stood there, all sipping coffee. Mulder and I were sitting
in the open back of Jacqueline's four-wheel drive, Josh asleep on
Mulder's lap. 
"The waiting's always the worst part," I murmured.  

"Yeah, I know," Mulder muttered, rubbing my shoulders. 

I reached up to slip my hand over his and he grasped it tightly. I
loved that he genuinely did know, that he did genuinely feel the
helplessness and almost paralysing fear that I felt. The fear
struggling in my chest, trying any way possible to escape. 
"How many times have we felt like this, Mulder?" I mused unhappily. 

"Too many," he answered quietly.  

There were roses planted along the drive and bees were swarming over
them in the fading light. One flew half-heartedly around us before
settling on the spare tyre. Mulder and I both stared at it idly. 

"I've got a grudge against bees," he said softly. His voice had only
the slightest wry inflection to indicate that he was trying to make a
joke. 

I almost smiled. "Yeah." 

The incident in Mulder's hallway several years was something we'd
discussed rarely, if ever. It had been an unspoken turning point for
both of us, testing our alliances and strengths. I could have lost
everything if Mulder hadn't blurted out his weaknesses. I wondered
where I'd be know if he hadn't. I don't think I could have lived a life
separate from him. Our lives, even back then, were so inextricably
fused that life apart would have been impossible.  
I remembered Missy once telling me, just before I joined the bureau,
that I didn't know who I'd meet or how they'd change my life. I don't
think either she or I could have possibly imagined how much both our
lives were changed, that she would lose her life and I would come to
share mine with somebody who I couldn't survive without, somebody who
couldn't survive without me. 

"That was why I stayed, Mulder," I murmured, resting my head on his
shoulder.  

He ran his fingers through my hair. "What? The bee?" he asked dryly. 

"No... Because you pleaded with me not to leave you. Because you told
me how important I was to you, how desperately you needed me, by your
side. And I couldn't say no." 

I guess that was news to Mulder, because he pulled away a little in
surprise. "You stayed because of me?" 

"Because you were my best friend and you needed me." I wasn't sure
whether he would be pleased that I stayed because of him or angry that
I lied to him. I hadn't been completely lying; I did genuinely want to
stay and fight for justice. That was the very reason I joined the FBI
in the first place. But, in all truth, the foremost reason I stayed was
for Mulder. My best friend, the person I loved dearest in the world. 

"Best friends," Mulder repeated, as though savoring the term. He smiled
crookedly.  

We settled down leaning against each other, neither of us wanting to
face the idea that we might be there all night. As before, the sudden
stream of students through the doors to the auditorium was completely
unexpected. Again, they ran toward the gates, some of the younger kids
falling over and almost getting trodden on. And again, I couldn't see
Astrid. 
Jacqueline was still standing at the gate, watching as all the kids
rushed through, pale-faced, wide-eyed and crying. I felt the my panic
increasing as the crowd of kids thinned out and there was still no
sight of Astrid. This couldn't be happening, I thought. This was a
nightmare. It could only be a nightmare.  

Then I saw a familiar looking nine-year-old blonde girl in pink
overalls being smothered by her anxious parents. Sarah Jennings, one of
Astrid's friends. 

"Scully..." I turned at Mulder's hand on my shoulder. I could hear the
same panic I was experiencing in his voice. 

I turned away and bolted toward the Jennings family. Sarah's mother was
mopping up her daughters tears. What was the mother's name? I couldn't
remember. 
"Sarah!" I bent over as low as I could so I could face her. "Sarah,
honey, where's Astrid?"  

She stared at me dumbly.  

"Is Astrid still in there?" I pressed urgently. "Sarah, I need to
know." 

The little girl finally found her voice. "Astrid wasn't in there," she
whispered, gulping back tears. 

I stared at her, feeling the world swirl. "What do you mean, she wasn't
in there?" 

"She wanted me to go to the library with her at lunch, but I said no...
She didn't come back." 

On trembling legs I straightened up. "She didn't come back?" I echoed.
"Do you know why she went?" 

Sarah shrugged, and before I could ask any more questions, her father
picked her up and whisked her away. 

I felt utter despair as I turned, slowly surveying the dissipating
crowds. Ambulances which had been sitting in the drive all afternoon
were treating any children injured in the mad stampede, but many
parents were already packing their kids in cars, eager to just get
home.  
Mulder and I, I realised, were the only parents left without kids. 
I could only guess that Aaron Phillips' parents were in closed
conference with police, the negotiator, and undoubtedly several
lawyers. It was only Mulder and I left waiting there. 
A lull had settled over everything, and I felt disconnected from
reality, none of the dull noises penetrating through the cloud in my
mind. Then a noise did; a burst of gunfire. 

Oh my God. It almost shattered my self-control. But I bit my lip, hard,
as a rush of fear threatened to paralyse me. There was absolutely no
reason to suspect that Astrid was anywhere near the kidnappers. She'd
known this was going to happen - or, at least, that something was going
to happen - and she would have taken precautions to keep herself safe. 

"Dana, you shouldn't be here." It was Jacqueline, tugging on my arm.  

"I'm staying until we find Astrid," I retorted, angered that Jacqueline
could think I would do otherwise. She nodded reluctantly. 
Then I realised something; Mulder had gone. And so had the sleeping
little boy in the back of the 4WD. 

        - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- JACQUELINE POV - 

That was when Dana did collapse. Physically and emotionally. She
grabbed at a lamppost as her legs gave way under her and she drew in a
sharp, sobbing breath. "Oh God..." she muttered, her voice cracking,
betraying tears. She was drawing short breaths, trying to fight off the
sobs, trying to pull herself to her feet but unable to find the balance
to do so.  

"Hey, Dana, it's okay, it's okay..." I knelt down beside her as she
gave up physically struggling and focused on holding back the tears,
sinking down with her back against the post. "Come on, this isn't good
for the baby. Josh is just going to show Fox the way to the library to
find Astrid, and then they'll all be back in one piece. Until then, you
need to look after yourself." 

"You let them go?" she stared at me with accusing eyes. "You let Mulder
take a five year old -" 

"Josh can handle it," I said with certainty. I'd seen it in his eyes.
"He's got the maturity for it, Dana. And I think he needs something
like this to prove himself." 

"He doesn't have to prove himself. He's only five." She stared at me,
pleading. "They're like adults sometimes, I know. But they're also
still little kids. They're scared of the dark and thunderstorms..." 

I nodded. "They'll come out okay, Dana," I promised as I helped her to
her feet. I settled her in the back of my car with some hot coffee
while I explained the situation with Astrid to the cops I'd been
talking to earlier. They weren't impressed by my news about Mulder
going on, even when I stressed his history with the bureau. I didn't
tell them that he'd taken Josh with him. 

When I returned to the car I saw that Dana had wrapped a blanket around
herself and was sitting with her eyes closed, hands clapsed together
over her stomach as though in prayer. The cup of coffee sat beside her,
untouched. I sat silently beside her. We waited. 

        - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- MULDER POV - 

I'd never seen Josh this confident. He moved through hallways with
familiar ease despite the nightmarish quality of the fluorescent
lighting. We finally reached the library. Brightly lit, it looked very
different by night than it did by day, artificial like a movie set. I
had my weapon ready but we were confronted by nothing more than
absolute silence and stillness. Nothing to indicate Astrid's presence,
or so I thought, until Josh found her backpack in the row of
cubbyholes.  
Other than that, though, there were no clues, nothing that would
explain why she left the safe-haven. We were at a dead end. 

Or so I thought. Josh had a different opinion. He tugged me out of the
library and along corridors once again, endless corridors, not
hesitating as he picked his path. He finally stopped, staring at one of
the many doors to the auditorium. It was open, bright light spilling
out. 
Josh took a step forward but I jerked him back, gesturing for him to
stay back, not knowing who was left in there. Hesitatingly, I peered
around the door. On first visual sweep I thought the room was empty; it
was only a quiet moan and subsequent murmur that proved otherwise.  
Then I saw them. The first things that registered were Astrid and
blood, and I almost panicked. But, moving closer with Josh on my heels,
I could see that Astrid was unharmed and it was the young woman she
knelt beside, who I recognised as Miss Crabtree, Josh's teacher, who
was bleeding from a leg wound. Bleeding a lot. She looked barely
conscious. 
"Hey, kiddo," I quickly moved over and knelt down beside Astrid, noting
the blood that covered her hands as she pressed what looked as though
it had once been a blue sweater against the wound. "We were wondering
what happened to you." 

Astrid didn't look up. "They shot Miss Crabtree in the right femur.
That was about five minutes before I got here. I think they hit the
artery. She's lost a lot of blood but I've tried .. I've been..." The
clinical diagnosis that reminded me so much of Scully broke off and
tears entered her voice. 

"You've been doing a wonderful job, Astrid," the teacher croaked. She
flashed me a weak smile. "I thought I was going to die here alone." 

"You're not going to die," I retorted, taking the bullying attitude
Scully sometimes favours. "Astrid, you and Josh go out through the
front doors. The police should still be at the gate, so should the
EMTs. Go get them so we can get Miss Crabtree to hospital, okay?" 

Astrid nodded shakily, staring uncertainly at her blood-stained hands
before wiping them on her jeans. Unconcerned, Josh grabbed one of her
hands in his own and dragged her off. It was the first time I'd ever
seen Josh leading Astrid, and despite the danger of the situation I
relished it. 
Keeping the bundled sweater pressed firmly against the wound, I began
to talk to the teacher. I knew it would only be minutes before the EMTs
arrived, and she seemed to be hanging on. But from the rapidly
weakening pulse and the increasingly grey skin tones I guessed that
Astrid had been right; the bullet had pierced the artery. We needed to
get her to the hospital. Fast. 
Then I felt the cold, hard steel rim of an unseen gun pressed against
the back of my neck. 
"Don't turn around!" The voice that commanded me was young, far younger
than I'd expected. It was shaky and insecure. That was when I realised
the pathetic irony of it all. 
These guys were amateurs.  
No professional kidnapper would bungle a job so completely as this,
right down to shooting a hostage in the leg.  
But amateurs could still pull a trigger.  

"Take it easy." I kept my voice calm and controlled as I lifted both
arms in the air, knowing I was taking a risk in relieving the pressure
on the wound but knowing also that I had little choice. The teacher
stared at me helplessly, then weakly turned her head away, as if unable
to watch. 
I turned slowly to face the man who held the gun. Boy would be a better
description; he couldn't have been more than eighteen. 
"Police and paramedics are on their way in." I eyed him warningly. "If
this woman dies then it's on your head." 

His eyes flashed. "We said that nobody's allowed in!" He lifted the CB
that sat on his belt. "Urgent, Big Daddy!" he barked into the
mouthpiece. "This is Delta." 
I wondered how many hours this kid had spent watching action movies.
This would be like a dream come true for a warped teenage mind, a ten
million dollar ransom. 

The CB buzzed. "Acknowledged, Delta. Big Daddy here. What is your
report?" That voice sounded a little older, but not much.  

"Big Daddy, we have -" he broke off, his mouth forming a surprised 'o'.
It took me a moment to realise that a bullet had hit him in the chest.
I ducked, trying to avoid much of the blood as possible as it rained
down. He swayed on his feet, then collapsed to the ground, his head
lolling, open eyes staring at me blindly. I stared at it, unable to
move for several seconds, shocked. Then I turned away, sickened. 

        - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- SCULLY POV - 

Mulder followed behind the EMTs as they bought Josh's teacher out on a
stretcher. Both Josh and Astrid had clung to me closely since they'd
run out of the building hand in hand. I'd been holding on to them just
as tightly. The sheer panic that I'd felt when I discovered all three
of them were in danger had overridden all confidence and assurance I
had in them and myself; all that I had thought was what I would do if
something happened, if I lost them. The grip of panic had loosened a
little as I began to reason with myself, but my maternal, protective
side was still working overtime. It was only as Mulder appeared that I
allowed Jacqueline to take both the kids by hand, leading them over to
a garden tap and helping Astrid scrub the blood from her hands. How
terrible it was that somebody so young knew how that felt, I thought.  
Mulder joined them, crouching beside Astrid to wash the blood from his
own hands. It felt strange that, for once, the blood belonged to nobody
from our family. Finally, Mulder stood, wiping his hands dry on his
crumpled dress pants.  
"They're just kids," he muttered, disgusted. We both watched as the boy
who'd held a gun on Mulder was wheeled out in a bodybag. 

I tugged at his hand. There was so much that I wanted to express, anger
at him for leaving me, utter gratefulness that he did and that they
were all safe. But more than anything else, I was tired.  
"It's over, Mulder. Let's go home." 

It was almost midnight but the day had seemed much, much longer. We'd
suffered almost twelve hours of waiting, of not knowing. It had seemed
far worse. I could barely remember what the safe comfort of my bed felt
like. 

But Mulder shook his head. "The other guys are still in there. They've
still got the Phillips kid." 

"Mulder, it's not your job. Let the police find them. The kids are
tired. We all are." I was silently pleading with him, pleading for him
to let us leave this nightmare. I'd never wanted our work to collide
with the kids' lives in this way; Mulder could be tender and
compassionate, but I'd also seen how cold-hearted and ruthless he could
become. I'd learnt to turn a blind eye to it, to accept it as part of
who he was, that pummelling the life out of some invertebrate scum for
information was his idea of fair play. But I'd never wanted the kids to
see that side of him. I hoped to God he hadn't done anything crazy. 

It seemed for a moment that he was going to protest further, but then
he nodded in tired defeat. "You're right." 

His eyes were haunted and I yearned to comfort him. If there had been
any coldness in his eyes before, there was none now. He looked as
though he needed more comfort than I could give him. All I could do was
take his hand. 
"You did a good job, Mulder." 

He looked at me uphappily, then his fingers tightened around mine. 
"I'm sorry I ditched you," he whispered. 

I drew him close to me, reaching up to kiss his forehead, letting my
lips linger, silently thanking him for the apology. 
"You did what you had to," I said softly, my fingers lightly tracing
his cheek. 

I slipped my hand into his again and we walked to the car together in
silence. 

        - - - - } - - - - } - - @        t h e   x - f i l e s  

- MULDER POV - 

Astrid grew up that day. Not completely, but enough to make a
difference. We visited Josh's teacher in hospital the next morning, and
she passed on the news that Aaron Phillips was once again at home with
his family and all the kidnappers had been arrested, two of them
injured in the capture. The kid was unharmed. 
Erin Scully was born a week later at two eighteen in the morning. The
look of joy on Scully's face as the lustily wailing baby was laid in
her arms was excruciatingly beautiful. In that moment the full reality
of the past nine months finally hit us both; it was a living, thinking
individual. This child was one whose first word we'd hear, whose first
step we'd see. So much changed in that one moment. It drew us all
closer together than ever. 
Josh went back to school that same week, rapidly catching up all the
work he'd missed. On several occasions he's surprised us all by
disagreeing wholeheartedly with Astrid over matters, challenging her
authority and leadership instead of simply following her quietly.
Astrid herself has been too happy to notice, wrapped up entirely in the
utter devotion of her baby sister, volunteering happily to do even the
dirty jobs like diaper changes. Jacqueline visits often, often with
Graham in tow. Last time there was a diamond the size of a golf ball on
her finger.  
Scully asked her to be Erin's godmother, and I didn't object. She's
starting to learn when to back off, and doesn't deliberately probe what
she knows are sensitive issues. She's still constantly reminding me to
call Scully Dana, though. 
And Scully herself? I stand here in the doorway now, watching her in
our darkened bedroom. She has a towel slung over her shoulder as she
jiggles the hiccuping baby. She is singing softly, rocking on her feet
as she sings. She's just as off-key as she was when she sang 'Joy to
the world' in Florida years ago, but, like then, I treasure it
nonetheless.  
As I approach, Erin yawns sleepily, her face bunching up a little
before relaxing as she snuggles against Scully's shoulder. 
"She looks like a monkey," I tease as I lay a kiss on the soft, dark
fluff-covered head. Jacqueline has assured us it will become a coppery
red the same shade as Scully's, while the eyes are already a piercing,
pure blue. Scully had protested my decision on the auburn but I was
adamant. I love Scully's hair. 

"I guess she takes after her father," is her playful retort as she
gently lowers the sleeping bundle into the crib, deftly folding the
blankets around her. Standing straighter, she pauses to watch the
slight rise and fall of the blankets with each breath. Moving right
behind her, I slip my arms around her, kissing the side of her neck.
She lets out a contented chuckle then turns in my grip, brushing her
lips across mine.  

"Do you know how precious you are to me?" I whisper. I wonder if she
does, if she could really understand how she embodies everything that
matters to me. I think she must. 

"Yeah, I think I do," she whispers, smiling. That smile makes me fall
in love with her all over again.  

We can hear the kids faintly through the wall; it seems they're having
an argument about evolution as they wait for us to go in and say
goodnight. Huh. Kids today... 

"Mulder?" She presses her palms gently against my chest to keep enough
distance between us so that she can actually look me in the eye. I can
see that she's heading toward a more sobering issue. 

"Yeah?" 

"I rang Skinner... and arranged a meeting with him tomorrow." She
catches the look of panic that appears fleetingly on my face and lets
out a quiet chuckle. 

"You're not quitting, then?" I query, anxious. I know I can't get my
hopes up; I've seen how content she's been at home with Erin. But, as
much as I love to know our tiny daughter is loved and protected, work
is empty without Scully's presence beside me. It's not my quest; it
hasn't been for along time. It's ours. 

Her smile grows and she acknowledges it almost shyly, tilting her head
a little. "I don't think I was really born for domesticity, Mulder...
Don't get me wrong; I love our lives, our family. *But*..." She pauses.
"I think we've both got a few good years working together, yet." 

It's impossible to hide my utter joy at the news. But I feel as though
I almost already knew - as if I knew that it was the only decision we
could ever come to. 
"But what about the kids? What about Erin?" I have to ask. How are we
going to manage this? Working on the x-files means living selfishly.
The distractions of ordinary life can be fatal. 

"I want to wait a month or two, maybe, until she's a little older. And
that'll give us plenty of time to line up a nanny." 

"That'll cost." 

"We'll manage." 

"What about Josh? You promised him you wouldn't go back." 

"I know I did." She draws a deep breath. "But I talked to him, and to
Astrid. We talked about the risks and danger of the job and discussed
how we should all deal with it. I think they'll be okay with it,
Mulder." 

"Really?" 

She nods. "They know how important our work is to both of us, and they
accept that. And they know what it's like to be in a dangerous
situation. I think that's what has really helped Josh. He has more
confidence in us being able to keep each other safe. He trusts us in
that." 

I almost don't voice my next point, as though afraid she'll change her
mind. But I plunge ahead. "After all the trouble we've been through to
have a family, Scully... Why do you still want to work?" 

She considers the question seriously before answering. "It's not just
something I want to do, Mulder... It's something I need to do. It's
what keeps me alive." 

"It'll kill us one of these days." 

"Every day, every life is in danger, Mulder. That's just life." 

I recognise the phrase but it takes a second to place it. Then I
remember. "Seems that Skinner's trying to get you back at work, too." 

Her eyes twinkle playfully. "You'd almost think he wants me back there
more than you do." 

I laugh. "Yeah, right."  

She yawns. I open my arms to her and she slips her arms around me,
snuggling against me. 

"Tired?" I smooth her hair with my fingers. 

She nods. "Been awake since the 4am feed. Erin wouldn't go back to
sleep for hours." 

"You should have woken me." 

"You were sleeping like a log. Besides, I didn't want you turning up at
work half-asleep." 

I kiss her forehead affectionately. "You're too good to me." 

She smiles. "Don't get too comfortable with the situation. When I come
back to work you'll be the one trying to breastfeed at four in the
morning." She grins sleepily and I laugh. Releasing her from the hug, I
lay my hand gently on her shoulder. 

"You get ready for bed. I'll tuck the kids in." 

We can both hear the argument still going through the wall. Trying to
stop the incessant discussions to say goodnight is always a tiring task
and Scully looks glad to be relieved of it. 
She stands on tiptoe to kiss me gently on the lips. "Be quick, okay?" 

"Why?" I grin. "You want me to tuck you in too?" 

"Of course." 
I smile as she smiles and watch as she closes the bathroom door after
herself, then I make my way toward the kids' room. 

"Daddy!" Astrid throws herself at me from her top bunk, almost knocking
me over. "Bedtime story, pleeeease?" 

I know I have no chance of making it out of the room alive if I
disagree, so I nod, letting Astrid slide to the ground. We settle down
on Josh's bed, me in the middle with Josh on one side Astrid snuggling
against me on the other. She keeps trying to turn the pages of the
Sherlock Holmes novel we're reading, and corrects me every time I
mispronounce or skip a word. 
It's later than usual and I've been reading for less than twenty
minutes when Astrid begins to nod off. I tuck her into her own bed, say
goodnight to Josh, and switch out the bedroom light. I prepare for bed
and then back in our own bedroom I check Erin before sliding into bed
beside Scully, tugging the blankets up around us. 

"Took your time," she mumbles, half-asleep. 
She's limp with sleep as I run my hands up and down her bare arms. 

"I'm here now." 

Even though I can't see her face I can tell that she's smiling.
"G'night, Mulder." 

"'Night, Scully. Sleep tight." I kiss the back of her neck, listening
to her sigh as she snuggles down in my embrace.  

And we sleep. 
  
  
fin.